NINE: WHO WANTS TO MARRY A MONSTER'S DAUGHTER?
A/N: Oh, I've neglected to point out the nature of Ross and Jess' relationship in this fic. To tell you the truth, I left it up in the air so I could play around with it to fit my plot better. Let's just say right now that they are kind of in a relationship, but it's going through a rough time, and they pretty much know that Jess is gonna leave Stars Hollow to be with his father. Or something.
There was an awkward silence that surrounded the dinner table. The three of them had been staring blankly at each other, and now that they had all finished their salads, there was nothing left for them to divert their attention.
"So," Emily put her hands together, finally breaking the long silence. "The two of you haven't told me where you plan to live after you get married."
"Well, we haven't really discussed that yet," said Lorelai.
"You don't seem to have discussed a lot of things," Emily said, curtly. "Really, Lorelai, you have no idea how important it is to plan these things out. And I really don't think the diner is big enough for the two of you."
"I don't actually live *in* the diner," said Luke. "I live above it."
"I've seen the building, it's not big enough," said Emily.
"Well then, he'll just have to move in with Rory and me," replied Lorelai. "There. Problem solved."
"What about that boy?" Emily asked.
"What boy?"
"The boy. Jess."
"Oh," said Lorelai. "We're planning to sell him to a Russian couple who can't conceive. Unless you want him."
"Lorelai, be serious," said Emily. "And isn't he dating Rory?"
"Well, I wouldn't really say that they are. It's a very long story," said Lorelai. "Full of twist and turns, and a surprising if not heartbreaking epilogue."
"You can't have Rory date her stepfather's nephew," Emily insisted. "What will people say? You can't allow that."
"And that's where that Russian couple come in," said Lorelai. "We ship him off Tuesday. It's amazing what you can do on eBay."
"I'm glad you're taking the reputation of our family seriously," said Emily. She looked at her watch and got up. "Oh, for heaven's sake! Is it too much to ask that the main course be served before everyone here dies of starvation?" She walked briskly off to the kitchen.
"The execution will be held in the town square tomorrow at noon. The poor maid," Lorelai noted. She turned to Luke. "This is going well, isn't it?"
"I guess," Luke shrugged.
"I think it's going great," said Lorelai. "Of course, we won't really know for sure until much latter, when we see whether my mother gives me the 'What on earth were you thinking?' speech. Hey, when the food comes, let me cut your chicken."
"What?" Luke looked genuinely puzzled.
"Let me cut your chicken," Lorelai repeated. "I was thinking about it, and I realized that every couple has a 'thing', and we don't. You know, like Angelina and Billy Bob had that blood in a vial thing, and Ben and Jennifer have that 'yeah, right, that's gonna last' thing. So I decided that our 'thing' is going to be that I cut your food for you."
"I can do that without your help."
"Oh, I know you can," said Lorelai. "But that's not the point. The point is, we look really cute if we do it. It looks like we really care about each other. And… it's cute!"
"I don't want to look cute."
"No, it's going to be fun," said Lorelai. "And it gives me a chance to show off my maternal instincts."
"Then go cut Rory's chicken."
"Rory isn't here," said Lorelai. "And I told you, this is our couple's thing. We need to have a thing!"
"Can't our thing be a mutual respect and acknowledgement for each other's ability to use eating utensils on their own?"
"Well, it's either this or square dancing. And I've seen you dance, we don't want to go there."
"When have you ever seen me dance?"
"That time… at that place… at that thing. You had your arms in the air, there was music everywhere. You know what, it's not important," said Lorelai. "What's really important is our thing."
"Lorelai, I can cut my meat on my own."
"Ooh, it sounds so naughty when you say it," said Lorelai. "Hehe."
"Will you stop that?"
"Stop what?"
"Stop turning everything I say into a sexual innuendo."
"I don't do that."
"Yes, you do."
"Maybe you think I do," said Lorelai, "Because you have a dirty mind. You corrupt my words with your filthy brain."
"I do not have a dirty mind," Luke retorted. "And you're not touching my mea…chicken."
"It still sounds dirty," Lorelai giggled. "I say, you really need to wash your mouth out."
"Ladies first."
Lorelai was about to respond when Emily came charging back into the room. She sighed as she sat down. "I tell you, that woman needs to be kicked in the head before she'll do anything right."
Lorelai paused. "You didn't actually kick her in the head, did you?"
"What?" Emily looked shocked. "Of course not."
"Oh, okay. It's just that after that incident in '84, I'm not sure when you're being literal." Lorelai turned to Luke. "Amnesty International was involved and everything."
"Stop exaggerating, Lorelai," Emily said, clearly annoyed. "I really don't know where you come up with all these fantasies."
"From years of repression, probably," said Lorelai.
The maid came in hurriedly, carrying the food. She looked frightened as she placed the plates on the table, giving Emily one terrified look before scampering back into the kitchen.
"She looked scared," Lorelai noted.
"And she should be," Emily said. "I wouldn't have to reprimand them if they knew how to do their job."
"But nobody can do their job the way you want them to," said Lorelai. "It's almost a scientific fact. I have charts and everything."
"I had no idea it was impossible to serve dinner on time," said Emily. "Or to answer the door when the doorbell rings. Or to answer the telephone, for that matter."
"Hmm, the chicken looks greats," said Luke, trying to change the topic.
"Oh, let me cut that for you, honey," Lorelai said sweetly, as she leaned over with her fork and knife.
"I'm fine," said Luke, trying to push his plate out of Lorelai's reach. He added another word with a slight tinge of annoyance: "Honey."
"But I always do this for you, *honey*," said Lorelai, grabbing his plate and planting her fork into his piece of chicken. "It's our thing, remember, sweetie?"
"I thought our thing was square dancing," Luke deadpanned.
"That's our other thing," said Lorelai, as she started on his chicken. However, she was a little too enthusiastic, and ended splattering some of the gravy on Luke's shirt.
"Ah, geez," Luke said as he pulled back, looking at the stain on his shirt.
"I'm sorry," Lorelai said to Luke. "That was one slippery piece of chicken."
"Oh, yes, I'm sure the chicken is to blame," said Emily.
"It's fine," said Luke, getting up. He turned to Emily. "I'll just go and clean this up, it won't be too bad if I get to it fast. Which way's the bathroom?"
"Upstairs, second door on your left," said Emily.
"Thanks." Luke got up and walked towards the staircase.
"Really sorry, honey!" Lorelai called out to him as he left.
"Well, that certainly was entertaining," said Emily. "But I guess I'm lucky considering you didn't send the whole plate flying across the room."
"It was an accident," said Lorelai indignantly. "I didn't do it on purpose. It's not asparagus."
"So," Emily started to change the subject. "He seems like a very nice man."
"He is."
"But don't you think you're rushing things a little? You've only been seeing each other for a few months."
"Oh, I knew it."
"You knew what, Lorelai"
"It's the speech, isn't it?" Lorelai said. "You're going to tell me I'm making a mistake, that it's going to turn out horribly, and I'm going to regret it. That's what you were going to do, weren't you?"
"Lorelai, don't be silly," said Emily. "I just wanted you to know that marriage is not something you rush into. Now, it's not that I don't approve of him - I know you love this man and it may seem like the right thing to do now, but I don't want you going through with something that you might regret. As much as you'd like to think otherwise, I actually do not want to see you get hurt."
"I'm not going to get hurt, mom. I know what I'm doing," said Lorelai. "But if you don't like him, you can just say so."
"Wherever would you get that idea?" Emily looked surprised. "I think he's an absolutely charming young man."
"Really?" It was Lorelai's turn to be surprised. "This isn't like some kind of code you're using, right?"
"I think he is wonderful," said Emily. "Looks like we can finally agree on something, don't you think?"
*
"So, what did your mother say about me while I was gone?" Luke asked, as they were on their way home.
Lorelai tapped on the dashboard absent mindedly. "What makes you think we were talking about you, Mr. Ego?"
"Intuition," said Luke, tapping his forehead. "Plus, the really obvious way you switched the topic to Justin Timberlake when I walked in kind of tipped me off."
"Ugh," Lorelai turned to him, "You must be really self-centered to think that this whole night was about you."
"What can I say, I crave attention," Luke said, giving her a small smile before looking back at the road. "What did she say?"
"I'm not really sure of her exact words, but I think one of us has to fight her in Thunderdome next week."
"Well, it has to be you, because I'm busy next week."
"Fine. You probably couldn't take her anyway," said Lorelai. "And on an unrelated note, you'll be happy to know you have officially earned the Emily Gilmore seal of approval. Your certificate is on its way."
"Really? I'm going to frame that one."
"You did great," said Lorelai. "She did not have one negative thing to say about you. And considering the fact that we're talking about my mother, I suggest we get ready for the end of the world, because frankly, something has gone terribly wrong."
"Thanks."
"Oh, it's not you," said Lorelai. "It's just that my mother is so critical, the very fact that she had nothing bad to say about you is like a miracle. It's like, the world is finally at balance. You are the yin to her yang."
"I thought you said the world was coming to an end."
"Don't nitpick," said Lorelai. "Bottom line is, she likes you. And, she even said that that gravy splattering thing was my fault, not yours."
"It was your fault."
"She's just taking your side," said Lorelai. "And while we're on that topic, we really have to find a new thing. Cutting meat just doesn't cut it. Haha. Get it?"
"How about we make our 'thing' a comfortable silence?"
"Nope, that would be unnatural," said Lorelai. She paused for a moment, and then turned to him. "Luke?"
"Yeah?"
"Of all the people that I could have gotten involved in a shame marriage with, I'm kind of glad that I'm doing it with you."
"Thanks," said Luke. He sneaked a glance at her out of the corner of his eye. "I'm glad it's you, too."
"Cool," said Lorelai, leaning back. "Now, what are we going to name our kids?"
*
to be continued!
next time, on "Where There's A Will, There's No Diner"
- Sookie gets drunk and deep-fries Lane. The Kim family mourns.
- Michel leaves his job to become a go-go dancer, stage name Chocolate God.
- Rory drops out of Chilton in her attempt to become the Next American Idol
- Paris changes her name to Tokyo, Japanese tourists get confused.
- More tobogganing, because I can't get enough of that word!
- And a lot more fun stuff! Don't miss it!
A/N: Oh, I've neglected to point out the nature of Ross and Jess' relationship in this fic. To tell you the truth, I left it up in the air so I could play around with it to fit my plot better. Let's just say right now that they are kind of in a relationship, but it's going through a rough time, and they pretty much know that Jess is gonna leave Stars Hollow to be with his father. Or something.
There was an awkward silence that surrounded the dinner table. The three of them had been staring blankly at each other, and now that they had all finished their salads, there was nothing left for them to divert their attention.
"So," Emily put her hands together, finally breaking the long silence. "The two of you haven't told me where you plan to live after you get married."
"Well, we haven't really discussed that yet," said Lorelai.
"You don't seem to have discussed a lot of things," Emily said, curtly. "Really, Lorelai, you have no idea how important it is to plan these things out. And I really don't think the diner is big enough for the two of you."
"I don't actually live *in* the diner," said Luke. "I live above it."
"I've seen the building, it's not big enough," said Emily.
"Well then, he'll just have to move in with Rory and me," replied Lorelai. "There. Problem solved."
"What about that boy?" Emily asked.
"What boy?"
"The boy. Jess."
"Oh," said Lorelai. "We're planning to sell him to a Russian couple who can't conceive. Unless you want him."
"Lorelai, be serious," said Emily. "And isn't he dating Rory?"
"Well, I wouldn't really say that they are. It's a very long story," said Lorelai. "Full of twist and turns, and a surprising if not heartbreaking epilogue."
"You can't have Rory date her stepfather's nephew," Emily insisted. "What will people say? You can't allow that."
"And that's where that Russian couple come in," said Lorelai. "We ship him off Tuesday. It's amazing what you can do on eBay."
"I'm glad you're taking the reputation of our family seriously," said Emily. She looked at her watch and got up. "Oh, for heaven's sake! Is it too much to ask that the main course be served before everyone here dies of starvation?" She walked briskly off to the kitchen.
"The execution will be held in the town square tomorrow at noon. The poor maid," Lorelai noted. She turned to Luke. "This is going well, isn't it?"
"I guess," Luke shrugged.
"I think it's going great," said Lorelai. "Of course, we won't really know for sure until much latter, when we see whether my mother gives me the 'What on earth were you thinking?' speech. Hey, when the food comes, let me cut your chicken."
"What?" Luke looked genuinely puzzled.
"Let me cut your chicken," Lorelai repeated. "I was thinking about it, and I realized that every couple has a 'thing', and we don't. You know, like Angelina and Billy Bob had that blood in a vial thing, and Ben and Jennifer have that 'yeah, right, that's gonna last' thing. So I decided that our 'thing' is going to be that I cut your food for you."
"I can do that without your help."
"Oh, I know you can," said Lorelai. "But that's not the point. The point is, we look really cute if we do it. It looks like we really care about each other. And… it's cute!"
"I don't want to look cute."
"No, it's going to be fun," said Lorelai. "And it gives me a chance to show off my maternal instincts."
"Then go cut Rory's chicken."
"Rory isn't here," said Lorelai. "And I told you, this is our couple's thing. We need to have a thing!"
"Can't our thing be a mutual respect and acknowledgement for each other's ability to use eating utensils on their own?"
"Well, it's either this or square dancing. And I've seen you dance, we don't want to go there."
"When have you ever seen me dance?"
"That time… at that place… at that thing. You had your arms in the air, there was music everywhere. You know what, it's not important," said Lorelai. "What's really important is our thing."
"Lorelai, I can cut my meat on my own."
"Ooh, it sounds so naughty when you say it," said Lorelai. "Hehe."
"Will you stop that?"
"Stop what?"
"Stop turning everything I say into a sexual innuendo."
"I don't do that."
"Yes, you do."
"Maybe you think I do," said Lorelai, "Because you have a dirty mind. You corrupt my words with your filthy brain."
"I do not have a dirty mind," Luke retorted. "And you're not touching my mea…chicken."
"It still sounds dirty," Lorelai giggled. "I say, you really need to wash your mouth out."
"Ladies first."
Lorelai was about to respond when Emily came charging back into the room. She sighed as she sat down. "I tell you, that woman needs to be kicked in the head before she'll do anything right."
Lorelai paused. "You didn't actually kick her in the head, did you?"
"What?" Emily looked shocked. "Of course not."
"Oh, okay. It's just that after that incident in '84, I'm not sure when you're being literal." Lorelai turned to Luke. "Amnesty International was involved and everything."
"Stop exaggerating, Lorelai," Emily said, clearly annoyed. "I really don't know where you come up with all these fantasies."
"From years of repression, probably," said Lorelai.
The maid came in hurriedly, carrying the food. She looked frightened as she placed the plates on the table, giving Emily one terrified look before scampering back into the kitchen.
"She looked scared," Lorelai noted.
"And she should be," Emily said. "I wouldn't have to reprimand them if they knew how to do their job."
"But nobody can do their job the way you want them to," said Lorelai. "It's almost a scientific fact. I have charts and everything."
"I had no idea it was impossible to serve dinner on time," said Emily. "Or to answer the door when the doorbell rings. Or to answer the telephone, for that matter."
"Hmm, the chicken looks greats," said Luke, trying to change the topic.
"Oh, let me cut that for you, honey," Lorelai said sweetly, as she leaned over with her fork and knife.
"I'm fine," said Luke, trying to push his plate out of Lorelai's reach. He added another word with a slight tinge of annoyance: "Honey."
"But I always do this for you, *honey*," said Lorelai, grabbing his plate and planting her fork into his piece of chicken. "It's our thing, remember, sweetie?"
"I thought our thing was square dancing," Luke deadpanned.
"That's our other thing," said Lorelai, as she started on his chicken. However, she was a little too enthusiastic, and ended splattering some of the gravy on Luke's shirt.
"Ah, geez," Luke said as he pulled back, looking at the stain on his shirt.
"I'm sorry," Lorelai said to Luke. "That was one slippery piece of chicken."
"Oh, yes, I'm sure the chicken is to blame," said Emily.
"It's fine," said Luke, getting up. He turned to Emily. "I'll just go and clean this up, it won't be too bad if I get to it fast. Which way's the bathroom?"
"Upstairs, second door on your left," said Emily.
"Thanks." Luke got up and walked towards the staircase.
"Really sorry, honey!" Lorelai called out to him as he left.
"Well, that certainly was entertaining," said Emily. "But I guess I'm lucky considering you didn't send the whole plate flying across the room."
"It was an accident," said Lorelai indignantly. "I didn't do it on purpose. It's not asparagus."
"So," Emily started to change the subject. "He seems like a very nice man."
"He is."
"But don't you think you're rushing things a little? You've only been seeing each other for a few months."
"Oh, I knew it."
"You knew what, Lorelai"
"It's the speech, isn't it?" Lorelai said. "You're going to tell me I'm making a mistake, that it's going to turn out horribly, and I'm going to regret it. That's what you were going to do, weren't you?"
"Lorelai, don't be silly," said Emily. "I just wanted you to know that marriage is not something you rush into. Now, it's not that I don't approve of him - I know you love this man and it may seem like the right thing to do now, but I don't want you going through with something that you might regret. As much as you'd like to think otherwise, I actually do not want to see you get hurt."
"I'm not going to get hurt, mom. I know what I'm doing," said Lorelai. "But if you don't like him, you can just say so."
"Wherever would you get that idea?" Emily looked surprised. "I think he's an absolutely charming young man."
"Really?" It was Lorelai's turn to be surprised. "This isn't like some kind of code you're using, right?"
"I think he is wonderful," said Emily. "Looks like we can finally agree on something, don't you think?"
*
"So, what did your mother say about me while I was gone?" Luke asked, as they were on their way home.
Lorelai tapped on the dashboard absent mindedly. "What makes you think we were talking about you, Mr. Ego?"
"Intuition," said Luke, tapping his forehead. "Plus, the really obvious way you switched the topic to Justin Timberlake when I walked in kind of tipped me off."
"Ugh," Lorelai turned to him, "You must be really self-centered to think that this whole night was about you."
"What can I say, I crave attention," Luke said, giving her a small smile before looking back at the road. "What did she say?"
"I'm not really sure of her exact words, but I think one of us has to fight her in Thunderdome next week."
"Well, it has to be you, because I'm busy next week."
"Fine. You probably couldn't take her anyway," said Lorelai. "And on an unrelated note, you'll be happy to know you have officially earned the Emily Gilmore seal of approval. Your certificate is on its way."
"Really? I'm going to frame that one."
"You did great," said Lorelai. "She did not have one negative thing to say about you. And considering the fact that we're talking about my mother, I suggest we get ready for the end of the world, because frankly, something has gone terribly wrong."
"Thanks."
"Oh, it's not you," said Lorelai. "It's just that my mother is so critical, the very fact that she had nothing bad to say about you is like a miracle. It's like, the world is finally at balance. You are the yin to her yang."
"I thought you said the world was coming to an end."
"Don't nitpick," said Lorelai. "Bottom line is, she likes you. And, she even said that that gravy splattering thing was my fault, not yours."
"It was your fault."
"She's just taking your side," said Lorelai. "And while we're on that topic, we really have to find a new thing. Cutting meat just doesn't cut it. Haha. Get it?"
"How about we make our 'thing' a comfortable silence?"
"Nope, that would be unnatural," said Lorelai. She paused for a moment, and then turned to him. "Luke?"
"Yeah?"
"Of all the people that I could have gotten involved in a shame marriage with, I'm kind of glad that I'm doing it with you."
"Thanks," said Luke. He sneaked a glance at her out of the corner of his eye. "I'm glad it's you, too."
"Cool," said Lorelai, leaning back. "Now, what are we going to name our kids?"
*
to be continued!
next time, on "Where There's A Will, There's No Diner"
- Sookie gets drunk and deep-fries Lane. The Kim family mourns.
- Michel leaves his job to become a go-go dancer, stage name Chocolate God.
- Rory drops out of Chilton in her attempt to become the Next American Idol
- Paris changes her name to Tokyo, Japanese tourists get confused.
- More tobogganing, because I can't get enough of that word!
- And a lot more fun stuff! Don't miss it!
