ELEVEN: THE MAN WITH THE SWORD IS NOT A MOVIE
"Luke!" Lorelai screeched as she entered the diner. The bell jingled above her and she glared at it. "You really have to do something about the bell, it's pissing me off."
"I use it to tell me when you're coming so I can hide," Luke said from behind the counter. "What do you want?"
"Is that any way to talk to your beautiful fiancé?"
"Your right. I should be ruder."
"You're hopeless," said Lorelai, as she walked behind the counter to talk to him. "And not a word about the behind-the-counter rule. We don't have time for that, we have to go."
"I'm cleaning," said Luke, pointing to a dirty rag on the counter to emphasize his point. "Where do we have to go, anyway?"
"Engagement party."
"Whose?"
"Ours."
"I didn't know we had an engagement party."
"Oh, we didn't," said Lorelai, "I was supposed to tell you this earlier, but I think I was distracted by something shiny and I forgot. Babette was supposed to throw me a bridal shower, but then she and Miss Patty thought it over and they decided that an 'engagement party' would be better, since then you and the other guys could come along."
"By other guys, do you mean Taylor and Kirk?"
"Yes."
"I'm cleaning," Luke picked up the rag and started wiping the counter. "Tell them thanks anyway."
Lorelai slapped him lightly on the arm, and he stopped wiping to glare at her. "You can't expect me to go stag to my own engagement party! What kind of message would that send out?"
"That I'm cleaning."
"Will you stop with the cleaning," Lorelai snatched the rag from his hands and threw it across the room. It landed neatly on one of the tables by the counter. "Come on, the party hasn't started yet, you haven't missed a thing."
"I don't wanna."
"Did I just hear you say 'wanna'?"
"I don't want to," Luke stressed the last word. "I'm not really a party kind of person, and I'm always a little skeptical about any functions Miss Patty had a hand in organizing."
"It'll be fun," said Lorelai. "There'll be games."
"If that is how you intend to persuade me, let me just save you time and tell you that you chose the wrong method."
"What is the right method, then?" Lorelai asked, "A little striptease? Sexy dance on your counter here?"
"What?"
"Nothing," said Lorelai. She tugged on his shirt. "Come on, please. If you don't come, people will point fingers at me and laugh. They'll go 'oh, look, you know, there's that poor woman who couldn't get her own fiancé to attend their engagement party', and then I'll be ashamed and my whole family's name will be ruined and Rory will never be able to get good credit anywhere."
"Which will no doubt bring about the end of the world," said Luke sarcastically. "And I still don't want to go. Why do you have to go?"
"Erm, hello, because the party's for me."
"I thought it was for us."
"Why do you care, you're not going."
"I'm not, and if you don't want to go alone, then why don't you just skip it all together?"
Lorelai gasped. "Skip it? Are you crazy? Do you have any idea how many presents I'll be missing out on? There's a rumor going on that someone might have bought us a big screen television."
"Then go."
"But I'll be alone."
"You'll have Rory."
"Oh, yeah, sure, that's cool. 'Look, townsfolk, it's the poor woman who is so pathetic that her daughter had to accompany her to her own engagement party because her fiancé bailed. Let's throw assorted fruits and vegetables at her! Yahhh!'."
"Well, you could do to eat more fruits and vegetables anyhow."
"Come on, Luke," she pulled on his shirt some more as she begged. "I'll give you five dollars."
"Five whole dollars? For real? Gee, whiz, maybe I finally can get that brand new bike I was hopin' for."
"Fine. You don't want five dollars? I'll buy you a pony. And a mocking bird. And everything else in that song about the person that got the mocking bird and it wouldn't sing, and there's a mirror and a goat somewhere there too, I think. I'll get you a goat. You want a goat?"
"Okay, fine," Luke swatted her hands away. "I'll go with you. But only for a while, and then we high-tail out of there."
"It's being held at my house."
"Fine - then *I'll* high-tail out of there," Luke walked out from behind the counter, Lorelai following him closely. "But if Miss Patty pulls something funny, I'm holding you personally responsible."
"Yeah, yeah," said Lorelai, pushing him out of the diner, "Hehe. I knew you would crumble sooner or later."
"I didn't crumble," Luke insisted indignantly, "I'm just doing this because I didn't want you begging and tearing my shirt to pieces with your constant tugging."
"Begging and tearing your clothes? So naughty!"
"I told you to stop that."
"I can't help it if everything you said has such a dirty context," said Lorelai, "I'm totally innocent. Can't blame me."
"Actually, I can, and I am."
"Let's just get going," said Lorelai, "I don't want to miss Miss Patty's opening dance number. I hear there's oil, snakes, and a possibility of audience participation."
"God," Luke groaned.
*
"Time for another game!" Sookie said excitedly.
"Another game?" Luke asked in disbelief. "You know, it's getting late, and I …"
"One more game before we get to the best part of the evening – opening the presents," said Sookie, "Oh, I'm so excited. It's not my party and I'm excited. I wonder what stuff you're going to get."
Luke looked to Lorelai helplessly.
"What game are we playing?" Rory asked.
"One of my favorites," said Sookie. She whipped out a stack of small, cardboard cards from nowhere. "Modified Pictionary, complete with customized rules and regulations! I'll go get the board and markers."
"Modified Pictionary?" Rory echoed. "Cool!"
Luke tried to stifle another groan. Lorelai nudged him.
Sookie came back with the items required for the game. "Now, we'll play this in teams of two. Lorelai and Luke, naturally, the two of you are in the same team."
"Wooo!" Lorelai said excitedly. "We'll kick ass!"
Luke tried to sink further into the couch, but found out it was strangely impossible.
"Now, since we can't have too many people playing, there'll just be three other teams. Rory and I will be on one team, Babette and Miss Patty on the other, and Taylor and Kirk forming the last team."
"I'm allergic to the markers," Kirk pointed out. "May I use an ordinary pen instead?"
Sookie decided to ignore him. She placed the stack of cards on the table in the middle of the room. "Lorelai and Luke, you guys are up first. The first round will be movies. Luke, grab a card and a marker, and let's start!" She clapped her hands excitedly and sat down.
Luke looked at Lorelai. "Do I have to?"
"Come on, it's just one game," said Lorelai, "And I'm sure you can draw pretty well. I really like those pretty pictures of burgers you sometimes draw on your chalkboard menus. Very pretty. Go ahead."
Luke sighed and picked up a card. He looked at it, and sighed again. He walked to the board and started drawing something. Lorelai squinted her eyes and blinked several times, before randomly guessing. "A dog! No, wait a cat! Cat on a Hot Tin Roof! Elizabeth Taylor! National Velvet! A Horse! The Horse Whisperer! Matt Damon! Ben Affleck! Jennifer Lopez! The Wedding Planner! My Best Friend's Wedding! Man's Best Friend! Superman! Batman! Spiderman! Kirsten Dunst! An Interview With a Vampire! Queen of the Damned! Children of the Damned! Village of the Damned! The Hoover Dam! Water! Watership Down!"
Luke put down his marker. "Are you even looking at the picture?"
"Thirty seconds left," Sookie looked at the stopwatch. "And no talking!"
"If I don't talk how am I going to guess the words?" Lorelai asked.
"I was talking to Luke," said Sookie.
"Oh," Lorelai motioned to Luke to continue drawing. "Quick! Continue drawing."
"I don't see why you aren't getting this one by now," said Luke, turning back to the board. He started drawing again. "It's so obvious."
"Hey," Sookie interrupted, "Let your drawing do the talking, flannel boy!"
Luke glared at her, and Sookie quietly backed down.
Lorelai began to guess again. "A person! A woman! The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood! Sister Act! Wait, is it a man? It's a man! A man! Ooh. A well endowed man."
Luke turned around. "It's a sword."
"Hey!" Sookie yelled. "You can't tell her what you're drawing."
"A sword? A man with a Sword! I've got it! The Man With The Sword! That's it!" Lorelai screamed.
Luke looked at her in disbelief. "What?"
"The Man With the Sword!" Lorelai screeched.
"That's not a movie!"
"Are you sure?"
"No talking!" Sookie held her hand up, her eyes still fixated on the stop watch.
"Which moron would name their movie 'The Man With The Sword'?" Luke asked.
"I don't know," said Lorelai, "There's a movie called Juwanna Mann, isn't there?"
"So?"
"You know, if we aren't going to follow the rules," Sookie started, "I don't see why…"
"I'm just saying, that if there's a movie called Juwanna Mann, is it so hard to believe that there might be one called 'The Man With The Sword'?"
"Even if there is, that's not the movie I'm drawing," Luke insisted.
"What are you drawing, then?" Lorelai asked, "I feel like I'm looking at a psychiatrist's ink blot."
"Are you insulting my drawing?"
"I don't know. I think there's something to be said if you draw a man with a sword, and then said it isn't a man with a sword."
"I never said it wasn't a man with a sword," said Luke. "I'm just saying that it's not …"
"Aha! So you admit, it is a man with a sword!"
"But it's not a movie," Luke retorted.
"And time's up!" Sookie screamed, jumping up. Everyone in the room looked at her. "Sorry, I get a little emotional when it comes to games that require you to be fast."
"It's true," Lorelai said, "You don't want to play Snap with her. She'll tear your head off."
"The movie was Gladiator," said Luke, motioning to the picture he drew.
"What?" Lorelai looked at the drawing, "*That's* Gladiator? It looks nothing like Russell Crowe. Cameron Crowe maybe."
"I wasn't drawing Russell Crowe," Luke said. "I was drawing a gladiator."
"It doesn't look like a gladiator."
"Oh, sure, but it looks completely like a man with a sword. I see the startling difference."
"Okay, Lorelai and Luke, you failed to get that one right," Sookie decided to cut in before things turned ugly. "So we'll go on with the next team. Which is… Rory and me."
Luke handed the marker to Rory, and sat down beside Lorelai. He crossed his arms. "It did look like a Gladiator."
Lorelai patted his arm and gave him a smile. "I'm sure it did, Luke. I'm sure it did."
*
A/N:
Attention, avid readers! Starting from next chapter onwards, the whole fic will be written in a hybrid language of Japanese, Spanish and French. I call this new language Frapanish. It'll be revolutionary!
Also, I need someone to send me naughty pictures of Luke. I need them for, erm, research. Yup. That's it. Fic research.
*
"Luke!" Lorelai screeched as she entered the diner. The bell jingled above her and she glared at it. "You really have to do something about the bell, it's pissing me off."
"I use it to tell me when you're coming so I can hide," Luke said from behind the counter. "What do you want?"
"Is that any way to talk to your beautiful fiancé?"
"Your right. I should be ruder."
"You're hopeless," said Lorelai, as she walked behind the counter to talk to him. "And not a word about the behind-the-counter rule. We don't have time for that, we have to go."
"I'm cleaning," said Luke, pointing to a dirty rag on the counter to emphasize his point. "Where do we have to go, anyway?"
"Engagement party."
"Whose?"
"Ours."
"I didn't know we had an engagement party."
"Oh, we didn't," said Lorelai, "I was supposed to tell you this earlier, but I think I was distracted by something shiny and I forgot. Babette was supposed to throw me a bridal shower, but then she and Miss Patty thought it over and they decided that an 'engagement party' would be better, since then you and the other guys could come along."
"By other guys, do you mean Taylor and Kirk?"
"Yes."
"I'm cleaning," Luke picked up the rag and started wiping the counter. "Tell them thanks anyway."
Lorelai slapped him lightly on the arm, and he stopped wiping to glare at her. "You can't expect me to go stag to my own engagement party! What kind of message would that send out?"
"That I'm cleaning."
"Will you stop with the cleaning," Lorelai snatched the rag from his hands and threw it across the room. It landed neatly on one of the tables by the counter. "Come on, the party hasn't started yet, you haven't missed a thing."
"I don't wanna."
"Did I just hear you say 'wanna'?"
"I don't want to," Luke stressed the last word. "I'm not really a party kind of person, and I'm always a little skeptical about any functions Miss Patty had a hand in organizing."
"It'll be fun," said Lorelai. "There'll be games."
"If that is how you intend to persuade me, let me just save you time and tell you that you chose the wrong method."
"What is the right method, then?" Lorelai asked, "A little striptease? Sexy dance on your counter here?"
"What?"
"Nothing," said Lorelai. She tugged on his shirt. "Come on, please. If you don't come, people will point fingers at me and laugh. They'll go 'oh, look, you know, there's that poor woman who couldn't get her own fiancé to attend their engagement party', and then I'll be ashamed and my whole family's name will be ruined and Rory will never be able to get good credit anywhere."
"Which will no doubt bring about the end of the world," said Luke sarcastically. "And I still don't want to go. Why do you have to go?"
"Erm, hello, because the party's for me."
"I thought it was for us."
"Why do you care, you're not going."
"I'm not, and if you don't want to go alone, then why don't you just skip it all together?"
Lorelai gasped. "Skip it? Are you crazy? Do you have any idea how many presents I'll be missing out on? There's a rumor going on that someone might have bought us a big screen television."
"Then go."
"But I'll be alone."
"You'll have Rory."
"Oh, yeah, sure, that's cool. 'Look, townsfolk, it's the poor woman who is so pathetic that her daughter had to accompany her to her own engagement party because her fiancé bailed. Let's throw assorted fruits and vegetables at her! Yahhh!'."
"Well, you could do to eat more fruits and vegetables anyhow."
"Come on, Luke," she pulled on his shirt some more as she begged. "I'll give you five dollars."
"Five whole dollars? For real? Gee, whiz, maybe I finally can get that brand new bike I was hopin' for."
"Fine. You don't want five dollars? I'll buy you a pony. And a mocking bird. And everything else in that song about the person that got the mocking bird and it wouldn't sing, and there's a mirror and a goat somewhere there too, I think. I'll get you a goat. You want a goat?"
"Okay, fine," Luke swatted her hands away. "I'll go with you. But only for a while, and then we high-tail out of there."
"It's being held at my house."
"Fine - then *I'll* high-tail out of there," Luke walked out from behind the counter, Lorelai following him closely. "But if Miss Patty pulls something funny, I'm holding you personally responsible."
"Yeah, yeah," said Lorelai, pushing him out of the diner, "Hehe. I knew you would crumble sooner or later."
"I didn't crumble," Luke insisted indignantly, "I'm just doing this because I didn't want you begging and tearing my shirt to pieces with your constant tugging."
"Begging and tearing your clothes? So naughty!"
"I told you to stop that."
"I can't help it if everything you said has such a dirty context," said Lorelai, "I'm totally innocent. Can't blame me."
"Actually, I can, and I am."
"Let's just get going," said Lorelai, "I don't want to miss Miss Patty's opening dance number. I hear there's oil, snakes, and a possibility of audience participation."
"God," Luke groaned.
*
"Time for another game!" Sookie said excitedly.
"Another game?" Luke asked in disbelief. "You know, it's getting late, and I …"
"One more game before we get to the best part of the evening – opening the presents," said Sookie, "Oh, I'm so excited. It's not my party and I'm excited. I wonder what stuff you're going to get."
Luke looked to Lorelai helplessly.
"What game are we playing?" Rory asked.
"One of my favorites," said Sookie. She whipped out a stack of small, cardboard cards from nowhere. "Modified Pictionary, complete with customized rules and regulations! I'll go get the board and markers."
"Modified Pictionary?" Rory echoed. "Cool!"
Luke tried to stifle another groan. Lorelai nudged him.
Sookie came back with the items required for the game. "Now, we'll play this in teams of two. Lorelai and Luke, naturally, the two of you are in the same team."
"Wooo!" Lorelai said excitedly. "We'll kick ass!"
Luke tried to sink further into the couch, but found out it was strangely impossible.
"Now, since we can't have too many people playing, there'll just be three other teams. Rory and I will be on one team, Babette and Miss Patty on the other, and Taylor and Kirk forming the last team."
"I'm allergic to the markers," Kirk pointed out. "May I use an ordinary pen instead?"
Sookie decided to ignore him. She placed the stack of cards on the table in the middle of the room. "Lorelai and Luke, you guys are up first. The first round will be movies. Luke, grab a card and a marker, and let's start!" She clapped her hands excitedly and sat down.
Luke looked at Lorelai. "Do I have to?"
"Come on, it's just one game," said Lorelai, "And I'm sure you can draw pretty well. I really like those pretty pictures of burgers you sometimes draw on your chalkboard menus. Very pretty. Go ahead."
Luke sighed and picked up a card. He looked at it, and sighed again. He walked to the board and started drawing something. Lorelai squinted her eyes and blinked several times, before randomly guessing. "A dog! No, wait a cat! Cat on a Hot Tin Roof! Elizabeth Taylor! National Velvet! A Horse! The Horse Whisperer! Matt Damon! Ben Affleck! Jennifer Lopez! The Wedding Planner! My Best Friend's Wedding! Man's Best Friend! Superman! Batman! Spiderman! Kirsten Dunst! An Interview With a Vampire! Queen of the Damned! Children of the Damned! Village of the Damned! The Hoover Dam! Water! Watership Down!"
Luke put down his marker. "Are you even looking at the picture?"
"Thirty seconds left," Sookie looked at the stopwatch. "And no talking!"
"If I don't talk how am I going to guess the words?" Lorelai asked.
"I was talking to Luke," said Sookie.
"Oh," Lorelai motioned to Luke to continue drawing. "Quick! Continue drawing."
"I don't see why you aren't getting this one by now," said Luke, turning back to the board. He started drawing again. "It's so obvious."
"Hey," Sookie interrupted, "Let your drawing do the talking, flannel boy!"
Luke glared at her, and Sookie quietly backed down.
Lorelai began to guess again. "A person! A woman! The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood! Sister Act! Wait, is it a man? It's a man! A man! Ooh. A well endowed man."
Luke turned around. "It's a sword."
"Hey!" Sookie yelled. "You can't tell her what you're drawing."
"A sword? A man with a Sword! I've got it! The Man With The Sword! That's it!" Lorelai screamed.
Luke looked at her in disbelief. "What?"
"The Man With the Sword!" Lorelai screeched.
"That's not a movie!"
"Are you sure?"
"No talking!" Sookie held her hand up, her eyes still fixated on the stop watch.
"Which moron would name their movie 'The Man With The Sword'?" Luke asked.
"I don't know," said Lorelai, "There's a movie called Juwanna Mann, isn't there?"
"So?"
"You know, if we aren't going to follow the rules," Sookie started, "I don't see why…"
"I'm just saying, that if there's a movie called Juwanna Mann, is it so hard to believe that there might be one called 'The Man With The Sword'?"
"Even if there is, that's not the movie I'm drawing," Luke insisted.
"What are you drawing, then?" Lorelai asked, "I feel like I'm looking at a psychiatrist's ink blot."
"Are you insulting my drawing?"
"I don't know. I think there's something to be said if you draw a man with a sword, and then said it isn't a man with a sword."
"I never said it wasn't a man with a sword," said Luke. "I'm just saying that it's not …"
"Aha! So you admit, it is a man with a sword!"
"But it's not a movie," Luke retorted.
"And time's up!" Sookie screamed, jumping up. Everyone in the room looked at her. "Sorry, I get a little emotional when it comes to games that require you to be fast."
"It's true," Lorelai said, "You don't want to play Snap with her. She'll tear your head off."
"The movie was Gladiator," said Luke, motioning to the picture he drew.
"What?" Lorelai looked at the drawing, "*That's* Gladiator? It looks nothing like Russell Crowe. Cameron Crowe maybe."
"I wasn't drawing Russell Crowe," Luke said. "I was drawing a gladiator."
"It doesn't look like a gladiator."
"Oh, sure, but it looks completely like a man with a sword. I see the startling difference."
"Okay, Lorelai and Luke, you failed to get that one right," Sookie decided to cut in before things turned ugly. "So we'll go on with the next team. Which is… Rory and me."
Luke handed the marker to Rory, and sat down beside Lorelai. He crossed his arms. "It did look like a Gladiator."
Lorelai patted his arm and gave him a smile. "I'm sure it did, Luke. I'm sure it did."
*
A/N:
Attention, avid readers! Starting from next chapter onwards, the whole fic will be written in a hybrid language of Japanese, Spanish and French. I call this new language Frapanish. It'll be revolutionary!
Also, I need someone to send me naughty pictures of Luke. I need them for, erm, research. Yup. That's it. Fic research.
*
