Note: Actually, Lisa's pajamas are roughly based on my blue Winnie the Pooh pajamas, except the pocket is on the left and there is no pink bunny.  Unfortunately.

Disclaimer: Several Mary-Sues were harmed in the making of this nonsense.  GO ME!

Chapter 2 – We smells the blood of Hobbitses, we does!

Frodo Baggins stood on the road, looking worriedly into the weirdly swirling distance as the other three Hobbits gorged themselves on mushrooms.  He had a bad feeling about something – the very something that had suddenly given him trippy tunnel vision.

"GET OFF THE ROAD!"  He shouted, knowing that something evil was coming and that it would of course be both blind and hard of hearing.  The Hobbits scurried quickly to a conveniently enormous tree root and hid under it, just in time.  At that very moment, a gorgeous human female scurried into the frame and the whole forest lit up with her ebullient radiance.  Frodo felt an odd stirring within and had an overwhelming urge to rise from his hiding spot and madly snog this newcomer, but at that moment Lisa appeared and body-checked the radiant girl.

"Geeyaaaah!" The not-so-ebullient one cried as she thunked into the foliage.

"Hands off, this in MY Mary-Sue and those are MY food-bearing Hobbits!"  She said, kicking the hapless Mary-Sue into a crumpled heap at the side of the road.  Then she turned towards the tree root, rubbing her hands together in anticipated glee.  A strange odor filled her nostrils, an altogether unpleasant stench reminiscent of both chemistry class and skunk spray.  And it was coming from the base of a conveniently-placed giant tree root.

"Ewwwwww," She expunged, wrinkling her nose.  "Don't tell me they smell bad too.  No wonder the Nazgul used scent to track them."

"No, Mr. Frodo!"  Sam cried, poking the little Hobbit with the stub of a broken carrot.  "You mustn't reveal yourself; it's a MARY-SUE!"

The other two Hobbits gasped in shock as they digested what the fat little Hobbit had just revealed.

"I knew something terrible was going on!"  Merry said, "But never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this!"

"nkjfdhgjkhlgsdjpv;mprjgkd;lm!"

"Huh?"

"Ijfcdn fdnvkjd;jg dfhngfdn;!!"

"Does anyone here speak Pippin?"  Frodo sighed. Honestly, I don't know what they were thinking when they cast you…"

"Excuse me."  Lisa interrupted.

"Ahhh!"  The Hobbits yelled as one.

"Get back!"  Sam cried, wielding his carrot in a menacing way.  "Or I shall be forced to…uh…throttle you?"

"Oh quiet, you" Lisa muttered, grabbing the carrot from Sam's hand and devouring it.  "Got any more food?"  She burped, wiping her hand across her mouth.

"I think I'm in love!" Merry exclaimed, little sparkles appearing in his eyes.

"Cool trick."  Frodo replied, but you can't possibly be in love with her, she's a Mary Sue.  I think…"  He glanced more thoroughly at the girl with the bad table manners.  She didn't look like a Mary-Sue.  Her hair was a scraggly mousy brown mess, there were bits of flax sticking out of it at irregular intervals, and she was wearing rather flimsy trousers with a hole…He choked violently.

"Oh, no Mr. Frodo!"  Sam cried, beating him on the back, which only made the choking worse.

"Don't beat him, you fool, you'll only make it worse."  The human girl-thing mumbled through a mouthful of beetroot.  She'd seized Pippin's supply of stolen vegetables and was halfway through the lot.  Frodo clawed at his gardener, face turning a becoming shade of violet.  Merry leaped on Sam, knocking him over and Frodo gasped, air finally returning to his lungs.

"Oh, Mr. Frodo, I thought you were a goner!"  Sam cried, flinging himself upon Frodo and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Down boy!"  Frodo commanded.  Sam dropped to his knees.  "Sit!  Now, stay….good boy."  Frodo patted his gardener on the head affectionately.  Sam beamed and panted.

"This is just getting weird."  Lisa observed, holding the last turnip above Merry and Pippins' heads and watching them leaping about, trying to reach it.

"You're right."  Frodo said.  "I probably shouldn't have thrown away that script."

"I told you so."  Sam grumbled, reaching for his own.  "There, see…Tunnel Vision…Conveniently placed tree root…ah!  Here we are, there's supposed to be a Black Rider…"

Right on cue, there was an eerie screech.

"Bingo."  Sam said triumphantly, stuffing the script back under his shirt.

"GET OFF THE ROAD!"  Frodo screamed.

"No, we've already done that part."  Merry reminded them.

"Oh right, them, um…."

"We must lay in the dirt until the insects crawl all over us, then use the vegetables to distract the black rider into thinking we are actually a foot to the left."

"But we haven't got any vegetables!"  Pippin screamed.

Everyone stared in awe at the little Hobbit.

"My god."  Lisa said.  "I actually understood him."

"Me too."  Said Sam.

"Oh, sorry."  Pippin replied, "I meant: jhdgiehsflkhsefu!"

"Screw this."  Frodo said, "Let's just make a run for it!"

So they did.  Lisa was of course, one of them now, not in the sense that she became a Hobbit, but that she was now, as per Mary-Sue requirements, accepted as one of the gang.

No one thought this odd; they were too busy running for their lives.

"BUCKLE………BERRY………FERRY!"

Someone yelled.  Lisa couldn't quite make out who, but it was probably Merry, since that seemed like a Merry thing to do.  Although it did sort of have that state the obvious thing hat Frodo and Sam seemed to like as well.  Either way, it was to be no secret where they were headed.

A black rider swooped out of the darkness, cackling evilly and wielding his scary sword-like thing.

"I shall poke thee with my stabbing apparatus and thou shall join me in un-life!" he said through cackles of glee.

"Whoa, you guys don't talk."  Lisa said, kicking the black rider.  "And you don't swoop, either."

"Aww, but looking cool on a scary black horse gets so tiresome after a few centuries."  The black rider sniffed.  "I just wanted to try something different for a change."

"Well stop it."  She demanded.  "You're ruining my Mary-Sue."

"Would it help if I poked you with my evil sword of un-death?"  He asked.

"No."  Lisa said adamantly.

"Oh come on."  The black rider whined, "Can't I poke you just a little?  Please…"

"I said no." 

"Fine."  He pouted.  "What about the wee ones, can I poke the wee ones?" 

"Not yet!"  Lisa sighed.  "Geez, haven't you guys read the actual NOVEL?"

"Novel?"  The black rider sounded disgusted.  "This IS a Mary-Sue, is it not?"

"Good point."  Lisa agreed.  "Now go chase some Hobbits or something."

The Black Rider (Who will hereby be referred to as Nazgul #3, just for the heck of it) galloped off on his scary horse to terrorize the Hobbits a little more.

And Lisa ran towards the direction that would undoubtedly lead to Buckleberry Ferry.  Either that or a certain Ranger….She ran a little faster.

Ooh, even I wasn't expecting that.

Yes, I am aware that 'thunked' isn't a real word, but we likes the sounds of it, we does. 

We also likes wee little Pippin, but we couldn't resist playing with his accent.  Why is we talking like this?  Even though he spoke readable English in the first chapter….I was hoping no one would remember.

Yeah, um, that last bit was pure me.  Damn.