Title: Floating Up
Chapter 12: Emptiness
Author: Kora
E-mail: KrazyKora@aol.com or WinterViolet24@aol.com
Rating: R
Disclaimer: The following characters belong to WWE and all the people and companies who deal with all that legal stuff. I am simply using the characters for my own twisted enjoyment. All warnings featured on Part 1.
Author's note: Neat little AU moment in here, you'll know it when you read it! ;)
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Last time I talked to you
You were lonely and out of place
You were looking down on me
Lost out in space
Laid underneath the stars
Strung out and feeling brave
Watch the riddles glow
Watch them float away
You're falling back to me
The star that I can't see
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
You're falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
-Our Lady Peace, 'Somewhere Out There'
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"And then it ends," Stephanie said softly," Nothing after that. I mean, after that it's basically me in the gutter and then Shawn coming. It's like I told you before; most of my memory really starts after I took that shower in Shawn's hotel room. The things I remember before are there but it's almost like they never happened. They feel as unreal to me as dreams."
"Mmm," Doctor Holden murmured, writing a few notes on the clipboard before her, "That's to be expected. Your mind locked those memories up tight in your subconscious. Even though you now remember them they've had enough time locked away to become fuzzy."
"Yeah, I guess but I wish I could remember something distinguishing about this man or how I got from the parking garage to outside. Those parts are too blotted out still. I just wish it'd hurry up!"
"Stephanie, we've discussed how rushing things is not good for anyone. You've all ready uncovered a lot in only a short amount of time, that's impressive for anyone. You should be proud but you can't force yourself. These things come with time."
"I know, I know," Stephanie muttered and rested her forehead against her fingers, her arm propped up on the arm of her chair.
Doctor Holden jotted a few more notes then asked calmly, "What about Shawn?"
Stephanie looked up, startled, "What?"
"Mr. Michaels? The man who found you? What's been going on with him?"
"Oh. I-I don't know frankly. We haven't been speaking."
Doctor Holden's eyebrows rose, "Really? From what I understand you two have a very close relationship."
"We did. He just," Stephanie sighed and sat up in her chair straighter, suddenly recharged by the new subject, "Doctor Holden, can I ask you a question?"
"Of course."
"Well, it's about Shawn, see, he thinks we should spend time apart because of the interest my attacker has been showing in me, you know, wanting to hurt me. And more importantly, my friends and family. I told him I didn't think that was a good idea, that I needed him now more than ever in this troubling time and then he said-he said he was having feelings for me he shouldn't. But he didn't want to discuss them considering everything that's happened and that he's worried when I look at him all I'll see and remember is the rape and I just-I want to know what you think." Stephanie whispered.
Doctor Holden tapped her pencil against her lips, "Can I be honest, Stephanie?"
"Please, I'd love some honesty."
"When you spoke of Shawn in our first meetings I was going to suggest you stay away from him. I didn't find your relationship all too healthy. I was worried you'd develop an obsession. You'd put Shawn on a pedestal and glorify him to a degree that would be as unfair for him as it was for you. But as time digressed, I started to think the opposite.
"I started to think the interaction was actually healthy. Technically speaking, seeing Shawn should remind you of the rape. It should shake you up. The Rain, the parking lot-those things remind you of the rape in terrifying ways but with Shawn you've managed to relate back to positive things.
"Because of your interaction with him, you haven't lost touch with people. From my understanding you let him hold you and touch you and for some victims of rape it takes weeks before they're ready for that. Shawn introduced you to that, kept you from fearing it. True, you slapped away others at first but eventually you allowed them in as well and all because of Shawn.
"I have to commend him on that and I think of that angle of your relationship as healthy. There are many more things that the rape could have caused you to have issues with but because of him, you don't. I think it's even what has helped you to speed along so quickly. You have less mental roadblocks to deal with than some people.
"But we have to think of Shawn, Stephanie. I have been very interested in the idea of meeting him. Especially since some things about him concern me. You and I often discuss you and your feelings which is expected of our appointments but if we look outside for once we have to look at Shawn. What he's gone through, what he's suffered, after all…he did find you Stephanie. Imagine yourself in his shoes. Imagine you had found yourself. How would you feel?"
Stephanie shuddered, "I can't even imagine."
"You see? Neither can I. Now you said Shawn was the one to suggest you spend time apart, you mentioned the attacker and in a way I can agree with him on that note, it is a good suggestion in that light but you said it might be a cover and again I have to agree considering you said he also mentioned feelings. Do you know what kind of feelings Stephanie?"
"Not really."
"Do you think they are romantic?"
Stephanie flushed. She could almost feel Shawn's lips still hovering near her neck, his mouth sucking at her fingers. She tugged at the collar of her shirt bashfully, "Maybe. I don't know for sure."
"Hmm, it's not uncommon. Especially considering the circumstances in which you two came together. Do you return these feelings?"
"I-I really don't know how to answer that." Stephanie said, the blush on her skin growing worse.
Doctor Holden's smile merely grew wider and she shook her head, "I can see where Shawn is coming from. It's surprising actually, to see how thoughtful he is. He is obviously the kind of person who puts others needs before his own. You see, Stephanie, if Shawn's feelings truly are romantic he's going to become paranoid. He's going to think that any kind of reciprocation of similar feelings from you are either his imagination or spurned on by his helping you, hero worship to the full degree.
"In other words, his feelings are most likely genuine and he's worried yours are not. That you feel you owe him love. No one wants to be in a relationship where one partner loves the other more. So he's trying to pull away, stay away from you and then see what comes of it. It's all a defense mechanism.
"There's also the matter in which you two came to be. As I said, it's understandable given the circumstances that he would grow feelings for you but in most ways it seems highly inappropriate. When he found you, you were left at a disadvantage. Now, because of his possible romantic feelings, it looks like he's moving in on you while you're vulnerable."
"But that's ridiculous," Stephanie scoffed, "He's never done anything to-to play me like that. He doesn't have any advantage over anyone else just because he was the one to find me. I mean there are a lot of other men I've seriously considered becoming…involved with since the rape but I chose not to because, well, I had been with them before. And by that I mean we had our-times but now they're over and for this reason or that I can't see things being resurrected. Hunter is a perfect example."
"Hunter? You're ex-husband?"
Stephanie nodded, "Yes, Hunter and I were starting to get real close after…the rape. In fact, we're still very close and I'd be lying if I said I didn't seriously consider getting back together with him. I mean, Hunter is so sweet and handsome and I do love him but, you see, there are just too many complications when it comes to him and me. I've changed and he's changed and while in our own ways we've both changed for the better there are still things that would stand in our way. Old wounds that just won't heal no matter what."
Doctor Holden's fingers came together and she clucked her tongue in thought, then pushed up her glasses before remarking, "You mention…old wounds. Tell me, Stephanie, what do you remember of your life before the rape."
Her eyes widened, this question unexpected and new, "Wow. I've-um," she rubbed the back of her neck, "I've never really thought about that much."
"Try."
"Well," Stephanie took in a shaky breath and a notch formed between her eyes as she thought hard, "I know my professional life was on an upswing but…my personal life was a wash. Hunter and I had gotten divorced and I wasn't seeing many guys. I wasn't interested in fact. I spent most of my nights alone at home or with Shane. I-I've never had many girl friends. And by that I mean, I could never call up one of the girls I work with and go out.
"I guess you could say that all the other quote-unquote 'divas' are close with each other but not me. I was never really part of that, never included. I mean, my body's fine enough I supposed but you don't see me in the swimsuit issues, it's always Torrie and Terri and Trish and they're all pretty close but me I've always been outside that, so-no, no really close girl friends to chat it up with.
"I always felt….lacking. This nagging sense that someone was out there for me, someone just at my fingertips and that I just had to find them. I tried not to think about it too much though or I got real depressed. You know, face in a carton of vanilla fudge and stuff like that. No, I guess past work my life was pretty empty."
Doctor Holden leaned back in her chair, "And how would you say it is now?"
She opened her mouth to speak but Doctor Holden cut her off, "And keep in mind to leave out the transition from the rape as well as these recent attacks, I want you to focus more on the parts of your life you just described minus these recent…difficulties."
"I-I guess, well, work has become something of a challenge. I find it hard to concentrate given…circumstances but not just because of the things you told me to leave out but because…well, my personal life has been more active.
"For example, as I'm sure you saw at the last survivor's meeting, I brought Torrie Wilson with me and she told the girls about her own experiences. She and I went shopping afterwards and I got to know a lot about her, she's even invited me to go on a boat trip with her and Billy Kidman which was nice of her and I'm most likely going to take her up on it.
"And then there's been my boys-and by that I mean, the male superstars of Smackdown who have been nothing but sweet to me lately. I went out to the movies with Kurt not too long ago and that was fun, especially when Kurt tried to get a discount on his popcorn with his 'I won the Olympics with a broken neck' bragging. And then Brock came by and asked me if I'd like to help him work out, you know help him count out his sets and things like that and that was more fun than I thought it would be."
Stephanie rubbed her chin, "Hmm, what else? Matt Hardy convinced me to go with him and Shannon to a club and…most of this, of course, was before Dad's suspension from work. A little of it after but I'd have to say since the rape things have been…different and not in entirely bad ways.
"I mean since it…happened, Shawn and I have become close and thanks to him I've been more open to making friends and going out and relaxing and the things he and I did together were always fun. I remember one time, it had to have been my second week coming to the survivor's group, he came and picked me up afterwards and I was a mess.
"I'd been crying and I had tears and snot all over me and he didn't…didn't say a thing. Instead he just handed me a couple of tissues to wipe my face off with. Took me to McDonald's and told me to order whatever I wanted no matter how fattening and then we just sat in his car and talked about all sorts of things like how strange it is on the show 'Friends' they're all friends with each other but don't seem to have any friend outside of those six people. I mean you think they'd run into someone else they know and say, 'hey, what's up' but no, it's just Rachel, Ross, Phoebe…"
Stephanie laughed and shook her head; "I know it seems stupid and pointless but it's nice sometimes to just sit around with Shawn and shoot the breeze about nothing at all. Like when we played with Rufus, his dog that isn't really his dog and we were tossing him sticks and I was telling Shawn about how I had to go for another AIDS test soon and he asked if I wanted him to come and…"
She trailed off and looked at Doctor Holden, "So much has happened since the rape, you know? And even though it was a horrible thing and still is, even with the attacker out there some things have come that have been…I mean, I thought after the rape my life would be over and there would never be anything good but now there has been. And I don't feel bad about it, I just feel lucky and happy. Is it…bad?"
"No, Stephanie, it's very good. Life shouldn't end after a rape. And it certainly means you shouldn't be happy again. Nothing good comes out of rape and it changes your life but that doesn't mean your life has to be bad forever. From what you've told me, your life has changed in a good way and there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, your should feel lucky because you are lucky. You've progressed well and healed nicely since the rape and as I said earlier, I am impressed.
"I think, in fair estimation, that you are going to be just fine, Stephanie McMahon and as for Mr. Michaels, I think it's up to you to show him that things are okay. He needs to learn what I've just told you and know that it's okay for you to feel good. And it's okay for him too. As for possible romantic interest well, that's all up to you two, isn't it?"
Stephanie blushed again, "I guess. But…one other thing I mean, since I was sexually assaulted does that mean, I won't be…"
"That was the other half of what we just went over Stephanie. Even though you were raped, it doesn't mean you are now barred from having sexual and romantic feelings. In fact, feeling these things still are normal and expected. You shouldn't be ashamed and neither should Mr. Michaels. You may have some difficulty with certain sexual acts considering what happened but just take things slow. There should be nothing that should keep you from having a normal, healthy romantic relationship if you desire one."
Stephanie nodded, then gave Doctor Holden a big smile, "Thanks, Doctor. You've been a big help as always."
"You're welcome, dear."
Stephanie got to her feet, "I'll see you at the next meeting. I think Torrie will be coming with me again if that's all right."
"Perfectly fine, I'll be looking forward to seeing you then and Stephanie?"
"Yes?" Stephanie asked, hand on the doorknob to leave.
"I wouldn't suggest running off to Shawn just yet. Give him a few more days to cool his heels and then I'd speak to him about this conversation we just had. Let him know you're fine and you don't feel pressured by him at all and most importantly, suggest to him that if he has problems he speak to someone about them. It's never good to suppress or bottle our emotions. Remember, my door is open to everyone."
Stephanie nodded, "I will. Thanks again."
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"Tell me, when he hit your head, did it knock out about everything I told you that night and make you stupid to boot?" Nash hissed over the phone. Shawn Michaels let out a sigh and rubbed his forehead as he lay back on his bed. Rufus was curled up at the end fast asleep. He had let the dog in the house because it was just too damn hot outside for anything living. He had the air cranked up on full blast but still felt too drained to move. Not to mention he was too busy getting bitched at by his friend.
"Nash…"
"No, you don't get to speak yet! You're lucky I'm not there to wring that impertinent neck of yours! How could you let things end like that? How could you be so fucking stupid!"
"Nash…"
"I mean here she was, at your place, as cute as a button I'll bet, ready to feed you cake and spend time with you and lord only knows what else and you practically throw her out. Hell, run her out! And break that all ready fragile heart of hers, I mean, hasn't she been through enough without you bouncing up and down on-"
"NASH!"
Nash stopped speaking at Shawn's shout and Shawn sighed, irritated as she noticed he's woken the dog up with his noise, "Look, I told you why I did what I did, man. Better I seem like a jerk than a sore loser because she chose to get back together with Hunter."
"You are a sore loser, Shawn. You didn't even ask her about it, didn't even give her a chance to explain."
"Explain what? She was kissing him? What other reason do you have for kissing a man unless you're getting back together with him?"
"Maybe it was a good bye kiss."
"Didn't look like no good bye kiss to me. No, no they're the Helmselys again and there's no way I'm going to sit around twiddling my thumbs while they play house a second time, thank you very much."
"So what? You'd rather lie there in bed, and yes, I know you're lying in bed right now I'd bet about a hundred bucks to it, and mope? Brood on what you can't have? Shawn, I've known you long enough to know you're not a quitter. If you want Stephanie then tell her goddammit or I'll do it for you. There's no way I'm having you lay around like a useless shit for the rest of your days. It's pathetic."
Shawn let out another heavy sigh as Rufus climbed up to him and lay a paw on his chest, Shawn looked at him and smiled, "How can I do anything? It'd look…wrong."
"Wrong?"
"Like I'm using some kind of advantage. A bargaining chip 'cause I found her first. What if she feels she owes me so…"
"Oh shut up! Stephanie isn't like that and you know it! She likes you then she does, if not then get over it. Hell, I'll find you a woman and help you get over it. See? I told you, you should have dated Rebecca when you had the chance."
"That Nitro girl?"
"Yeah, that Nitro girl. She was friggin' gorgeous and you turned her down flat."
Shawn shrugged and scratched Rufus' head, "I don't know. Probably could have been happy with her I suppose but I just wasn't ready."
"And now you are?"
Shawn shrugged again, "I thought I was but…Stephanie? I mean so many obstacles there and…"
"You know what? Quit your whining! I hate repeating myself and you're having me do it right now 'cause I told you all this stuff all ready that night at Pitt's! You're miserable, ten to one she's miserable, get over yourself, call her, apologize, ask her about Hunter and get it over with. You guys might still have a chance. Stop being a scared chickenshit pussy and do something!" Nash snapped.
"Damn, Kevin, you have your wheaties today or what? You sure as hell are ripping into me," Shawn muttered angrily.
There was a weary sigh on the other end, "I know, I know, look, normally I'd be more supportive about this whole ordeal but I've been dealing with Scotty lately. He's facing some troubles avoiding the bottle again and between you two I just…feel strained."
Shawn sat up a little, his voice full of sincerity when he spoke next, "I'm sorry, man, I didn't know that. You need some help with 'im?"
"No, no I'm good. Look, seriously, honestly, just do what I tell you, willya? You and Stephanie still have a chance you just have to stop being afraid. The Shawn I know wouldn't be afraid, he'd jump up and do something. So do it Shawn, stop holding back, stop being afraid of what others think and just do it."
Shawn looked at Rufus and smiled, "Maybe I will. You take care of Scott, ya hear? I'll take it all from here. Thanks for talking to me too."
"You're welcome," there was a pause and then Nash sighed and said softly, in an embarrassed whisper, "You know, I love you, man."
"I know ya do, buddy, I love you too." Shawn said truthfully then laughed, "Wanna go to bed?"
"Oh shut up," Nash chuckled and they said their good byes. Shawn hung up the phone and Rufus lowered his head to lick his face. Shawn sputtered and laughed and pushed the dog away, "You're a real pain, you know that? Making me like you so much."
The dog looked at him with big expressive eyes and rested on him, Shawn laughed and scratched his head again, "I shouldn't like you, you know? Someone else might own you. And it'd be wrong for me to take you in all things considered but…"
He sighed, "I've been pretty stupid with that pretty lady. You remember her? The one who smelled good and scratched your belly? Tossed you sticks? Yeah, I know you haven't seen her in a while and it's 'cause I've been stupid. Stupid, scared, jealous and all those other bad adjectives."
The dog looked at him in an almost bewildered sense and Shawn laughed as he nudged him, "Hey, how about you and me go on a trip and find her?"
The dog moved on his chest slightly, then barked and Shawn smiled, "I'll take that as a 'yes'."
