Title: Floating Up
Chapter 17: Break
Author: Kora
E-mail: KrazyKora@aol.com or WinterViolet24@aol.com
Rating: R
Disclaimer: The following characters belong to WWE and all the people and companies who deal with all that legal stuff. I am simply using the characters for my own twisted enjoyment. All warnings featured on Part 1.
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Last time I talked to you
You were lonely and out of place
You were looking down on me
Lost out in space
Laid underneath the stars
Strung out and feeling brave
Watch the riddles glow
Watch them float away
You're falling back to me
The star that I can't see
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
You're falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
-Our Lady Peace, 'Somewhere Out There'
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Stephanie looked into the full-length mirror in her apartment, examining her appearance. Today was when she was supposed to go on the boat trip with Torrie Wilson and Billy Kidman. There was a light drizzle falling but the weather reports projected the light rain ending in only a few hours and by then she'd be on the boat, soaking up the day. She wondered idly if a rainbow would form as she pulled on a pair of gray sweatpants and a white shirt. She ran a hand through her hair. She considered pulling it back into a ponytail but thought better of it.
She was far from glamorous but she found no real reason to dress up. Today was day of simple enjoyment and relaxation. Besides, Kidman would be feasting his eyes on Torrie and she wasn't looking for male attention anyway. She just wanted to enjoy the cool sea breeze in her face and feel the sun on her skin.
She had left the family estate weeks ago and sequestered herself in her apartment; this would be her first time out since then. She had not spoken to a soul save for the phone and even then there were only certain individuals she was willing to speak with. She had not spoken to Shawn since the day of Mitch's final attack.
She couldn't even begin to imagine what she would say to him. So much had happened, the whole whirlwind of events left her dizzy just thinking about it. The trial date had been set and most signs pointed to Mitch Carlson spending the rest of his life locked away in some prison cell.
It should have made her happy and in a way it did but she also had to swallow everything he had said, his reasons for doing what he had done to her. How could she have been held responsible for not remembering him from high school? How could he be that…well, warped?
Everyone had told her not to worry about it. Offering their support and pointing out that very fact. Mitch was obviously deranged and it was simply her misfortune that he had chosen to make her his focal point but what he had said still pestered her. She hadn't actually heard him but Shane and Hunter had both basically told her verbatim what he had said after they felt she had healed well enough to hear it. That and her continued nagging and insistence moved them along nicely.
While neither of them would tell her too much, not wanting to cause her undue worry nor stress she had managed to piece enough together. The mad man had tortured her because he had felt she had been ignoring him, because she hadn't remembered him. He had been a small part of her life but somehow she had become a big part of his. The whole idea was disconcerting to say the least. It made her question every single act she had ever done to someone.
Doctor Holden had told her to relax, that not all people were quite like the insane Mitch Carlson, but still, comfort was hard to find. She knew the best place she'd find it too but she just couldn't bring herself to speak to him. Besides, she, in part, felt responsible for his recent woes, which Kevin Nash had related to her.
She had had a hell of a time getting a hold of Nash, who was more than happy to give her Shawn updates, since she wasn't ready to ask the man himself about them. Shawn had started seeing a therapist to deal with finding Stephanie as well as having, in part, suffered from Mitch's stalker tendencies. He had been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, which he had told Nash was extremely embarrassing and not to tell a soul.
Nash couldn't help but laugh about it over the phone; "Man is so sensitive about being emasculated. It's ludicrous. I mean, after all that happened, it would make sense he'd have post-traumatic stress. I mean, when I think of it, he was showing the symptoms but still, Shawn's too proud to admit he has a problem like that. Doesn't want people thinking he's a nut."
"Too late," Stephanie had said with an unrestrained grin.
Nash had sighed then, "So look…he tells me he's been, you know, trying to get in touch with you and it seems to be an impossible feat. Yet I'm talking to you right now, so…"
"I'm just not ready to deal with him, Kevin," Stephanie said honestly, "I mean, after everything that happened…"
"It's probably not my right to say this, but Steph, he realizes he was wrong and you know what a struggle it is to get that man to admit he's wrong and he wants to make it up to you so don't you think you could…"
"I-I can't. Not yet," Stephanie had said to him, changing the subject because she wasn't in the mood to discuss that with Nash. She had done so with Hunter and that in its own right had been stressful.
Thinking about Shawn only caused her to feel more conflicted. Lord knew she had enough of that. After Mitch's last attack and her near-second rape, Stephanie had had to struggle with new nightmares and fears, not to mention the other information she had had to swallow. The things Mitch had said, the reasons he'd done what he'd done.
In fact, it was those very reasons that she avoided Shawn. Nash and Hunter both thought it was because she was still mad at him for his behavior at his home in Texas but they didn't know about what had happened at the hotel. But even that wasn't the true reason anymore. Now she was staying away because of herself. Because she realized the kind of danger she imposed on him.
What if she was like poison to everyone she touched? What if she caused more people to go off like that? She couldn't necessarily say she'd brought good things into the lives of everyone she knew, especially Shawn's.
Because of his involvement with her, horrible things had befallen him, he wouldn't even have posttraumatic stress and be seeing a doctor if it wasn't for her. Wouldn't have had to deal with Mitch and his mad obsessions. What if in time his feelings for her turned to resentment? She'd be devastated if that happened; if he began to hate her.
Worries like these nagged and ate away at her day after day until she grew an almost phobic at the idea of seeing him again. Afraid of a numerous things that would go wrong. So she was left with only the one resolute option: avoid him at all costs until she figured out what to do.
Her days without him were fine enough but certainly not fulfilling nor enjoyable. They were just…days. Coming and going and as time progressed she felt some of her fears subside. Fears over Shawn and more importantly over what had happened with Mitch. The only problem she really faced these days was the gapping maw that grew inside her. She wanted to be with Shawn more than anything but she had to restrain herself. She didn't deserve him.
She touched the mirror with curious fingers. Her reflection wasn't overtly happy but she had a bit of a shine about her. She let out a breath and gave herself a little smile. Things weren't picture perfect but they weren't horrible either. Mitch was gone and she was going to go on a nice, relaxing boat trip. This would be a good day for her. One she could spend in meditation. Maybe even find the answers she was looking for.
Nodding resolutely to herself about this, decision made, she locked up ready to head out. She thought vaguely of Rufus and smiled sadly. She missed the dog. She remembered when she had thought of bringing him on this trip. But after what had happened at the office he had ended up back with Shawn. She sure could have used the pet now though. Something to cuddle through her long nights.
She wondered if she'd ever see him again as she stepped outside, the soft sprinkle coating her skin when she looked ahead of her and saw a sight that made her freeze. Out on the corner, standing there in the gentle downpour was Shawn. He looked thoroughly exhausted yet handsome, his hair loose and shabby, a trench coat tossed on over a blue shirt and jeans, a dog leash in his hand.
Stephanie walked over, wide eyed, breathing, "What are you doing here?"
He shrugged, "Waiting for you."
Stephanie looked at him in amazement, "How-how long have you been here?"
"A while."
"Jesus…" she whispered, knowing it had to have been quite a long time, his clothes more than just damp, "It's been raining."
"Just a drizzle," he assured her.
A notch formed between her eyes and she looked away from him, her gaze landing on the dog at his feet. Rufus had been excitedly yapping since she had approached them and she squatted down, scratching the dog's head and letting him lick her face. Shawn merely looked down at her with tired eyes as she played with the dog silently. He slowly bent down too, looking at her. She laughed now and then at the dog's affectionate behavior then asked, "How's Rufus been doing?"
"Good, good."
"Good," she repeated, chastising her response as stupid, but what else was there to say?
Shawn apparently found something, "Did you hear about-about everything?"
"I heard about what Mitch said, as well as your…condition."
"Can you believe it? Post traumatic stress, that's for Vietnam vets not me. I just found you; I shouldn't be so," he shrugged, "You'd think I was the fragile type. All sensitive and wimpy. Still, it explains a lot. Like why I haven't been able to be more open, say…certain things." He looked at her pointedly then.
Stephanie, not sure she was ready to jump straight to that issue, continued to look at the dog, commenting mildly, "He's a good dog. You know I forgot to ask that day when you…I mean, I thought you had said you wouldn't take him in."
"Funny story about that," Shawn said, his voice soft with affection as he continued to look at her. She looked back at him and felt her cheeks flush. She slowly rose to stand as did he. She wanted to look away, their stares holding too much feeling but she didn't, instead she managed to squeeze out, "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, you see," he paused and found a tree near by. He walked over and secured the dog's leash to one of the branches before going back over to Stephanie, his hands now free so he could move around more easily, "He kept coming around. And I thought to myself, he's just sticking around for food and a little affection, nothing more and once it's gone, or he's felt he's paid me back for it, he'll be gone and I'll miss him and I didn't want to feel that way, so I kept pushing him away. Avoiding him.
"But then I realized he wasn't coming around because he felt he had to or because he wanted something out of me, he was coming because he actually liked me. Generally liked me and I was too paranoid and insecure to accept it. So I took him to get his shots and took him in and decided to risk loving him because…"
"Shawn," she interrupted, her face anxious, "Are you comparing me in an analogy to the dog?"
"Sort of," Shawn muttered, "Not the most romantic tact to take I know but bear with me, I'm not as good with words as people think despite my so-called 'mic skills'."
"Shawn-"
"Shh," he whispered, drawing closer to her. Having his presence, his very being, so close to her immediately shut her up as she looked at him, her breath catching as he spoke in that gentle Texas slur, "I'm sorry, Stephanie. I'm sorry I was so stupid. You'll have to get used to that, 'cause unfortunately, I do it a lot. I'm not known for being the smartest guy around. I'm pig-headed and stubborn but…I can admit when I'm wrong when I finally get that I'm wrong and I was wrong with you. I was-I hurt you, and I didn't mean to.
"I did it selfishly to protect myself because I was scared about how I was feeling. Scared because I thought you didn't mean it. That you felt you owed me and once you got over your gratitude for what I'd done you'd realize you didn't care and you'd leave and I couldn't bear that idea considering how attached I'd become to you.
"But I also couldn't deal with just sitting on the sidelines and being your friend. I was out-of-my-mind jealous when you talked about Angle and Jericho and Hunter," he let out a breath on that name, "I thought you two had gotten back together, you know that now, and that just tore me apart because I-I wanted you so badly for myself and I felt I had no right to ask that of you everything considered. I didn't want you to think I was trying to take advantage of-of everything.
"But then I realized I had to give you more credit, you're smarter than that and if you like me then it's just that simple. You like me and I shouldn't fight it, especially since I want it so badly. You were right back at the hotel, I know now I have to relax and stop punishing myself and you because we can be happy. Even under the circumstance in which we came to…be, we can still be happy.
"There's nothing wrong with it. We'll get past the rape, and the attacks, and Mitch and all that because we're both strong people who overcome obstacles and if we set goals we go for them no matter what and push past them to-to….
"Aw hell, do you get what I'm blabbing on and on about, yet?"
Stephanie looked down and grinned softly, "Yes, I got it a long time ago, Shawn."
He let out a heavy breath and ran a hand through his hair, "I know there are wounds that just won't heal. And I know that there are some things that time just won't erase but…Stephanie, I can't stay away from you anymore. I miss you too much. I mean without you I'm just not…whole."
Stephanie's eyes watered at that and Shawn let out a shaky laugh, forking a thumb over his shoulder at Rufus, "And I mean…I do have a dog. Could this be anymore picture perfect?"
She giggled at that, the sound coming out rattled as an array of emotions rolled over her. Shawn answered his own question, his voice husky with it's intent, "Well, it could be perfect, I mean, if you were in it. With me."
"Oh Shawn," she breathed.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you these past few days. And I'm sorry about my behavior at the hotel that was…bad. I know you've gone through a lot considering he tried to-to…do it a second time. I can only imagine what you've gone through and my choosing to go off the handle and be a scared, selfish jackass around the same time certainly didn't help."
"Shawn," Stephanie said softly, moving from foot to foot, her head down, "I appreciate what you're saying and what you're doing but it's not necessary. We went over this stuff at the hotel all ready but-but the big problem between you and me isn't that anymore. It's that-that I don't really bring good things into your life.
"All the terrible things that have happened to you lately are my fault, my responsibility. If it wasn't for me, you would have never gotten involved with Mitch and his insane vendetta revenge plot and even without him in the picture, when I think about it, I was mostly a bother and-"
He cut her off, "Stephanie. I've told you more than once that I make mistakes and that I can't promise I won't make more mistakes in the future but what I forgot to add was that you make mistakes too."
She looked confused at that comment and he elaborated, "You made the mistake of being wrong about not bring good things into my life. Yeah, a lot of stuff happened that wasn't so great but it wasn't because of you. It was because of Mitch. You…you brought good things. Wonderful things. You brought feeling. Something I haven't had in a long time. You made it so I wasn't empty and….god, Stephanie, you have no idea-"
"Then give me one," Stephanie found herself snapping, arms crossed, "I want to believe you, Shawn, but I can't risk hurting you again or myself and…and I just don't see how this can work. So tell me how? And while you're at it, tell me why I should let you have a second chance to-to be in my life again."
"Stephanie, please, you have to let me try-"
"Why?" she pressed.
"Because I love you."
Stephanie took a step back, her arm's unfolding as her mouth dropped open a little. Shawn swallowed, his heart pounding loudly in his ears. It felt so strange to hear it aloud. It was like feeling the force impact of an earthquake. He could almost swear he felt the ground beneath his feet move. She looked at him with those big, expressive blue eyes and he felt himself shiver slightly, tremble under a wave of worry as he pressed on.
"I love you, Stephanie. I've been in love with you for a while now and maybe to some people it seems wrong but they can go to hell for all I care because I do and I have to have you in my life because you mean so much and I'm sorry it took me so long to say it but-"
Stephanie shook her head, feeling like she was floating as she spoke, "You don't have to say anymore, Shawn. That's-that's all I wanted. All I ever wanted. Was to hear you say…how you feel."
Shawn felt a shaky grin take him, "You want me to say it again?"
She laughed and he opened his arms. She dove into them, breathing in his scent, overcome with a myriad of emotions. God how she had missed his arms and the comfort they provided within. He held her close to him, tightly, whispering over and over again his love as he rained kisses down on her head.
She pulled back and he reached up a hand and brushed her cheek, Stephanie's smile wobbled slightly as she said quietly, "Does this mean you're going to kiss me again?"
Shawn's grin grew, "That's exactly what it means."
Her arms eagerly wrapped around his neck as his head titled to one side, his breath whirring along her mouth. The breathlessness she had experienced the first time he went to kiss her returned again with a vengeance, making her stomach and heart twist simultaneously as he looked down at her with stormy eyes. Even better than stormy, even better than desire and passion and lust. They were eyes filled with love.
She hoped hers showed the same as his tongue first dragged whisper-soft along her lower lip lazily, tasting, exploring the full curve. A shiver skidded through her, a shiver she didn't even think possible, this being only the second time he'd kissed her. She parted her mouth invitingly, anxious for more, her body trembling as his hands slid down to rest on her waist, tugging her hips to brush against his.
Need washed through his body in a red-hot wave as he continued to torment them both, the soft, gentle brushing of lip against lip a special kind of torture. Finally a groan tore out of him as he gave into lowering his mouth to hers fully, slanting his head slightly so that his tongue could plunge deeply inside to claim her mouth, that familiar honeyed taste of her washing through his system.
The tender movement of his mouth against hers soon gave way to hungry, greedy kisses. The warm, liquid tip of his tongue flicking against hers, causing electricity to sear through her chest as he clung to her, his fingers driving upwards again this time to twine possessively in her hair. She returned the kiss, her tongue dueling with his as tiny kittenish sounds curled out of her throat.
Suddenly he drew away, much to her dismay, to ask giddy and breathless, "Good?"
"Shut up and do it again," she mumbled with a small measure of amusement and eased his head forward, crashing his mouth on top of hers again. They stood there on the street and continued to kiss.
In the back of their minds they both knew there was still a lot of trouble ahead for both of them. There was still Mitch's trial to go through as well as other issues that hung over their heads but at this particular moment it was pushed away and forgotten as they became wrapped up in each other. They were so lost in one another that they hadn't even noticed that the rain had stopped and the sun was peeking out from behind the clouds, coming out at long last.
~Fin
