Haldir's diary; part 3
STILL day 3 Anyway, I'm standing on the battlements of helm's deep.
With the ELVES in the range of fire.
Theoden flipped a coin to decide whose troops would get to stand at the front of the wall in the firing range, and guess what? Heads won. The Elves won. I KNOW he cheated. Stupid Rohirric currency; who'd have thought that they'd used the horse symbol on BOTH sides of the coin?!
Ok... breathe, calm.
I've decided: in case I die, I have a will. I don't have much to leave to the world, and I don't know how I'm going to do so, but this comforts me, in a way. Ahem
I, Haldir o Lorien, son of Nunaur, March warden of the Golden Wood solemnly pronounce the following in case of sudden and/or violent death:
-I leave all my possessions to my faithful, loyal brothers, who never squealed on me about my crush on Elladan, a long time ago. (Then again, if I die, Rumil and Orophin are probably also dead since they can't fight as well as I can and it took them 479 years to shoot a single arrow - and they both hit Celeborn in the groin.) So, try again:
-In case Rumil and/or Orophin are also dead, my possessions go to Galadriel, the mother I never had. (No. Why should I leave my possessions to anyone, especially Green Queen?) Take 3:
-If I should die in this here battle, I would like my body to be burnt WITH my beloved possessions into ashes. (Hah! Take that Rumil! You can't have Mr. Honeybunny!! It's my Mr. Honeybunny!! Mine!)
...And my ashes sprinkled in the fair wood of Laurelindorenan, under my tree. (Which is MY tree Rumil! Also mine!)
If I should die; I would like a messenger to take the following message to lady Arwen Undomiel of Rivendell: ARAGORN IS GAY
And the picture of Drunken Legolas Streaking sent to King Thranduil of the woodland realm. (But ONLY if I'm DEAD; I don't want to face their wrath alive! I'm too young to die!)
...Which brings us back to our current situation:
We are about to be slaughtered by 10,000 uruk-hai who have never known what a bath is. (Which reminds me of a certain hairy friend) ___
Oh, Eru-I'm nervous.
My bow is poised. My hand is steady. My first arrow ready to aim.
Aragorn calls out to draw the arrows, and I am ready to fire. Legolas mutters some advice about shooting some weak body part of the uruks and expects the whole regiment to hear.
I don't care what he says; I'm just aiming for the groin.
Somehow, I think we're going to win this battle...
Oh crap.
Some lousy Rohan peasant with arthritis just 'accidentally' fired an arrow, right when we're still at our non-violent stage. I call it the glaring stage, where the whole vibe is basically: 'slaughter us if you can you whiny little--'
I was really enjoying the view as well. Ah well, sooner is better than later. I think.
Quote Theoden: "so it begins"
At least the arrow killed an uruk.
Ah well. Must look to the bright side. Only 9,999 evil killing machines to go.
STILL day 3 Anyway, I'm standing on the battlements of helm's deep.
With the ELVES in the range of fire.
Theoden flipped a coin to decide whose troops would get to stand at the front of the wall in the firing range, and guess what? Heads won. The Elves won. I KNOW he cheated. Stupid Rohirric currency; who'd have thought that they'd used the horse symbol on BOTH sides of the coin?!
Ok... breathe, calm.
I've decided: in case I die, I have a will. I don't have much to leave to the world, and I don't know how I'm going to do so, but this comforts me, in a way. Ahem
I, Haldir o Lorien, son of Nunaur, March warden of the Golden Wood solemnly pronounce the following in case of sudden and/or violent death:
-I leave all my possessions to my faithful, loyal brothers, who never squealed on me about my crush on Elladan, a long time ago. (Then again, if I die, Rumil and Orophin are probably also dead since they can't fight as well as I can and it took them 479 years to shoot a single arrow - and they both hit Celeborn in the groin.) So, try again:
-In case Rumil and/or Orophin are also dead, my possessions go to Galadriel, the mother I never had. (No. Why should I leave my possessions to anyone, especially Green Queen?) Take 3:
-If I should die in this here battle, I would like my body to be burnt WITH my beloved possessions into ashes. (Hah! Take that Rumil! You can't have Mr. Honeybunny!! It's my Mr. Honeybunny!! Mine!)
...And my ashes sprinkled in the fair wood of Laurelindorenan, under my tree. (Which is MY tree Rumil! Also mine!)
If I should die; I would like a messenger to take the following message to lady Arwen Undomiel of Rivendell: ARAGORN IS GAY
And the picture of Drunken Legolas Streaking sent to King Thranduil of the woodland realm. (But ONLY if I'm DEAD; I don't want to face their wrath alive! I'm too young to die!)
...Which brings us back to our current situation:
We are about to be slaughtered by 10,000 uruk-hai who have never known what a bath is. (Which reminds me of a certain hairy friend) ___
Oh, Eru-I'm nervous.
My bow is poised. My hand is steady. My first arrow ready to aim.
Aragorn calls out to draw the arrows, and I am ready to fire. Legolas mutters some advice about shooting some weak body part of the uruks and expects the whole regiment to hear.
I don't care what he says; I'm just aiming for the groin.
Somehow, I think we're going to win this battle...
Oh crap.
Some lousy Rohan peasant with arthritis just 'accidentally' fired an arrow, right when we're still at our non-violent stage. I call it the glaring stage, where the whole vibe is basically: 'slaughter us if you can you whiny little--'
I was really enjoying the view as well. Ah well, sooner is better than later. I think.
Quote Theoden: "so it begins"
At least the arrow killed an uruk.
Ah well. Must look to the bright side. Only 9,999 evil killing machines to go.
