Title: Past Death

Author: Goldy

Email: thegoldoneb_a@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: 'Ats' and 'BTVS' are in the very capable hands of DG, MN, and the WB. Did I say capable? I meant, no good, undeserving hands!

Spoilers: 'The Gift' as well as S6 and S5.

Synopsis: Buffy and Angel's drive home from their meeting. This is a sequel to 'Even Death.'

A/N: Since Shawn is making such a good series from her version of the crossover, I decided to do one to because there was so much left unresolved in 'Even Death.' Oh, and this one is from Angel's POV, which I've always had trouble with before so don't get mad if it's terrible.

Feedback: Let me know if you think this should be the last in my series (



"So, what are we going to do now?"

Buffy looked at me with wide and pleading eyes. I noticed that she was still trembling slightly, and I inwardly cursed anyone that did that to her. I brushed a piece of her blonder hair behind her ear and did my best to give her a reassuring smile.

"Can you manage going back to Sunnydale?"

Buffy gave a noticeable shiver that was different from the trembling that had been going on before. Then, she seemed to get a handle on herself and nodded bravely.

She took my hand and gave it a quick squeeze. "If you're with me, I'll be fine."

I nodded and led her out of that crappy motel room and out into the crappier night. I knew that we had both brought our own cars out to meet here, but by unspoken agreement, we took mine.

I was surprised when she didn't make any comments about the car that I drove, it just seemed like something that she would do. Then again, a lot has changed the woman that I still love. I'm not even sure if she fully realized that we were actually in a car.

My joy at having her back was just slightly over-shadowed by the fact that *she* didn't want to be back, and that wherever she had been, she had been happier. Everything in me rebelled in the injustice that had been served. Buffy was good. She was pure. She was sunlight. She had deserved the heaven that she had been given.

But then I remember that everything that I have ever done has been for Buffy. Half of me felt like screaming it out to the world that she was back, and another half felt guilty for being happy about her being back.

And that was really it. I'm selfish. I'm happy that she's back, and I don't care what she had to give up to be back.

And back to the guilty thing.

The only way that I had survived the months without her had been the knowledge that she was somewhere better. But there is no way that can be compared to the real thing. She may be a shell of her formal self, but she is Buffy, and I love her. And I hate the fact that if I knew what Willow had been planning, I wouldn't have tried too hard to stop it.

"I know what you're thinking," she said to me.

I gave a quick glance at her in surprise and she shrugged. "It's all over your face." Buffy gave a wry smile. "I like that I can still understand you."

I felt my heart breaking a little. She looked so lost and so little. When she looked like that I wanted to rip Willow and anyone that helped her to little pieces.

And I also felt like dancing, because she was *here* to look lost, alone, and scared.

"What do you mean?" I asked trying to keep a handle on my emotions. I can hide almost anything from anybody, but when you're friends are Cordelia and Wesley you don't have to try too hard. I forgot that Buffy could read me like a book if I let her.

"I mean, I'm glad that I still know you. I'm glad that even though it's been more than two years, I still have power over you."

I gave a quick glance at her in the rearview mirror. She didn't look quite as small and unprotected as a minute ago, but I still had this big urge in me to wrap her up and never let harm come to her. Buffy's always wanted someone to protect and take care of her, and I've always wanted to protect and take care of her. Of course, being the slayer, Buffy would never let someone shelter her, and I would never try.

Still, it gave me a weird kind of satisfaction to know that *I* was the only that could help her now.

"You never stopped having power over me," I answered truthfully.

"Even when I was dead?" she whispered, turning her head away from me.

Even though it only hurt me up more to hear her say that, I calmly steered the car off the road, and calmly turned on the breaks. I turned, so that I was facing her. She still wouldn't look at me, so I slid two fingers under her chin and forced her head around.

"*Especially* when you were dead." I pierced her with a heavy stare, daring her to argue.

Buffy's eyes got a little watery and she wrapped her arms around me. I pulled her to me and held on to her for dear life. I breathed in her scent, which hadn't changed at all. She still smelled like vanilla, flowers, and hope. She was so amazing and I thanked the gods for the millionth time that she was back. I think that the only reason that I managed to get through those long months without her was the fact that somewhere I knew that she would be back. I couldn't accept the fact that she was truly gone. If I had, I don't think I could have looked down that long road of immortal life without Buffy.

"Don't feel bad," Buffy whispered in my ear. "Be happy that I'm back. If someone had told me in heaven that I needed to come back here to save you, I would have done it without question."

I held her tighter and rained little kisses in her hair. She was the most beautiful creature that I had ever seen. She was Buffy.

She pulled back away from me a little and lay a finger on my lips. "And don't even think of leaving me again. There are more important things in life than, sex, kids, and sunlight. I'm just sorry that it took my death for us to realize that."

I nodded, not quite having the control to do much else.

She looked at me in fear. "You're *so* reassuring."

I traced the counters of her face, memorizing once again what she felt like under my fingertips. "You were the one who really left."

Her eyes softened and she gave me a sad look. "If you're beside me I won't ever be able to leave."

I wanted to protest and tell her that she was the slayer and she could die again at any moment. I wanted to tell her that the only way she would be safe would be if I locked her up and protected her from the outside world forever. I wanted to tell her that when she started to live again, my life started to have meaning again.

But the look on her face silenced me.

I *was* having trouble hiding my emotions. She knew what I was feeling and she could feel what I was going through. It gave me a thrill that she could still read me, just as she said she could.

"Protect me?" The blonde girl resting against me looked up with wide little girl eyes. The most feared warrior on this planet was begging *me* to keep her safe.

"Always," I promised with a quick kiss to her lips.

Buffy pulled away and curled back up in the passenger seat. I closed my eyes, not prepared for the loss of her warmth against me. I had steeled myself to accept that I would never be able to hold her again, even before she died. But now that I could, I didn't ever want to let go. Although, *someone* needed to drive us to Sunnydale.

The rest of the trip was made in silence, though, it wasn't an uncomfortable awkward silence. I could feel the love that we had for each other pulsing in the air, surrounding us. It touched me and helped remind me of what I was put on this Earth to do.

Recently I'd just been going through the steps of what was expected. When Cordy got a vision I'd go and kill the demon. Or I'd help a friend if they got into trouble. But I wasn't out there to help people. I no longer had a goal to reach. There was no ultimate reward down the road. Humanity didn't mean anything if Buffy wasn't there.

I wondered where her thoughts were, and for the first time I had absolutely no idea what she was thinking about. Was she regretting being here with me when she could be in heaven? Was she thinking about the friends that had betrayed her? It scared me that I didn't know. Living for 250 years made people an open book for me. Especially Buffy. Looking at her and not being able to read her was like waking up one day and realizing that your whole life was a lie.

This was just more disturbing.

When we passed the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign I decided I couldn't take it anymore. "What are you thinking about?" I asked carefully.

Buffy jumped a little at the sound of my voice. "It's not important," she said without giving anything away.

I concentrated on the road trying not to let anything that *I* was feeling show through. In the past when I asked her that question, I would always be able to tell whether she was angry, sad, or happy. Now, I had no idea what she was feeling. I couldn't help the nagging feeling that told me that I *should* know because if I didn't that meant that Buffy had changed since the last time I had seen her. That meant that being in heaven had taken a drastic change on her. And I didn't know if I could ever get her old self-back again.

"It's important to me," I finally answered.

She didn't say anything for a long time, and I was starting to think that she was either ignoring me or I had just dreamed up our short conversation. When we reached Revello Dr. she finally opened her mouth.

"I was thinking about mom."

I parked the car outside of her house but neither of us made any move to get out. I took her hand giving it a tight squeeze, silently telling her to continue.

"I remember less and less about heaven every day. I know that I was happy, but not much else. What if I never saw her there, Angel? What if I never told her how much I loved her? What if." she trailed off and stared at the house.

"What if, what?" I asked softly.

She squinted as if trying to catch on to a thought in her head. "What if I wasn't really in heaven? What if *this* is all part of it? What *is* life?"

Confusion marred her face and I wished that there were something I could say to make it better. But this was something that I had never had to deal with in my long 200+ years of existence. I often wondered where my soul had been at the times that it wasn't with me. I don't have any memories of heaven, and the only memories I have of hell were when I had physically been there.

"There isn't any answer to that question, Buffy. I don't know what life is. I don't think anyone knows what it is. But it is real. *This* is real. I'm real, and I know that you're here. You're about as real as they come."

I was rewarded with a smile. A brilliant Buffy smile. A smile that took all my strength not to grin back at. It made my heart leap with joy at seeing that smile. The last time I had seen her smile like that was on a cold November day two years ago.

A day that never happened.

I realized that if all it took for me to get joy was to see Buffy smile, then I was heading into very dangerous territory. Although, when it comes to Buffy, my soul is always in trouble.

"Thank you," I said, gazing at her in wonder.

She shifted uncomfortably under my gaze, "For what?"

"For being you."

Buffy gave another smile, but this one was tinged with sadness. "Why do you always say the right things?"

I looked away from her. "I don't always. I've said a lot of not right things. To Cordy, Wes, Gunn,. you."

Buffy took my hand and held it up to her cheek, caressing my palm with the tips of her fingers. It was a move that I found *very* distracting. "I wouldn't take back anything that you have *ever* said to me."

I licked my lips, which were suddenly very dry. Without thinking I laced my fingers behind her head, bringing her closer. And closer. Closer, until I was rewarded with the feel of her lips against mine.

She groaned and I could feel her soft, sweet hands on my face and through my hair, touching, feeling, and reclaiming.

God she tasted so good. I was like a starving man, drowning, needing to hold on to her to survive. I had spent long months wondering if I would ever be able to touch her like this again. Her lips were soft, and her tongue was gently probing, sending my whole world spinning. She was like vanilla and honeysuckle. She made me soar and feel whole. Alive. She was my sunlight and moonlight all at once.

She was Buffy.

She was Buffy and I was kissing her, and the whole world could have gone to hell in that moment. And I hated it because I knew that I would have to pull back. I knew that all I wanted was to surrender myself to her warmth. It is too easy for me to lose myself in Buffy Anne Summers.

So, I pulled away.

I rested my forehead against hers. Both of us were breathing hard. She, from lack of air, and myself, in the fight for control. I could feel her breath against my face and neck, tickling my skin, slowly driving me out of my mind. I closed my eyes and fought for the control that always seemed to dissipate every time I was around her.

"It's going to be hard." Buffy warned in a hoarse whisper.

"I know," I said softly, hating to break the peace.

"Everything has changed, and, yet, it's all the same."

"We'll get through it."

"It isn't that easy."

"Shhh, it's okay, love. We'll find a way."

Buffy ran her fingers through my hair, another move that tested my amazing self-control. "Aren't you supposed to be the one that never has any faith in our relationship?"

"I told you, I can't let you go again."

"I'm glad."

"We have a lot of healing to do, but-"

"We'll do it together," Buffy finished.

I nodded. "Together."

Buffy leaned against me, fitting her head under my chin as if we were made to go together that way. She looked wearily at her house. "Do I have to go in?"

I pressed a kiss to the top of her head. I wished that there was some way to make all the pain go away for her. She has been through too much for one little girl. And all I could do was be there for her when she needed it. "Yes."

She turned around so that she was gazing deeply into my eyes rather than at her house. "Let's go away together. Far away. We could go to Australia. Live out on the desert, you could sleep all day and hunt for us at night. I could cook the food and keep the house warm."

I ran my fingers up and down her arm and gave a little inward smirk when she gave a little shiver. I loved how she was so responsive to my touch. "Or we could go live in New Guinea by the ocean in a little hut. Instead of hunting, I could fish and we could cook it over a fire on the beach with the other natives."

Buffy smiled dreamily and snuggled down against me. "Jamaica. We could hula dance on the beach and pick coconuts. We could sunbathe in the hot sun and jump in the water when it got too hot."

"Well, I'd be a big pile of dust."

"No. You would be human. And I wouldn't be the slayer. We'd just be too regular Smo Joe's, living boring lives, and sunbathing on the beach."

In that moment I almost told her about my shanshu prophecy. The need to tell her that one day we might be able to do that was strong. I wanted to promise to take her to Jamaica and sunbathe on the beach until we both got sun cancer. But I couldn't. Because if there was one thing that I learned since she died, it was that our futures are uncertain. I can't make a promise to her if I knew I might not be able to keep it.

Buffy fiddled with the buttons of my shirt. "What would you look like in a bathing suit?"

I gave a little chuckle. "That is something that you are *never* going to know." She gave me a delicious pout that just screamed "kiss me!" So, I did.

Damn, we really are going to have to do something about my curse.

When I found that self- control that I seem to be lacking as of late, I pulled away regarding Buffy worriedly. "So, how powerful is Willow *exactly*?"

Buffy gave me an evil look, "Pretty powerful."

"Pretty powerful?"

"Powerful enough to raise the dead, apparently."

"So, you're saying that she might be powerful enough to fix a gypsy curse?"

Buffy regarded me heavily for a moment and then lumbered out of the car. I stared at her retreating back in surprise, wondering what I had said wrong. I watched her lean tiredly against the passenger door, arms folded in concentration over her chest, eyes riveted on her door.

I opened my door and came and stood next to her. Without a word Buffy took my hand and gave it a tight squeeze.

"She's powerful enough to fix a gypsy curse."

I gave Buffy a quick glance, who still seemed so riveted by her house that I was beginning to wonder if she had really talked at all.

"She's lives in my home, she's taking care of my sister, and she took me away from the only true place I've been happy."

"And she's your best friend," I finished heavily.

Buffy narrowed her eyes, "That's what people tell me."

"She only brought you back because of how much she cares about you."

Buffy dropped my hand like it had burned her and whirled on me. "How much she cares about me? If she cared at all, she would know that she had to go on without me! They brought me back because they were selfish. Not because they cared about me."

"Buffy, you know that isn't true-"

"NO! I don't know if that isn't true! I don't know what's true and what isn't! I don't know anything!"

With a cry of despair, Buffy collapsed against me, sobbing. I held her tightly, feeling an incredible urge to kill something, but only rocking her and making shushing noises until she had calmed.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, "I didn't mean to take that out on you."

I placed a gentle kiss to the top of her head. "Don't be. I know it's hard."

Buffy snuggled deeply against me. "I'm so glad that I have you."

I closed my eyes and inhaled her scent, trying hard not to think about the long months that I had been forced to spend without her. "If your friends felt even a tenth of what I felt at seeing you alive, then they care about you."

Buffy closed her eyes. "I know."

"We need to go in there."

"I know."

Neither of us moved.

END

A/N: Hehe, always wanted to do a cliffhanger (. But, geez, now I gotta figure out how to start the next one.