Title: No more Death

Author: Goldy

Email: thegoldoneb_a@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: Joss owns all. I own nothing.

Synopsis: More angst and woe! What fun!

A/N: From Buffy's POV again

Dedication: To Jennem for being so supportive, and to all other B/Aers out there. I know times are tough, but keep the faith!

Rating: PG

Angel's soul. Angel's soul is going to be bound. No more Angelus. Ever. Finito. Gone. He's always going to be Angel and I. I can be with him. In the way that has haunted my dreams for three years.

I glance over at him, quickly, hoping that he doesn't notice. But he does. Of course he does. He always does. He's always aware of me. He even said that he felt something go through him when I died, and that when he saw Willow. he just knew.

Angel smiles at me. Reassuring. Ready to be comfort guy at any notice, like he's always been so good at. I smile back. And I know, in that moment, that everything will be okay. We've been given a gift that most people never get. We've been given a second chance, and neither of us are going to let it go.

We walk back to the house slowly, despite the coming sunrise. Our hands are joined tightly together, so tight that I'm afraid that I might be crushing some of his bones. But he doesn't mind, and he's holding my hand just as tightly.

I have a bittersweet memory of a year when we were afraid to do anything more than holding hands, for fear that the moment would get out of hand. Now, it soon won't matter. Angel told me that he was afraid of Willow and her magic, but I think that the only thing to be afraid of would be not taking this chance.

Our second chance.

Or, possibly, our third or fourth chance. It doesn't really matter. Just as long as it's here. We're on my street again and I wonder if we'll stay outside the house, staring as long as we did last time. Of course, if we took that long, Angel would end up being brought inside in a dustpan.

I can see the first light on the horizon and so I boldly walk up to the door. My door. It's *my* door. *My* house.

And it will feel so good to get rid of it.

Angel leads me inside, never letting go of my hand. As soon as we pass the threshold, we're met with angry glances and questioning eyes. I let out a snort. Right. My house. Biggest joke of the year.

"What have you guys been doing???" Xander demands. I don't even glance at him. Of all my friends, he's the one that has changed the least. Right now, I'm not sure whether or not this is a good thing. Although, I suppose that it doesn't really matter. Most of my friends are like strangers to me.

But I still love them.

I survey the room tiredly. Willow and Dawn are sitting on the couch, and Dawn is asleep against Willow's shoulder. I feel a pang in my stomach. Dawn shouldn't be up. She should be asleep dreaming about boys. She shouldn't have to deal with things like dead sisters, and their equally dead boyfriends.

Tara is propped up against Willow's knees on the floor, eyes fluttering. I look around for Giles, since he is the only one that I'm not afraid to be around. I'm surprised to see him in a corner talking to. Anya???

I blink a couple of times in rapid succession, hoping that my eyes are deceiving me. But no. They are still in the corner. They are still talking in the corner. Anya *and* Giles are having a serious conversation in the corner of my living room.

I look at Angel questioningly. He raises his eyebrows at me. I sigh. Men. Jeez, could my distress at seeing Giles and Anya talking be any more obvious??? I roll my eyes, and decide that this situation cannot go on any longer. When Giles starts having conversations with ex-demons, than you *know* something seriously bad has happened.

I stomp right up to Xander so I'm looking right into his face. "We've been screwing each other in a mud puddle, Xander. *What* *else* could we *possibly* be doing?" Xander nervously took a step back. Good. People can still give me respect when I want it. "I appreciate you coming up with the idea of bounding Angel's soul, but DON'T EVER OPEN YOUR MOUTH TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN WITHOUT THINKING FIRST!!!"

Xander opens his mouth to protest, but I cut him off by holding up one hand and shooting him a glare. He wisely closes his mouth and shuts up. I nod, satisfied thus far. But I'm not done yet. I walk over to where Dawn and Willow are sitting. "DAWN SUMMERS!!!" I yell so load that she springs awake, jumping so high that she nearly lands on the ceiling. "Why aren't you in bed? Do you have *any* idea what time it is? I'd of thought you would be old enough to put your own self to bed!"

"But, Buffy. I."

"BED! NOW!" Behold my success, Dawn bolts up the stairs, although, not without sending me a 'I'm going to go up and pout for hours' glare. Quite frankly, I don't care. She shouldn't be up at this time of night-morning.

Willow tries next. "Buffy, I realize that Dawn shouldn't be up at this time. but don't you think that these are special circumstances?"

I snort. "This is Sunnydale. There are *always* special circumstances."

She stands up now. Oh, right, like that will make me see her point better. "Buffy. that isn't fair! You know that this can't be easy on Dawn!"

I bite my lip to keep from laughing. Right. *This* isn't easy on Dawn. Finding out that she was the key wasn't easy on Dawn. Losing her mother and her sister within four months wasn't easy on Dawn. Dealing with my shit. is *me* dealing with my shit.

"Get out," I finally say. Willow looks shocked. Fine. I don't care. "Get out of my house," I repeat when she still doesn't move. Willow blinks back tears, and I feel no guilt. Maybe later I will, but not now. Now, she needs to go.

"Buffy." she croaks out finally.

"What? You think you can say you'll bind Angel's soul and everything will be all fine and dandy? News flash, Will: it doesn't work that way."

Xander steps forward. "You seemed pretty forgiving when she first told you about it."

I whirl on him. "Didn't I tell you to think before you talk?"

Xander gives a small snort. "I don't think I'm the only one that needs to think before they talk. Why don't I get some cheap shots in a Willow since I'm here? You know, just like you're hurting her and all."

"Xander. Shut. Your. Mouth. You don't know what hurting is, Xander. Next time you get ripped out of heaven, come and talk to me."

He actually dares to take a step closer to me. "Fine, Buffy, you were in heaven. I get that. It was painful, blah, blah, blah, but GET OVER IT!!!"

I don't want to let it, but they cut. His words cut deep. I hate my friends, and all that they did to me, but I love them so much and only want their approval. understanding. And they hurt. And I don't show it. I can't. By showing it, I won't be able to be strong. and being strong is all I have left to hold on to.

And then Angel moves supportingly behind me and I realize that being strong is no longer the *only* thing I have to hold on to.

New strength flows through me. I stand my ground against Xander, never letting the hurt show, never letting the human out. I leave the slayer, standing tall, erect, and firm. He shrinks back and I don't even have to say anything. Satisfied, I turn back to Willow.

All attention is on me. Tara is standing beside Willow and Giles and Anya are watching me guardedly from their place across the room. "Why are you still here?"

Tara raises her chin, "Buffy, this is madness! Don't be this way."

I glare at her. "Be what way?" I ask sweetly. Daring her to argue with me.

But she doesn't. Something makes her turn away. Maybe it's the dangerous gleam in my eyes, or my ridged, posed for a strike position, or maybe she saw that I was finally Buffy again and that I needed to do this. Whatever it was, it made her turn. "Willow, let's go."

Willow looks at me helplessly. Then, when she knows that nothing is going to make me change my mind, she looks over my shoulder. At Angel. "Please.." she begs.

I feel myself stiffen and I curse inwardly. Damn it. No emotion. Must be strong. No emotions. I turn slowly, facing him. My strength, my love, my life. If he told me to stop this insanity and apologize to Willow I know that I would. And he knows I would. And he's hesitating, which means he's thinking about telling me to do just that.

"Yeah, Angel," I spit, saucily. "Please. why don't you tell me to get over myself, too?"

Angel regards me guardedly, stoically. Not giving anything away, not letting his emotions command him, like they do over me. Never taking his eyes off me he says, "Willow. I think that it would be best if you left. Xander, too."

I regard him through heavy lids. Finally, I nod my approval and turn back to Willow and Tara who are making their way out the door. I give a fleeting thought to where they might go, but then realize that I don't really care. It will probably be Xander's anyway.

Xander looks at Anya, who is still standing next to Giles. And that is *still* creeping me out. "Honey, I'm thinking that Buffy doesn't want you around either."

Anya snorts. "Just wait till she finds out that Giles is going back to England."

Xander's eyebrows tick to me in a daring glance, before he runs across the room and grabs Anya. He drags her out the door and I realize that I'm finally back in charge of my own home. Giles looks at me guiltily and I smile thinly. He has nothing to feel guilty about. Really, he doesn't. Why should I care if he goes back to England?

"Buffy.." He says taking a step closer.

"What?"

"I think that now that you and Angel are going to be. living together, there isn't any reason for me to stick around. You're a grown women, and you can take care of yourself as your proved tonight."

I shrug. "You don't have to make excuses. Go back to stinky England. See what I care."

"Buffy," Giles sighs, "I have so much faith in you."

I feel my legs get wobbly so I sit. That's funny, now I notice that they're shaking a little, too. I wonder why. "I know." Giles looks at me in worry and I don't know why. Cautiously he approaches the couch as if he's afraid to sit down next to me. "Just sit already!" I snap finally.

Giles gives a thin smile, "Are you going to kick me out?"

Despite a soul-deep hurt I manage to give a little chuckle. "I'm not planning on it."

Giles sits.

"When?" I ask.

"Hmmm?"

"When are you going to leave?"

Giles looks away. "As soon as I can get a flight."

"Oh."

"Buffy, I'm sorry."

I hold up my hand. "Don't. You wanna leave me? Fine. Leave me. It's a popular thing to do."

Giles flinches. "Buffy, that is isn't true. You. you are like a daughter to me."

"Then stay." I beg. I don't mean to, and I don't know how it happened. I can hear the pain in my words, and it sounds so foreign to my ears. Who is this girl? What am I saying?

"I can't," Giles gulps.

I look down. The floor. Spinning. Rocking out of control. Nothing is here, everything is there. "No one can."

I feel Gile's hand on my shoulder. And then he pulls me. A hug. He is hugging me. And then he is gone. I don't know where, but he isn't here. Nothing is here. I am alone.

Control. Spinning. Breaking. No control.

The first tears come. Coming from my eyes, quickly, burning, hot, salty. There is a hand. I flinch and move away. What is a hand doing here? Nothing is here. Everything has left me.

The sobs come hiccuping out of me, exploding like a volcano waiting for 100 years. More pulling. A chest. Cool hands, stroking me, calming me. Comforting words in my ear. Kisses in my hair. Safety.

"Angel, Angel, Angel, Angel." I sob incessantly, incoherently, but knowing he was here.

"Shhh," he murmurs, like a cool wind in my ear.

I sob harder. Somehow knowing he is here and he cares. makes it more painful. The harsh words I said to him before come back to me, and I'm sorry. But I can't tell him because I'm babbling, and the tears won't stop. And the words get stuck in my throat. I want to tell him that I love him, and that I need him more than I need anything in this world, that he *is* my world, but the words get stuck in my throat.

Then, he is lifting me and I'm moving. Gently, he lowers me on a bed. My bed. In *my* house. The house that I've just reclaimed. Somehow that thought doesn't help, but the tears slow anyway. Maybe they slow because I realize I have nothing left. Nothing left to cry for. Empty.

Or maybe it's because of the man tending to me. Wiping my nose and eyes, holding me, whispering to me. Loving me.

Slowly I relax, and my sobs fade to gentle hiccuping. He holds me pressed tightly against him, and, still, I can't find the words to tell him all that I feel. I don't even think there are words to describe what he is to me.

"Sleep," he whispers to me.

His words remind me of my heavy and crusty eyelids, and the fact that I've been awake the whole night. I can feel the darkness pressing down on me, calling for the sweet release of sleep. But I can't. I need to tell him.

"Angel." I manage to croak out.

He looks at me expectant. "I."my throat clogs over with fresh tears. "I need.."

Angel wraps his arms around me, holding me so tight that I can barely breathe. But I'm so happy to drown in him, safe and protected. "I'm right here," he reassures me quickly. "I won't leave."

It's enough for now. I close my eyes and let sleep claim me, falling into its steady rhythm.

****

Pictures that don't make any sense, and that I won't ever remember go by me, eventually leading me to one place. A long river, rushing and flowing over it's bank, bursting with life. I follow it. The river is long, but I follow, knowing that what's at the end is well worth the wait. Finally, after long winding paths and sharp turns it leaves me at a hill. I walk up the hill slowly, enjoying the grass under my feet and the night air around me.

The hill keeps getting longer, and soon it is a small mountain. I hurry, I don't want to miss what's at the top. But the paths are tricky and the terrain is ruff, and I push on. I can see the top, just out of reach and I start running, knowing that it's almost here.

I can see it now. A dark shadow, blending in with the night and surrounding darkness. I'm so close. My feet hurt from sharp twigs and stick, and my legs ache with the force of my run, but soon none of that will matter.

And then I make it.

I look at the dark shadow, blending in so well with the night. "I know you're here."

"It's almost time," it answers.

I look at the sky; the moon and the stars that dot the horizon start to fade. "I know."

The first rays of light creep its way over the valley. I see the beginnings of the river that I followed, sparkling and dancing in the sun's hot rays. Tree's and flowers are revealed, the green lighting up the valley so far below me. Colours of pink and purple etch their way across the sky, and I sigh in happiness.

Warm arms wrap around me, and I lean back. "It's beautiful," he whispers in my ear in awe.

I press my ear over his heart. I can feel the steady beat echoing in my ear and reverberating through my body. I can feel his soul, tied closely to mine, and I know that we are bonded together for eternity.

"No. It's heaven."

****

Back in my room, a smile touches my features, and for however brief a period, I know true happiness again.

****

My eyes flutter open, and they land on his angelic face, still deep in the throws of sleep. My dream comes back to me and I can't help but wonder if he got to experience it, too. I hope he does, because if by any small chance, it's foretelling the future then he deserves to know.

I stretch, being as quiet as possible, so I don't wake the sleeping vampire curled next to me. I feel the dried salt of tears clinging to my cheeks, and I frown, already worried about Angel seeing me like this. Of course, after what he saw last night, I don't think that there is much I can do to scare him away.

My thoughts return to the dream. If this is the powers way of keeping me sane, than it is a very cruel thing to do. Just the thought that Angel and I might be able to experience that is enough to make me want to get out of bed in the morning. If I have that to look forward to in life, than it makes it worth living again.

Angel stirs next to me and I smile fondly, feeling better than I have in a long time. I know that there is going to be hell to pay when I try and reconcile with my friends, but for now I feel cleansed and I'm happy to bask in that glow. Maybe I was a little over the top last night, but.. I needed to do that. I'm tired of people running my life for me.

I feel a quick pang when I remember the words that I said to them. It will be hard asking for forgiveness, but first I'm going to have to fully forgive them for bringing me back. Angel's eyes flutter open and land on me, smiling lazily.

Maybe it won't be too hard to forgive them, after all.

I smile cautiously, remembering my own behavior towards Angel. "Angel, about last night.. I."

Angel puts a finger to my lips, stopping my apology. He pulls me against him, and I go, eagerly seeking the comfort that only his arms hold for me. "Why don't we just start with good morning?"

I glance at the clock. "Good evening."

He smiles thinly. "Fair enough."

Suddenly, I spring up. "Dawn!" I shriek, "I never sent her to school!"

"Relax," Angel says calmly, "it's the weekend."

"Oh. Right." I mutter sheepishly, leaning down into his embrace again. "Although, I should be up taking care of her. I threw out Willow last night for telling me how to look after Dawn, and here I am, not even looking after her."

"You needed your sleep." Angel states simply, "Besides I checked on her a little while ago. She was just getting up, and I think she's down watching TV."

I sigh, thinking about how Angel was the one comforting me again. "About last night. I'm really sorry."

"You don't have anything to apologize for, Buffy."

"I do. I shouldn't have lost it like that.. I shouldn't have taken it out on you and let you pick up the pieces."

Angel regards me seriously. "You don't have to apologize to me," he says firmly.

I nod, believing him. Angel was always really good at forgiving me. I can't even count the amount of times that I've taken my problems out on him. I close my eyes, also knowing, once again, what it feels like to be loved by someone unconditionally.

"Do you think my friends will ever forgive me?" I ask, weakly.

"Can you forgive them?"

"Hey! No fair answering my question with a question!" Angel just looks at me, and I groan, thinking about how he had just echoed my own thoughts. "I can forgive them."

Angel nods. "You have your answer."

I sigh, painfully. "Yeah, I guess I do. Do you think they'll still bind your soul?"

"I think they'd do anything you asked them to," Angel answers wisely.

I'm quiet. The powers certainly did a good job with their dream. Amazing how different the world looks. I slide off the bed, and give Angel a quick kiss. "Shower time."

He gives me a longing look, and I try not to think about what shower could imply if he had his soul bound. "I'll make breakfast. dinner," he offers.

"Fine by me."

****

The shower feels good. I turn the water up so that it is as hot as I can take it. I know that my skin is turning red from the heat, but I like it. It helps me sort out the thoughts in my head.

Sleep was good. I needed it, but I'm still in a whirl of confusion. Life is still spinning out around me, but for the first time since I was brought back, I realize that I'm finally in control. I can't even remember the last time I was in control of my own life. No, that's not true. The last time I had control was before Angel left me.

I dry my hair carefully, and I'm sure to take some time doing hair and makeup. Despite everything that has happened, I still want Angel's eyes to light up when he sees me. Weird how some people's minds work when they're in the middle of an identity crisis.

I can smell different scents wafting up the stairs, and I'm sure that it's from the cooking job that Angel is doing in the kitchen. For someone who doesn't eat, he's always had plenty of culinary skills.

I can hear the TV going in the living room and I give a thin smile, figuring that I should start by apologizing to my little sis. "Dawn," I say, and then freeze when I enter the room.

Huddled on the couch Dawn sits, right in between Xander, Anya, Willow, and Tara. I stare at them in horror, not sure what to do. Should I apologize? Or yell at them for coming back? Were they here to yell at me?

Angel appears beside me, and I feel a scream catch in my throat. I know that I'm close to losing it again, and that's the last thing that I want to do. He slips my hand in his and gives it a gentle squeeze, instantly calming me. "Hear them out," he whispers in my ear.

I give a thin smile, holding on to my sanity for all I'm worth. I look at the group wearily. "Hi."

Xander and Willow look at me guiltily. "Look, Buffy," Xander starts, "we're here to. to-"

"Apologize," Willow finishes, quietly.

Tara nods. "We're sorry about last night. We should have left as soon as we realized where you'd been."

"I'm sorry that I told you Giles was leaving," Anya adds.

"Buffy, we're here for you," Xander continues, "and I know I said some things last night that I'm not particularly proud of, but. I couldn't be happier that you're back."

"Me, too. And I still want to do anything I can to bound Angel's soul if you still want it," Willow says.

I feel tears brimming in my eyes again, and I mentally curse them. "Thanks guys," I manage despite the lump in my throat. "I'm sorry, too. I didn't have any right to say any of those things."

Xander shook his head. "No, you totally had the right."

I sniffle and let out a pathetic chuckle. So much for wanting to look good. "I didn't really mean it."

I hear a chorus of, "We know! And we forgive you!"

Finally, Dawn stands up and glares at all of us. "Just hug already!"

My friends and I look at each other and give a little laugh. Xander opens up his arms and says, "Come here!"

I sigh and accept the invitation. Willow, Tara, Dawn, and Anya, join in thoroughly crushing my ribs, but it feels good to know that I have so much to live for. I meet Angel's eyes over the tops of everyone's heads, and I'm sad to see that he is standing alone. He gives me a sad smile, and I duck out of everyone's arms so I can walk over him.

"You don't have to." he protests, but I throw myself at him, and he holds me without any more complaints.

I smile, finally feeling as if things were starting to get back on track. Giles is still missing, and I know that I'm going to have to say good-bye to him, and Dawn and I still need to pack, but life is. good. And it's all because of one person.

I look up at him, not missing the way he was gazing at me in pure devotion. "I love you," I murmur, "nothing will ever change that."

END. for now *g*