The Matrix Reconstituted Part 5 (Oh when will it stop)

Hi guys. Just thought that since the author managed to stupidly knock herself out with a 16 tonne weight, I ought to keep this story going. In her memory, y'know? Anyway, here goes The Matrix Reconstituted Chapter Five Neo style...

"Hey, what am I doing in here?" the author asked, confused.

"I took over while you were unconscious and put you in the story. HA!" Neo replied.

I'm not really sure what to do now. I guess I could write about how the war ends quickly with nobody dying and Trinity and I living happily ever after but that would be kind of boring. And I wouldn't get to have any fun.

Suddenly Trinity found herself na...AAAAAGGHH!

Thank you Neo, that was lovely but now you are back in the story and everything can go back to normal. Luckily I kicked Neo's ass before he had time to write anything that we don't want to see. Please forget that anything in this chapter happened and everything should resume normally.
And yeah, I did kick Neo's ass. It's great playing God.

"How did you kick my ass when I was the author at the time?" Neo asked.

"That's for me to know and you to never find out," the author replied.

"Okay...this bit of the chapter sucks," Neo pointed out.

"I agree entirely. Let's move on."

* * *


"Everybody, come here," Morpheus called Trinity and Ted. They had been wandering around the town separately to explore the area more quickly. Morpheus had wandered the few streets. Trinity had looked around a few buildings. Ted went straight to the saloon.

"Now, everyone. The time has come for action. The time has come for us to find a way out of this predicament. The time has come..."

As Morpheus spoke, Ted whispered to Trinity.

"What is he talking about?"

"He likes making big, potent speeches to build up to the action," Trinity whispered back.

"...the time has come for us to buy beers."

"Excellent action!" Ted grinned and led them all to the saloon.

They proceeded to the saloon, and there was much rejoicing.

* * *


Bill wandered around the matrix alone. He had no idea where he was and he was sure that Neo wasn't Ted. Or that Ted wasn't Neo. Or whichever way it's supposed to be. Let's rephrase that: He was sure that his previous companion had not been Ted, but now that strange Ted lookalike was the only person he knew in the area.

Ted must have taken the phonebooth to get the report done on time. It would have been most triumphant if he could have found me first though.

"I guess I should go and look for him again," Bill said to himself.

Bill went straight to the bar and there was much rejoicing.

* * *


Neo was confused. Tank wasn't answering, Morpheus and Trinity were missing, the weird blond kid had run away when he backed into Agent Smith, and everything else was getting more stupid by the minute. He proceeded to the bar and there was much rejoicing.

At this point it must be said that the rejoicing had nothing to do with any of the central characters. However, in a place where there is alcohol in abundance, there is inevitably going to be rejoicing from many people. Neo, Bill, Morpheus, Trinity and Ted would not rejoice in their current situations. That would just be silly.

Ecky ecky ecky ecky pikang zoop boing goodem zoo owli zhiv.

And of course that wasn't silly at all.

* * *


Tank and the sentinels stopped playing Rock, Paper, Scissors because it got boring after a while. They wandered the ship looking for something to do. Tank was shocked to find a room that he had never even seen before. Morpheus hadn't mentioned it, not once. Tank entered to find Morpheus' secret stash of Vodka. They took the Vodka, and there was much rejoicing. And this time it was actually Tank and the sentinels rejoicing, because obviously there was nobody else on the ship at this point.

* * *


"Hey, Neo...oopsy." Trinity fell off her seat.

"Actually, I'm Ted...woah, this beer is excellent...what were you gonna say?"

Trinity staggered to her feet and giggled. "How are we going to get back to the matrix?"

"Uh...I guess we go back to the phone booth. But I dunno the...what was it?" He burped loudly.

"Oh, Ted!" Trinity mock frowned, then giggled again.

"If the phone booth is the only way back to the matrix, we must proceed to the phone booth at once. We still need to find the real Neo." Morpheus remained as emotionless and unaffected as ever, much to everyone's surprise.

"Yup, phone boothy, here we come!" Trinity stood up and stumbled. She tripped over Ted's foot and giggled again. Ted grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to her feet. He put his arm around her.

"Get away from me, kid."

He obeyed Trinity.

* * *


Neo realised that he was in the same bar as the weird blond kid. He sat down next to him, as he was utterly alone and wanted some company, no matter how juvenile.

"Hey, dude!"

Had Neo been sober, he would have stood up and left. But he wasn't.

"Did I ever tell you about that time when I was car sick?" Neo asked Bill.

"No. Sounds bogus, dude. What happened?" Bill asked sympathetically.

"Well, a long time ago, when I was 9, me and my Mom were hitch hiking down a loooong and lonesome road. You get me?

"Yeah dude, a looooong lonesome road."

"No, not looooong, it was loooong. You had too many O's in that."

"Oh, sorry dude."

"All of a sudden, there shined a shiny demon, in the middle of the road."

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"What did you do?"

"My mom gave it ten bucks and it gave us a ride to Phoenix."

"Oh. Then what happened?"

"That's it."

There was silence.

"I thought you were gonna tell me about the time you got car sick?" Bill was confused.

"I don't get car sick."

"Oh."

* * *


Trinity and Ted stumbled towards the phone booth. Morpheus walked ahead.

"Did I ever tell you about the really weird thing that happened to me when I was 9?" Ted asked Trinity.

"No. And you're not going to now either."

"Okay." Ted was beginning to think that Trinity didn't like him very much.

They were staggering very slowly so Morpheus grabbed them both by the arms and dragged them along with him. After a while they saw the sharp, strong shape of the phone booth ahead of them. They were filled with joy at the sight of such a modern object and hurried to it, tripping over many times before they reached it. Morpheus continued to walk with an air of dignity. They entered the phone booth and shut the door.

"What happens now?" Morpheus looked expectantly at Ted.

"Well, now I'm supposed to dial the right number."

They stood in silence for a while.

"Why don't you dial the number?" Trinity was losing her patience.

"Well, that's the thing. I tried to tell you earlier, but I don't actually know what the number is."

"Bogus, dude."

Ted and Trinity looked at Morpheus, utterly shocked.

"Did you just say...?" Trinity began.

"Shut up Trinity. Ted, why don't you look it up in the phone book?" Morpheus questioned.

"Oh yeah, excellent..." Ted hiccoughed before he could finish his sentence. He picked up the phone book and flicked through the pages.

"Uh...what exactly am I looking up?" Ted asked Morpheus.

"Look for the matrix."

"What is the matrix?"

"Oh please, do we have to do this now?" Trinity rolled her eyes.

"Just let me do it." Morpheus grabbed the book from Ted but couldn't find the number for the matrix. He looked at the very back and found it under an "unreachable" list. He dialled the number and they found themselves travelling through the strange network of wires and tunnels. They soon arrived in the matrix.

* * *


After using up Morpheus' secret Vodka stash, the sentinels became bored. They thanked Tank for inviting them and promised that they would not attack the ship in future. They soon left. Tank cleared up the mess of broken bottles so that Morpheus could never find out. He turned the music off and went back to playing Solitaire.

* * *


"...and I says to Mabel, I says..." Neo was enjoying his drunken conversation with Bill but Bill was looking at his watch.

"Ah, sorry dude, but I have to...um...I have to go and...uh...do my laundry. Yeah. So bye." Bill left as quickly as possible.

As Bill walked outside he saw Ted, Trinity and Morpheus walking in the opposite direction.

"HEEEEEEYYY! TED! DUDE! IT'S ME!" he yelled after them. Ted turned around and ran towards his friend.

"Bill! What happened?" Ted asked.

"It was all totally bodacious!" They grinned inanely at each other.

"Shouldn't we go and get our report done?" Ted suggested.

"Yeah, I guess so. Bye guys!" Bill waved at Trinity and Morpheus before walking towards the phone booth.

"Ted, wait." Trinity grabbed his arm and looked into his eyes. "Ted..."

"Yeah?"

"...Do you know where Neo is?"

Ted's gaze dropped to the floor when she said this.

"He's in that bar over there." Bill pointed to where he had just come from.

"Thank you." Trinity ran off to the bar.

Bill and Ted stepped into the phone booth and departed the matrix forever.

* * *


Neo was sitting on his own attempting to shout a bad joke at a passerby. Trinity ran into the bar and stopped. She turned around, searching for him. Their eyes met.

"Neo! Where have you been?" She ran to him.

"I dunno if you noticed, but I'm a teensy weensy bit drunk. Did I tell you about the weird thing that happened to me when I was nine?" Neo giggled.

Trinity stared at him.

"Y'know, I'm sure Ted said..."

Neo stood up and hugged her for no apparent reason.

Morpheus entered at that moment, having walked very slowly to give them time to talk.

"I'm calling Tank now," he said. He picked up his cell phone and called Tank.

"Operator."

"Hi Tank. We need an exit," Morpheus informed him.

"Okay, one exit coming right...wait a minute..."

Tank stared at the screen. A sign had just appeared before his eyes.

Neo stared at the ceiling. He looked away. He then looked at the ceiling again.

"Oh, déjà vu."

"What?" Trinity looked at him in alarm.

"What did you see, Neo?" Morpheus asked quickly.

"I looked at the ceiling, and I saw the ceiling. Then when I looked again, I saw exactly the same ceiling."

"Tank, get us out of here fast!" Morpheus ordered.

"Well, actually this glitch is a pretty big one," Tank said quietly.

"What do you mean? What's happened?" Morpheus' concern was mounting.

Tank read and re-read the sign on the screen. It said:
THIS PROGRAM HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND WILL BE SHUT DOWN

Tank noticed that the connection was severed.

"Oh my God..." Tank continued to stare at the screen.