A/N: thanks for reviewing. I can't tell you how long this is going to be or anything – I have absolutely NOTHING planned for this story :D it's just coming straight from my fingers. So thank them if you're enjoying this, don't thank me!! Oh, and by the way, I have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what Pansy's supposed to look like, except she was supposed to be rather short and fat (?) so I've basically made up her image. If anyone has a real big problem with that, then email me what she's supposed to look like, but I'm sure no one will care AT ALL so read on!
Mistal:Abyss, Water Fairy – yes, I am RATHER eeeevel, aren't I? MWAHAHA! Well here's the next chapter to end my evilness.
Molpops – of course it's short – IT'S A SHORT STORY! Doy!!
Twiglet – yeah, I agree with you about what you said about balance. Exactly. And know, it was a great review, I love hearing what people think of my story, in whatever ways!! (hope this gives you a buzz ;) )
Totaloser – lol, did I say madam pomfrey? Oh, so I did. Lol. Will change that as soon as fanfiction stops messing around and lets me sign in!
GhostOfTheRobot – yeah, I think depressing things are "awesome" as you would put it! Sad, yes, but that doesn't mean you don't enjoy reading it, does it?!
One-Winged Angel – you've reviewed my other stuff haven't you? I'm sure I recognise your name…well, even if you haven't, thanks for reviewing this!
Treachery89 – wow, capitals? I'm flattered! Hope this chapter keeps you hanging on as well. :)
A/N: (again, lol – and this time AFTER I've written the chapter!) I think this chapter's mainly about Draco having a kind of split personality. He's always arguing with himself, always unsure, always conflicted about things. On the outside, he seems like a confident, arrogant prick, but he's only human. Just like everyone else. He only pretends to be sp sure of himself. Please tell me what you think of all this in your reviews. ~rowanx
Chapter four – Conflicted
I ignore the fact that I have a class next. I turn around and walk out of Hogwarts.
"I would have slashed at what you obviously hate most…"
I stand on the steps and look out along the grounds. You can see a lot from where I am standing.
"And what would that be?"
I look down at my hand and take in a deep breath.
"Your heart."
I look up again and frown. Damnit. I hate it when Potter's right.
So why my hand? It is hours later, it is evening, I am sitting in a green chair in the Slytherin common room, I am staring into the fire, people move around me, no one bothers me, I am silent, I am still, and I am still thinking about what Potter said.
He's right, of course. If I didn't feel anything, maybe I wouldn't have tried to take my own life.
But maybe I didn't.
I mean, if I really had wanted to kill myself, wouldn't I have done it properly?
But maybe I just wanted pain. Pain, rather than death.
Pain for being weak enough to want death.
Pain to convince myself that…I am Draco. I am alive, I do feel, I'm not just a heartless shell.
Like my father…
"Draco?" I turn my head slowly. Pansy is standing by my chair. I sigh. Pansy is beautiful. It's amazing how much she's changed. From being quite small and pudgy, she's now tall and elegant. Her thick brown hair is no looking plain and boring looking. From such a normal colour, she manages somehow to make her hair look as if it was electric blue, from the way people look at her. It's very long, reaching just above her hip, and when she turns, her hair flips about her and catches the light, shining beautifully. Her eyes are green, ocean deep, and I'm sure I would have slept with her a long time ago if in them I didn't see what I always see when I look into father's eyes and all of his friends' eyes: Evil.
Trying to ignore all this I raise my eyebrows in that slow uncaring manner. "Yes?" I drawl.
She smiles down at me. "Just wondering what you were doing," she says, and sits herself down on the armchair of my seat.
I groan and shift as far away from her a possible. This of course only makes her shift onto my lap. "Hi Draco," she whispers seductively in my ear.
I close my eyes and for a minute I feel extremely tempted. Then my eyes snap open. No. "No," I say audibly. I try to shove her away but she just clings onto my arms harder and presses herself against my body.
"Oh, come on Draco," she says in a whiney tone. "I know you want me." I shudder. The truth hurts. "It's what our daddies want…"
"Which is exactly why it's not going to happen!" I say angrily. "I am not my father's play toy, he cannot just rule my life like this."
Pansy giggles. "Oh yes he can, Draco. You know how important Lucius is. He can have anything he wants." She runs her hand along my chest. "Such a strong man, your father is. You are just like him."
All the time she spoke she had been getting closer and closer to my face, and her lips were practically brushing against my ear. I sighed. "So, once again, we do what our fathers want?"
"I know it's not just your father who wants this," Pansy says. She kisses me, briefly, on the cheek, then on the other, then on the lips. Quick, and then pulls away. I feel my lips longing for more but hold them back. I open them to say no again, but Pansy holds her fingers against them. "I know you're a virgin," she whispers. She giggles. "But we could quickly change that. Don't want people knowing now do we?" She smiles. "What's stopping you, Draco? Your father wants you to do this, my father wants you to do this, hell, I can tell you want to, too. So what's holding you back?"
I frown. There is nothing I can say that she won't report to her father, and then Lucius will find out and sure as hell beat me all the more for it when I go home at Christmas. Don't ask why I go home when I don't have to. I guess it's to protect my mother more than anything else – but no one knows that, of course.
Oh, why don't I just sleep with her? I think as Pansy leans in and kisses me again, this time not drawing back. I want to, and why shouldn't I get what I want? I'm a Malfoy.
Exactly. You hate being a Malfoy, don't you? Hate what that means. Hate getting whatever people think you want, when all you want really is to be free.
Ok, so ignore the Malfoy part. Draco still wants to sleep with her.
Yes, but you can see the evil in her, can't you? The same evil that drives you father, the same evil that almost had a hold of you, until something in you changed in your third year. You're still not sure what that is, are you? But you do know that you'll never join Voldemort. Sleeping with Pansy is like joining the dark side. It's bonding yourself to her and to her father. You don't want that, do you?
I don't know anymore. Maybe I do. Maybe I should just give up all this empathy and righteousness crap that's turning me soft just like Potter and become what I was born to become. My father.
With all doubts blocked off I stand and Pansy slowly slides off me. Without a word she grabs my hand and, still kissing me, leads me off to her dormitory.
Damn my hormones.
