By blackore
Dire Warnings:
See Scene 1.
Scene 2: Sand in the City
EXT. CITY. DAY.
Gabrielle runs tearfully through the main street of a city conveniently located in the middle of the Egyptian desert. The city is similar in appearance to a Grecian village but is especially similar to India. Virtually identical in fact. Coloured bits of gauze hanging from wire, wave in the breeze and traders hawk their wares. An old lady swathed in purple silk (so much so that only her eyes show from a crack in her headdress) tries to wave the bard down.
LADY IN PURPLE
Yoohoo! You with the skin on display. Hey, blondie! Cute stuff! Hey, you! Yeah, you, shortie!
Gabrielle pulls to a stop and turns around slowly, her green eyes glinting dangerously.
GABRIELLE
You talking to me?
LADY IN PURPLE (ever so innocently)
Want me to tell your fortune?
GABRIELLE
You've got to be kidding me! Who the hades are you? What do you want with me?
The old lady in purple winks. At least we think she winks, with all that purple drapery we can't be sure. Xena picks that exact minute to ride up on Argo, yodelling her warcry. She does a triple backflip dismount and swaggers over to the scene, exuding danger and oh yeah, sexual energy. After glowering at the lady in purple, she turns to smile disarmingly at Gabrielle.
XENA
Who's this old biddy? She giving you trouble?
GABRIELLE
Well there's not alot 'Xena: Warrior Ghost' could do about it if she was, now is there?
LADY IN PURPLE (to Gabrielle)
What do I want? I want to sing you a song. About you and 'Tall, Dark and Dead', your literal dream lover.
GABRIELLE
You can see her?
LADY IN PURPLE
I can smell her.
XENA (outraged)
What?
LADY IN PURPLE (beckons Gabrielle in close)
It's a power of mine. It's always been this way, ever since I was a little girl. You see,
I
smell
dead
people.
GABRIELLE
Interesting possibilities. You say you can smell Xena?
LADY IN PURPLE
The stench of warrior sweat in the morning is coming on strong. Now listen up you two!
The old lady in purple shoves Gabrielle and Xena down onto a conveniently placed bench and twirls dramatically as she prepares to rap her big number. It's to the tune of Lose Yourself, as sung by Eminem. Gabrielle sits with a pained, yet polite expression on her face. Xena is busy casually sniffing her own armpits.
LADY IN PURPLE RAPS HUSKILY
Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted...one moment
Would you kiss the girl or just save the world?
XENA
Come on now! That's hardly fair.
GABRIELLE
Hang on, I think I wanna hear this.
LADY IN PURPLE
Good, 'cause this one's for you, shortie.
LADY IN PURPLE RAPS
Her eyes are stinging, can't cry, ears are ringing
There's blood stains on her sais and leather, soul-bond severed
She's grieving, but on the surface she holds it together
She can't stop, or Xena dies forever
Xena blanches and glances sideways at Gabrielle who has gone very white.
LADY IN PURPLE RAPS
So now she climbs, she must get there on time
She's scared of heights, but this is Xena's life
Pushes through, the waterfall's come into sight
Here comes the night, better get it right!
Oops, one technicality, here comes old Yod-o-shi
"Give me Xena's head", he spoke
He's so bad, and he won't let her live and breathe
Will he? No!
XENA
Bastard! I got his stupid carcassy essence all over my good leathers. Why couldn't he just fall down and die like a normal person?
GABRIELLE
Tad selfish of you, don'tcha think, Xena? Afterall, we are in the middle of listening to a charming rendition of my pain, my sacrifice.
XENA (contrite)
Yes dear.
LADY IN PURPLE RAPS
He fires up, he turns Gabrielle's back to toast
Her tattoo sends a note
He's down, she goes for broke
For the ashes she goes
XENA
By the way, Gabrielle, I really, really like your tat. Can I touch it?
GABRIELLE
Shhh. Please, Xena, just concentrate. I want you to pick up on the point of this little ditty.
LADY IN PURPLE RAPS
When she's back at the fountain of strength, that's when it's
Back to a glimmer of hope
Life be re-lit
But Xena comes and tells her that it's over, for all her sins
The lady in purple gets up close in Xena's face for the chorus and starts making emphatic jabbing gestures with her hands (to be in keeping with the style popular in rap songs).
LADY IN PURPLE RAPS FORCEFULLY
You better choose yourself, Xena, is it death or life
Do you survive, or do you let her go?
Can't have it both ways, can't hang around as a ghost
Is it love or is it greater good that gets your vote?
XENA
Uhhh...
LADY IN PURPLE
Well that's less than impressive. Especially after I rapped and everything!
GABRIELLE
And again, I ask, even demand to know, who are you?
Xena (weakly, looking for a distraction)
Yeah!
Who is the mysterious lady in purple?
Will Xena cast her vote for love or the greather good?
Will Gabrielle let Xena touch her tat?
Discover this and more very soon, when Scene 3 is revealed!
