Disclaimer: If they were mine I'd be a happy little beaver. Hell, I'd even share them.but some people *cough* Joss *cough* Don't like sharing...that's just rude...

A/N: This story has really grown on me and enjoy writing it. I'm going to try to make these chapters longer but the letters are harder to write than I thought they'd be. I went and made a big list with dates and days on it to sort of make it realistic. Now, if I'm not mistaken, that the 6th season actually started in October. I'm fairly close with my days and dates. Day 147 I have figured as being Sept. 29.I think it is close enough and I don't plan to refigure all of them because that took a damn long time. I haven't been putting the dates on here because I hadn't figured them out, but I think I'll put them on now..*sighs* Always knew math was good for something.*grins*
On to the story.
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June 26th
Day 52
Dear Buffy,
It rained today. It never rains in California. Though I have to tell you that I didn't mind so much. When it rains I get to go out in the day.but so do the other vamps. We spent a lot of the day in the cemetery lookin' for vamps that decided that they'd take advantage of the rain. There wasn't too many of them, but enough to take up a whole afternoon.

The BuffyBot has still been coming with us. She obnoxious, cheeky, and grabby. I especially hate the grabby part. It has almost become a source of amusement for everyone. The question of the day.'What will the BuffyBot do to Spike today?' The only reason I haven't blown up over it is because it seems to be the only thing that puts a smile on Dawn's face. Kind of ironic..She hates the thing as much as I do, but she says my face expressions are priceless.

Red and Tara are trying to teach Dawn how to cook. Instead of those awful tortilla things she likes so much. Those things disgust me.and I drink blood. Today we got omelets. Red figured that since Dawn already knew how to "cook" things that fold, this would be an easier start.

Tara's was good. Dawn's? Not so much. At least she is trying.

Things have gotten a little better. It's easier when we are busy and don't have time to think. It is worse when we have to sleep. It helps to be with others. Never in my life or unlife have I ever been to so many sleepovers.

Love you...
~ Spike
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June 31st
Day 57
Dear Buffy,

I visited your grave today. It made me feel like I had a hole in my stomach. You were never supposed to get under my skin like this.

You were just supposed to be my third. Three dead Slayers under my belt would've been great. But now, thinking of that, makes my stomach do flip flops and I can't think straight. This bloody chip in my head...that's what started it luv. Made me unable to hurt you or any other humans. You became more real. It was almost as if without the chip I was in smoke and I couldn't see humans for what they are.other than just food.

It's getting so hard, pet. This burning in my gut never goes away. But I think it's worse when everyone is gone. Red and Tara took Dawn to see your father. I didn't want them to go.they are all I have to talk to. Giles never says anything, his eyes speak for themselves. The grief is overwhelming. Seeing his grief makes mine worse.

Anya only talks about sex or money. Not really in the mood to talk about either. Xander and I share an unsaid agreement. We both understand that we each are feeling pain and anguish, but we won't ever talk about it to each other. We aren't friends..only allies. And that's good enough for me.

You know what? It wasn't the chip that did this to me. My feelings have been like this for a long time, now that I think of it. Dru had told me that you were floating about inside my head..that you wouldn't go away. She was right. You've always been there, being different. I hate you for it. And I love you for it.

I can't do this anymore..
~ Spike
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July 4th
Day 61
Dear Buffy,

They won't leave me in the house alone anymore. Giles had come to the house in time to see me attempt to drink a bottle of holy water. I've been sleeping on the couch and someone usually sleeps down here with me. They don't want me to be alone at all. Most of the windows are covered up and it makes the house so dark. I don't want to be in the dark anymore...but I lost what little sunlight I had when you died.

Red's asleep on the couch. All snuggled up. She shouldn't be down here with me. She should be up there with Tara. Now I only feel like a problem. Something else for them to fuss over and take care of.

I promise I won't do that again. I won't end my unlife. I'm promising that to you.and I promised them.

Dawn needs me too much

Now I only need their trust.

I wish you were here. Everything would be simple. I would live in my crypt, you'd be here in this house with your friends...your family. I'd only be acknowledged when you needed help...and used for rounds of 'kick the Spike'.

At least then I knew where I stood.

Now it's just a mess.

Red's starting to wake up. I suppose she'll want to have another heart-to- heart. Lucky me.

Miss you.love you.
~ Spike
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A/N: Yay! Another chapter done. I watched "Angel" yesterday. I love Wesley...it was great. Wesley, Spike and Oz need their own show. I'd watch that one too. Please review and let me know how this story's doing. There will be at least 10 chapters in the whole story, so we've still got a few to go..I'm going to be gone most of the weekend so don't expect a new chapter until at least Sunday. If I'm lucky I'll get one done for tomorrow, but not likely..

Be happy...Give Spike a hug.