Disclaimer: Please...can I have Spike? I'll be really good (unless he doesn't want me to but that's another story)..and...and..I'll share..really..I will..What? You don't believe me? Well fine...I didn't really want him anyway..really...I think I'm gonna cry..*whimpers*..

A/N: I thank you all for your wonderfulness and just being you! Sorry it took so long for an update, this one is a little more difficult than I originally thought.

Vamos!
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July 9th
Day 66
Dear Buffy,
You'll be happy to know that I've gotten better pet. Well then, maybe you wouldn't. Either way I'm not feeling suicidal at the moment. I think a lot of it has to do with Tara. She's just always there, ready to listen. I've told her more about myself than I've told anyone. Maybe you wonder why I haven't told you in these letters, well, part of it is that putting it on paper makes it seem like a history lesson. Like you're reading it out of a book. And I also like to think that where ever you went makes you able to know that kind of stuff. Wishful thinking I guess.

The whelp and Anya are getting closer. And everyone thought it was bad before. Sometimes I think Dawn isn't old enough to see what they do to each other in public. Sometimes I wonder if they are old enough to do those things to each other. When I told the girls that they just told me I was old.

They don't hover as much anymore, though Willow won't let me sleep in the basement anymore. But I still keep my stuff down there. That's usually where I go when everyone leaves. It's quiet and dark.

The girls had looked through my stuff the other day..bloody bints...and realized that I like poetry. And of course Dawn remembered how I told her that I once was an aspiring poet. When she told the witches they had immediately demanded that I write something..so here is my attempt.

*You try to hide it*

*But I know you feel what I do*

*the nights are long*

*sleep is lost*

*I'm drowning in you*

*You hear my voice*

*It screams your name*

*And it's all just the same to you*

*And now you're gone*

*I've lost the sun*

*I don't know what I'll do*

*I'm still drowning in you*

*I don't think*

*It'll ever be the same*

*Without you here*

*I think I'll go insane*

*The days are slow*

*My heart is broken*

*And I still need you*

*And I'm drowning in you*

*I'm lost in you*
I haven't showed it to them yet. I probably will tomorrow. Somehow, writing it to you, makes me feel like you get to see it before everyone else.

I'm not really sure of how good it is, I never was all that good of a poet. But maybe time will have changed things.who knows.
Miss you.
~ Spike
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July 12th
Day 69
Dear Buffy,
They actually liked the poem, luv. I didn't think they would. Well, at least not the witches. But I figured Dawn would've liked it, even if it was only to spare my feelings. Don't know why they need to spare my feelings.I'm the Big Bad...my feelings don't get hurt.

Not at all..

Ok, so you don't believe me, but I'm positive I could make them believe that.

Well, ok, maybe not the witches, or Dawn, or even Rupes but I know I'm still good at pissing off the whelp, so all is good.

I've made a large amount of money from the demon bar. None of them like me all that much, being the "slayer's bitch" But I've given up on caring about what they think. With that money we get groceries, which is a good thing because everyone is always either over here or at the Magic Box. And I have a small amount saved for clothes for when the bit goes back to school. I know it is early to be worried about her going back, but I found that worrying about things like that make me stop thinking about you.

Tonight's my night to patrol. Lucky me. Bloody BuffyBot follows me around and talks about my naked chest all night. Red can't seem to fix it either. Guess we are just stuck with her that way.

That's it for tonight..

Love you..miss you..
~ Spike
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July 17th
Day 74
Dear Buffy,
Last night we all went to the Bronze. We haven't done anything like that in a group in a long while. I suppose we were all tired of hiding with our pain. Or maybe we were afraid to go there because there are too many memories that involve that club and you. I can think of many off the top of my head and I haven't been one of your chums as long as they have.

When I looked out into the crowd of dancing people I saw you. I remember that first time I saw you. Swaying, moving with the rhythm of the song, moving like a Slayer. I knew at that point you'd be my third.

You were my third...and by then I didn't even want you dead...Some irony.

I'm still having the dreams..hell.. I have them every bloody night. Last night I was able to stop Doc from getting to her. He never cut her and you never had to jump into the portal. You had come up and hugged me. You have never hugged me before. And then I woke up..very bittersweet. I save you and then I wake up. Its dreams like that , dreams where I save you, that make me want to stay asleep and never wake up.

I only let myself wake up for Dawn. I made a promise and I will always keep it.

For you..

For her.

For all of them.
Love you...miss you, pet.
~ Spike
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A/N: And just to let you know, that poem above was written by me... I didn't steal it from anyone.*grins* Wish me luck on the next chapter.if you have any ideas about what could happen in between now and when she comes back give 'em to me..if I like any I might use them..(

Be happy....Give Spike a hug 3