CRADLE
Disclaimer, etc. as on first chapter.
A/N: One more character left . Time for Willow angst, and some Xander angst thrown in for good measure. Very slightly W/X in this chapter. Whether that's in a friend sense or something more, I'll let you decide. Please R&R.
Cradle
Chapter Four
Xander turned up on Buffy's front doorstep looking bedraggled and sorry for himself. He'd somehow managed to lose his copy of her key on his way back from the Magic Box, and now he was pretty sure that nobody was in. The only person he knew for sure was in the house was Willow, but she'd locked herself in her room and wouldn't emerge until she got hungry, and that wasn't often. Which meant he'd be sitting on her front porch for at least another hour and a half until Dawn got out of school. He knocked a final time, just in case, and called through the door.
"Hey! Buffy? Giles? Anyone?" As anticipated, there was no answer, and he was just about to get comfortable on the porch when the door opened an inch. He peered through the gap. "Hello?"
"Xander? Th-that you?" said a voice, very quietly.
"Yeah, it's me." The door opened completely, but whoever had unlocked it wasn't visible. Xander went in, closing it after him, and looked around. "Will?"
"Uh-huh…" The reply was absent and practically inaudible, but he followed it to find her sitting on the stairs. She stared across at him curiously. "Where's your… uh… your key?"
He pulled his coat pockets inside out to show they were empty. "Lost it."
"Oh…" With that, she brought her knees to her chest, and buried her head in her arms. She seemed constantly tired, and probably was as she hadn't been sleeping well, if at all. Tara's death had hit her incredibly hard. Nobody mentioned the Other Thing if they could help it. Cautiously, Xander crouched to her level and placed a hand on her shoulder. She jumped, looking up wide-eyed. "What?!"
"Sh, it's just me." Willow's expression calmed. "I didn't wake you up when I arrived, did I?"
"Who, me?" She smiled and attempted a weak laugh. When she spoke again she seemed more alert. "Ha. No. I was… I was clearing up. Dawny left another mess in the basement. Buffy told her to clean it up, but you know kids."
"I knew we should've house-trained that girl…" joked Xander. "Have you eaten?"
"Not yet… but… but Buffy brought me something from the Double Meat on Tuesday." It was Thursday. Xander sighed and pulled her to her feet.
"Come on. I'll make you a Xander Harris Special Sandwich."
He managed to manoeuvre her into the kitchen and sit her down at the island, then set about searching the cupboards for ingredients. He was amazed to discover Buffy's cupboards relatively well-stocked; money had been tight, and she'd ended up working extra shifts. It was obviously paying off, at least for the moment. There was also the added help of having Giles back, who insisted on helping financially despite Buffy's protests. Willow watched Xander, her head moving from side to side, as he went about the kitchen in a flurry of activity. He stopped after a few minutes, and presented her with a very tall and overstuffed sandwich containing several different meats and lots of mayonnaise.
"Voila!"
"Wow…" she said, contemplating it. "Big…"
"Special Sandwiches are always big. That's why they're special." Sitting opposite her, he added, "Try it." She was going to politely refuse - she really didn't feel like eating – but could tell by the look on her friend's face that it wasn't going to be an option. She turned the plate around 360 degrees to ascertain the best place to start, picked it up, and took a cautious bite. Several of the slices of meat fell out of the middle as she did so. She chewed slowly. "Well?"
"Mm," she muttered through a mouthful of bread. "Meaty." Swallowing, she added. "And mayonnaise-y."
"Salad is for wimps," said Xander, heroically. "Have some more. You missed all the chicken-y goodness in the middle." He indicated the rest of the filling on the plate. Willow made a half-hearted attempt to rebuild the sandwich and dived into it again, taking a bigger bite.
Xander smiled. She was making progress. It was slow, but he knew she'd pull through eventually. He was flattered, and very glad, that Willow trusted him above everyone else, but it was also very scary. What if he messed up? What if he broke her? He wished someone else – specifically Giles – could get through to her.
She would talk to Giles, as well as Buffy and Dawn, but only out of politeness and usually monosyllabically. Everyone was far more worried than they let on. The only trouble was, they didn't have to let on for Willow to know; she was still powerful, battling hard to keep everything under control, and trying to ignore everything she picked up with her hyperactive senses. She could feel everybody's worry, and the stress of trying not to worry them more only seemed to make her worse. The only person who knew what she was really like through it all was Xander. He'd been the one to pull her out of her rage, and he'd been there when she broke down and cried immediately after. He wouldn't care, after all this, how upset or frustrated she got, so he got to see the real, broken, hurting Willow, while everybody else got to see the trying-to-be-chipper, I'm-okay-honest Willow. She was leading a double-life, and it was killing her. Xander prayed someone else would break through her barriers.
However, at least by focussing his attention on Willow, Xander didn't have to deal with Buffy. He still hadn't forgiven her for sleeping with Spike. For some reason, that hurt more than seeing Anya doing the same. Anya had a legitimate reason – to hurt him – but Buffy? He couldn't understand it. Even putting aside his personal grievances with Spike, he simply failed to see why Buffy would do that. And what made it worse was that she hadn't told anyone. When – or if – that vampire dragged his pathetic self back to Sunnydale, Xander was going to kill him – really, honestly, stake-through-the-heart kill him.
In the meantime, he and Buffy had no choice but to get on. He was there all the time now, anyway, and for Willow's sake, and Dawn's to some degree, they kept the atmosphere amicable. Nevertheless, he was still going to kill Spike…
His murderous thoughts were cut short when he spotted the empty plate in front of Willow. "Wow, Will. Guess you were hungrier than you thought."
Willow looked down at the plate, apparently surprised at herself. "Oh. Guess I was. Could you… um… make me another one?"
Xander beamed and did just that, placing another huge tower of bread and sliced meat in front of her. He sat opposite her again and watched as she tucked in. Then, he started laughing when he spotted a huge blob of mayonnaise on her cheek that she'd failed to notice.
She looked up. "Xander?"
He stopped laughing, and reached over to remove it with his thumb. She flinched at the contact and he drew back. "Sorry…" Holding up the thumb so she could see, he explained, "Mayo." Willow relaxed again and Xander reached over to remove the rest of it. All the while, she gazed at him from behind the sandwich, a lost and haunted expression in her eyes. Behind it, some of the dark magic still hovered, waiting to be released, and on top of everything else, a silent plea for help. Xander left his hand on her cheek. "I'll help you, Will. We'll all help. You're gonna be okay, I promise."
The moment was cut abruptly short by the sound of the front door closing, and Buffy's voice ringing through from the lounge. "Hey, Willow, I'm home." She came into the kitchen and stopped short at the scene.
"Gee, Buff, could you get any more unoriginal?" said Xander.
She ignored him. She'd worked a double shift at the Double Meat, she was tired, and she wasn't in the mood for his sarcasm. Instead, she stared at Willow in surprise. "Will!"
"Hi, Buffy…"
"Hi… um… you're up. And you're eating."
"Yup."
"Wow. That's great!"
Willow smiled. "Xander made me a sandwich."
"A Special Sandwich," he corrected.
"Yeah. But… oh…" She looked around the kitchen, which was still clean except for the cutting boards and one of the counters, which was covered in breadcrumbs and spots of mayonnaise. "He made a bit of a mess. I'll clean it up, though, Buffy, don't worry."
"It's okay…" she said. "Xander can clean up his own mess…" She looked at him pointedly, taking one of the escaped slices of meat from Willow's plate.
"And that I shall, ladies," he said, getting up to do just that. Buffy took his seat opposite her friend and watched her struggle with the rest of the sandwich. Willow stopped when she realised she was being stared at, suddenly self-conscious.
"What?"
"Sorry. It's just good to see you eating. And down here."
"Oh…" Since the bread was beginning to dissolve, she gave up on the sandwich, and looked across the table at Buffy. "Sorry about being so loner-y. It's just, what with the whole dealing-with-life thing-"
"It's okay," said Buffy, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze. "Really. We understand. You can take all the time alone you need. It's just nice to see you up and about."
Willow smiled gratefully. This was the most forthcoming she'd been around Buffy and it was definitely a good sign. "Do we have anything to drink?"
Buffy nodded. "Sure. You know where it all is." Willow dragged herself from the counter, still a little lethargic, and headed towards the refrigerator; Buffy continued picking at the remains of the sandwich as she addressed Xander.
"Did you manage to find Anya?"
He stopped what he was doing and turned to face her. "Yeah. Sitting outside the Magic Ruins in the rain."
"And?"
"And… I don't know, I tried talking to her, but… I think we both still need some time." Buffy nodded again, understandingly, and Xander changed the subject. "Where's Giles?"
"He's picking up Dawn. He promised to buy us dinner tonight, hence the severe and welcomed lack of job-related food. Come along with us, Xander. I think we could all do with a night out." He smiled and nodded his acceptance of the invitation. Buffy's attention was diverted to the other side of the room by the sound of Willow closing the fridge door. "You wanna come with, Will?"
"No, I… I couldn't…"
"Aw, come on. It'll be like old times – just you, me, Xander, Giles, and Dawn."
"Are you sure?"
"Sure I'm sure. Besides, the fresh air'll do you good." She pouted. It worked with Giles (and, although she hated to admit it, Spike) and she was pretty sure it would work on Willow. "It'll be fun. Fun and food-y."
The ex-witch gave in. "Nada on the coping with the fun…" she started, then back-pedalled. "But food-y, I can do."
"Great! Now, I have to get out of this uniform. 'Scuse me." With that, she vacated the kitchen and disappeared upstairs to change. There was a brief silence as Xander and Willow stared at each other from opposite sides of the room. Something unspoken passed between them, and neither of them were quite sure what it was. Xander was about to say something – he wasn't entirely certain what – when Willow put down the glass she'd been drinking from and averted her gaze.
"I should… go get changed. Don't wanna look all crumpled for the meal…"
"Yeah…"
With a weak, grateful smile, she headed upstairs, leaving Xander alone in the kitchen. He realised that she'd spoken more to himself and Buffy today than she had all the days preceding since they'd brought her home. It could only be a sign of improvement. However, she still seemed distant, trying very hard to be cheerful when she clearly wasn't. Watching her force herself to be happy for their sake was starting to become heart-wrenching; she'd laugh, or smile, and simultaneously look about to burst into tears; her jokes had lost their edge. She seemed only a half-Willow.
Obviously, it was going to take a lot of time for her to recover. Even more obviously, she was trying her best to do so. Therein lay the problem. She was bottling up in an effort to at least seem better, when, in fact, purging would have been more advantageous. She was suddenly proud and unwilling to break down in front of her friends, excepting Xander. And Xander, for all his efforts and devotion to helping her, wasn't the right person to help. All he had to do now was convince Willow of that fact…
To be continued…
This is ending up angstier than I thought. To all the B/S-ers, don't worry, I will bring Spike back to SunnyHell very soon, and it certainly won't just be him turning up on her doorstep… Not entirely sure what's happening next, so bear with me. Until Chapter 5, please review :D
