CRADLE

Disclaimer, etc. as on first chapter.

A/N: What, you thought I'd really kill Spike? ;) Anyway, two very long and odd conversations between Buffy/Xander and Willow/Spike, two relationships that have as yet been unexplored in the fic except in passing. And some more minor Spuffy, too. Review-wise, I'd like to say: nine more and I'll have my first centennial :D Help me reach my target, people!

Cradle

Chapter Seventeen

Sitting on the top step of the back porch, Xander felt as though he'd been waiting for Buffy for hours. The massive adrenaline rush that had aided his final, almost fatal attack on Spike had completely diminished, and he'd only just managed to stop shaking. He knew he'd made a terrible mistake. At the time, he'd wanted nothing more than to watch Spike dissolve all around him… and he'd been so close, until Buffy arrived, bursting into the room and causing him to miss. Now, all of a sudden, he was partially glad of it.

Buffy was furious, and rightly so. The last time he'd seen her this angry had probably most likely been when Dawn was in danger, or, ironically enough, at Spike. If she ever forgave him, he couldn't think how to make it up to her. He was unable to deny it any longer – if Buffy's reaction had been anything to go by, Anya was right. Whether she realised it or not, she had strong feelings for Spike, and almost losing him had definitely made it hit closer to home.

He stared at his hands, turning them palm down and palm up. His knuckles were bruised, bloodied, and aching, unsurprisingly, and he had Spike's blood on his palms. He couldn't even remember who had started it, but had a horrible suspicion it was him. The intensity with which he'd determined to kill the vampire scared him; he'd never been so completely blinded by rage before. Was this how Willow had been? he wondered. It was no surprise she'd been so fragile after her ordeal.

He heard the kitchen door open, and Buffy emerged; she walked straight past him, taking up a position in front of him, standing with her arms folded in a calm, collected stance. Xander was glad she'd taken time to cool off, rather than attempting to talk to him in her previous state.

She didn't have a clue where to begin. Everything hurt too much. Of the two, Xander appeared to be the worst off, sporting far more bruises to his face than Spike, a black eye, and probably a fair few cracked ribs if the way he was sitting was any indication. Spike did have superior strength, and, as she'd suspected, it had been more dumb luck than judgement that Xander had won.

The silence between them was penetrating in the garden. Xander forced himself to look up at Buffy, his neck and shoulders creaking in complaint; he winced at the contempt in her expression as she looked back at him. His voice raw from yelling at Spike, and from lack of energy, he very cautiously asked, "Is he okay?"

Buffy sensed he was going sincere, for her sake if not Spike's, but it didn't stop her answer from being decidedly snippy. "Yeah. No thanks to you."

Xander lowered his head into his hands. "God, Buffy… I'm sorry…"

"You really think an apology is going to cut it this time?" Her voice was calm, but there was no denying the anger underneath.

"No. I know it won't. But I don't know how to… what to do…"

"You can start," she suggested, beginning to pace irritably, "by telling me where you get off just attacking him like that!"

Xander sighed heavily, pain shooting through his chest as he did so. "I don't think I can explain, Buffy. It was like… I was reliving that moment when I found you in the bathroom… and when I saw him with Anya." He shuddered. "And all I could think about was… was destroying him."

"That's no excuse," she said. "I know he hurt you. He's hurt us all at some point. But that's just Spike, Xander; it's who he is." She ceased her pacing. "I know you two have never exactly been on the best of terms, and believe me, I'm just as disappointed in him for fighting back… but killing him wouldn't have solved anything. That Magic would still be loose out there, only we'd have less chance of stopping it without Spike; Will would still be fighting it out of her system; Tara would still be dead… you and Anya would still be separated…"

She'd demonstrated enough; Xander got the idea. "God, I've messed up… The last thing Anya wanted from me was to behave around Spike… I let her down… but I just couldn't stop it, Buff." He didn't even try to stop the tears that suddenly coursed down his cheeks. "Everything's been so damn hard – with Will, with Anya. I'm just not strong enough for this. And I don't understand; I can't. This whole thing with you and Spike, it's-"

"That's not it, Xander," she interrupted. "It's not that you can't. You just won't. You wouldn't even try."

He knew she was right. Buffy always seemed to be right. Lately, he always seemed to be wrong. "I guess I didn't want to," he admitted. "I wanted to protect you, that's all."

"I remember when it used to be the other way around." She sighed. "I don't need you to protect me, Xander. What I do need is for you to trust me, and support me, no matter what my decisions are. It's not that much to ask from you."

"I know," he said. "I was an idiot."

Buffy looked at him defiantly; she was clearly not finished with him yet. It was time for some home truths. Everything she'd been wanting to say came flooding out in an emotional tirade. "You know the reason I didn't tell anyone about me and Spike? Because of you. Because I knew you wouldn't be able to accept it. Willow, I wasn't sure about, but I thought she'd be okay with it; I knew Dawn would probably be happy for me. I only told Tara out of desperation, because I was confused and scared… scared that Spike was right, that I had come back 'wrong'. I mean, why else would I be sleeping with him? As you so eloquently put it that day I got turned invisible, 'nobody in their right mind' would sleep with Spike, not unless they were a 'moron like Harmony, or a nutsack like Drusilla'..." Off his look, she clarified, "Yes, Xander. I was already sleeping with him back then…" She paused. "I thought I was going crazy… Hell, I was going crazy, and I couldn't tell anyone but Spike. And maybe it was a stupid thing to do, to let him into my life like that, but it happened. It happened… and I'm glad it did… despite the decidedly sucky outcome."

"You're in love with him, aren't you?" he asked, everything starting to click together. She didn't answer straight away. "That's what everyone seems to think."

"Everyone's thinking wrong, then. I'm not in love with Spike." She didn't sound very convincing, even to herself. However, she'd promised herself that this was going to be her truth session, if she was going to get through to Xander, so she continued. "I do have feelings for him; I'm not denying that. After everything, it's impossible for me to keep telling myself that I don't. Maybe I'd even go so far now as saying I care for him – and I guess on some insane level I have you to thank for that – but I don't love him."

Xander seemed to accept this, but even if he didn't, he wasn't about to question her on it. "I understand. I can't believe how much of a jerk I was when I found out… if I'd just let you explain-"

"Then we wouldn't be here right now, I know. It's the past, Xander; what's gone is gone. It's just unfortunate it had to get this far."

"It's just… when I found out… apart from the fact that I'm hardly Spike's biggest fan, I couldn't help remembering what had happened the last time you fell for a vampire, Buffy. It ended badly. I didn't want to see you get hurt again… or hurt more… after all, Spike didn't have a soul then."

"Angel was different," she said, ignoring the soul comment – that was something she was still trying to deal with herself. "And don't you think I've made all the comparisons myself before now, hundreds of times?" He nodded numbly. "All that mattered was that Spike loved me. Even when I didn't believe him, it was all that mattered…"

His next question surprised her. "Do you believe him now? He got a soul for you, Buffy." It seemed he'd finally accepted it himself; either that, or he was too exhausted to argue any more.

She thought about it. That same phrase kept ringing in her brain, the one that had caused her epiphany on the stairs before pouring everything out to Giles – 'You only hurt the ones you love, pet…' "I believed him before now… I believed him when he hurt me…" Seeing that Xander was confused, she changed the subject. "It's not your concern. Which is what I more or less came out here to tell you. My business is just that – mine. Not yours. Not Spike's. Not anybody's Mine. Just like yours is yours, and your problems with Anya, too. I'm staying out of it. I only wish you could have granted me that same courtesy."

Xander's apology was evident in his eyes, but he couldn't phrase it in the correct way for it to sound as sincere as he intended it. He could only hope she realised. They'd reached a stalemate. Buffy could think of nothing more to say to him, and didn't have the energy to spend all night reprimanding his ears off about what he'd done; Xander didn't have a clue what to do next.

"If there's anything I can do, Buffy… seriously. Just tell me."

She looked thoughtful. He was being honest. "Oh, yeah, there's lots of things you can do. First of all, you can apologise to Spike, and you can mean it."

"I guess I deserve that…"

She nodded. "Second of all, as soon as you're able to, you can fix the damage you did to the house." Xander nodded; that made sense. "And lastly, you can be there for Will when she purges that Magic. That was going to be part of the plan, if I'd gotten a damn chance to tell you all…"

"You can count on it," he assured her. "But what must she think of me, though? I just went and acted on the same kind of crazy impulses that she's recovering from… and Anya looked so disappointed. God only knows what Dawn thinks of me."

"They'll get over it. We can work through this like we do everything else. That's what we do best." She looked at him. If they were going to stop the Magic, he was currently in no fit state. "As for you, you need to get yourself to the hospital and get yourself checked out. I'll go tell Giles what happened and get him to take you."

Xander nodded. "I guess you're right. I'll tell them I got beaten up on the street, or something."

"I'd say that's a good idea." She walked past him again, back towards the house. As an afterthought, she turned at the doorway and added, "On the plus side, I think Spike has a lot more respect for you."

He smiled in spite of himself. That sounded like Spike, all right…

While Buffy talked to Xander in the back garden, Willow and Spike were having a conversation of their own…

"Hold still!" ordered Willow, preparing to remove the stake from Spike's chest. It was proving difficult because he continued to twitch, probably involuntarily.

"Easy enough for you to say," he said. "You're not the one who just stared Death in the face."

"I know, but if you keep wriggling like that, you're gonna be staring at him again…"

Spike looked thoughtful. "I like you – you're sensible." Willow smiled, amused, wondering how he managed to make light of even the worst situation. It was even more impressive for the fact that he was obviously in a lot of pain.

"Glad you think so. Now, do you want this thing out, or not?" He gave her a 'what do you think?' look, then braced himself, his palms flat on the floor. Willow tightened her grip on the stake. "Ready?" Spike nodded and gritted his teeth. Willow pulled as hard as she could; Spike howled as it dislodged, finally pulling free as Willow tossed it aside. She let out a breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding. "There…"

Spike winced as the air hit the wound, and he was pretty sure there were splinters in there, too. "You know, for someone who's supposed to believe in doing no harm, you seem to be bloody good at it…"

"Sorry…" she said, sheepishly. "This looks pretty deep, Spike." She fingered it cautiously, then, averting her gaze somewhat shyly, she added, "Could you, uh, take off your shirt?"

He obliged while she figured out what to use for the best. When she turned back, she started at the sight of the bandages wrapped around his upper body. Fresh blood was seeping through from Xander's attack having aggravated the earlier wounds. Spike had done as Buffy had asked, however, and grudgingly gotten Clem to change the dressings. There was now a neat, round hole through them where the stake had pierced his chest.

Willow unwrapped him tentatively and resisted the urge to ask about what he'd gone through to get the scars and burns. She wasn't sure she wanted to know. Giving him fair warning, and attempting to distract him while she did so, she set about cleaning him up. "Good thing about that vampy super-healing, huh?"

"Yeah," said Spike, breathing sharply through his teeth. "Xander came bloody close to finishing me off, though."

Willow padded the stake wound thoroughly and started re-wrapping the vampire in fresh bandages. She couldn't quite believe what had happened before, that she was repairing what might have been fatal damage, caused by her best friend, someone she'd known for over fifteen years. She didn't exactly consider Spike a friend, but she didn't have any problems with him on a personal level, and she certainly didn't want him dead. He made life more interesting for everyone… and she didn't want to contemplate what effect it might have had on Buffy.

She finished up with the bandages and shook herself out of her reverie. "There," she said. "All done and good as new… sorta."

"Thanks, Red." Spike got up painfully from his position on the floor, intending to leave. Then he realised he could hardly walk and got as far as the – by now slightly dented – couch before giving up, crashing down to sit on it. Willow put the remaining supplies back into the First Aid box and went to sit next to him, not really wanting to be alone and knowing Giles was still busy comforting Dawn. At the very least, she could talk to Spike about something.

"So," she offered, grinning slightly, "didja see your life flash before your eyes? I always wondered if that was true or not.

Spike smiled back weakly. "Sorry to disappoint, but no." The smile fell again. "But… I did see Buffy… When that stake hit, I… I pretended it was her doing the deed. Made it seem more worthwhile, y'know?" Willow nodded sympathetically. Spike examined his hands, hands he would willingly have used to beat Xander to a bloody pulp not ten minutes ago. "Then… while I was out of it… I saw her cryin'. Like she was sorry I'd gone."

Willow said nothing. Spike, after all this time, still doubted where Buffy's affections lay. If only he'd seen the panic in her eyes when she'd thought him dead, he probably wouldn't. "You… you really do love her, don't you?"

He looked at her curiously. It was an honest question that he suspected she already knew the answer to. "Yeah. More than I think she knows."

"Have you told her?" He was about to give her a pedantic reply – she knew he'd told her – when she added, "I mean, I know you've told-told her, but have you actually let her know how much? With actual words?"

He scoffed. "Like she'd give me the chance!"

"She might," countered Willow. "Now you're back. I… I think she missed you…"

"No, she didn't. All she missed was having her own personal punching bag."

"Well… that's a start, right?" She offered a weak smile. Spike didn't return it. "Why don't you try, Spike? When this is all over, just… just talk to Buffy."

"Don't know if you've noticed, Red, but Buffy and I aren't big on the whole talkin' thing. And the last time I tried that, I ended up…" He fought down a shudder. "I ended up… making it worse."

Willow thought about it for a while. If there was even the smallest chance that Buffy returned his feelings, then Spike needed to see that for himself. Either he was completely blind, or she'd beaten him down so much he simply refused to believe she could ever love him. The circumstances of his disappearing weren't helping matters, either. She tried a different tactic, playing on Spike's inherent 'badness'. "I bet you're just scared, aren't you?"

"What?" he asked, indignant. "No." He said this with just enough lack of conviction for Willow to push with her reasoning.

"You are!" Spike shook his head exasperatedly, but she carried on. "You're scared that she'll laugh at you, or that it won't make any difference."

He was about to deny it, but then conceded that she was partially right. He sighed. "All right, I am… Well, something like that." He explained, "Imagine it, Willow – I talk to Buffy and it makes absolutely no difference whatsoever. She won't believe me; she hasn't so far. She's not going to just… fall into my waitin' arms, is she?"

"I'm not suggesting she will, Spike. But… but if she realises how you feel, it might bring her around, and then… who knows? It's worth a try." Spike didn't say anything, but it looked like he was thinking about it. "Hey, I got an idea!" she said, suddenly enthusiastic. "Why don't you tell me, first?"

He looked incredulous. "Yeah, because that won't be weird at all…" He obviously hadn't lost his touch for sarcasm.

"No, I mean it," she said, sitting cross-legged on the couch and getting more comfortable. "Come on. Tell me how you feel about Buffy. Then, when you tell her, it'll be easier."

He ignored the fact that she'd very subtly said "when" and not "if". He conceded defeat. "Fine…" He didn't meet Willow's eyes, merely stared at the floor, or his fingernails, fidgeting. After a few seconds of thought, he started. "I love Buffy. I know that, you know that, she knows that. It's wrong – I know it's wrong – but I do. No matter what she does, I can't stop… and I still keep hopin' she'll realise she loves me, too. She says she doesn't, but… I've seen it in her eyes. I thought maybe the soul might change things, and all it did was make me needier, and Buffy hurt more than before." Suddenly, he looked up again, staring at Willow. "She's my whole life, Red. I'd let her be my death, if I had to."

Willow could think of nothing to say except, "Wow…" Spike wasn't finished, though; he was on a roll.

"Here's something ironic for you. Dru turned me; I loved her, too. Buffy thinks I can't love, but she seems to forget – I was with Dru over a century. If that isn't love, I don't know what is. But the ironic thing is, in simple terms, I loved Dru because she made me what I am – and I love Buffy because she makes me feel like what I was."

The ex-Wiccan stared at him. "Whoa… Spike, that's it. That's exactly what you should say to her."

"You think so?" Willow nodded. "Well… all right. If I get a chance, I'll… I'll try and talk to her." Then, a curious silence descended around them, as they both ran out of things to say.

On the stairs, Buffy had been witness to the end of their conversation. She'd entered the house through the dining room and was going to make her presence known, when she'd heard her name mentioned. Silently, she'd set up a vigil on the other side of the wall, where they couldn't see her, and listened to Spike's heartfelt commentary. Again with the making-everything-sound-like-poetry, she thought, as a tear rolled down her cheek. Damn vampire. Cursing him didn't seem right, though, not now. She felt like she ought to say 'thank you'. Just as she was about to make her presence known, the two started talking again.

Spike suddenly noticed that Willow appeared to be crying, and was making a bad job of trying to hide it when she saw him watching her. "What's'matter, Red? I never thought you were the sentimental type."

"S-sorry… it's not that…" She sniffed. "I was just thinking about Tara."

Spike had almost forgotten about that. "Oh. Yeah, I… I heard about what happened." He'd done his fair share of listening over the past year, so he figured one more time wouldn't hurt. "You want to, um, talk about it?"

She nodded meekly. "It's just… you seem to… to love Buffy, so much, and it feels like… like I couldn't even love Tara enough to stop using magic when she asked. And maybe if I had, she'd still be here."

"Hey… that wasn't your fault she died, and you know it."

"It was, though… We'd just made up, and… and that's why we were getting up late… if I'd just stopped the magic, then she wouldn't have left and we wouldn't have had to make up…" The sentence trailed off into tears.

"Willow," he said, pointedly. "It was not your fault. Tara knew how you felt, didn't she?" Willow nodded, biting back her sobs. "Well, then, she died happy." His explanation wasn't having the desired effect; all of a sudden, Willow pitched herself into his arms and gave him very little choice but to try and comfort her. At a loss, Spike conceded to mutter incoherently until she calmed down.

At which point, Buffy decided to emerge from the dining room. She was momentarily surprised by the image of Willow crying on Spike, but seeing his decided awkwardness at the situation, her surprise turned to amusement. She cleared her throat and folded her arms in assumed condescension.

Spike looked over as she said, "I don't know, I leave you with my best friend for one minute…"

He let go of Willow, who stood up and wiped her eyes. "Oh, Buffy, it's not… it's… Spike was just-"

"Calm down, Will. I'm kidding."

They both visibly relaxed. "Did you talk to Xander?" she asked.

"Yeah. He seems pretty shaken up by it, actually. I don't think he knew what he was doing."

"Try tellin' that to the hole in my chest," said Spike.

Buffy smiled. "You okay?"

He nodded. "Willow patched me up just fine. Should heal in no time."

"Good." She cast her eyes to the stairs. "I guess I'd better go tell Dawn everything's fine, and get Giles to take Xander to the hospital. Talking of which, I've told him to apologise to you. Please don't make it any harder."

Spike had seen the effects of not provoking Xander. He didn't want to find out what happened if he did. "You've got my word, pet."

Buffy nodded gratefully. "Will, has Anya reappeared yet?"

She shook her head. "No, but I doubt she's gone far. I think she was pretty close to a solution before, so I'm sure she'll come back."

"Well, when she does, tell her that I've spoken to Xander, and to save anything she needs to say to him until after we beat this thing, okay?"

"I will."

With that, Buffy took a deep breath and headed upstairs. She knocked on Dawn's door, and vanished inside. Willow and Spike waited, with some curiosity. Then, the door was flung open and the teenager emerged in a flurry of arms and brunette hair as she bounded down the stairs with Buffy in hot pursuit telling her to calm down. Before Spike knew what was happening, Dawn had attached herself to him.

"You're okay!" she squealed. "You're not dust, you're okay…"

"Takes more than a little staking to keep me down, Bit."

Dawn squealed again and squeezed him tighter. Spike shrugged and hugged her back, while Buffy and Giles watched from the bottom of the stairs. Giles never ceased to be amazed by the way Dawn could switch from crying hysterically to giggling without so much as batting an eyelid. It hadn't quite registered what had happened until this particular moment, seeing Spike standing and obviously not dust. He was shocked by Xander's actions; even though he'd been considering the same thing himself, he doubted, if the opportunity arose, that he'd go through with it. And now, seeing Dawn so happy to have him alive – and Buffy, to some degree – he realised he could never stick to his oath. In the back of his mind, it registered that their pizzas had probably gone cold.

Buffy smiled at her sister and Spike, slightly jealous at the ease with which Dawn hugged him, unquestioningly. They'd always had a special bond, one she never quite understood. She tore her gaze from them and looked to her Watcher.

"Giles, could you take Xander to the hospital?"

He nodded. "Yes. Of course." He paused to watch Dawn as she finally released Spike. "I can't believe he was even capable of this."

"I know…"

As if on cue, Xander hobbled through to the lounge. He surveyed the various expressions in the room as he entered – Buffy's was considerably less angry than before, now that she'd let off steam, Willow had come to terms with it after her initial shock (and he could tell she'd been crying, but that was too much to deal with right now), Giles looked disappointed in him, and Dawn held him in a contemptuous gaze. Spike was the only one, however, who would meet his eyes. The vampire nodded at him as he walked past, settling some kind of silent truce.

Xander stopped in the middle of the room, in full view of everyone, and looked at his adversary. "Spike."

"Harris."

"I just wanted to say that… I'm sorry it got this far… and… for starting the fight." He meant it, and Spike could tell.

"Thanks." He wanted to tell him that he was just as sorry for the Anya situation, but he wasn't ready just yet. The boy had nearly dusted him and he deserved to make him squirm just a little longer. "You fight pretty damn well, for a human."

Xander smiled very weakly to show he appreciated the strange compliment, then turned to Buffy. She seemed satisfied. "Okay, Giles. Let's go."

The older man nodded silently, not entirely sure what he should say to him, and led him out to the car. There was complete silence as they drove away, and then, suddenly, Anya reappeared, startling everyone. Dawn was the first to recover.

"Uh… hey, Anya…"

She looked around the assembled Scoobies. "Where's Xander?" Casting a suspicious glance at Buffy, she asked, "You didn't kill him, did you?"

Buffy laughed lightly. "No, Anya… Giles has taken him to hospital to get checked over."

She visibly relaxed. "Oh, good… I… I wanted to tell him I'd overreacted earlier. I was still in shock from seeing him stake Spike." Turning to face the accused, she added, "And since Spike is clearly not dead, I'll assume I was wrong to not give him a chance to explain."

"I'm sure he'll understand, Anya," said Willow. "Xander's been through a lot this past month, what with me being all dependent and needy. And he didn't know what he was doing, really…"

Anya nodded. "Well, at least both he and Spike are fine."

Another silence filled the room. Then, seemingly randomly, Spike remembered why he was even there in the first place. "Buffy, didn't you have a plan you were going to tell us?"

"Oh, yeah!" she said, also remembering. "But I think right now we all need rest, don't you? I'll tell you all tomorrow when we have Xander and Giles back here."

Everyone agreed. Dawn, ever the voice of logic, said: "Where's Spike gonna sleep?"

He and Buffy exchanged a glance; before she could dig herself into a hole, as he knew she'd end up doing, he rescued her. "My crypt, Bit." He started to head towards the front door. "Sure I can manage to-"

"Spike," interrupted Buffy. "You can barely stand. By the time you get to the cemetery it'll be sunrise at this rate." He knew she was right. Buffy thought things through. "Okay…Anya, can you stay with Will?" Anya nodded. Just in case Willow took it the wrong way, Buffy explained, "I know you're doing better, Willow; you're doing great… but I'm only thinking of you. Anya knows about magic; she'll be able to help if you have… problems."

Willow nodded. "I guess so…"

"The living room, I feel, is a write-off for now." Everyone agreed on that. "Which leaves-"

"He can sleep on my floor!" interrupted Dawn, enthusiastically.

"No, Dawn. You are not having a sleepover with Spike…"

"But-"

"Big Sis is right, Nibblet… I don't want Giles trying to stake me an' all…"

Dawn conceded defeat, somewhat thwarted. "Well, where then? Your room?"

Buffy deliberately avoided Spike's gaze – thus missing the fact that he did exactly the same – and said, "Again, no. Same reason." There was only one other place he could go. "It'll have to be the basement, Spike… sorry."

He shrugged. "S'warmer than the crypt."

Dawn was going to protest, but then realised it was futile. "I'll go set up a cot and some blankets," she said, heading off to find them. The conversation dissipated into general banter on what time to wake up, when Xander might be back, and where Buffy had been all day – she was remarkably unforthcoming as to her location, but they let it drop.

Dawn made the basement as comfortable as possible for Spike, and kissed him on the cheek before heading upstairs. Willow thanked him for being supportive earlier, and Anya merely smiled sympathetically, not knowing what to say. Eventually, Buffy and Spike stood alone in the remains of the living room. Together, they wandered through to the kitchen. Buffy opened the fridge and helped herself to a large spoonful of mayonnaise; Spike grimaced.

"What?" she asked. "Long and difficult conversations with people give me the munchies…" She put the mayo back in the fridge and turned to him. Spike stood with his back to the open door of the basement while Buffy stood opposite him on the other side of the room. They didn't say anything. Buffy recalled the ease with which Dawn had hugged him when she knew he was okay. Why did she find it so difficult to do that herself? She was constantly thinking of possible repercussions, or whether or not it would be misconstrued. Staring at him from across the kitchen, she wanted nothing more than to pluck up the courage to go over and hurl her arms around him, just to let him know she was glad he was alive, too.

After a very long while, Spike finally cut through the silence. "Why did you kiss me?"

"Huh?"

"Before you went out to talk to Xander. You kissed me. Why?"

"Oh…" Trust him to bring that up. She was ever more certain he could read her mind. "Because… I was relieved he hadn't dusted you." Spike hadn't really thought of what she might say; it had just seemed like an apt question at the time. As such, he hadn't got a reply to her comment. "Very relieved, actually…"

"Really?"

She nodded. "Well… I've only just got you back from Africa, and-"

"Yes?" The glimmer of hope in his eyes was Buffy's undoing. She couldn't carry on that train of thought. She'd been about to admit that she'd missed him, that she couldn't stand the idea of losing him again… but now, she couldn't.

"And… I need your help. With getting the Magic back in the books."

"I see…" he said, deflated. "Right. Well. Best get some kip." When there was no reply from Buffy, he turned, hesitating at the top of the stairs. The conversation he'd had with Willow kept coming back to him – her advice to talk to Buffy, if she gave him the chance. It would be so easy to try now; all he needed to do was ask if she'd listen to him. But then, he figured, now really wasn't the best time to pour his heart out.

He started when her voice emanated from directly behind him. "Goodnight, Spike."

He turned back again to find her directly in front of him. She looked nervous. Just as he was about to say something, she surprised him a second time by moving forward and wrapping her arms around him. He responded immediately, returning the gesture and pulling her close to him with a relief that mirrored her own. He didn't know what had caused this sudden show of affection (or weakness, perhaps,) but he wasn't going to question it. Right now, it felt wonderful to have Buffy in his arms.

Buffy was beginning to see why Dawn did this so often. Heartbeat or no heartbeat, the man could hug. She almost didn't want to pull away, but sleep was threatening to overtake and that would cause all sorts of embarrassment later. Regretfully, she extricated herself from the embrace and left the kitchen without a word, and without looking back.

Spike watched her leave, curiously. Then, to the empty doorway, he said, "Goodnight, Buffy."

To be continued…

Aww =) Incidentally, I know from personal experience just how well Spike can hug ;) and being the same height as Buffy really had its advantages, too… *ahem* Anyway, as already mentioned, please help me reach my target of 100 reviews! I'm taking a breather before moving onto chapter 18, but expect the action (as such) to begin there… until then… you know what to do…