Chapter 2
The Realm of Artemis FanFics
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...uh, you can't fool me again."
~ George W. Bush
In another realm, the vortex opened. The inhabitants did not notice the friendly walrus and the mean walnut fall in.
"Where are we?" Muttered BFW.
"In the Realm of Artemis FanFics." Muttered a cloaked person. "I too have been banished here from my people."
"Where did you come from?" Asked LMW.
"The Realm of Stephen King. There, I was a great and powerful wizard. Here, I am just a freak accident of a Mary Sue."
"How are you an accident?"
"Because I'm a male! If I were a female, I could at least pose to be Artemis's cousin, then intimidate and fall in love with him. Even if I did, two cousins having sex usually causes the baby to be deformed."
"Oh."
"But even his mock cousins are being delayed. Look."
Artemis's mansion stood near a hill. An impossibly long line of stunningly intelligent and beautiful criminal masterminds was waiting to enter. A blond haired wrestler was pushing them away.
"I am sorry!" She cried. "Artemis and Butler are not here now! Please go somewhere else! Be a new student at Hogwarts and fall in love with Draco, I don't care! Just go!"
"We are perfect. We can wait." Responded the cousins.
"Do you know where Artemis is?" Asked the BFW to the Dark Man.
"No. Alas, I do not. If I did maybe he could help me escape."
"Do you want to join us to find him?"
"Sure."
The trio kept on walking when they heard shouts and cries from another house.
"Get out! Out! OUT!" Sobbed a prepubescent girl to Artemis and Butler.
"You won the contest." Artemis sighed, manicuring his toenails. "I am by obligation to stay."
"I won a T-shirt and a book signed by Eoin Colfer! NOT a snotty Irish boy and his manservant!"
BFW nudged the Dark Man.
"I see." The three walked up the stairs.
"May we be of any assistance?"
"YES! Tell Artemis to move his incredibly fat ass to get out here!"
"You should be congratulating us." Coughed Artemis. "Recently Holly and I have crossed the boundaries of social order between fairies and humans and fell in love with each other like two second-graders frolicking in the mud. Isn't that right, poo?" He said to Holly. Holly giggled. She was wearing nothing but Artemis's T-shirt.
"Oh, Artemis!" She cried. "The baby just kicked!"
"Ho, ho, ho! FANTASTIC!" The two began passionately embracing.
"AAAAAGH!" Cried the girl, Shannon. She furiously pulled at her hair. "If I could only get away from this!"
"Care to join us?" Said the Dark Man. He had just looked away from Artemis and Holly, who had begun stripping each other. "We too are trying to escape."
"I'd be delighted too!" Turning around, she shouted to the two passionate lovers, "I'll see that you get eviction orders!"
Butler simply pulled down his pants and faced the team.
"My bum is in your lips! My bum is in your lips! Bend down and give it a little kiss!"
"Let's go." Said the Dark Man. "Queen Sue will not be happy."
"Queen Sue?" Asked the BFW. "Who's she?"
"Mary Sue," Began Shannon. "Is like an ominous figure who can take and create many forms. She is virtually indestructible. She cries diamonds. She is a great cook. Could hack into the CIA's computers at the age of three. Has an intelligence of 253. Is an expert fighter. Is able to make Artemis cry for his mommy with a single e-mail. Knows everything. Slit her wrists, cut her throat, and push her down the stairs. At the last second, true love will save her."
"Ouch." Said the LMW. "She sounds tough."
"She is. She's the one who guards the gateway."
There was a loud crashing sound as Artemis saw a car drive really fast. Kids were in the car, holding guns.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!
LMW grabbed his friends and pushed them out of the way.
BFW wiped sweat from his wrinkled, blubbery hide. "What were those kids doing with guns?"
"Every kid has a permit to own a gun." Said the Dark Man. "Its like a right."
"What is this twisted dimension?" BFW screamed.
"As I explained--,"
"I was being rhetorical, you dolt."
"Its horrible." Shannon muttered. "Every single kid who is in acquaintance with Artemis is a criminal mastermind. Whatever happened to normal kids?"
"You know. Queen Sue took out a special DNA-coded--"
"She was being rhetorical, you dolt."
"Stop making insulting me, or I'll see that you get permanently banned!"
"I'm already banned."
"Oh."
The LMW looked at Shannon. "Do you know where Queen Sue is?"
"In a castle. However, the key to enter is being hidden by a mystical wolf."
"Where is this wolf?"
"Right there." Shannon pointed a wolf in a booth that read 'STEP RIGHT UP! KILL THE MYSTICAL WOLF! TRY YOUR LUCK!'
The wolf grinned. "Come and get me, blubbercakes."
The Walrus took out a gun and pointed it between the wolf's head.
BLAM!
BLAM!
BLAM!
The wolf fell down, the crimson blood staining the snow. It got up, shakily. It was pissed off.
"You never should have done that, you bitch...now you will pay!!!"
With that it lunged at the blubbery mammal with a penchant for erotic fiction.
"NO!" Cried a voice behind the walrus. Suddenly, he was surrounded by a purple shield.
"What the--?"
He turned around. A cloaked figure stood there. Diamond tears ran down its cheeks.
"Why did you have to do that?" She sobbed, touching the wolf's head.
"Well, he called me blubbercakes!"
The stranger looked at the wolf. Then...
"Heal."
The group stared in amazement as brown sparks echoed from her fingertips. The blood began to stop flowing. Alas, the wound was too big, her magic too low and the wolf too old. The creature looked at her as its eyes began to glaze over. It fell to the ground with a whimper.
The creature disappeared in a blue mist.
All were silent.
The Dark Man opened his mouth to speak.
"Nifty!"
The cloaked stranger screamed in a rage and threw the sorcerer five feet away.
"Ouchies!"
Shannon now knew who this strange person was, but still asked anyway.
"Who are you?" She whispered.
The stranger pulled down her hood, revealing the face of a teenage girl. Her lips were pure red, her skin white as snow. Her eyes were like diamonds. Her hair was as black as night, so long it went down her back.
She ripped off her cloak, revealing a very sexy outfit. Everything that could be bared and still not be rated R was shown. She was slim and graceful. She was beautiful.
"I thought you'd never ask." She cackled. "Behold! I am the girl who can disable the CIA's computers at the mere age of three!
I am the girl who can intimidate Artemis Fowl with a simple e-mail threatening to disable his computer service!
I am the young wizard who moves into Gryffindor, and falls in love with Harry and redeems Snape!
I am the girl who ruins the protagonist's self-esteem, flirts with him, falls in love only to die tragically in his arms!
I am the creation of pimply girls who couldn't get a date with Quasimodo with a case of leprosy.
I am power.
I am legion.
I am...
MARY SUE!!!!!!!"
The Realm of Artemis FanFics
"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...uh, you can't fool me again."
~ George W. Bush
In another realm, the vortex opened. The inhabitants did not notice the friendly walrus and the mean walnut fall in.
"Where are we?" Muttered BFW.
"In the Realm of Artemis FanFics." Muttered a cloaked person. "I too have been banished here from my people."
"Where did you come from?" Asked LMW.
"The Realm of Stephen King. There, I was a great and powerful wizard. Here, I am just a freak accident of a Mary Sue."
"How are you an accident?"
"Because I'm a male! If I were a female, I could at least pose to be Artemis's cousin, then intimidate and fall in love with him. Even if I did, two cousins having sex usually causes the baby to be deformed."
"Oh."
"But even his mock cousins are being delayed. Look."
Artemis's mansion stood near a hill. An impossibly long line of stunningly intelligent and beautiful criminal masterminds was waiting to enter. A blond haired wrestler was pushing them away.
"I am sorry!" She cried. "Artemis and Butler are not here now! Please go somewhere else! Be a new student at Hogwarts and fall in love with Draco, I don't care! Just go!"
"We are perfect. We can wait." Responded the cousins.
"Do you know where Artemis is?" Asked the BFW to the Dark Man.
"No. Alas, I do not. If I did maybe he could help me escape."
"Do you want to join us to find him?"
"Sure."
The trio kept on walking when they heard shouts and cries from another house.
"Get out! Out! OUT!" Sobbed a prepubescent girl to Artemis and Butler.
"You won the contest." Artemis sighed, manicuring his toenails. "I am by obligation to stay."
"I won a T-shirt and a book signed by Eoin Colfer! NOT a snotty Irish boy and his manservant!"
BFW nudged the Dark Man.
"I see." The three walked up the stairs.
"May we be of any assistance?"
"YES! Tell Artemis to move his incredibly fat ass to get out here!"
"You should be congratulating us." Coughed Artemis. "Recently Holly and I have crossed the boundaries of social order between fairies and humans and fell in love with each other like two second-graders frolicking in the mud. Isn't that right, poo?" He said to Holly. Holly giggled. She was wearing nothing but Artemis's T-shirt.
"Oh, Artemis!" She cried. "The baby just kicked!"
"Ho, ho, ho! FANTASTIC!" The two began passionately embracing.
"AAAAAGH!" Cried the girl, Shannon. She furiously pulled at her hair. "If I could only get away from this!"
"Care to join us?" Said the Dark Man. He had just looked away from Artemis and Holly, who had begun stripping each other. "We too are trying to escape."
"I'd be delighted too!" Turning around, she shouted to the two passionate lovers, "I'll see that you get eviction orders!"
Butler simply pulled down his pants and faced the team.
"My bum is in your lips! My bum is in your lips! Bend down and give it a little kiss!"
"Let's go." Said the Dark Man. "Queen Sue will not be happy."
"Queen Sue?" Asked the BFW. "Who's she?"
"Mary Sue," Began Shannon. "Is like an ominous figure who can take and create many forms. She is virtually indestructible. She cries diamonds. She is a great cook. Could hack into the CIA's computers at the age of three. Has an intelligence of 253. Is an expert fighter. Is able to make Artemis cry for his mommy with a single e-mail. Knows everything. Slit her wrists, cut her throat, and push her down the stairs. At the last second, true love will save her."
"Ouch." Said the LMW. "She sounds tough."
"She is. She's the one who guards the gateway."
There was a loud crashing sound as Artemis saw a car drive really fast. Kids were in the car, holding guns.
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!
LMW grabbed his friends and pushed them out of the way.
BFW wiped sweat from his wrinkled, blubbery hide. "What were those kids doing with guns?"
"Every kid has a permit to own a gun." Said the Dark Man. "Its like a right."
"What is this twisted dimension?" BFW screamed.
"As I explained--,"
"I was being rhetorical, you dolt."
"Its horrible." Shannon muttered. "Every single kid who is in acquaintance with Artemis is a criminal mastermind. Whatever happened to normal kids?"
"You know. Queen Sue took out a special DNA-coded--"
"She was being rhetorical, you dolt."
"Stop making insulting me, or I'll see that you get permanently banned!"
"I'm already banned."
"Oh."
The LMW looked at Shannon. "Do you know where Queen Sue is?"
"In a castle. However, the key to enter is being hidden by a mystical wolf."
"Where is this wolf?"
"Right there." Shannon pointed a wolf in a booth that read 'STEP RIGHT UP! KILL THE MYSTICAL WOLF! TRY YOUR LUCK!'
The wolf grinned. "Come and get me, blubbercakes."
The Walrus took out a gun and pointed it between the wolf's head.
BLAM!
BLAM!
BLAM!
The wolf fell down, the crimson blood staining the snow. It got up, shakily. It was pissed off.
"You never should have done that, you bitch...now you will pay!!!"
With that it lunged at the blubbery mammal with a penchant for erotic fiction.
"NO!" Cried a voice behind the walrus. Suddenly, he was surrounded by a purple shield.
"What the--?"
He turned around. A cloaked figure stood there. Diamond tears ran down its cheeks.
"Why did you have to do that?" She sobbed, touching the wolf's head.
"Well, he called me blubbercakes!"
The stranger looked at the wolf. Then...
"Heal."
The group stared in amazement as brown sparks echoed from her fingertips. The blood began to stop flowing. Alas, the wound was too big, her magic too low and the wolf too old. The creature looked at her as its eyes began to glaze over. It fell to the ground with a whimper.
The creature disappeared in a blue mist.
All were silent.
The Dark Man opened his mouth to speak.
"Nifty!"
The cloaked stranger screamed in a rage and threw the sorcerer five feet away.
"Ouchies!"
Shannon now knew who this strange person was, but still asked anyway.
"Who are you?" She whispered.
The stranger pulled down her hood, revealing the face of a teenage girl. Her lips were pure red, her skin white as snow. Her eyes were like diamonds. Her hair was as black as night, so long it went down her back.
She ripped off her cloak, revealing a very sexy outfit. Everything that could be bared and still not be rated R was shown. She was slim and graceful. She was beautiful.
"I thought you'd never ask." She cackled. "Behold! I am the girl who can disable the CIA's computers at the mere age of three!
I am the girl who can intimidate Artemis Fowl with a simple e-mail threatening to disable his computer service!
I am the young wizard who moves into Gryffindor, and falls in love with Harry and redeems Snape!
I am the girl who ruins the protagonist's self-esteem, flirts with him, falls in love only to die tragically in his arms!
I am the creation of pimply girls who couldn't get a date with Quasimodo with a case of leprosy.
I am power.
I am legion.
I am...
MARY SUE!!!!!!!"
