Chapter 3
The Perfectionist
"The people...want a [leader] that appeals to the angels..."
~ George W. Bush
"Face me, human, if you dare!" Howled Mary Sue.
"Make my day." Said Shannon. "I have to clean Butler's underwear. You don't scare me. Not one bit."
"I SHOULD! I am so perfect, if you were to stand by me you would not seem as perfect as me!"
"What's the big deal?" Said the Dark Man. "No one's perfect. That's why everyone hates you. You're so unrealistic."
"Wise words coming from a mouth like yours, Gary Stu!"
"What makes you think I am perfect in terms of a demon? I wet the bed each night."
"Yeah," Said the Big Friendly Walrus. "What makes you so annoying is you are usually written to be a normal teen."
"SILENCE, BLUBBERY ONE!" She howled sending out a lightning bolt.
A portal opened from another dimension. An older Holly stepped out and was zapped by the lightning bolt.
"YEAAAARRRRGHHHH!" She cried.
In Another Universe...
Artemis lay in bed with his wife Juliet, staring at the ceiling. A thin line of whiskers covered his lower face.
He was remembering how in love he had been with Holly. However, they both knew that Juliet was the one meant for Artemis. They also knew if Artemis stopped this silly charade, the corny music would stop playing.
Angeline Fowl had once told Artemis some silly Michelle Branch song was playing in the background whenever she thought of Artemis Fowl senior. 'Song-fics' she had called them.
Artemis remembered how Juliet had sent letters to Artemis, saying how she sobbed in her pillows each night thinking of Artemis.
Artemis looked at Juliet. Ungrateful, melodramatic bitch.
DING-DONG!
Artemis got up and headed towards the door.
DING-DONG!
"Goddamit, I'm coming." He muttered. He staggered towards the door and opened it.
Julius Root stood there. Tears were streaming down his cheeks.
"Artemis, I'm sorry. Holly died saving a big, friendly walrus."
Artemis stared.
"She w-was planning in ninety years o-on m-musing on s-subject of your d- death while b-being pregnant with Captain Trouble's baby." He began crying.
"Thank you for coming." Artemis said stiffly.
Root nodded. He blew his nose with a loud honk. "The LEP's sympathies are with you."
Artemis closed the door.
"Who was that, honey?" Said Juliet coming down the stairs.
Goddam bitch, Artemis thought. She looks like goddam Anna Nicole Smith.
"Artemis?"
"You bitch...stealing me from Holly. If it weren't for you, she'd be alive."
"But Artemis, I love you!"
"Yeah, and you gained 200 pounds."
"Artemis!"
Artemis ran up the stairs and brought his fists into her mouth. Teeth flew out from jagged stumps.
"ARTE-MIIIIIIIIIIIIS!" She cried.
For the next five years Artemis went on a killing spree of fat women under the name of Aardvark Arty. His warped plan was to create a woman suit. The LEP managed to take him down with the help of a cannibalistic dwarf.
The said dwarf escaped by ripping off a guard's face and using it as his own. He then drugged a fairy and dined on Root's brain.
Back at the Realm...
Mary Sue gave a scream of rage and flung a lightning bolt at the Walrus again.
Another portal opened and Artemis stepped out. "Is this the Ghost Planet? Daddy? Where are you, Daddy? Daddy? Da-- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!"
Mary Sue took out another bolt and threw it.
Artemis came out of a portal. "Ho, ho! What a fine school full of rivals for me to--ARRRRRGH!"
In the next ten minutes, the snow was littered with dead Arties.
The Walrus grinned.
Mary Sue felt the energy ball form in her hand.
Nothing happened.
She threw at her house, causing the window to crash.
Nothing happened.
She threw one at the Walrus.
Suddenly a bright attractive girl with an abusive grandpa fell out.
"Hi, I'm Elizabeth! I like to-- YEAAAAH!!!!"
Mary Sue unleashed her full fury. A huge mass of fire flew from her hands at top speed.
A portal opened. The Olsen Twins stepped out.
"Oh, they're so CUTE!" Said the Dark Man.
"Hi!" They said in unison. "We're the Olsen Twins. We love going to foreign places to meet sexy foreign twins and solve foreign mysteries! That's all our career is lim-- AAAARGH!!!!"
"Enough games, Walrus." Mary Sue hissed, "We settle this as equals."
Using her telekinetic powers she crashed the Walrus into her house and went inside.
"We fight. Walrus against Perfectionist. Writer of erotic fiction that offends twelve year olds against a classic poet. Ugly, wrinkled blubber against creamy white skin. The Big Friendly Walrus against Mary Sue. We fight as equals. There are no Artemises to save you. No last minute sacrifices."
"Equal? To a Mary Sue? Gosh, am I impressed."
Mary Sue grabbed an axe from a rare suit of armor she had acquired in France.
"YEEARRRRGH!" She howled and swung the axe. It sliced at the blubber, but the skin was too wrinkly and tough to make a serious mark. The Walrus dodged out of the way in pain, and the axe slashed into the floor.
The Walrus sent his powerful flipper, and sent Mary Sue flying.
"Ugh!" She cried. "You shouldn't have done that." She ripped out an exotic painting of a nude monkey and bashed it against the walrus's head.
The walrus telepathically sent out plankton. They swarmed over Mary Sue.
"You shouldn't have made me look small..." He muttered. "You shouldn't have made me look small..."
"YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" She screamed. She turned her body to solid metal. The plankton slid off. Then, she made her metal melt off with the plankton.
"Now you've pissed me off." She breathed. She sent a powerful kick hurtling towards his skull. He ducked, and hit her in the lower abdomen with a flipper. "ACH!" She cried.
She did a deadly uppercut, sending the BFW flying. The Big Friendly Walrus looked up, dazed. Perfect.
She let loose a hail of deadly kicks and punches. Blood streamed out of the walrus's nose.
"You were a fool to think you can overcome Mary Sue." She grinned. She prepared to crack his ribs. "Destruction is imminent." She was about to jump on his chest when the walrus kicked his flipper up.
"Yaaaaaah!" She cried as she lost her balance and fell on the walrus's left tusk. There was a sickening crunch as it burrowed through her chest and went up through her back. "Hak!"
With a failing strength, she pressed her palms against the floor and struggled to get up. The tusk was like a splinter; as much as she tried to get it out, it went deeper.
"Ugh..." She moaned and finally wrenched free. She landed on the floor with a thud. "It's...not as bad as it...looks..." She grinned.
The walrus said nothing. He tried wiping the blood from his tusk, but it left a rusty color.
"Huhhk..." She coughed up blood. Crimson droplets dribbled from her mouth. "Its...too bad that...you didn't...have a more...public forum."
Ron Weasley ran in. "Hi, Mary! Thanks for saving Hogwarts from...YOU BLOODY MURDERER!" He cried upon seeing the ghastly sight.
"Its not what it looks like!" The Big Friendly Walrus tried saying, but the wizard was gone.
"Hee hee hee!" Mary Sue chuckled. "You're...going to be a-a big...hit with my followers. Hee!"
Mary Sue tried to stand up. She staggered over to a spot near her enemy. "I'll...see you in...huk...Hell."
The new hobbit to join Frodo on his quest, the new student at Gryffindor, the elusive criminal mastermind that falls in love with Artemis and knows about fairies even that you'd rather have your genitals nibbled by monkeys from China than accomplish such a feat, the new Gunslinger, the only person who could save Spider-Man fell to the floor with a thump.
Mary Sue was dead.
The Perfectionist
"The people...want a [leader] that appeals to the angels..."
~ George W. Bush
"Face me, human, if you dare!" Howled Mary Sue.
"Make my day." Said Shannon. "I have to clean Butler's underwear. You don't scare me. Not one bit."
"I SHOULD! I am so perfect, if you were to stand by me you would not seem as perfect as me!"
"What's the big deal?" Said the Dark Man. "No one's perfect. That's why everyone hates you. You're so unrealistic."
"Wise words coming from a mouth like yours, Gary Stu!"
"What makes you think I am perfect in terms of a demon? I wet the bed each night."
"Yeah," Said the Big Friendly Walrus. "What makes you so annoying is you are usually written to be a normal teen."
"SILENCE, BLUBBERY ONE!" She howled sending out a lightning bolt.
A portal opened from another dimension. An older Holly stepped out and was zapped by the lightning bolt.
"YEAAAARRRRGHHHH!" She cried.
In Another Universe...
Artemis lay in bed with his wife Juliet, staring at the ceiling. A thin line of whiskers covered his lower face.
He was remembering how in love he had been with Holly. However, they both knew that Juliet was the one meant for Artemis. They also knew if Artemis stopped this silly charade, the corny music would stop playing.
Angeline Fowl had once told Artemis some silly Michelle Branch song was playing in the background whenever she thought of Artemis Fowl senior. 'Song-fics' she had called them.
Artemis remembered how Juliet had sent letters to Artemis, saying how she sobbed in her pillows each night thinking of Artemis.
Artemis looked at Juliet. Ungrateful, melodramatic bitch.
DING-DONG!
Artemis got up and headed towards the door.
DING-DONG!
"Goddamit, I'm coming." He muttered. He staggered towards the door and opened it.
Julius Root stood there. Tears were streaming down his cheeks.
"Artemis, I'm sorry. Holly died saving a big, friendly walrus."
Artemis stared.
"She w-was planning in ninety years o-on m-musing on s-subject of your d- death while b-being pregnant with Captain Trouble's baby." He began crying.
"Thank you for coming." Artemis said stiffly.
Root nodded. He blew his nose with a loud honk. "The LEP's sympathies are with you."
Artemis closed the door.
"Who was that, honey?" Said Juliet coming down the stairs.
Goddam bitch, Artemis thought. She looks like goddam Anna Nicole Smith.
"Artemis?"
"You bitch...stealing me from Holly. If it weren't for you, she'd be alive."
"But Artemis, I love you!"
"Yeah, and you gained 200 pounds."
"Artemis!"
Artemis ran up the stairs and brought his fists into her mouth. Teeth flew out from jagged stumps.
"ARTE-MIIIIIIIIIIIIS!" She cried.
For the next five years Artemis went on a killing spree of fat women under the name of Aardvark Arty. His warped plan was to create a woman suit. The LEP managed to take him down with the help of a cannibalistic dwarf.
The said dwarf escaped by ripping off a guard's face and using it as his own. He then drugged a fairy and dined on Root's brain.
Back at the Realm...
Mary Sue gave a scream of rage and flung a lightning bolt at the Walrus again.
Another portal opened and Artemis stepped out. "Is this the Ghost Planet? Daddy? Where are you, Daddy? Daddy? Da-- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!"
Mary Sue took out another bolt and threw it.
Artemis came out of a portal. "Ho, ho! What a fine school full of rivals for me to--ARRRRRGH!"
In the next ten minutes, the snow was littered with dead Arties.
The Walrus grinned.
Mary Sue felt the energy ball form in her hand.
Nothing happened.
She threw at her house, causing the window to crash.
Nothing happened.
She threw one at the Walrus.
Suddenly a bright attractive girl with an abusive grandpa fell out.
"Hi, I'm Elizabeth! I like to-- YEAAAAH!!!!"
Mary Sue unleashed her full fury. A huge mass of fire flew from her hands at top speed.
A portal opened. The Olsen Twins stepped out.
"Oh, they're so CUTE!" Said the Dark Man.
"Hi!" They said in unison. "We're the Olsen Twins. We love going to foreign places to meet sexy foreign twins and solve foreign mysteries! That's all our career is lim-- AAAARGH!!!!"
"Enough games, Walrus." Mary Sue hissed, "We settle this as equals."
Using her telekinetic powers she crashed the Walrus into her house and went inside.
"We fight. Walrus against Perfectionist. Writer of erotic fiction that offends twelve year olds against a classic poet. Ugly, wrinkled blubber against creamy white skin. The Big Friendly Walrus against Mary Sue. We fight as equals. There are no Artemises to save you. No last minute sacrifices."
"Equal? To a Mary Sue? Gosh, am I impressed."
Mary Sue grabbed an axe from a rare suit of armor she had acquired in France.
"YEEARRRRGH!" She howled and swung the axe. It sliced at the blubber, but the skin was too wrinkly and tough to make a serious mark. The Walrus dodged out of the way in pain, and the axe slashed into the floor.
The Walrus sent his powerful flipper, and sent Mary Sue flying.
"Ugh!" She cried. "You shouldn't have done that." She ripped out an exotic painting of a nude monkey and bashed it against the walrus's head.
The walrus telepathically sent out plankton. They swarmed over Mary Sue.
"You shouldn't have made me look small..." He muttered. "You shouldn't have made me look small..."
"YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" She screamed. She turned her body to solid metal. The plankton slid off. Then, she made her metal melt off with the plankton.
"Now you've pissed me off." She breathed. She sent a powerful kick hurtling towards his skull. He ducked, and hit her in the lower abdomen with a flipper. "ACH!" She cried.
She did a deadly uppercut, sending the BFW flying. The Big Friendly Walrus looked up, dazed. Perfect.
She let loose a hail of deadly kicks and punches. Blood streamed out of the walrus's nose.
"You were a fool to think you can overcome Mary Sue." She grinned. She prepared to crack his ribs. "Destruction is imminent." She was about to jump on his chest when the walrus kicked his flipper up.
"Yaaaaaah!" She cried as she lost her balance and fell on the walrus's left tusk. There was a sickening crunch as it burrowed through her chest and went up through her back. "Hak!"
With a failing strength, she pressed her palms against the floor and struggled to get up. The tusk was like a splinter; as much as she tried to get it out, it went deeper.
"Ugh..." She moaned and finally wrenched free. She landed on the floor with a thud. "It's...not as bad as it...looks..." She grinned.
The walrus said nothing. He tried wiping the blood from his tusk, but it left a rusty color.
"Huhhk..." She coughed up blood. Crimson droplets dribbled from her mouth. "Its...too bad that...you didn't...have a more...public forum."
Ron Weasley ran in. "Hi, Mary! Thanks for saving Hogwarts from...YOU BLOODY MURDERER!" He cried upon seeing the ghastly sight.
"Its not what it looks like!" The Big Friendly Walrus tried saying, but the wizard was gone.
"Hee hee hee!" Mary Sue chuckled. "You're...going to be a-a big...hit with my followers. Hee!"
Mary Sue tried to stand up. She staggered over to a spot near her enemy. "I'll...see you in...huk...Hell."
The new hobbit to join Frodo on his quest, the new student at Gryffindor, the elusive criminal mastermind that falls in love with Artemis and knows about fairies even that you'd rather have your genitals nibbled by monkeys from China than accomplish such a feat, the new Gunslinger, the only person who could save Spider-Man fell to the floor with a thump.
Mary Sue was dead.
