Chapter 5

The Rickmaniacs

"Zexual repression-- zis is a terrible zing....."

~Frank Miller, The Dark Night Returns

AREA 51...CHAT ROOM SESSION # 561373

Area 51 Files...

...processing...

logging on...

Rickmaniac Chat Transcripts

Password?

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Welcome, Spooky_Agent_Guy2000!

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I'm bored says:

Big Friendly Walrus 2002-07-22 1 Signed

Hey, Gumlick The Rickman-addicted asshole! Do you expect all your reviews to be compliments? You need to learn to take criticism. And I read your story .... It sucks.



**

I'm bored says:

!!!!!!!!!!

I'm bored says:

HE STOLE THAT

I'm bored says:

FUCKER

I'm bored says:

KILL KILL KILL

Gumlick says:

he stole what??

I'm bored says:

hold

Gumlick says:

what does he mean i need to take criticism??

Gumlick says:

like i care what he says

I'm bored says:

noo... hold on

I'm bored says:

Big Friendly Walrus 2002-07-22 1 Signed

Hey, Gumlick The Rickman-addicted asshole! Do you expect all your reviews to be compliments? You need to learn to take criticism. And I read your story... It sucks.

I'm bored says:

Wait

I'm bored says:

READERS NOTICE: As you can see, Big Friendly Walrus has been flaming me, because I flamed his ficcy, or personally insulted him. Read his stories for yourself, maybe you agree with me, maybe you don't, but his reviews count as nada. LOL I know, it sounds immature, but... Hey, its war between us. Everyone! Peace out! ^_^ R and R is good~!

I'm bored says:

AznAngel4u

I'm bored says:

they flamed big friendly walrus

Gumlick says:

Hehehe

I'm bored says:

and now big friendly walrus flames them

I'm bored says:

big friendly walrus flames everyone who has flamed him

Gumlick says:

big antisocial asshole??

I'm bored says:

i'll show u

Gumlick says:

cos they haf no life

Gumlick says:

bah

Gumlick says:

go flame that son of a bitch again

I'm bored says:

AR Hater 2002-07-21 1 Signed

Hmmm... this isn't about the story. But my friends and Big Friendly Fucker are in a "war" too... It seems that Big Friendly Fucker isnt too good with positive social interaction.

Gumlick says:

hahaha!

I'm bored says:

AR Hater 2002-07-21 1 Signed

Oh, now this is amusing... ANOTHER story that Big Friendly Fucker has flamed, because he can't take a little criticism... Get a life.

Spooky_Agent_Guy2000: Case File: Classic example of pot calling the kettle black.

Gumlick says:

yah...big antisocial asshole needs a life.

**

I'm bored says:

but i KNOW i said that...

I'm bored says:

in a review...

I'm bored says:

Somewhere

Gumlick says:

haha

I'm bored says:

i know!

I'm bored says:

hold on

Gumlick says:

mmk

I'm bored says:

i reviewed CoS!

I'm bored says:

and that was in it!

I'm bored says:

AR Hater 2002-07-21 10 Signed

Big Friendly Fucker, Woops, I mean Walrus-- You are really messed up. "If it's such a big deal to her warped mind," It's not a big deal. That's why she only reviewed once. Do you expect all your reviews to be compliments? You need to learn to take criticism. And I read your story... It sucks. Oh, and if you flame there story one more time... you will pay.

Spooky_Agent_Guy2000: Case File: When Subject Walrus informed Subject AR Hater that she didn't know his IP Number, AR Hater responded that he/she could get his IP if he weren't such a 'pussy'.

I'm bored says:

Ya

Gumlick says:

hahah!

I'm bored says:

i'm gonna get his AIM or MSN and i'm gonna get one of my friends to send him a virus

Spooky_Agent_Guy2000: Case File: It should be noted that except for the FBI, whom had hacked into his computer because he was linked in a child pornography case, there has been no said attempts to hack into his files or send him said virus

Gumlick says:

what a dick head has to copy other peoples reviews at a sad attempt to try and flame

**

I'm bored says:

My god...

Gumlick says:

wat??

I'm bored says:

he has reviewed EVERY FRIGGIN STORY ON THE PLANET

Gumlick says:

i know

I'm bored says:

he even reviewed mountain lion on a rock

Gumlick says:

all of mine for some reason

Gumlick says:

what a retard

Spooky_Agent_Guy2000: Case File: Making fun of the mentally retarded is not funny. Spanking a baboon is.

**

Gumlick says:

i typed in the search field: big friendly fucker n it came up with big friendly walrus hehehe

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Spooky_Agent_Guy2000 has logged off...

A man wearing a dark coat, a man that was known only to the public as 'Spooky_Agent_Guy2000', stepped out of chair that was facing a computer.

He took out a handkerchief and wiped his brow. "Its best if the public doesn't know about this...but God, why do so many people like this 'Alan Rickman' guy? Sheesh!"

"You want someone who hates Alan Rickman?" Said someone else in the room.

'Spooky_Agent_Guy2000' looked around the room. "Who's there?"

"You want someone who fantasizes about gang-raping Alan Rickman?"

"How did...how did you get in here? W-who a-are y-you?"

A dark figure stepped out from the shadows. "AR Hater."

The figure pulled out a gun. "Sayonara, sweetie pie."

BLAM!

'Spooky_Agent_Guy2000' slumped forward onto the keyboard. His beaten head crashed onto the separate keys, accidentally typing in the secret code to access the Big Friendly Walrus's original stories before he was banned because of Princess Karita.

AR Hater did not know this, nor did she know of the sinister entity frozen in a cryogenic pod a couple of feet away from her.

"Victory." She grinned, and blew the smoke from her gun.

Due to the hypersensitive venting ducts, the smoke increased and wafted over to the cryogenic tube. The ice began to melt into a sloppy sphere of slushy snow.

A hand reached out from the mess. Another hand reached out, causing a huge column of ice to fall out.

Out stepped a teenage girl, one of the Big Friendly Walrus's enemies before he was banned. She was kidnapped by Area 51 soon after.

She took out a comb and washed away the ice. We get a brief glimpse of her shirt.

It reads 'NANASHI'S GIRL'. It's almost like its one a set, and the other shirts would read 'NANASHI'S BOY', 'NANASHI'S HUSBAND', 'NANASHI'S PIMP' and so on.

AR Hater did not register this. She stole a brief glance at the computer screen. Blood was seeping into the keyboards. The screen read 'FanFiction.net Profile: Big Friendly Walrus'.

"ur so dumb and fuckin crazy i swear" Intoned a voice behind her.

Several pounds of ice and snow showered over her, giving her brain freeze.

"YEAAARRRRRGH!" Screamed AR Hater as the snow entered her mouth. "CURSE YOU, ALAN RICKMAN!!!! CUUUUUUUURRSSSSSE YYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

Nanashi's Girl pushed away 'Spooky_Agent_Guy2000''s limp body and sat on the computer. She stared at the screen with a dull glare. Drool dribbled down her mouth. It splashed onto the computer. It gave her a brief surge but she didn't take notice.

It took her approximately 10 minutes to recognize a name.

Big Friendly Walrus.

Nanashi's girl pulled at her hair in a mad rage.

"y r ur stories so short?" She asked to the blank computer. "and so bleeding crap?"

"speakin of bleeding" She thought, and pulled a gun and blasted away the computer. Crap bled from the cracked screen.

"hahahah" She cackled.

She stepped over the two dead bodies and walked off to find the Big Friendly Walrus.

Behind her, the computer had a large, fizzing hole. No crap bled from its wound however. It was all in her mind.



Away from this horrible massacre, in the middle of the forest our heroes had recently discovered a monument dedicated to an actor called Alan Rickman.

"Oh...my God." Muttered the Big Friendly Walrus. "We're in Rickmaniac territory."

"Rickmaniac territory?" Asked Shannon. "What's that?"

The Big Friendly Walrus looked at the girl. "Have you ever heard of an actor called Alan Rickman?"

"Yes, he was that greasy guy who portrayed Professor Snape in the Harry Potter films."

"Well, that's him." He pointed towards the statue of Alan Rickman. He had greasy black hair and a snarl on his face. In his right hand he held a wand.

The Big Friendly Walrus and gang stared in silence.

The Big Friendly Walrus turned to the group. "Now, imagine a bunch of teenage girls slobbering all over this guy.

"I don't get it." Shannon said. "Why would Christopher Columbus hire someone who's so handsome to the role of Snape. I mean, I know he fucked up with Ron, Fred and George and will probably fuck up the whole franchise, but this is ridiculous!"

"That's the thing. He isn't."

"So why do they all like him?"

A dart hit Shannon in the neck. "Gloooooggggg!" She gurgled and fell to the ground.

Another dart hit the Walnut in the shell. "Eeaaaah!" He gasped and fell to the ground.

A third dart hit the Dark Man in the neck. "Ouchies!" He cried and fell to the ground.

The Big Friendly Walrus looked over his shoulder to see a crowd of what looked like a bunch of Amazons.

"Big Friendly Fucker, I presume." Said the leader, a girl with green and silver nails.

"Hello, Gumlick." The Walrus said through baited breath. "A lovely sculpture you have up there."

"Yes?" She said. "It is lovely. But not as lovely as the great Alan Rickman."

"ALL HAIL ALAN RICKMAN!" Cried her fellow Rickmaniacs. "HAIL RICKMAN! HAIL RICKMAN! HAIL RICKMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" This was followed by several warrior cries.

The chanting stopped.

"Now," Said Gumlick looking at her nifty nails. "What brings you here?"

"Would you believe a key from the dress of a dead woman with really big breasts with the help of an overweight man with pink hair and nothing but his underwear on?"

"Hmmmm...probably."

"Okay, then." He turned towards his friends who were just waking up and was about to leave when Gumlick held up a hand.

"And where do you think YOU'RE going?"

"Home, I think."

Back at FanFiction.net, Princess Karita sat in her throne.

Various messengers ran up to her.

"Princess Karita, ma'am--"

"--can we speak--"

"--friendly walrus--"

In short, the messengers were telling her that ever since she the Big Friendly Walrus was banned, Mary Sues were popping up like wild. (Although she was dead, her legacy lived on.) There was also a recent outbreak of cracking of codes that were already cracked.

The reason they thought was that without the much hated but much deserved critiques from the Big Friendly Walrus ('flames zat you could roast marshmallows over' the Blue Yeti liked to say) bad writers could run amok.

"Why should I waste time over such silly matters?" Princess Karita said. "Ja."

The Rickmaniacs surrounded the Big Friendly Walrus and his gang.

"You should have never come here." Snarled Gumlick.

"It's not like we had a choice."

"Do you think Alan Rickman had a choice to be, like, the SEXIEST man alive? No."

"What's with all the Alan Rickman references?" Asked the Little Mean Walnut.

All the Rickmaniacs looked at each other like had told them that baboons fucked the mothers in a giant's pubic area.

"Why, you ask? You DARE question Alan Rickman's almighty power?! SEIZE THEM!"

Alan Rickman's stone face was oblivious to all of this.

Princess Karita drove her pretty pink car to a certain building. She walked up a certain pair of stairs and went inside a certain door.

"Ah, come in." Said a heavily accented voice. This was followed by a bloody scream as a severed leg rolled out into the hallway.

The Big Friendly Walrus and co were tied to a flaming tree.

Several masked Rickman worshippers darted around the tree. "Rickman! Rickman! Rickman!"

"Now what do we do?" Whined Shannon.

The Dark Man turned to Gumlick. "Hey, Gumlick. How long do you plan on keeping us here?"

"When your soles are crispy! When your legs are burnt! When your torso is medium rare! When your head is on fire! WHEN YOU DIE!"

"Okie-dokie." The Dark Man said cheerfully.

"Can't we make an, er, agreement?" Pleaded the Walrus.

Gumlick looked at him. "Speak."

Princess Karita walked inside the room. The Blue Yeti sat on a chair, and appeared to be kissing a human head. She walked closer to see the beast was really pulling on the head's tongue. With a loud snap, it fell out. The Blue Yeti slobbered it up. It chewed on it as it were a tasty piece of asparagus. Drool slobbered down its teeth.

"Tongue, zee livery treat that just can't be beat!" It said, looking at her horrified expression of disgust. "How may I help you?"

The Big Friendly Walrus sat by the center of the campfire. In his hands was a large stack of papers. He still had some original manuscripts from his original run. In his hands now he read his only 'Spider-Man' piece, ' Of Goblins and Spiders'.

"Norman Osborn beckoned the young Peter Parker across his large room. His hands softly caressed the teenager's bottoms." The Big Friendly Walrus read. "'How are we today?' Norman purred."

"EEEE! EEEE!" The monkeys from the trees screamed. A banana coated with a sticky substance dropped from above and fell with a splat on Shannon's head.

The Rickmaniacs howled with laughter at this strange story. How perverted, yet so funny!

The Walrus got to the part about Peter barking like a dog. More banana sex toys fell from the trees, and the Rickmaniacs kept on laughing.

"'You paralyzed Peter!' Harry said. 'You knew your Goblin dick was only meant for me!' 'I'm sorry. It was just that the plump, white meat was so...so...SEDUCING!'"

"EEEEEEEEEE!" Screamed the horny monkeys and more bananas were dropped. "what the hell?" Screeched a voice from the woods. "i saw SPIDER-MAN yesterday! peopple don't do that! Like a 40 yr old Norman doesnt do that to a 15 year old Peter! YOU ARE THE BABBOON ON DEPRESSANTS!"

An arrow screamed through the air landed in a tree stump a couple of inches above the Walrus's forehead.

"Who dares?!" Screeched Gumlick raising her sword (autographed by Alan Rickman! Nifty!) and pointing it towards the woods. "Show yourself!"

Nanashi's Girl stepped out. "it is i." She said.

"Why can't you speak in normal grammar?"

"you dare insult me" She screeched. More arrows flew from her bow.

"Oh god." The Big Friendly Walrus. "Not her. Not now."

Nanashi's Girl kicked a tree. Hard.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Screeched the angry monkeys. Thousands of bananas covered with monkey semen thundered towards the ground. The Rickmaniacs covered themselves against the deadly hail.

"face me now" Said Nanashi's Girl. "you dont know what cryogenic freezing does to your patience!"

Shannon saw the dreaded illiterate flamer about to kick the tree again. No. Not on her life. Not on her jacket. Her jacket was specially made, and one of a kind. No ape ejaculate was going to cover that.

She jumped on Nanashi's Girl. She made a feeble attempt to kick anyway, but with Shannon on top of her it barely wobbled.

"This! Jacket! Is! Signed! By! Eoin! Colfer!" She cried. She smacked Nanashi's Girl across the face. Blood flew out of her mouth."Who's my name, bitch?"

"that jacket rox" Nanashi's Girl said. "but wait theres more. that jacket rox but you dun" With a kick, Shannon went crashing into a tree.

The Rickmaniacs began throwing spears at Nanashi's Girl.

"eeaaaaaaaagh" She cried.

The Dark Man summoned the mystical powers of Gary Stu.

"Unngggh..." He struggled, trying to tap into the mystical powers. "Give...me...the POWER!"

There was a loud 'phbbttt'.

"Oops." He said blushing.

Nanashi's Girl staggered over to the Walrus.

"you cant write no stories without swearing or sex in it!" She screamed and head-butted him.

With a kick of a flipper, he slapped her face. "Is that bad?" He asked. She hit the tree.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Bananas splattered onto the ground.

Nanashi's Girl lost her footing and fell onto the ground. She tried to get up, but the sticky monkey love fluids kept her glued to the ground.

"Eeerrrgghhhh..." She growled. "You will pay dearly."

Gumlick took a pitchfork and dug into the ground underneath Nanashi's Girl. She flipped it up, causing the glued girl, ground and all to fly into the air.

Alan Rickman's giant monument stood tall in the air, massive and proud. He held up a giant wand in triumph.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Nanashi's Girl cried. "EEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

She fell onto the wand. It ripped through her chest and out of her back. She lay impaled on the wand like a trophy.

The tree above it began shaking as monkeys jumped from the branches and onto Nanashi's Girl's body, swarming over her body like a fearsome carpet..

"EEEEEEEEEEEE!" They all screamed, their monkey tails moving in furious anticipation. Bananas fell from the tree in clumps.

Princess Karita sat on the psychiatrist's couch.

"Ah," Said the Blue Yeti. "Zee thing is zat even though zee Big Friendly Walrus's stories were zick and twizted, his reviewz were funny. A lot of people were mad at you." It took out a rib and began picking the eyeball jelly from its teeth.

"Anuzzer thing is your screen name."

"What about it? Ja."

"It gives makez your ego zound beeg. How about a different name, like Karita-chan?"

"Karita-chan? You think that it will work?"

The Blue Yeti grinned, showing its bloody teeth. Bits of bone fragment were stuck between some molars. "I know it vill."