Chapter 6

Apocalypse Now

"Need...brains..."

~ A (a) flesh eating zombie, or (b) someone who writes Mary Sues

Using the metal plate from Nanashi's Girl's monkey-eaten skull and some sticky bananas, the Rickmaniacs were able to develop a very small TV.

Using a piece of bone fragment, Gumlick turned it on. Everyone rushed to see it.

"Get out of the way!"

"Ouchies!"

"Get your fucked up hands off my jacket!"

"In the name of Alan Rickman, I request you to let me see!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"AHHH! Monkey semen all over my hair!"

"HOLD IT!" Screamed Gumlick. "Let's try to make a bigger screen."

"How are we going to do that?"

"The same way Opal Kaboi could escape from a maximum security cell from Howler's Peak with an air vent. With a plot hole!"

Shannon looked up into the sky and prayed "Oh mighty Plot Hole Man, if you are listening please make the TV grow bigger."

SHOOM-BACKA-WOOMY-SCOOBY-DOO!

There was a loud thundering as the TV grew the size of a movie theater screen in seconds.

"Nifty!"

With the TV big enough all to see, everyone shut up.

The screen read in flashing letters 'BREAKING FAN FICTION NEWS'.

It cut to a stern faced woman staring at the screen.

"Uh...could you hold those flash cards a bit closer? I, ah, can't really see it."

"We're on the air!" Hissed a voice outside the camera's view.

"Oh." She said, her face going a bit red. "Ah, um, today's opinion segment is how, ah, the FanFiction.net, ah, thinks of the Big Friendly Walrus being banned."

"This should be interesting, sir." Said the Little Mean Walnut.

"First up," The reporter said. "MSWOA: The Mary Sue Writers of America."

The screen cut to a group of pimply teenage girls.

"What do we think of him being banned?" Said one girl with buckteeth. "GOOD RIDDANCE!"

"Yeth," Said a girl spraying spit into the camera. "He alwayth inthulted our thtorieth!"

"I LIKE cliched plots and happy endings!" Snarled one writer. "It's much to risky to try something new."

"Besides, what's the fun in having Artemis interact with normal people? We can't do that! It's- it's- IT'S TOO ORIGINAL!"

One girl began sobbing. "Our fragile egos couldn't take all the mean reviews he gave us! I mean, why should there be negative reviews? His opinions aren't ours, so we don't want to hear them. WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Uh, that doesn't mean we can't personally attack his family, persuade him to commit suicide, or tell him to burn in flames."

"So," The reporter said wiping spit off her face. "Basically you're saying you hated this Walrus character because he critiqued your Mary Sues, yet you threaten to kill him in his review sections?"

"That's right! GIRL POWER!"

The screen cut back to the original reporter. "Next up is the SMOWA: The Slightly More Original Writers of America."

It cut to a bunch of bored looking teens.

"We don't give a flying fuck if a writer is banned because he satires something." They said in unison. "We do care if baboons are being sexually molested by first grade teachers. SAVE THE BABOONS!"

"Uh...next up is the Blue Yeti, one of FanFiction's most respected, yet most savage, doctor."

The Blue Yeti stood in front of the camera, casually gnawing on a foot. It looked up and realized he was being recorded and threw the foot away a bit nervously.

"Ah," It said. "Zee Walruz, yez?" It paused for a moment. "Vell....hiz storiez make me laff. Ha ha ha! I think I am goeng inzane."

It looked at the camera menacingly. "Mr. Walruz, if for some freak reason you managed to get a TV working in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of zavagez, let me tell you zis. All that praize I have given you HAZ GONE TO YUR HEAD! You are now insane! INSANE, I TELL YOU!" It screamed in a mad rage and began slashing up the walls with its sharp claws. "Zomeone give me zome head!"

"Don't argue with it." The cameraman whispered. "Do it!"

A man walked across the room while erotic porn music played in the background.

"Why, hello, my darling." He purred and unzipped his pants and took off his shirt. His bare ass faced the camera.

"Am I going to get zome head or vhat?" The Blue Yeti growled.

"Of course." The man said and bent down toward the creature's pubic area. "Most delicious, I hope."

SLASH! RIP! CRACK!

The man's head flew off with one swipe of the Yeti's claw. It picked it up as if reciting a sonnet.

"Yez, I hope it iz deliciouz."

Its mouth opened wider and wider as the head was squeezed in. With powerful strength, it shut its mouth with a clamp. The teeth sank through the skull, spraying bone fragments through the air. One went right through the cameraman's eye and right into his brain.

The reporter now looked a bit uneasy. "Now its time for a special guest. Eric Barger of his own web page, EricBarger.com!"

An overweight man sat in a chair. He had a thick, rat-like mustache. "Hello." He said. "How is God helping us through these tough times?"

"Well, I feel bloated, I have cramps in my upper thighs areas, and there's a pimple the size of a walnut on my ass."

"Have you been blasphemous to the Lord?"

"Not really. But let's get to the interviewing, ok?"

"Sure thing."

"How do you think of the Big Friendly Walrus being banned?"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Did he read Harry Potter by any chance?"

"I think he did, yes."

"THEN HIS BANNING WAS AN ACT FROM THY LORD!" Eric screamed, spittle flying from his mouth. "FOR THE LORD SAYETH IN CHAPTER -10, VERSE 3.2, READING HARRY POTTER WILL SEND YOU TO A LAKE OF FIRE!" Eric Barger's face was all red, and he began breathing hard.

"Most of the FanFiction.net population read Harry Potter."

"THEN THEY TOO SHALL BE CAST INTO ETERNAL FIRE, FOR THE LORD SAYETH IN CHAPTER -484, THOSE AT FANFICTION.NET WHO READ HARRY POTTER SHALL BE DAMNED AND DAMNED HARD!"

"Er...thanks for your time, Mr. Barger."

The window opened and two machine guns slid inside.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Several bullets blasted into the two people. Eric Barger flew backwards on his seat, crashing into the window. Several shards of glass plunged into all the sensitive parts of his body, giving him excruciating pain.

"Why has thou God...forsaken...me?" He said, coughing up blood and reaching his hand to the sky.

BECAUSE THOU GOD IS TIRED OF YOUR PANSY ASS BULLSHIT HABIT OF LOOKING INTO THE HOLY BIBLE AND FINDING EVIDENCE THAT IS NOT THERE, said a disembodied voice.

Eric Barger's eyes glazed over as Death took him in his icy grasp (his grasp was icy because he stuck his hands in the refrigerator looking for those damned ice cubes!). His head lolled to one side.

The interviewer tried clawing the bullets out of his throat.

"HUK!" He gurgled and fell to the floor. He tried crawling away when more bullets blasted into him. Blood sprayed on the door.

A figure pointed a gun at the cameraman's head. "Don't. Cancel. The. Transmission."

The Big Friendly Walrus gasped as a silhouetted face filled the screen.

"Your cities are not safe. Your houses aren't safe. Your bathrooms aren't safe, unless you use triple-ply toilet paper. It's the fixer-upper!" The figure said. "This FanFiction.net belongs to the Cult of Wonka. FEAR WONKA!" The figure took out a blade and sent it hurtling toward the camera. The cameraman let out a cry as the blade sliced through his skin and into his bone.

The Big Friendly Walrus looked at his comrades. The screen shattered into tiny bits of glass. They flew and hit the trees.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Several bananas hit the ground, but no one paid attention.

Gumlick looked at the Walrus. "You must leave to save your people."

"Wait a sec, where's my key?"

"I thought you had it." Said Gumlick.

"That's great. Now we're stranded in the middle of nowhere."

"Its not nowhere!" Said a Rickmaniac. "Its SOMEWHERE! We called it Rickmanopolis!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Something hard, shiny and sticky hit Shannon in the head.

"Ouch!"

She peeled off the object. Monkey love syrup clung to her trembling fingers.

"THE KEY!" She cried. "I found it!"

"Yay!" Said the Dark Man, clapping his hands.

A monkey swung from a branch swung upside down and jumped on the grass.

In one hand she held a banana which was being roughly forced into her vagina.

In the other hand was a syringe filled with depressants that were being jammed into her wrist.

"Rognaldr...won't..." She shuddered from the drug's affects. "...let you...l-l-leave." She spoke of herself in the third person. "Rognaldr's gun toting...school children...will put you to an e-end."

A school bus came out from the middle of nowhere. The doors opened and a bus driver with half his head blown off fell out.

Several children holding guns got out.

"We are criminal masterminds in alliance with Artemis." They said. "Prepare to die."

"Wait a sec...." Shannon said. "If Artemis was so unique, why does he run into so many criminal masterminds?"

"It is a plot hole, you fool."

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

"GET DOWN!" Screamed Gumlick. Bullets flew by as the kids progressed.

"Why the hell do they have guns?!" Shannon screamed.

"Y-y-you have to remember that t-this is Artemis we're talking about." Said Rognaldr.

"So because he does illegal smuggling means he is armed with rifles? Anyone remember Columbine?"

"YOU FOOL! WE ARE NOT ANYONE! WE ARE PERFECT! TOO PERFECT! We would never goof up! We only kill teachers."

The butt of the gun hit Shannon's head.

"AGH!"

The Rickmaniacs threw their spears at the schoolchildren.

"Guns are a coward's weapons." Gumlick sneered. "It made killing easy."

The children screamed as the spears entered one's mouth, exploding the back and spearing the throat.

"Not gonna let them win." They snarled blasting at them, and only hitting trees.

"EEEEE!"

Gooey bananas splattered onto the ground.

"What is this substance?" Snarled the kids trying to pull free of the gunk.

"Monkey semen!"

They were stuck, and dropped the guns trying to pull their foots out.

"FIRE!" Spears flew at a rapid pace ripping through the school children like bread and butter.

"C-c-can't let them win..." Moaned Rognaldr. "The d-depressants are wearing off...b-burning...MORE! I need MORE!"

The monkey grabbed several needles and jammed them into its throat.

"M-M-MOOOOORE! MOOOORE!" It screamed as the depressants unlocked a powerful DNA code.

It began to shake and grow. "GRRRRAAAAAAAAAAH!" It stood hulking and huge.

"Looks like you won't be able to write again."

"GRRRRRRRUHHHH!" It roared and wrapped its arms around the walrus's throat.

"GACK! Can't breathe..."

"Stop!" Moaned Rognaldr-Artemis, the protagonist of her story, who had just stepped out from the bus.

"GRRRRRRRYUUUUGHH!!!!!! I TOOOOLDSH YOU TO BE.AAAAAAAAGGHHHHH!"

"STOP!"

The walrus's face began to lose color. "Ggg..."

"ROGNALDR!"

The beast-monkey looked over its shoulder to see its creation, its Artemis, its child jam a chunk of tree into its back.

No.

"AAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!! HELLLLLLLP MEEEEE! GYYAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Nifty!"

Rognaldr's hands began to shrink, and its skin was bubbling like Gumlick's experimental pizza.

It fell to the floor with a thump, the wreckage still in its back.

Artemis fainted.

"Go now." Said Gumlick. "We'll take care of him. Go quickly before someone like Alison Bubu comes."

"But what about--"

"GO!" Gumlick cried. Behind her monkeys began screaming as bananas began dropping it. "E-mail me later!"

"You have Internet connection here?"

Before she answered, Shannon entered the key into the air. A portal opened sucking them in.



Many galaxies away, there was a planet once called Ooolia. It held millions of people and was guided by the Wise Father Sun.

Humans came to this planet and tampered with it. A sneeze caused a huge epidemic, killing all but four Ooolians.

Then they inserted pipe-radios containing subliminal messages. Every day the Ooolians would be commanded to act like demented alien babies or as the humans called them, Teletubbies. Their means of entertainment and pleasure, their stomachs, now broadcasts meaningless drivel. They would stalk around against their will and mutter strange things.

The deadly devices also had ruined Wise Father Sun, turning him into a drooling baby who instead of guiding his children with wisdom would giggle and scream at random times of the day for no reason.

At one point, the device wore off. The baby's face was now somewhat old inside, full of wisdom and sadness.

"My children..." He sobbed. All that came out was gargle. The remaining Ooolians were disgraced, entertainment for mere larvae.

There was no way to stop this, it thought. When it devised a plan, the messages would go back on twisting his brain putting him back to square one.

Time to take drastic measures.

It hovered toward Ooolia.

Small pipes appeared from the ground.

"Teletubbies say bye-bye! Teletubbies say bye-bye!" What the teletubbies heard was 'Come, meat-children. Come frolic in your underground prison of primordial ooze and sludge. Come my pretty playthings. Come my slaves.'

"Bye bye." They giggled.

They looked up to see to see a sad and merciful face of glowing embers looking upon his children with sadness and pity.

"Goodbye, my children." He said.

The subliminal messages were now stronger. It no longer mattered. Nothing mattered.

The sun was closer to the planet. Flames licked its surface as the sun blasted into Ooolia in a mercy killing.

Flames covered the surface reaching like black oil.

"Lovely water." Crooned the flowers. "Lovely--"

The flames turned these flowers into mere cinders.

Rabbits squealed and burrowed underground trying to escape the apocalypse.

(Open up, children.) Spoke the sun. (God's justice is merciful and swift.)

The rabbits looked up and were incinerated.

Flames covered the planet in holy sacrifice.

Eric Barger would be pleased if he weren't being beaten at poker by Adolf Hitler and Charles Manson at the moment and losing all his money and clothes.

A couple of days later the planet was dark and crispy. Huge craters ripped into the ground.

The only thing left was the Ooolian's computer-operated house. Inside, Noo- Noo (formerly X-Squadron ATD before the humans arrived) was rebuilding itself to the nth intelligence.

A portal opened and our heroes fell onto the smoking husk of a planet.

"This is not good." Said the Little Mean Walnut.

"I agree." Said the Big Friendly Walrus, picking up a wilted flower.

"Me too." Said Shannon.

"Me three!" Squealed the Dark Man.