Chapter 7

No Man's Land

"A Date That Will Live in Infamy!"

~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

When the Wise Father Sun destroyed the once beautiful Ooolia in a mercy killing, he didn't count on Noo-Noo to survive.

While the corpses of La La and Dipsy were already beginning to rot, Noo-Noo had begun rebuilding itself.

Formerly X-Squadron ATD, the loyal android was technically tampered with by the human invaders. He was rebuilt to resemble a futuristic vacuum cleaner that sucked up waste with noises like a junkie inhaling the fine sweet white powder of cocaine.

Little did the brainwashed Ooolians know, they had also upgraded X-Squadron ATD to a more deadly form; a sinister machine with a never-ending quest to gain knowledge of the universe. It would kill to find such knowledge.

When the yellow bear in the flying saucer flew off, Noo-Noo sent out powerful magnetic waves to blast it out of orbit causing it to burn up and plummet.

While the brainwashed Ooolians got drunk on drugged custard and Wise Father Sun was rambling strange babble, Noo-Noo unleashed several hooks from its metal body, piercing the bear's chest. It let out a dying scream as the skin peeled off like banana. Noo-Noo removed each major organ, studied them, and ate them raw. This only gave him more curiosity. Would other bears have similar organs? Did George W Bush make the same noises he did when he smoked cocaine?

Then the explosion came.

Some say the Sun was driven insane by the horrors that had happened. Some say it was suicide. Others believe it was better to die a fiery death than be displayed as moronic creatures on human TV screens.

Noo-Noo had toppled over and rolled outside. The flames were monstrous, huge and fiery.

Several dead rabbits formed with him to create an entirely new DNA structure. It was now a living, breathing organism. While days tolled by, it encased itself in a huge tube encased with chemicals. Several wires sprouted out from the tube connecting with computers, searching for information about the dying planet and its inhabitants. How it longed to dissect Tinky Winky's warm body. It knew however that this new body was not meant for moving.

Willy Wonka had only begun his reign of terror when the law captured him.

He and his fellow Oompa Loompas had been given separate cells. The deranged candy man sat in his cell, staring at the wall and drooling.

The mayor of FanFiction.net, followed by several cameras and the Police Commissioner, walked down the line of cells.

The Oompa Loompas were quiet.

Too quiet.

The mayor opened Willy Wonka's cell to settle an agreement of some sort.

The Police Commissioner heard creaking as Wonka's chains snapped open. He heard a deranged giggle and smelt a sugary sweet smell mixed with alcohol.

He ripped open the door just in time to see Willy Wonka rip open the mayor's throat with his teeth. Blood sprayed in crimson bursts decorating the wall in a gruesome graffiti.

He screamed and shot several bullets at Wonka. Wonka dodged them effortlessly and lunged forward. Taking out a large candy cane, he jammed it in the Commissioner's throat.

"GAAAAAG!" Gurgled the Commissioner as the cane choked him.

Wonka grabbed the cane and ripped it out. The sticky mint had begun to stick to his throat, and the head came off with it.

"Come, my friends!" Wonka screeched as he ripped the cell doors open. "A whole world ripe and fresh to be tasted! A world as ripe as fresh Snozzberries!"

"Snozzberries?" Snarled a prisoner who had been there for molesting kitties. "Whoever heard of Snozzberries?"

"YOU DARE QUESTION ME?" Screeched Wonka. He pulled out his candy wand and screamed "Avada Kadevra!"

The prisoner fell back on the ground, cracking his skull. A pool of blood formed around his corpse.

The Big Friendly Walrus looked around. Whatever planet they had found themselves on it certainly wasn't going to support life anytime soon.

"Look!" Said the Little Mean Walnut. He pointed toward a dome shaped like an igloo.

The group walked inside. Green fluorescent lights were on the ceilings, bathing the inside in a neon glow.

Rotting breads with deranged smiles on them lay on the floor. Some sort of pink slime covered the walls.

"Ewww!" Said the Dark Man.

"And I thought unclogging Artemis's toilet was bad." Sniffed Shannon.

Deep inside the tunnels there was a rumbling sound.

The four crawled inside. The tubes were progressing deep underground. They heard the sounds of water dripping.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

WAAAZZZAAAAA!?!

Drip.

The tubes stopped.

Dead end.

Shannon was so angry she threw her nifty jacket at the wall. Instead of bouncing back it dropped.

"What the--?"

The group looked over only to lose their balance on the slippery surface. They began to plummet.

"YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Shannon put on her jacket as the rest of the group stared at a door. A green light shown through the door.

It was too late to go back.

Slowly they opened the door.

A man with pins in his face and a large-breasted woman stood there.

"Stop right now, or I'll have to put serious pain on you!" Said the Walrus.

The man with pins all over his face stuck up his middle finger. A hook was in the center of it.

"Fuck Cousin Brucie! Fuck YOU!"

The woman with the large breasts looked at him. "Wrong script, asshole."

"Oh. Er. Ah, YOU DARE USE PAIN IN A SENTENCE?!" He snarled. "Allow me to introduce Pain to you. I...am...PAIN."

"I thought you were Pinhead."

Pinhead's lip began to quiver. "If you reply to this post, I'll

kill you or

get you permanently banned!"

Silence.

"Ahem. I hear your Pain! It says 'We want to be together! Don't separate us!' I hear your pleas."

Chains gripped the four. Drills came out of the wall.

"I shall make getting your nuts ripped off by baboons look like a mother's kiss." He breathed.

Shrururururum...

Pinhead and his large-breasted accomplice were gone. In its place was a giant tube. Some shimmering object was in the center. Wires and tentacles came out of the screen, connecting with various computers. Each screen had complicated formulas on them.

I apologize for the little illusion. Spoke the voice. The author requested it since he wanted the time wasted from his life getting his brain melted by watching Hellraiser 4 to some use.

"Who are you?"

Allow me to introduce myself. The glimmering object bobbed up and down. I am Noo-Noo. I am a Twelfth-Level Syntellect.

"What's going on? What happened here?"

As a slave for the human race, I was unaware of my full potential. I was merely a scavenger of information. Now that the Wise Father Sun has committed a fiery suicide I am free to upgrade.

"Upgrade?"

I shall ascend into a higher power. The sudden change may prove catastrophic.

"As in what?" Said Shannon peering into the tube. "Like ruining this husk? Don't worry."

As in possibly destroying the hunk of mud and water you call 'Earth'.

"Oh my god! You can't do this!" Said the Dark Man. "Billions of people will die!"

Irrelevant, Gary Stu. Information will live. Energy will live. Suggested upgrade time: 10 minutes and counting. 9: 59:59, 9: 59:58, 9...

The door crashed open.

I am becoming an Nth level intelligence. My upgrade was calculated + programmed...

A genetically altered T-Rex stepped across the room. It had purple foam for skin. Its gaping maw was stuffed with cotton. It was Barney.

"You pathetic ultrastellar abortion." He hissed. "And to think one of my politically correct kids' sniffles would have finished you and your pathetic race off."

Your kids killed off 99.9 % of our race?

"Bingo." Barney grinned. "I love sappy happy field trips...don't you?"

Several tentacles reached out from the tube and grabbed Barney. They smashed him against the wall.

BAM!

BAM!

BAM!

Barney howled in a mad rage. He aimed his fists right toward the screen. The talons should have ripped it open.

Ah, my purple friend...remember the special treatments you spent millions of dollars on to become less menacing and more 'cuddly'? The figure bobbed up and down. Truly pathetic.

The mechanical tentacles ripped into Barney's belly. Blood seeped out.

"GRAAAAAAAAAAAYGGGGGH!!!!!!" Barney screamed. He kicked the tube. "My code against killing doesn't count machines." The tube cracked open.

Floating in what little chemicals remained was Noo-Noo fully exposed.

Like some sort of floating umbilical cord, the nozzle he sucked up trash was now at the bottom like a scorpion. The body was now a floating face. Two misshapen eyes peered out. A leering mouth with sharp teeth leered. Patches of mangy fur covered the body.

I am not a machine. It said. Prepare for total annihilation.

Several beams blasted out, rocketing Barney into the floor. Noo-Noo sloshed around in what was like a pool of goo.

Make my day.

Barney grabbed Noo-Noo with one hand.

Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu The creature pathetically whined.

Barney peeled off a goblet of goo. "Such pathetic creatures...you make the freaks I play with normal."

The nozzle wrapped itself around Barney. Barney tried pulling it off, but to no use. The two twisted and turned. Barney fell forward into the goo. The shards of glass from the tube entered his midsection.

Barney let out a gurgle as his lifeblood dribbled down the tube's side. Noo- Noo was flung across the room, hitting the wall with a splat. A red button began flashing.

DETONATION....BEGUN...5...4..3...

"ENTER THE KEY!" Screamed the Big Friendly Walrus to Shannon. "NOW! IT'S ALL GOING TO BLOW!"



KA-BOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!

The planet exploded in a fine blast of fire. Shards of the planet were sent off in all directions, working as meteorites. Several blasted into planets, causing a chain reaction of destruction.

A woman stood in the subway. Life wasn't doing so good. She wanted to become a successful writer, but nothing had come out.

All she had come up with so far was the average Mary Sue and the occasional repeated code. Several people had told her this was posted many times before, but did she care? No. That was until Blue Yeti ripped apart her Mary Sue.

First it grabbed her creation, her angel of perfection, and literally tore it apart. Blood had spattered the wall. The woman had begun screaming when Blue Yeti chased after her.

"You'll zut up if you know vatz good for you." It growled.

She frowned, thinking of that.

But some things had gone well. A lot of people liked her Mary Sue saying 'Ur story rulz! PLEAZ UPDATE! Arty is soooo hot! I wanna lick his pale chest and caress his withered nipples.'

And she wasn't as getting so many scathing comments since the Walrus was gone.

Two midgets with green hair grabbed her pocketbook.

"NO!" She cried. "Robbery! I'm being robbed!"

Then, as soon it was taken back they threw it at her. She wept tears of joy, when one threw her off the subway.

She landed on the ground. The pain was bad, but her money was still there. She felt around her purse, when she felt something hard and smooth. Like an apple. And the ticking sounds...

A stern faced woman sat in front of the camera at the TV station. "Woman explodes at Subway station...film at 11."