Chapter 8
Before the Darkness
"Eat my dick with brussels sprouts."
~ Bentley Little, The Man in the Passenger Seat
Before he was banned, the Big Friendly Walrus led a fairly normal life. As normal as a walrus who writes erotic fiction about fairies that pisses off 12 year olds can be, that is.
To fully understand how and why he was banned, we must know of the events that lead up to his banning.
It was the eve of a glorious day: The Annual FanFiction.net Sharing Ceremony was when writers could show of their newest creations, poets could recite sonnets and hacks could show off their new perfect women and be ridiculed by all.
The Blue Yeti held a party to honor this momentous occasion with a dinner party. On the other side of town, a squabbling husband and wife were getting ready to go.
"Come on!" Said Kitty Rainbow to her husband ArTeMiSfOwL. "We're going to be late!" She was trying on a new dress.
"I'm trying to fix the Artemis Serum." ArTeMiS had been trying to alter his genes so he could look like the child genius. So far nothing worked, and he ended up looking like a cross between Root and Juliet. He had long blonde hair, lipstick and was short, hairy and dumpy. He always had a cigar in his mouth.
"Oh, that silly thing! That can wait." She reached toward to shut it off.
He gripped her hand tightly.
"Don't."
The Blue Yeti sat in a chair at the center of the table. Its blue fur had been carefully combed, and all the nits, bone fragments and dried blood had been carefully removed.
"Ah!" It said to the Big Friendly Walrus and the Little Mean Walnut as they came inside. "It zeems yu are zee firzt tu arrive. Make yurzelvez at home!"
"Thanks." Said the Big Friendly Walrus sitting down in a seat and pouring himself some champagne. "I trust you are well?"
"Oho, oha! Ve are very vell!" The Blue Yeti chortled and helped itself to some roasted beans. "Zis iz a very exziting time! Zo many CRUZED egos for my counziling! ZO MUCH FREZ MEAT!" It gave a roaring laugh that dissolved into a hacking cough.
"Come on!" Pleaded Kitty. "I'll be the laughingstock at the party if you don't come!"
"You go on. I'm fine right here."
"Why we are so grumpy today?" She asked.
ArTeMiS exploded.
"Because all 'we' write are gay romances! I'm FRIGGIN' sick of it!" Kitty realized that ArTeMiS had forgotten to take his Prozac, but was so mad that she didn't care.
"I'd rather write romances and be happy in my life rather than your pathetic genetic mess-ups!"
"You bitch!" He roared and slapped her face. Blood flew from her mouth.
"How many people did you invite today?" Asked the walrus.
"Vell...a lot." Said the Blue Yeti. "It zeemz everyone elze were to inteemadated by my appetite! Ha ha!"
The walrus gulped, remembering that the Blue Yeti had been arrested on records of mutilation, cannibalism (even though no one in ff.net was of its breed) and manslaughter.
"Do you know anyone who were going to come?"
"Vell, Kitty Rainbow and her huzband were going to come. Vey zould've been here by now."
"Oh my god..." Said ArTeMiS, staring at what he had done. "I am so sorry..." He put a hand on his wife's shoulder.
"Don't touch me!" She cried and punched ArTeMiS in the face. He spit out bloody teeth.
He made to uppercut her, and she bit his arm, breaking the skin. Blood streamed out.
"AGH! You bitch!" He socked her in the stomach. She gasped for breath, and grabbed the computer. She flung it at her husband. It shattered against him.
She then morphed into a rainbow colored kitten.
"MROW!" It cried and swiped at ArTeMiS's face.
"Hey!" He cried as the blood ran through his fingers. "No powers!"
He took out a spray-can labeled 'Anti-Kitty Spray' and sprayed her. Green gas enveloped her, stinging and cutting her skin.
The kitten scurried under a large desk.
"Ohhhh...a big heavy desk. Guess I can't get you now, can I?" His eyes focused on a metal helmet.
The Blue Yeti sipped some wine.
"Zo...are you going to zare some ztoreez, you being ze zick inzane homizadal maniac that you are?"
"I dunno." Said the Big Friendly Walrus helping himself to some chicken. He chewed on it, and thought for a bit. "Last time I shared my stories I was called a pedophile simply because of their content."
"Oh! I almozt forgot! It ez time for the head courze!" It gave a laugh, as if it had said a very good joke. "Butler, pleeze get zee head courze!"
A butler with balding hair and a mustache came in and put a steaming plate on the table. A cover was on top of it. "Enjoy your meal, monsieur."
The Blue Yeti pulled off the cover, revealing a severed human head. Its eyes stared wide ahead. An apple was plucked in its mouth. The skin was darkly roasted.
The Big Friendly Walrus went a little green. "I'll pass, thanks."
"More for me!" Blue Yeti grinned and ripped apart the head to shreds. It unscrewed the skullcap, to reveal that the brain had been replaced with ice cream.
"Oh, I like ice cream." Said the walrus.
"Deeg in!"
"Please..." Kitty moaned. "I'm sorry, okay? Lets just-- what are you doing?"
ArTeMiS put on the helmet. It had the power to telepathically control dogs.
He pressed a button on the helmet.
Several dogs ran in through the door. Flower vases shattered and tables collapsed under their force. Kitty's water bowl smashed into pieces and water spilled across the room.
"Stop!" Kitty cried.
"You know what its like living with a kitten-human hybrid?" Snarled ArTeMiS. "HORRIBLE! I keep on finding fur balls in the bed! Kitty spit-up in my slippers! Oh, and you won't BELIEVE what I find in the tub!"
All kinds of breeds, Dalmatians, Terriers, Collies, Golden retrievers, etc, ran into the room and swarmed over the kitten.
"Whooooooooooooooo let the dawgs out?!" Sang the crazy canines.
"ArTeMiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiS!" She screamed as the rapping dogs bit and scratched her.
"You shouldn't have made me look small, Kitty..." He muttered. His eyes were merciless beacons of light. "You shouldn't have made me look small."
The Walrus rubbed his belly. The empty skullcap was in the center of the table.
The Blue Yeti belched and drank some champagne. "Man, you guysh are the besht brothersh a Yeti could ever have!" He staggered forward, drunk as a skunk.
The walrus grabbed the Yeti's keys. "Friends don't let friends drink and drive."
"Fuck thish!" Blue Yeti roared, drinking the Walnut's champagne.
ArTeMiS sat cradled in a ball in a corner. In his shaking hands was a bottle marked 'PROZAC'. He took out a pill, and crunched down on it relishing the bitter taste. He was too tired for water.
Dogs scurried out the door, barking and yipping. What happened? Barked one.
I don't know. Said another. Wanna shit in my master's underwear cabinet?
Next to Artemis was Kitty's limp dress, which had come off when she had transformed.
Behind him, the house was in a state of wreck. Water flooded over the floors. Tables were turned over in a state of disarray.
"Oh, Kitty..." He moaned. "What have I done?"
Before the Darkness
"Eat my dick with brussels sprouts."
~ Bentley Little, The Man in the Passenger Seat
Before he was banned, the Big Friendly Walrus led a fairly normal life. As normal as a walrus who writes erotic fiction about fairies that pisses off 12 year olds can be, that is.
To fully understand how and why he was banned, we must know of the events that lead up to his banning.
It was the eve of a glorious day: The Annual FanFiction.net Sharing Ceremony was when writers could show of their newest creations, poets could recite sonnets and hacks could show off their new perfect women and be ridiculed by all.
The Blue Yeti held a party to honor this momentous occasion with a dinner party. On the other side of town, a squabbling husband and wife were getting ready to go.
"Come on!" Said Kitty Rainbow to her husband ArTeMiSfOwL. "We're going to be late!" She was trying on a new dress.
"I'm trying to fix the Artemis Serum." ArTeMiS had been trying to alter his genes so he could look like the child genius. So far nothing worked, and he ended up looking like a cross between Root and Juliet. He had long blonde hair, lipstick and was short, hairy and dumpy. He always had a cigar in his mouth.
"Oh, that silly thing! That can wait." She reached toward to shut it off.
He gripped her hand tightly.
"Don't."
The Blue Yeti sat in a chair at the center of the table. Its blue fur had been carefully combed, and all the nits, bone fragments and dried blood had been carefully removed.
"Ah!" It said to the Big Friendly Walrus and the Little Mean Walnut as they came inside. "It zeems yu are zee firzt tu arrive. Make yurzelvez at home!"
"Thanks." Said the Big Friendly Walrus sitting down in a seat and pouring himself some champagne. "I trust you are well?"
"Oho, oha! Ve are very vell!" The Blue Yeti chortled and helped itself to some roasted beans. "Zis iz a very exziting time! Zo many CRUZED egos for my counziling! ZO MUCH FREZ MEAT!" It gave a roaring laugh that dissolved into a hacking cough.
"Come on!" Pleaded Kitty. "I'll be the laughingstock at the party if you don't come!"
"You go on. I'm fine right here."
"Why we are so grumpy today?" She asked.
ArTeMiS exploded.
"Because all 'we' write are gay romances! I'm FRIGGIN' sick of it!" Kitty realized that ArTeMiS had forgotten to take his Prozac, but was so mad that she didn't care.
"I'd rather write romances and be happy in my life rather than your pathetic genetic mess-ups!"
"You bitch!" He roared and slapped her face. Blood flew from her mouth.
"How many people did you invite today?" Asked the walrus.
"Vell...a lot." Said the Blue Yeti. "It zeemz everyone elze were to inteemadated by my appetite! Ha ha!"
The walrus gulped, remembering that the Blue Yeti had been arrested on records of mutilation, cannibalism (even though no one in ff.net was of its breed) and manslaughter.
"Do you know anyone who were going to come?"
"Vell, Kitty Rainbow and her huzband were going to come. Vey zould've been here by now."
"Oh my god..." Said ArTeMiS, staring at what he had done. "I am so sorry..." He put a hand on his wife's shoulder.
"Don't touch me!" She cried and punched ArTeMiS in the face. He spit out bloody teeth.
He made to uppercut her, and she bit his arm, breaking the skin. Blood streamed out.
"AGH! You bitch!" He socked her in the stomach. She gasped for breath, and grabbed the computer. She flung it at her husband. It shattered against him.
She then morphed into a rainbow colored kitten.
"MROW!" It cried and swiped at ArTeMiS's face.
"Hey!" He cried as the blood ran through his fingers. "No powers!"
He took out a spray-can labeled 'Anti-Kitty Spray' and sprayed her. Green gas enveloped her, stinging and cutting her skin.
The kitten scurried under a large desk.
"Ohhhh...a big heavy desk. Guess I can't get you now, can I?" His eyes focused on a metal helmet.
The Blue Yeti sipped some wine.
"Zo...are you going to zare some ztoreez, you being ze zick inzane homizadal maniac that you are?"
"I dunno." Said the Big Friendly Walrus helping himself to some chicken. He chewed on it, and thought for a bit. "Last time I shared my stories I was called a pedophile simply because of their content."
"Oh! I almozt forgot! It ez time for the head courze!" It gave a laugh, as if it had said a very good joke. "Butler, pleeze get zee head courze!"
A butler with balding hair and a mustache came in and put a steaming plate on the table. A cover was on top of it. "Enjoy your meal, monsieur."
The Blue Yeti pulled off the cover, revealing a severed human head. Its eyes stared wide ahead. An apple was plucked in its mouth. The skin was darkly roasted.
The Big Friendly Walrus went a little green. "I'll pass, thanks."
"More for me!" Blue Yeti grinned and ripped apart the head to shreds. It unscrewed the skullcap, to reveal that the brain had been replaced with ice cream.
"Oh, I like ice cream." Said the walrus.
"Deeg in!"
"Please..." Kitty moaned. "I'm sorry, okay? Lets just-- what are you doing?"
ArTeMiS put on the helmet. It had the power to telepathically control dogs.
He pressed a button on the helmet.
Several dogs ran in through the door. Flower vases shattered and tables collapsed under their force. Kitty's water bowl smashed into pieces and water spilled across the room.
"Stop!" Kitty cried.
"You know what its like living with a kitten-human hybrid?" Snarled ArTeMiS. "HORRIBLE! I keep on finding fur balls in the bed! Kitty spit-up in my slippers! Oh, and you won't BELIEVE what I find in the tub!"
All kinds of breeds, Dalmatians, Terriers, Collies, Golden retrievers, etc, ran into the room and swarmed over the kitten.
"Whooooooooooooooo let the dawgs out?!" Sang the crazy canines.
"ArTeMiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiS!" She screamed as the rapping dogs bit and scratched her.
"You shouldn't have made me look small, Kitty..." He muttered. His eyes were merciless beacons of light. "You shouldn't have made me look small."
The Walrus rubbed his belly. The empty skullcap was in the center of the table.
The Blue Yeti belched and drank some champagne. "Man, you guysh are the besht brothersh a Yeti could ever have!" He staggered forward, drunk as a skunk.
The walrus grabbed the Yeti's keys. "Friends don't let friends drink and drive."
"Fuck thish!" Blue Yeti roared, drinking the Walnut's champagne.
ArTeMiS sat cradled in a ball in a corner. In his shaking hands was a bottle marked 'PROZAC'. He took out a pill, and crunched down on it relishing the bitter taste. He was too tired for water.
Dogs scurried out the door, barking and yipping. What happened? Barked one.
I don't know. Said another. Wanna shit in my master's underwear cabinet?
Next to Artemis was Kitty's limp dress, which had come off when she had transformed.
Behind him, the house was in a state of wreck. Water flooded over the floors. Tables were turned over in a state of disarray.
"Oh, Kitty..." He moaned. "What have I done?"
