Chapter 9

The Rise of Karita

"Masturbation is the best policy."

~ Mark Twain

The Big Friendly Walrus had stopped by Kitty's house to ask why she and her husband had not been at the party.

Instead, he saw her lying on a stretcher and being loaded into an ambulance.

"What happened here?" Asked the walrus.

"We don't know." Said one of the orderlies. "We found her like this. The entire house is a wreck."

"Is her husband home?"

"No." Said one of the orderlies. "We think--"

"Excuse me." Said the head detective, Fido. "You shouldn't be here."

"At least tell me what hospital she's going to."



CUDGEON C. HEST HARE HOSPITAL

At the hospital, he learned it was indeed most likely Kitty's husband who had put her this way. He was reportedly missing and the NYPD, FBI, CSA and a spooky government organization who wanted to steal his genitals and probe them for an alien race were all looking for him.

The Big Friendly Walrus walked out of the door. His butler was waiting for him.

"What happened?"

"Apparently it was ArTeMiSfOwL who did this. He had a mental disorder and didn't take his Prozac. The pills were all over the floor."

"Are they canceling the Ceremony?"

"No." He said. "Kitty would want us to celebrate it and have fun."

"What about her crazy husband?"

The Walrus didn't answer.

The Annual FanFiction.net Sharing Ceremony

The theatre was large and beautiful. Red curtains covered the stage.

The Walrus sat with his butler in the upper balcony.

The stories were great. Poems, original fiction, and more!

Possible futures for Artemis!

Poems describing his emotions!

Countless bullshit fics about perfect women intimidating Arty! Oh, oops. Never mind.

He couldn't help feel a sense of foreboding when a story was read about a demon molesting Artemis, and then one about Artemis himself forcing a girl to become his bitch after she won a contest. He also couldn't help feel the occasional spray of blood from the Blue Yeti's new sub.

The quality of the fics began deteriorating quicker than George W Bush fumbling on how to spell 'Cat'.

The walrus drifted into a deep sleep.

In the dream, several baboons were chasing the walrus. They were pink, and they were all blowing trumpets.

"You pedophile pervert!" Screamed a baboon. "YOU SUCK!"

"I'm not!" Said the Walrus.

"You write like one!"

"So?"

A baboon hopped on his head and squirted banana juice in his eyes.

"This is for making me CRY!" It screeched.

The walrus fell over, screaming.

BLAM!

He was awoken from his nightmare immediately.

ArTeMiSfOwL stood in the doorway. "Hello, my homies!" He screeched.

BLAM!

An overweight girl with glasses who was reading her story a secret agent fairy falling in love with Artemis didn't know what hit her when her head disappeared in a fine red spray. Her headless corpse fell onto the audience.

"YUMMY!" Blue Yeti screamed, ripping the entrails and sucking it up like spaghetti.

BLAM!

The bullet hit a pillar. It began to crumble and fall. A kid looked up at it, mystified.

"Look out, son!" Cried Fido. "LOOK OUT!" He pushed the kid out of the way when the pillar fell on him, fatally killing him.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Screamed the Walnut and jumped onto the stage.

BLAM!

"Nothing can crack my nut!" Cackled the Walnut.

ArTeMisfOwL grinned feverishly. He took out a Prozac pill and swallowed it.

"Big Friendly Walrus!" He called. "Where are you? Show yourself and your friends will live to see another day!"

The walrus crawled up the stage. "What?"

ArTeMiS's Juliet/Rootish face broke into a wide grin. "PLEAAAAAAAAAAAASE parody Kitty Rainbow's stories! You'll be in Parody City!!!!!!"

"Or what?"

He felt the cold barrel of the gun against his forehead. "This."

The walrus pulled out a typewriter and began typing.

"Oh, this is going to be SOOOOOOOOOO cool!" Giggled ArTeMiS.

The Big Friendly Walrus finished at last. It was a bit tasteless, but better than nothing in the circumstances which he found himself in.

The walrus finished it and gave it to ArTeMiS. Nothing had been harder for him to write, especially in the tragic attack from yesterday.

"Read it aloud."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

SEVERAL MINUTES LATER

".and Butler said to Artemis, 'Sir, you taste excellent.' The End"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Giggled ArTeMis. "This is soooooooo funny!"

A gothic girl looked up at the walrus. Her name was Edrna. "Weirdo. Freak. Jerk."

"Don't make fun of my homy, y'hear?" Screeched ArTeMiS.

BLAM!

There was a soft thud as the flamer hit the floor.

The Blue Yeti was eating all the corpses. It was like a potato chip; you just couldn't eat one.

It now had a serious bellyache.

"Guurrrrgggh..." It groaned clutching its chest. "I don't feel so well."

It crawled up the stage and turned to face ArTeMiS.

"Hello, m'boy." It growled. "I have excruciating pains in my lower abdomen at the moment, but I think I have room for one more food."

"Wait!" Cried Walnut. "I have a dimension warper. Why not banish him to a place he wants to visit; Parody City?"

"A splendid idea."

The Blue Yeti grabbed ArTeMiS, not bothering to check if any bones were broken, and threw him in the opening vortex.

The vortex slowly disappeared.

Later, in the FanFiction courtroom...

Senator Karita stood on one of many floating podium-thingies. Below was a large pit.

"What has happened here is poor leadership!" She cried dramatically. "We need a better leader!"

"I disagree." Said Kitty Rainbow. She had some bruises, and her arm was in a sling. "Domestic abuse lies hidden below many surfaces. We cannot expect to know them all. I do not blame anyone."

"Why did they keep the show on then?" Asked Karita. "With a maniac on the loose, it is pretty dangerous, no?"

"And cancel a world-famous festival?"

The other senators listened attentively. It was obvious Karita wanted to become the new leader. Would she succeed?

"My fellow senators," She called out. "If I were leader, I would know about this beforehand! My prosperity would reach the stars! And, besides, I don't wear used suits."

The sound of the buzzing of senators filled the air. If what happened next didn't happen, the vote would be an even tie and Karita's leadership might've been delayed. Our present story would be much different.

A podium, decorated with fancy whatchamacallits, zoomed up. A man with a graying beard and glasses zoomed up. He had a plastic lightsaber.

"Mesa George Lucas!" The man cried. "Mesa goeng to sue you for a-stealin' my idea!"

"Eat dick, fanboy." Karita growled and pulled out a gun. She aimed at George Lucas's ship. He fell with a scream and plummeted towards the endless abyss. "Spider-Man was so much better than your crappy prequels."

The Senators cheered in unison.

Kitty banged her head on her podium.

Later that month, the Big Friendly Walrus parodied one of Karita's stories. He was banned by the Bots.

Parody City...

ArTeMiS was twirling through what seemed like the inside of a tornado. There was some light at the end of the tunnel. He tripped and plummeted out.

"OUCH!"

A man that looked like a naked Butler stepped forward.

"Hello, sir." He grinned. "You taste excellent."

"GAAAAAAAH!" ArTeMiS cried.

He looked inside a window. Holly and her angel friends were going shopping and giggling crazily. He banged on the window for help.

"Come on, sir." Said a voice behind him. "We can't wait all day, can we?"

"GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!"

BEEP! BEEP!

A car drove in front of him. A centaur was driving it. "Get in!" It hissed.

In the car the centaur introduced himself as Foaly. He was the head of a game show.

"Boy!" Said Foaly. "I sure saved you from some jam out there, didn't I!"

"You sure did."

He felt around in his pocket when he felt the cold metal of his gun. He pulled it out.

"Now what are you doing?" Asked Foaly.

"Say goodbye, hairy."

BLAM!

Half of Foaly's face disappeared. He screamed a name (it sounded like 'Holly') over and over.

BLAM!

Foaly's head crashed onto the steering wheel. The car skidded and hit a tree. ArTeMiS climbed out.

He raised the gun and shot several bullets in the air.

"I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!!!!!" He cried.

It was a half hour before 5 and was beginning to get dark when they took him down.