Chapter 10

The Mary Sue Hunter

"Masturbation is the mother of inventions."

~ Mark Twain

FanFiction.net...

The Monkey Queen was Blue Yeti's current patient. She had various split personalities, some her 'friends', who flamed people.

"Now," Said the Blue Yeti furiously scribbling in its notebook. "Who are your friendz?"

"The monkeys..." She spoke in a dull voice. Drool dribbled down her front lip. "The monkeys...they help me review my stories...we are many. We are one."

"I zee, and here eet says that you deleted all your storeez in a fit of rage?"

"Yes, it's the walrus's fault! I HATE THE WALRUS!" She screamed in a rage. "And the toilets...I hear them talking...they're planning some sort of rebellion. I know it, I do!"

The Blue Yeti took out a chicken bone and waved it in front of her face.

"You are veeling veeery sleeeepyyy..."

"I am feeling very sleepy..."

"When I chomp down on theez eyeball, you weel wake up."

"When you chomp down on that eyeball, I will wake up."

"Yeeezzzzz...and I vill not be there. Only the Valrus. Only the Valrus."

Silence.

The sound of the eyeball breaking and all the sound of the jelly splat on the floor filled the air.

The Monkey Queen opened her eyes.

"YOU!" She shrieked.

The Yeti recoiled.

"YOU DILAPIDATED CAMEL!!!" She shrieked. "The monkey queen is muuuuuch better than you! I'm her best friend, and I know so!"

The split personalities were coming out. How very interesting.

"You're just as bad as the Blue Yeti! YOU BOTH SUCK!"

"What the--" The Yeti growled.

"NEVER WRITE AGAIN!" The Monkey Queen cried and lunged forward.

SNAP!

Monkey Queen rubbed her eyes. "Wow, doc. What happened?"

The Blue Yeti looked furious.

"Nothing, my dear." It growled. "Perfectly normal. By the vay, vould you like to POOP IN MY MOUTH?!"

"THE LIVING TOILETS!" Monkey Queen screamed. "You're one of them!" She began shaking back and forth screaming like a baby who just shit in his pants after eating creamed beef.

The Blue Yeti simply grinned and jumped on top of the queen of all that is monkeyish with a roar.

She saw the face up close and one thought crossed her mind

(OH MY GOD IT IS FEMALE)

before blacking out.

The Teletubbies' Planet...

Barney and a mutated Noo-Noo fought in a fatal struggle. The two twisted and turned. Barney fell forward into the goo. The shards of glass from the tube entered his midsection.

Barney let out a gurgle as his lifeblood dribbled down the tube's side. Noo- Noo was flung across the room, hitting the wall with a splat. A red button began flashing.

DETONATION...BEGUN....5...4...3...

"ENTER THE KEY!" Screamed the Big Friendly Walrus to Shannon. "NOW! IT'S ALL GOING TO BLOW!"



KA-BOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!

The planet exploded in a fine blast of fire. Shards of the planet were sent off in all directions, working as meteorites. Several blasted into planets, causing a chain reaction of destruction.

Noo-Noo slid down the wall, blind. Barney's impaled corpse lay facedown on the floor.

In a split second, they were among the cosmos due to float around for all eternity as tiny chunks of rock.

In that split second, our heroes passed through a small hole in the universe.

VROOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!

The group landed on a hard ground.

"Where are we?"

A girl came up. "Oh!" She said smiling. "I'm Belarus Kintelbury. You must be Artemis." She kicked the Dark Man in the knee.

"Ow!"

"I'm more smarter than you'll EVER be. And I have more technology!" She kicked him again.

"Stop that!" The Dark Man cried. "I'm not Artemis!"

Belarus looked tear-stricken. Artemis would never come. He was somewhere else, shagging Holly and Juliet in an erotic three-way.

While she was alone. All alone.

"NO!" She screamed and blue lightning surged through her fingertips. Thunder rumbled from the sky.

Was this Mary Sue? Mouthed Shannon.

I don't know. Mouthed the Walrus. Wasn't she dead?

Yes, indeed she was. He would never forget the sickening crunch as his tusk impaled Mary Sue. And the faint reddish smear on the tusk that he could barely wipe off.

Belarus grinned. "I am the last of a dying race. I have come to intimidate all the men...make all the women jealous...and learn to do the pepper twist!"

She began shaking her finely tuned ass, and her perfect, back-pain-inducing breasts began jiggling.

"You cannot escape my seduction!"

There was the sound of a growling besides her.

"Wha--?"

There was a teenaged girl with a huge three-headed dog on a leash. Foam dripped from its gaping maw.

"NO!" Belarus screamed. "Not you!"

The dog lunged at her tearing off bits of flesh, bone and gristle. Blood splattered across its face. Belarus screamed and began swatting the canine.

One head lifted its head up with lightning accuracy and tore the hand right off. It chewed it with sickening crunching noises.

"GYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"RUFF! RUFF! Growwwwwlllll..." The creature ripped free of the leash and lunged at Belarus.

"Stay back!" She screamed. "I command you!"

The dog's three sets of teeth were bared. It tore and ripped at her. Two heads held her down while one ripped off her legs. They tore on it like a pack of wolves.

Blood spilling from her severed legs, Belarus tried crawling to the sea.

The dog leaped on her. Its claws sank into her fine, soft back.

"Ggggllll..." She groaned. With one final motion, the three-headed dog tore off her head. Blood sprayed everywhere.

The teenager looked at her pet devouring the remains of Belarus.

"Pleased to meet you." She said. "I'm Skye Firebane, the Mary Sue Hunter."

"Really?" Asked the Walrus. "What is this planet?"

"The Mary Sue planet. I have dedicated my life to hunting down these creatures, and I have succeeded. Except for one."

"Who?"

"Mary Sue herself."

The Walrus gulped. "She's, ah, dead."

The girl lifted an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Really really." The walrus answered. "We were battling each other and she fell on my tusk and was impaled." He looked a bit nervous.

"No matter." She said. "There will always be Mary Sues. If you stomp an anthill, there will be others."

"Nice dog." Said Shannon.

"Oh?" She said. "I call him Ceberus."

The dog in question lifted up its leg and pissed on the corpse he had just finished eating.

It trotted toward its master, and then stopped. It looked at the Dark Man, and let out a low growl.

It trotted over and all three heads sniffed the Dark Man furiously.

"What?" He asked.

"You have the stench of Stu on you." Said Firebane.

"I do?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Really really?"

"Really really."

"Really really REALLY?"

"Really really REALLY."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Huh."

The dog bared its three sets of teeth. Its nostrils flared.

It opened its jaws and ripped down the hem of the Dark Man's cloak.

The Dark Man had heart-style boxer shorts.

"Uh..." The Dark Man said nervously. He was staring at Skye. "Couldja get your dog offa me?"

"Besides," The Walrus said. "He's not a Mary Sue, but a mild Gary Stu. He's not even an original character."

"Good enough." Skye said. She took out a bone and threw it 20 feet across the sky. "Catch!"

Ceberus trotted along after the bone.

"Would you like to help us?" Asked Shannon. "FanFiction.net is run amok by Mary Sues."

"Really?" Skye said. Ceberus looked up from the bone he was chewing.

"Yes."

"Take me there."

"Uh, that's the point." The Walrus said scratching his head. "We're sort of lost."

"He got banished." Said Shannon quickly. "For parodying someone's story."

"For that?" Skye said pulling her dog on its leash. "Jeez."

The dog bared its teeth.

"But...ignoring the fact that you're hopelessly lost, I would like to join your quest. FanFiction.net is plagued by a...menace. I can only hope my efforts will help."

"Soooo..." Said Shannon in the awkward silence. "Does that mean you will help us?"

Ceberus's bark probably meant 'yes'.

FanFiction.net...

The rusty tub was filled with ice cubes. A shape floated under them.

Monkey Queen emerged through the cubes, gasping for breath. She noticed she was in her panties.

"What the...." She moaned. Her voice felt thick. There was a small table ahead of her. A bloody liver lay on a plate.

She looked at her side. A bloody wound was there.

"Ugh..." She moaned. She looked through the doorway down the hallway into the kitchen. A furry figure stood over the kitchen counter cutting something up.

Fear dawned upon her.

No.

She turned around and opened the window.

Several dogs barked viciously at her. A little dog not more than a puppy, with dreadlocks glared at her.

"Yo!" It said. "I'm Like Mike! I wore his shoes and I can do basketball! YO MAMA!"

The sound of the self-centered pooch was loud. The furry figure turned around.

"Holy Christ!" She screamed. She tried crawling out.

The furry figure ran toward her Royal Apeness.

"Gyaaaaah!" Screamed Monkey Queen. "YAAAAAAH!"

She desperately tried pulling herself out. The blue creature reached inside her open wound and pulled on an intestine.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!" Screamed Monkey Queen. "YOU FUCKING MINGER!!!!"

The pain was unbearable, her freedom so close.

The Blue Yeti hit the window. It flew down and worked as a guillotine. Monkey Queen's head plopped out and onto the mud. The dogs sniffed it.

The window opened again and Blue Yeti threw the dripping liver onto the ground. The dogs greedily ate it while Lil' Bow Wow threatened to sue if he didn't get better service.