[Next Day]

HARRY: Ow. Where am I?

RON: My place. We rescued you in my dad's flying car.

HARRY: Hoo! Nifty! Wow, your place is very and extremely cool.

[RON blushes]

--------

MRS WEASLEY: BRETHREN, IT'S DINNERTIME!

[BRETHREN thunder downstairs]

GINNY: Feep! [runs away]

HARRY: .....

RON: Dunno why she's acting like that. Usually she NEVER shuts up.

FRED: Eh, she's better this way.

MRS WEASLEY: After we're done here, it's off to Diagon Alley.

BRETHREN plus HARRY: Yippee!

--------

[FLOURISH AND BLOTTS bookstore]

HARRY: Who's that guy?

MRS WEASLEY: [titters] Gilderoy Lockhart! He's so famous and he's done ever so many amazing deeds and...

HARRY: Like to wax his broomstick...

RON: What was that?

HARRY: Just wondering if he plays Quidditch is all.

DRACO MALFOY: Ah, the Three Stooges! No wait...four....seven..er...

HERMIONE: Allo all!

EVERYONE except DRACO: HERMIONE!

HERMIONE: Hey! And I've brought my Muggle parents!

MR WEASLEY: Nifty! So, about this whole 'income tax'--what's up with that? And for that matter, I never did understand the concept of a so-called 'Frisbee'.

LUCIUS MALFOY: Oh look, the Muggles are spawning!

[AUDIENCE boos and hisses]

MR WEASLEY: Ew! Snotty wizards!

LUCIUS: Ew! Muggle-lovers!

CHILDREN: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

FRED: Okay, I've got two to one on Lucius here. You there, madam, can I interest you in a bet?

GEORGE: Popcorn! Get your popcorn!

RON: Considered one of the longest simmering brawls in recent history, we present to you now WEASLEY vs. MALFOY!

[AUDIENCE applauds]

MANAGER OF FLOURISH AND BLOTTS: No, no, no! Stop this now!

AUDIENCE: Awww!

LUCIUS: [flounces out]

DRACO: [ponces]

RON: Gayest wizards ever to ponce Diagon Alley.

HARRY: Well, I don't know about that....

RON: What?

HARRY: Er....I mean....[flusters]...Gilderoy Lockhart! He's so flouncy he could be a petticoat.

RON: Right...

--------

RON: Well, everyone else has gone through the barrier, let's go.

[HARRY and RON smash into the wall]

RON: GREAT BRUMHILDA IN A BOXING RING! THAT HURT!

HARRY: [dazed]

RON: Hey I know.....let's take Dad's flying car!

HARRY: Right! That plan can't go wrong......where are we? And who are you? I'm lost. WHO AM I? AAHHH

RON: [slaps HARRY]

HARRY: Thanks. Let's go.

--------

HARRY: Ah, here we are! Ron, try and land near that tree.

RON: WHAT?

HARRY: TURN DOWN THE MUSIC!

RON: I DON'T HAVE A FLUTE!

HARRY: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

RON: I'M NOT GAY!

HARRY: LEAVE ME ALONE!

RON: WE CAN'T GO HOME NOW!

HARRY: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A COW?

RON: LET'S LAND NEAR THAT TREE!

HARRY: MY HANDS AREN'T ANYWHERE NEAR YOU!

RON: I CAN'T HEAR YOU EITHER!

[Silence, then the ENGINE sputters]

HARRY: WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE!

RON: I'M NOT TOUCHING YOUR KNEE!

HARRY: EW! YOU'RE SO KINKY!

RON: I DO NOT SMELL, YOU BASTARD!

HARRY: AAHHH! TREEEEEEE!

RON: I'M NOT EVEN TOUCHING YOU!

HARRY: TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

RON: BUT WHAT ABOUT DEMOCRACY? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO FREEDOM OF RELIGION, HMM?

HARRY: WE'RE GOING TO CRAAAAAAAASH!

RON: BUT IF SHE HAD, WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED TO THE LUSITANIA?

HARRY: AAAAAAHHHH!

RON: THIS IS NO TIME FOR DEBATES ON MONOTHEISTIC SUPREMA---AAAHHH!

[RON and HARRY crash]

RON: Good thing we landed safely.

HARRY: I can't believe you said I was fat.

RON: Says the slut with the kinky food fetishes!

HARRY: What?

RON: What?

[Suddenly, the TREE begins hitting the car]

RON and HARRY: AHHHH! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

[The CAR flies out of the tree, drives away into the Forbidden Forest]

RON: Well that was close!

HARRY: I'm not taking off my clothes!

RON: How could you mishear me, the music's been turned off!

HARRY: You LIKED Genesis?

SNAPE: Why hello there. I smell an expulsion!

RON: Actually, I think that was Hedwig. She freaked out during the crash.

DUMBLEDORE: What you boys did was very wrong. You could have been seen. You wrecked this tree. But I'm not expelling you yet, because your presence here brings in publicity like you wouldn't believe.

HARRY: Just because my grandmother had a great fondness for leather...

DUMBLEDORE: Time for bed, I think.

RON: I agree.

HARRY: I'm not even touching you!