Chapter 11
The Cooking Show of the Damned
"I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."
~ Hannibal Lecter
"Will the real Big Friendly please stand up, please stand up? We're gonna have a problem here."
~ Variation on a rap song
Willy Wonka had begun his attack full force on FanFiction.net.
The streets were a place of mayhem swarming with oompa-loompas.
Several of them were trying to break into Karita-Chan's office.
BAM! BAM! BAM!
The door fell forward and the midgets swarmed in.
"Get back, you foul creatures! GET BACK!" Karita screamed. She held a laser gun in her hand and began blasting the creatures. They exploded on contact or slammed backwards and hit the wall, breaking their necks.
Karita blew the smoke from her gun. "Get the secretary and tell her to find someone to clean up this mess."
"Yes, ma'am." Said the servant. "But shouldn't you try to help your citizens?"
"Eh, they'll get over it."
An oompa-loompa summoned all its strength to flip Karita off, gave her the finger and flopped back down again.
Skye Firebane looked at the key.
"So what do we do with it?"
"You take it out and insert into thin air as you would to a lock." Said the Walnut. He took it and inserted it into thin air.
A vortex opened.
They all climbed in. The walnut, the walrus, and Firebane were already inside. The Dark Man crawled in and heard someone say 'oof' as if she or he fell.
"Is that you?" He asked Shannon.
"No."
"Hmm..." The Dark Man thought suspiciously.
The two crawled inside.
If the walrus had stayed outside he would've noticed an extra pair of footprints on the ground.
As they were twirling through the vortex, Ceberus barked a low growling sound.
"What is it, boy?" Asked Skye. Ceberus just let out a ruff.
"Really? You said there's a--"
Then they fell out onto the ground.
People hurried onto the train. It was the only train that would take them to a faraway part of FanFiction.net.
Kitty Rainbow sat in the second-left seat. She peered out the window. This was the part where they rode over the cliff and onto the other side. The only things connecting the two were the rails. It was always a bit scary but it showed that they crossed over a border of some sort.
This time a man was standing on the other side. He held a large candy cane. He smashed the railing. It fell apart and plummeted into the abyss.
With a grin, he used his candy cane as a catapult and landed on top of the train.
"Hello, boys and girls!" He cackled. Several planes flew overhead and Oompa-Loompas hovered from them with parachutes.
The Big Friendly Walrus looked around. "Where are we?" He asked.
Shannon looked at a sign. 'MONKEY QUEEN'S COOKING SHOW.' It read. In smaller letters it said, 'All Big Friendly Animals except for Walruses allowed!'
Now, as you know, Monkey Queen died in the Blue Yeti's bathroom. However, she lived on in alternate universe, just like all the Artemises during the battle with Mary Sue. To avoid confusion, she will be known as Monkey Queen X.
Several animals grabbed our heroes. They were all Big and Friendly animals, meant to destroy another Big Friendly animal; the Big Friendly Walrus.
Big Friendly alligators, Big Friendly Polar bears, among all the other animals swarmed over.
"Y'know," Said the Walrus pulling off a cheap amateur after another. "These don't have the same quality as 'Big Friendly Walrus' does. Maybe 'Big Friendly Baboon' or 'Big Friendly Orangutan' or some other monkey name."
"I like monkeys." Said the Dark Man.
The Walrus turned around when he saw Big Friendly Killer Whale, once a friend of the Walrus, aim a hammer. He was wearing a turban.
"Et tu, Killer Whale-ay?" The walrus said to the betraying animal.
"Surrender, American infidel!" The whale screeched. "PRAISE ALLAH!"
Darkness swept over the walrus.
Monkey Queen X stood on a sound stage that looked like a kitchen. Several pots and pans lay on counters with ingredients. In the left corner, the Dark Man, Shannon, the Walnut, Skye and Ceberus (who had a muzzle on him) were all tied up and sitting on the chairs.
Several bloodthirsty monkeys sat in the audiences' seats hooting and hollering. Specks of saliva flew from their mouths.
Monkey Queen X grinned. "Today," She said, sounding like someone trying to emulate the walrus's successful, yet gory, style of writing and failing miserably, "We shall learn how to properly de-tusk the walrus for the most TENDER meat." She licked her lips.
The two Big Friendly Alligators brought in the Walrus. He could feel the eyes of the lunatic monkeys burning down on him. He was thrown onto the stage.
"First, we must de-tusk the walrus." She grinned. She pulled at the tusk. With a roar the walrus jammed up the tusk and ripped off her fingers.
"AAAAAAAAAAGH!" She screamed holding her mutilated hands. "Get them!!!"
Several Big Friendly creatures ran onto the stage holding forks and spoons. Vicious monkeys hung from the ceilings pointing and chattering.
"I think not." Said the Dark Man. He stood up, and the ropes that bound him turned into slithering snakes that went on the floor and slithered all over the audience.
The Monkey Queen X, who was cradling her hand, looked up. "Excuse me?"
"I think not." The Dark Man repeated. It was as if the Stephen King creation had finally emerged through all the layers of Gary Stu. Like Gandalf the Grey turning into Gandalf the White, the Dark Man who had once been a demon who pooped in his pants was now a powerful sorcerer.
Instantly, our heroes felt cotton balls in their nostrils, blocking off the stench of the monkeys. Why had this happened?
Some sort of Harry Potter clone thingy flew in the room. His mouth opened and green gas swarmed all over the place. Monkeys screeched and tried to get out as the gas killed them, stretching their screams of pain into grotesque grins.
"No!" Monkey Queen X howled and ran out of the room.
The Big Friendly Killer whale clutched its throat. He fell to the floor as his face involuntarily stretched into that of a clownish grin. The gas slowly faded away as Harry Potter flew out of the room.
The audience and all the Big Friendly animals were dead.
Shannon removed the cottonballs. "Wow!" She said. "I never knew you had it in you!"
"Can we really blame you?" Asked the Walrus.
"Eeeeeew!" Said the Dark Man lifting his foot from a bludgeoned monkey. "I got goo all over my shoe!"
"What happened to the Dark Sorcerer who we just saw?"
"What Dark Sorcerer?"
"Never mind."
They went outside and walked into the tall grass.
Several monkeys followed tripping through the grass.
"HOO HEE HA!" The monkeys screeched. The walrus turned around and saw the progressing apes.
"RUN!" The walnut cried.
One threw a spear. It whizzed by and fell into the grass.
Splotch!
There was a sound of a screech.
There was a swish of a tail as the monkey was pulled under. Then the sound of a shrill screaming filled the air.
"Critics!" Shannon said. "Run!"
One monkey leaped from the grass to lunge on our heroes.
Then, what seemed like some velociraptor with spectacles on jumped from the grass.
"GAAAAAAAAH!" The monkey, Bride of Lister, screamed. "SMEG OFF!!!!!!!"
"Just because some might think you're the bests since Tom Clancy, that doesn't make it constructive." The raptor said in a British accent.
"But I made Artemis hold Holly's b-b-BRAAAAAAAAA!"
"Lemme see that br-br-bra!" The Dark Man joked.
"I think its lemme see that tha-tha-thong."
"Thongs, bras, what's the difference?"
Monkeys were being pulled left and right by the critics.
"My story IS original!" Screeched a monkey as it had its arm ripped off. "No other original girl had purple eyes and brown hair AT THE SAME TIME!"
As they got out, they held their breaths. They're were no monkeys left by the cold silence marked only by the munching of meat and bone.
Then one monkey popped up. "Arrrr!" He cried. "I'll slit ye throat and eat your bones!"
Then a tree lifted up its leg and squashed it.
"That's a relief." Said Shannon. "Let's get out of here."
"Why didn't your dog eat the monkeys?" the Walnut asked Skye.
"He had gas." The three heads of the dog belched in unison.
"Do you have the key?"
The walrus pulled it out. "I do."
Suddenly a thick cord made out of bananas wrapped itself around the walrus. The key flew from his hands.
Monkey Queen X stood on a giant glider powered by banana juices. She wore an armor-plated suit. Large wings came out from her back, all razor- sharp. Her helmet was that of a demonic sprite, making some sort of Cyber Fairy. The banana-rope had come from the rear of the glider.
"No!" The walrus cried. Her Royal Apeness cackled maniacally and grabbed the rope. She flew off and smashed through several walls, bringing the walrus with her.
The two landed on the floor of an abandoned warehouse.
Monkey Queen X punched the walrus. Blood flew from his mouth.
"Misery, misery." She snarled. "That's what you've chosen. I offer you to be sautéed with sausages, mmmmm...sausages, and you spat in my face."
She punched him again.
"You dilapidated camel." She hissed. "You are sick?"
"What's with the question mark? Do you mean I might NOT be sick?"
"HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY GRAMMATICAL INCONSISTENCIES!!!!!!!!" SLAM! The walrus went flying.
"Ugh!" He smacked into the wall. She used an uppercut and sent him flying. Then she threw a banana bomb. It exploded and ripped the whiskers across the walrus's face, leaving him dazed.
Her Royal Apeness kept on punching the walrus again and again. She threw him against the wall.
She grabbed a pitchfork. "Had you not been so selfish, your little friends' deaths would have been painless and tasty. But now since you've really pissed me off, I'm gonna finish them just like you: nice...and slow...and, er, untasty." She raised the pitchfork and jammed it toward him. He grabbed it. She pushed forward when the walrus kicked her in the chest she went flying across the room.
It was the walrus's turn now. He was hurt, he was pissed, and he smelt like bananas. With a flip of his flipper, he grabbed her between the two flip-thingies and slammed her back and forth on the wall.
She slid down, beaten. Overwhelmed with rage, the walrus raised a fist.
"No!" She cried. "Wait! Please, help me!"
The walrus stared.
"Thank God for you, Walrus. Thank god for you. You saved me from the inner evil. Please. Help me."
"You tried to kill my friends."
"But not you!" Monkey Queen X cried. "I WUV you!"
Unbeknownst to the walrus, the queen of all apes was controlling the glider. It hovered behind the walrus. Two spikes flipped out from the front.
"Please." The Queen pleaded. "I'm a cannibal. You like cannibals, don't you? I'm just like Jeffrey Dahmer."
"I liked Hannibal Lecter."
"Dahmer, Lecter, what's the difference?"
"There's a whole lot of difference between the two. Just like the difference between us." The walrus said. "You try to emulate my styles but all you can get down pat is the senseless gore. And senseless gore on its own never works."
Then Monkey Queen's face etched into an expression of insanity. Whatever good in her was overrun by the evil.
"Godspeed, Dilapidated Camel."
The glider lunged forward and the walrus leapt up.
It went forward and plunged through Monkey Queen's abdomen.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!" She screamed. She jerked back and forth as blood sprayed all over the floor, mixing with the bananas and forming a ghastly pink. "Gggggggggggggg..."
She plopped forward dead.
"She's dead." The walrus said. "Somehow, I thought it would mean more than this."
The Little Mean Walnut stood outside the warehouse. "I'm going in."
"No!" Shannon said. "Then Monkey Queen will kill him if she knows we're in there."
The walrus came forward from the wreckage.
"What happened?" Asked Shannon.
"Eeeewwwww!" The Dark Man cried. "You smell like banana yogurt!"
"Let's just go." The walrus said. He lifted up the key. "I just want to go home, even if we're on top a doomed train crowded with green-haired midgets."
He inserted it into thin air. A vortex appeared and they all fell forward.
They landed on top of a doomed train crowded with green-haired midgets. Willy Wonka stood before them cackling maniacally.
"You and your big mouth." Pouted Shannon.
The Cooking Show of the Damned
"I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."
~ Hannibal Lecter
"Will the real Big Friendly please stand up, please stand up? We're gonna have a problem here."
~ Variation on a rap song
Willy Wonka had begun his attack full force on FanFiction.net.
The streets were a place of mayhem swarming with oompa-loompas.
Several of them were trying to break into Karita-Chan's office.
BAM! BAM! BAM!
The door fell forward and the midgets swarmed in.
"Get back, you foul creatures! GET BACK!" Karita screamed. She held a laser gun in her hand and began blasting the creatures. They exploded on contact or slammed backwards and hit the wall, breaking their necks.
Karita blew the smoke from her gun. "Get the secretary and tell her to find someone to clean up this mess."
"Yes, ma'am." Said the servant. "But shouldn't you try to help your citizens?"
"Eh, they'll get over it."
An oompa-loompa summoned all its strength to flip Karita off, gave her the finger and flopped back down again.
Skye Firebane looked at the key.
"So what do we do with it?"
"You take it out and insert into thin air as you would to a lock." Said the Walnut. He took it and inserted it into thin air.
A vortex opened.
They all climbed in. The walnut, the walrus, and Firebane were already inside. The Dark Man crawled in and heard someone say 'oof' as if she or he fell.
"Is that you?" He asked Shannon.
"No."
"Hmm..." The Dark Man thought suspiciously.
The two crawled inside.
If the walrus had stayed outside he would've noticed an extra pair of footprints on the ground.
As they were twirling through the vortex, Ceberus barked a low growling sound.
"What is it, boy?" Asked Skye. Ceberus just let out a ruff.
"Really? You said there's a--"
Then they fell out onto the ground.
People hurried onto the train. It was the only train that would take them to a faraway part of FanFiction.net.
Kitty Rainbow sat in the second-left seat. She peered out the window. This was the part where they rode over the cliff and onto the other side. The only things connecting the two were the rails. It was always a bit scary but it showed that they crossed over a border of some sort.
This time a man was standing on the other side. He held a large candy cane. He smashed the railing. It fell apart and plummeted into the abyss.
With a grin, he used his candy cane as a catapult and landed on top of the train.
"Hello, boys and girls!" He cackled. Several planes flew overhead and Oompa-Loompas hovered from them with parachutes.
The Big Friendly Walrus looked around. "Where are we?" He asked.
Shannon looked at a sign. 'MONKEY QUEEN'S COOKING SHOW.' It read. In smaller letters it said, 'All Big Friendly Animals except for Walruses allowed!'
Now, as you know, Monkey Queen died in the Blue Yeti's bathroom. However, she lived on in alternate universe, just like all the Artemises during the battle with Mary Sue. To avoid confusion, she will be known as Monkey Queen X.
Several animals grabbed our heroes. They were all Big and Friendly animals, meant to destroy another Big Friendly animal; the Big Friendly Walrus.
Big Friendly alligators, Big Friendly Polar bears, among all the other animals swarmed over.
"Y'know," Said the Walrus pulling off a cheap amateur after another. "These don't have the same quality as 'Big Friendly Walrus' does. Maybe 'Big Friendly Baboon' or 'Big Friendly Orangutan' or some other monkey name."
"I like monkeys." Said the Dark Man.
The Walrus turned around when he saw Big Friendly Killer Whale, once a friend of the Walrus, aim a hammer. He was wearing a turban.
"Et tu, Killer Whale-ay?" The walrus said to the betraying animal.
"Surrender, American infidel!" The whale screeched. "PRAISE ALLAH!"
Darkness swept over the walrus.
Monkey Queen X stood on a sound stage that looked like a kitchen. Several pots and pans lay on counters with ingredients. In the left corner, the Dark Man, Shannon, the Walnut, Skye and Ceberus (who had a muzzle on him) were all tied up and sitting on the chairs.
Several bloodthirsty monkeys sat in the audiences' seats hooting and hollering. Specks of saliva flew from their mouths.
Monkey Queen X grinned. "Today," She said, sounding like someone trying to emulate the walrus's successful, yet gory, style of writing and failing miserably, "We shall learn how to properly de-tusk the walrus for the most TENDER meat." She licked her lips.
The two Big Friendly Alligators brought in the Walrus. He could feel the eyes of the lunatic monkeys burning down on him. He was thrown onto the stage.
"First, we must de-tusk the walrus." She grinned. She pulled at the tusk. With a roar the walrus jammed up the tusk and ripped off her fingers.
"AAAAAAAAAAGH!" She screamed holding her mutilated hands. "Get them!!!"
Several Big Friendly creatures ran onto the stage holding forks and spoons. Vicious monkeys hung from the ceilings pointing and chattering.
"I think not." Said the Dark Man. He stood up, and the ropes that bound him turned into slithering snakes that went on the floor and slithered all over the audience.
The Monkey Queen X, who was cradling her hand, looked up. "Excuse me?"
"I think not." The Dark Man repeated. It was as if the Stephen King creation had finally emerged through all the layers of Gary Stu. Like Gandalf the Grey turning into Gandalf the White, the Dark Man who had once been a demon who pooped in his pants was now a powerful sorcerer.
Instantly, our heroes felt cotton balls in their nostrils, blocking off the stench of the monkeys. Why had this happened?
Some sort of Harry Potter clone thingy flew in the room. His mouth opened and green gas swarmed all over the place. Monkeys screeched and tried to get out as the gas killed them, stretching their screams of pain into grotesque grins.
"No!" Monkey Queen X howled and ran out of the room.
The Big Friendly Killer whale clutched its throat. He fell to the floor as his face involuntarily stretched into that of a clownish grin. The gas slowly faded away as Harry Potter flew out of the room.
The audience and all the Big Friendly animals were dead.
Shannon removed the cottonballs. "Wow!" She said. "I never knew you had it in you!"
"Can we really blame you?" Asked the Walrus.
"Eeeeeew!" Said the Dark Man lifting his foot from a bludgeoned monkey. "I got goo all over my shoe!"
"What happened to the Dark Sorcerer who we just saw?"
"What Dark Sorcerer?"
"Never mind."
They went outside and walked into the tall grass.
Several monkeys followed tripping through the grass.
"HOO HEE HA!" The monkeys screeched. The walrus turned around and saw the progressing apes.
"RUN!" The walnut cried.
One threw a spear. It whizzed by and fell into the grass.
Splotch!
There was a sound of a screech.
There was a swish of a tail as the monkey was pulled under. Then the sound of a shrill screaming filled the air.
"Critics!" Shannon said. "Run!"
One monkey leaped from the grass to lunge on our heroes.
Then, what seemed like some velociraptor with spectacles on jumped from the grass.
"GAAAAAAAAH!" The monkey, Bride of Lister, screamed. "SMEG OFF!!!!!!!"
"Just because some might think you're the bests since Tom Clancy, that doesn't make it constructive." The raptor said in a British accent.
"But I made Artemis hold Holly's b-b-BRAAAAAAAAA!"
"Lemme see that br-br-bra!" The Dark Man joked.
"I think its lemme see that tha-tha-thong."
"Thongs, bras, what's the difference?"
Monkeys were being pulled left and right by the critics.
"My story IS original!" Screeched a monkey as it had its arm ripped off. "No other original girl had purple eyes and brown hair AT THE SAME TIME!"
As they got out, they held their breaths. They're were no monkeys left by the cold silence marked only by the munching of meat and bone.
Then one monkey popped up. "Arrrr!" He cried. "I'll slit ye throat and eat your bones!"
Then a tree lifted up its leg and squashed it.
"That's a relief." Said Shannon. "Let's get out of here."
"Why didn't your dog eat the monkeys?" the Walnut asked Skye.
"He had gas." The three heads of the dog belched in unison.
"Do you have the key?"
The walrus pulled it out. "I do."
Suddenly a thick cord made out of bananas wrapped itself around the walrus. The key flew from his hands.
Monkey Queen X stood on a giant glider powered by banana juices. She wore an armor-plated suit. Large wings came out from her back, all razor- sharp. Her helmet was that of a demonic sprite, making some sort of Cyber Fairy. The banana-rope had come from the rear of the glider.
"No!" The walrus cried. Her Royal Apeness cackled maniacally and grabbed the rope. She flew off and smashed through several walls, bringing the walrus with her.
The two landed on the floor of an abandoned warehouse.
Monkey Queen X punched the walrus. Blood flew from his mouth.
"Misery, misery." She snarled. "That's what you've chosen. I offer you to be sautéed with sausages, mmmmm...sausages, and you spat in my face."
She punched him again.
"You dilapidated camel." She hissed. "You are sick?"
"What's with the question mark? Do you mean I might NOT be sick?"
"HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY GRAMMATICAL INCONSISTENCIES!!!!!!!!" SLAM! The walrus went flying.
"Ugh!" He smacked into the wall. She used an uppercut and sent him flying. Then she threw a banana bomb. It exploded and ripped the whiskers across the walrus's face, leaving him dazed.
Her Royal Apeness kept on punching the walrus again and again. She threw him against the wall.
She grabbed a pitchfork. "Had you not been so selfish, your little friends' deaths would have been painless and tasty. But now since you've really pissed me off, I'm gonna finish them just like you: nice...and slow...and, er, untasty." She raised the pitchfork and jammed it toward him. He grabbed it. She pushed forward when the walrus kicked her in the chest she went flying across the room.
It was the walrus's turn now. He was hurt, he was pissed, and he smelt like bananas. With a flip of his flipper, he grabbed her between the two flip-thingies and slammed her back and forth on the wall.
She slid down, beaten. Overwhelmed with rage, the walrus raised a fist.
"No!" She cried. "Wait! Please, help me!"
The walrus stared.
"Thank God for you, Walrus. Thank god for you. You saved me from the inner evil. Please. Help me."
"You tried to kill my friends."
"But not you!" Monkey Queen X cried. "I WUV you!"
Unbeknownst to the walrus, the queen of all apes was controlling the glider. It hovered behind the walrus. Two spikes flipped out from the front.
"Please." The Queen pleaded. "I'm a cannibal. You like cannibals, don't you? I'm just like Jeffrey Dahmer."
"I liked Hannibal Lecter."
"Dahmer, Lecter, what's the difference?"
"There's a whole lot of difference between the two. Just like the difference between us." The walrus said. "You try to emulate my styles but all you can get down pat is the senseless gore. And senseless gore on its own never works."
Then Monkey Queen's face etched into an expression of insanity. Whatever good in her was overrun by the evil.
"Godspeed, Dilapidated Camel."
The glider lunged forward and the walrus leapt up.
It went forward and plunged through Monkey Queen's abdomen.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!" She screamed. She jerked back and forth as blood sprayed all over the floor, mixing with the bananas and forming a ghastly pink. "Gggggggggggggg..."
She plopped forward dead.
"She's dead." The walrus said. "Somehow, I thought it would mean more than this."
The Little Mean Walnut stood outside the warehouse. "I'm going in."
"No!" Shannon said. "Then Monkey Queen will kill him if she knows we're in there."
The walrus came forward from the wreckage.
"What happened?" Asked Shannon.
"Eeeewwwww!" The Dark Man cried. "You smell like banana yogurt!"
"Let's just go." The walrus said. He lifted up the key. "I just want to go home, even if we're on top a doomed train crowded with green-haired midgets."
He inserted it into thin air. A vortex appeared and they all fell forward.
They landed on top of a doomed train crowded with green-haired midgets. Willy Wonka stood before them cackling maniacally.
"You and your big mouth." Pouted Shannon.
