Chapter 12

Of drunken fairies, bewildered Artemises and sinister Loompas

"FriendlyWalrus: Are you an oompa loompa?

iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa: Nope

FriendlyWalrus: Really?

iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa: Whos this?

FriendlyWalrus: Willy Wonka

iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa: Well, ht

iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa: thats intresting

FriendlyWalrus: Oompa-loompa-doopity do

iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa: How'd you get my s/n

FriendlyWalrus: By searching in the interests

FriendlyWalrus: I am looking for rogue loompas

iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa: where do you live?

FriendlyWalrus: In the Chocolate factory, of course!

iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa: oh sorry, how could I forget?

FriendlyWalrus: Have you been stealing the everlasting gobstoppers?

iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa: yeah...sorry...

FriendlyWalrus: I want them back!

iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa: I didnt think you would notice...

FriendlyWalrus: I AM LORD WONKA! I KNOW EVERYTHING!

FriendlyWalrus: Bow down 2 me, green-haired midget!"

~ An AOL Conversation between FriendlyWalrus and iNOTaUmPaLoOmPa

Willy Wonka stood before the Walrus.

"How did you get here?" He hissed. "Did you get any of my illegal smuggled drugs, er, candy with flying powers? One of my loompas tested those out and he went higher and higher till he suffocated in space. " He gave a demented cackle.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Why can't Mary Sue be original? Why does FanFiction.net make several annoying changes, such as hiding the NC-17 stories and then deleting them entirely? How does writing dirty stories make you a creepy perverted bastard?" He hissed. "The answers of this world don't come wrapped in a shiny little package, m'boy."

"Behind you!" Shannon cried.

The walrus turned around to see an Oompa Loompa come towards him.

"Bloody Hell!" He thought he heard someone say when the Oompa Loompa let out a scream and toppled over the train. The train was now on a thin line between two large cliffs. The midget lost his balance and fell into the abyss.

"CHAAAAAAAAARGE!" Wonka cried.

The Loompas charged forward brandishing weapons. They threw candy bombs and they exploded. The train slightly derailed off the track.

"EEEEEEEEE!" The passengers cried.

Shannon's House, The Realm of Arty FanFics...

Artemis remembered some blurry image and sweet laughter before he had passed out.

He woke up and felt an increasingly painful hangover in him. "Ugh..." He moaned. He looked and saw several beer bottles all over the floor.

He picked one up. It read 'Fairy Whiskey'. It showed a fairy in a revealing outfit drinking the whiskey, and saying "Now THATSH magic!"

Artemis got up and staggered over before toppling back into bed.

He felt something brush against his back. He turned around and picked up something silky soft: a black satin bra.

FanFiction.net...

The Blue Yeti looked outside the window. Karita-Chan sat at her desk.

"How many are there?" It asked.

"Ten thousand."

"Then let them come strong." It said solemnly.

The warriors held their weapons.

The Oompa Loompas hurried across the horizon screaming war cries.

Several hails of bullets greeted them.

Rows of them screamed and fell forward or backwards.

There had to be a thousand more.

Blue Yeti ran down the stairs. "Where are you going?" Karita called.

She got no answer.

Blue Yeti pulled out a harpoon gun and peeked out a window.

It shot it once, and it worked like a fishing rod. It impaled the loompa, and all it could do was scream in agony as it got pulled up towards the hungry jaws of the beast.

It shot it again and again and again till the room was crowded with bloody corpses waiting to be feasted upon.

The Doomed Train...

The train was heading towards the cliff. In 20 minutes they would all be doomed.

The walrus charged forward toward the Candyman.

"Oof!" Wonka cried as he fell on his back. He felt a tusk rip through his cane. He brought it up to see it broken in half. Green stars fizzed from the tip.

"You cost me m'wand, boy!" Wonka screeched and smashed the walrus over the head. His large belly drooped over his pants as his buttons snapped. It hung over the walrus. A drop of foul sweat dripped from the flab and onto the walrus's face. He grimaced.

Shannon's House...

Artemis held the bra in his hands. "What the--?"

He ran downstairs. "Butleeeeeeeeer!" He called.

"Yes, sir?" Butler asked tiredly. He yawned and covered his mouth.

"Do you know what this is?"

"A bra, sir?"

"I know that!"

"Let me see." Butler said and grabbed the bra.

He grabbed it and covered his face with it, inhaling the smell

Holly came downstairs topless.

"Where'sss...sss...mah...my...b...braaaaaaaaa?" She slurred.

Artemis grabbed it from Butler and threw it forward. Holly picked it up and draped it around her neck. "I go now." She slurred. Artemis could smell an aura of vomit around her, and some from the bathroom.

"What happened?"

"I did here hollering upstairs and the crashing of bottles." Butler said.

"Are you saying that we did IT?" Artemis said. "But she's already pregnant!"

"Ah, ah, ah!" Said Butler. "She was in labor the other day. She gave birth to a wonderful, perfect fairy with wings and jeweled eyes and crimson lips and..."

"A Mary Sue." Artemis grumbled. "Always happens when a guy shags a fairy." He coughed. "So, where was I?"

"In the living room eating caviar." Butler said.

"Damn!"

What looked like an angel flew down the stairs with Legolas.

"I'm joining the Fellowship!" She giggled. "Bye, pa!"

"For God's Sake, you're only two days old!"

"Yes, but I'm already a dazzling teen!"

Outside Legolas went with his new bride.

A red car zoomed by. Gollum was driving it. He was wearing black sunglasses. "Hop in, bay-bee!" He hissed. "We're a highway, my preciousss, yess, and you're going to ride it all night long!"

Legolas giggled and jumped inside. The two drove off kissing.

"My love!" She sobbed and tried catching the two lovers.

She ran down the road.

She turned around to see a car that had 'The Road Virus' painted on its side drive toward her. A man with long blonde hair with a motorcycle jacket on. He was grinning at her.

She noticed his teeth were filed to sharp points.

The Doomed Train...

The walrus kicked up the Lord of Artificial Sweeteners.

"UGH!" He tripped and fell over.

With a roar he smashed the walrus against the ground and then threw him against the cliff.

The walrus felt wind brushing against his face as he was thrown back. He bumped into someone and toppled over.

"Bloody Hell!" the person under the walrus screamed.

The air opened up revealing a boy, a teenager only, with red hair wearing a cloak. The walrus recognized him from the battle with Mary Sue. He recognized the look of rage on his face, and realized that he had been following them ever since that battle.

It was Ron Weasley.