Chapter 13
Weasley
"She really needs to set out her priorities!"
~ Ron Weasley
Ron stood before them.
"So..." He breathed. "We meet again."
"You've been following us, haven't you?" Asked Shannon in a dull voice.
"Of course!" Chuckled Ron. "The invisibility cloak kept me well-hidden."
"Hey!" The Dark Man said. "Why is everything getting so wavy and distorted and stuff?"
"It's the obligatory flashback, you fool!" Ron hissed.
A couple of days, weeks, months ago (whatever...I really don't know how much time passed...)
Harry and his friends were staying at that sexy, smart, funny, PERFECT new girl's house during the vacation.
Ron got up. He heard a noise. "Blimey!" He said. "Harry, wake up!"
"Wha--?" Harry mumbled half-awake.
Ron ran down the hallway. There was a crashing sound.
Be cautious, he thought. Act normal. Don't get her worked up. Act normal. Don't scare her.
He turned around and ran inside.
"Hi, Mary! Thanks for saving Hogwarts from...YOU BLOODY MURDERER!" He cried upon seeing the ghastly sight.
Mary Sue was lying on the floor next to some walrus. One of its tusks was bloody. Ron' s eyes darted toward his angel of perfection to see a large wound.
Ron turned around and began running.
"Its not what it looks like!" The walrus cried out behind him. Ron barely heard him.
Ron burrowed around Harry's closet.
"T-shirts, robes, heeeeeeey! Nice underwear! Pants, shoes....where is that damn invisibility cloak???"
Ron found it and put it on. He looked like a floating head.
"Bloody Hell!" He whispered in his British slang. "That flubbernooger is rip-roaring fantastic, wot wot!"
He ran down the hallway and into the room. The walrus was now standing in front of some portal with some strange people.
"The bloody schloobernooging bastard..." Ron whispered in his nifty British dialect. The portal was about to close up and Ron jumped in.
The vision swirled as the obligatory flashback scene went out of view.
"...and now we meet again, murderer." Ron whispered. Quick as a flash, he whipped out two wands from his robe.
"EYAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Ron let out a battle cry and lunged for the walrus swinging his wands back and forth. The walrus dodged his blows feverishly.
"I didn't kill your girlfriend!" The walrus said.
"Liar!" Ron screamed. He let out a barrage of green sparks. The walrus dodged them and they blasted onto the top of the train, peeling away at its exterior. The blubbery animal tripped and fell into the train.
The walrus was inside the train. He could feel the heat of the eyes staring down his back.
"We're all gonna DIE!!!!!" Screamed an old man with bulging eyes.
Everyone started screaming and the train was of an uproar.
Ron leaped down.
"Now you're mine." He hissed. He warped out his two wands and flipped them around like some ninja weirdo on crack. A series of stars burst out hurtling toward the Big Friendly Walrus.
One of them hit him, burning his shoulder. The others ricocheted around the train. The majority of them hit Mary Sue writers. No great loss there.
The remaining stars zoomed into the cockpit hitting the controls. The train skidded near the edge and stopped.
The walrus wiped sweat from his brow. He let his guard down. And that's when Ron struck.
The deranged British schoolboy lunged forward about to jam the wands through the walrus's soft, moist blubbery midsection when the walrus called out; "Wait!"
Ron stopped. "What?"
"That new girl, whatever, Mary Sue was not your friend. She was one of the last of a dying alien race."
"I LOVED her!"
"She has powers of seduction! I-Its not HUMAN! She's physically perfect! Her only flaws are flat feet! She can do anything she wants! Heck, she can be a guy!"
Ron stopped. "What are you saying? That the girl I loved was some sort of men-attracting alien creature?"
"That, or poorly written self-insertions."
Ron stared at the walrus. He heard the clamor of battles above the train. He stared at the wands.
"Let's kick some loompa-butt." He said in an intimidating voice. He put on black shades.
"Uh-- right." The walrus said. Harry acting like some Aragorn-wannabe on the promo picture for Chamber of Secrets was enough, but this was ridiculous.
Above the train Loompas kept on descending onto the train.
"There's too many of them!" Panted Shannon.
"Pah!" A voice said. Ron stood there. "Such paltry work for someone like me."
"What?" Said the Little Mean Walnut. "Are you going to use some magic?"
"No..."
"Kickass, climatic battling?"
"Not exactly."
"Then what?"
Ron picked up a loompa and began swinging it around. "Geroff me!" It shouted.
"This is a humane way to do it. It just leaves them dazed." He threw it. The loompa let out a scream as he fell off the tracks and into the rocks, leaving a large smear of blood.
"Oops. I guess this is different from the garden."
Shannon picked one up. She was hesitant. They were so CUTE! Then it bit down on her fingers.
"OW!" Shannon roared. "Motherfucker!" She threw the Loompa away. It let out a scream and smashed into the rocks.
Loompas began running in all directions. Some even tripped off.
After all the loompas were gone, the walrus let out a breath. "Thank god."
"I'm a bit stunned." Said a voice. Said Willy Wonka. He held a large sack of candy of his shoulder. "But then again, all those fuckers were good for was a catchy song here and then. I wonder how they are doing over at FanFiction.net?" He pulled out one of his viewing screens and located a viewing screen that showed the tiny cameras placed in the loompas' optic nerves.
Each single screen was static. They were gone. The ones that were working were barely audible and showed something furry and blue's large mouth up close.
Willy Wonka stared in shock. "No..." He moaned. "This isn't happening."
"It is, you bloody git!" Ron cried over-dramatically.
"Are you c-c-CHALLENGING me?" Willy Wonka stared at Ron.
"Bloody sure of it, mate!" Ron said in his British slang.
Willy Wonka jumped on a higher cart, and began throwing candy canes with deadly accuracy. Ron dodged them and threw his wand. Wonka grabbed it effortlessly and threw it back.
It looked as if Ron caught it, but on second look it revealed it had went through Ron's hand.
"Aggh!" Ron said with gritted teeth as he pulled the wand out from his bloody hand. " Crucio!"
Willy Wonka let out a scream of agony. He clutched his head as blood dribbled from his ears. His hat fell off and into the train's hole.
At last it was over. Wonka stood palms first on the train's top. "Foul demon." He breathed.
Ron looked at the candy man, outraged. "Satanic, this! Witchcraft, that!" He said mockingly. "Since when does pointing a wand and eating beans that taste like a baby's shit make you a Satan-in-training?!"
"So, I guess...that...all those religious bigots like Eric Barger were wrong about you...eh?"
"No." Said Ron, and his eyes glowed a crimson red. "They were right."
It seemed the sky lit up with fire for a second. Wonka screamed as frogs rained down from the sky, and rain turned to blood. He crawled forward and stood up. He noticed a wand lying on the ground. Ron's.
"Face my wrath, mortal!" Ron said in a voice yet unlike his own.
"You're good, baby." Wonka said. He threw a Gobstopper with lightning accuracy. It landed in Ron's throat. Ron began choking. "But me?" Wonka whispered. "I'm magic."
He pulled Ron closer. "And for my next trick..." He grinned and pulled out Ron's wand. He jammed into Ron's stomach, impaling him. Ron let out a gasp. The wand did not rip through the back of Ron's robe, but the area around it bulged.
Wonka pulled the wand out, and the bulge disappeared. Ron fell to the ground, motionless.
He looked at the wand and threw it aside.
"NO!" The walrus cried.
Wonka let out a sick laugh and threw an exploding sucker. It went off with a boom.
The walrus was thrown back and crashed into the walnut.
"I...can't do...it." The walrus whispered to his butler. "I'm...nothing now."
"Ha! You think you're nothing? I'm just a character based on one of Blue Yeti's puns! I have no personality! You're not nothing!"
"Was that supposed to make me feel better?"
"Yes, you stupid schmuck." The walnut said. "Get him. Kill the beast once and for all."
The confidence now back, the walrus leapt forward.
One was going to die in this fight. Some already had. He just hoped he wouldn't be among them.
Weasley
"She really needs to set out her priorities!"
~ Ron Weasley
Ron stood before them.
"So..." He breathed. "We meet again."
"You've been following us, haven't you?" Asked Shannon in a dull voice.
"Of course!" Chuckled Ron. "The invisibility cloak kept me well-hidden."
"Hey!" The Dark Man said. "Why is everything getting so wavy and distorted and stuff?"
"It's the obligatory flashback, you fool!" Ron hissed.
A couple of days, weeks, months ago (whatever...I really don't know how much time passed...)
Harry and his friends were staying at that sexy, smart, funny, PERFECT new girl's house during the vacation.
Ron got up. He heard a noise. "Blimey!" He said. "Harry, wake up!"
"Wha--?" Harry mumbled half-awake.
Ron ran down the hallway. There was a crashing sound.
Be cautious, he thought. Act normal. Don't get her worked up. Act normal. Don't scare her.
He turned around and ran inside.
"Hi, Mary! Thanks for saving Hogwarts from...YOU BLOODY MURDERER!" He cried upon seeing the ghastly sight.
Mary Sue was lying on the floor next to some walrus. One of its tusks was bloody. Ron' s eyes darted toward his angel of perfection to see a large wound.
Ron turned around and began running.
"Its not what it looks like!" The walrus cried out behind him. Ron barely heard him.
Ron burrowed around Harry's closet.
"T-shirts, robes, heeeeeeey! Nice underwear! Pants, shoes....where is that damn invisibility cloak???"
Ron found it and put it on. He looked like a floating head.
"Bloody Hell!" He whispered in his British slang. "That flubbernooger is rip-roaring fantastic, wot wot!"
He ran down the hallway and into the room. The walrus was now standing in front of some portal with some strange people.
"The bloody schloobernooging bastard..." Ron whispered in his nifty British dialect. The portal was about to close up and Ron jumped in.
The vision swirled as the obligatory flashback scene went out of view.
"...and now we meet again, murderer." Ron whispered. Quick as a flash, he whipped out two wands from his robe.
"EYAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Ron let out a battle cry and lunged for the walrus swinging his wands back and forth. The walrus dodged his blows feverishly.
"I didn't kill your girlfriend!" The walrus said.
"Liar!" Ron screamed. He let out a barrage of green sparks. The walrus dodged them and they blasted onto the top of the train, peeling away at its exterior. The blubbery animal tripped and fell into the train.
The walrus was inside the train. He could feel the heat of the eyes staring down his back.
"We're all gonna DIE!!!!!" Screamed an old man with bulging eyes.
Everyone started screaming and the train was of an uproar.
Ron leaped down.
"Now you're mine." He hissed. He warped out his two wands and flipped them around like some ninja weirdo on crack. A series of stars burst out hurtling toward the Big Friendly Walrus.
One of them hit him, burning his shoulder. The others ricocheted around the train. The majority of them hit Mary Sue writers. No great loss there.
The remaining stars zoomed into the cockpit hitting the controls. The train skidded near the edge and stopped.
The walrus wiped sweat from his brow. He let his guard down. And that's when Ron struck.
The deranged British schoolboy lunged forward about to jam the wands through the walrus's soft, moist blubbery midsection when the walrus called out; "Wait!"
Ron stopped. "What?"
"That new girl, whatever, Mary Sue was not your friend. She was one of the last of a dying alien race."
"I LOVED her!"
"She has powers of seduction! I-Its not HUMAN! She's physically perfect! Her only flaws are flat feet! She can do anything she wants! Heck, she can be a guy!"
Ron stopped. "What are you saying? That the girl I loved was some sort of men-attracting alien creature?"
"That, or poorly written self-insertions."
Ron stared at the walrus. He heard the clamor of battles above the train. He stared at the wands.
"Let's kick some loompa-butt." He said in an intimidating voice. He put on black shades.
"Uh-- right." The walrus said. Harry acting like some Aragorn-wannabe on the promo picture for Chamber of Secrets was enough, but this was ridiculous.
Above the train Loompas kept on descending onto the train.
"There's too many of them!" Panted Shannon.
"Pah!" A voice said. Ron stood there. "Such paltry work for someone like me."
"What?" Said the Little Mean Walnut. "Are you going to use some magic?"
"No..."
"Kickass, climatic battling?"
"Not exactly."
"Then what?"
Ron picked up a loompa and began swinging it around. "Geroff me!" It shouted.
"This is a humane way to do it. It just leaves them dazed." He threw it. The loompa let out a scream as he fell off the tracks and into the rocks, leaving a large smear of blood.
"Oops. I guess this is different from the garden."
Shannon picked one up. She was hesitant. They were so CUTE! Then it bit down on her fingers.
"OW!" Shannon roared. "Motherfucker!" She threw the Loompa away. It let out a scream and smashed into the rocks.
Loompas began running in all directions. Some even tripped off.
After all the loompas were gone, the walrus let out a breath. "Thank god."
"I'm a bit stunned." Said a voice. Said Willy Wonka. He held a large sack of candy of his shoulder. "But then again, all those fuckers were good for was a catchy song here and then. I wonder how they are doing over at FanFiction.net?" He pulled out one of his viewing screens and located a viewing screen that showed the tiny cameras placed in the loompas' optic nerves.
Each single screen was static. They were gone. The ones that were working were barely audible and showed something furry and blue's large mouth up close.
Willy Wonka stared in shock. "No..." He moaned. "This isn't happening."
"It is, you bloody git!" Ron cried over-dramatically.
"Are you c-c-CHALLENGING me?" Willy Wonka stared at Ron.
"Bloody sure of it, mate!" Ron said in his British slang.
Willy Wonka jumped on a higher cart, and began throwing candy canes with deadly accuracy. Ron dodged them and threw his wand. Wonka grabbed it effortlessly and threw it back.
It looked as if Ron caught it, but on second look it revealed it had went through Ron's hand.
"Aggh!" Ron said with gritted teeth as he pulled the wand out from his bloody hand. " Crucio!"
Willy Wonka let out a scream of agony. He clutched his head as blood dribbled from his ears. His hat fell off and into the train's hole.
At last it was over. Wonka stood palms first on the train's top. "Foul demon." He breathed.
Ron looked at the candy man, outraged. "Satanic, this! Witchcraft, that!" He said mockingly. "Since when does pointing a wand and eating beans that taste like a baby's shit make you a Satan-in-training?!"
"So, I guess...that...all those religious bigots like Eric Barger were wrong about you...eh?"
"No." Said Ron, and his eyes glowed a crimson red. "They were right."
It seemed the sky lit up with fire for a second. Wonka screamed as frogs rained down from the sky, and rain turned to blood. He crawled forward and stood up. He noticed a wand lying on the ground. Ron's.
"Face my wrath, mortal!" Ron said in a voice yet unlike his own.
"You're good, baby." Wonka said. He threw a Gobstopper with lightning accuracy. It landed in Ron's throat. Ron began choking. "But me?" Wonka whispered. "I'm magic."
He pulled Ron closer. "And for my next trick..." He grinned and pulled out Ron's wand. He jammed into Ron's stomach, impaling him. Ron let out a gasp. The wand did not rip through the back of Ron's robe, but the area around it bulged.
Wonka pulled the wand out, and the bulge disappeared. Ron fell to the ground, motionless.
He looked at the wand and threw it aside.
"NO!" The walrus cried.
Wonka let out a sick laugh and threw an exploding sucker. It went off with a boom.
The walrus was thrown back and crashed into the walnut.
"I...can't do...it." The walrus whispered to his butler. "I'm...nothing now."
"Ha! You think you're nothing? I'm just a character based on one of Blue Yeti's puns! I have no personality! You're not nothing!"
"Was that supposed to make me feel better?"
"Yes, you stupid schmuck." The walnut said. "Get him. Kill the beast once and for all."
The confidence now back, the walrus leapt forward.
One was going to die in this fight. Some already had. He just hoped he wouldn't be among them.
