Chapter Six
November 15th
The last ten days have been an absolute nightmare. I can hardly keep my eyes open to see what I'm writing right now. I have hardly been sleeping because I've been so worried about Mom. And Dad so no help as usual.
So, I asked Mom how she was feeling and she said nauseous and tired. I told her what I thought and she said, "How could that happen? Ben hasn't slept in here for ages,"
She wouldn't listen to me when I tried to remind her how it could have happened. She has totally blocked the entire experience out of her head. I guess that would have been a good thing if this new development hadn't come to my attention. But it is true. I went to the drug store and got a pregnancy test. The only way I could get Mom to take it was to tell her I would be very hurt if she didn't.
It's true. She's pregnant. This is bad. I knew it was bad. She can't even comprehend the severity of what has happened. When I told her what the test revealed she actually smiled and she would have to tell Ben right away. But she can't tell him! He will know it's not his!
I managed to get her to keep the secret until I got her to the doctor. I told her we wouldn't want to get Dad's hopes up if it was just a false alarm.
I guess I was still hoping that the test was wrong. It had to be. Mom could NOT be pregnant. She could barely be a mother to me anymore, let alone another child.
I knew I couldn't take her to the doctor by myself so I called Zack. I was almost in hysterics as I told him the whole story over the phone. He came over right away and just stood in the front foyer holding me in his arms. After awhile I finally felt strong enough to face my mother and the truth. I don't know what I would have done without Zack.
He drove Mom and I to the doctors office. Mom seemed very confused about who he as and where we were going. I tried to explain it to her but it's as if she has regressed and is a little kid again. She doesn't understand what pregnant means it seems.
I told the doctor exactly everything that had happened. I couldn't leave anything out. I need as much help as I can get here.
Mom definitely is pregnant. Two months along. I cried for what seemed like hours. Mom kept asking me what was wrong. I thought I was going to scream when she asked me for about the twentieth time.
Zack sat in his car with me when we got home. Mom went inside to take a nap. Again.
"What am I going to do Zack?" I asked through the sobs that racked my body.
"Don't worry, I'll help you with everything," he said.
"I can't do that to you, this isn't your family," I said.
"Hannah," he said taking me hand. I turned towards him to find a small smile playing on his beautiful, soft lips.
"Yes?" I asked blinking back the tears.
"I love you, I would do anything for you," he said.
He loves me!! He LOVES me!
"I love you too," I said smiling. And I really really really really do. I didn't know it was possible to love someone as much as I love him.
For the next few minutes my problems evaporated. So much that when Zack asked if I wanted him to stay over I said no. I could handle it. I really wasn't thinking straight.
Dad was sitting at the kitchen table when I walked in. He looked sad. I didn't want to talk to him but I had a feeling. He knew. Why did Mom tell him? I told her not to. Didn't she listen to anything I said anymore?
"Hannah, come and sit down," he said.
I sat down and stared at him. He didn't seem to be angry, like most husbands would be if they knew their wives ad been raped. Maybe he really only cared about no one but himself. Maybe he was just thinking about what this meant for him.
"Dad, don't you even--" I started.
"No, don't say anything, you think I deserve it, I know," he said.
"What? What are you talking about? This has nothing to do with you," I said confused.
"My wife cheated on me!" he said loudly.
I sat back in amazement. What was he talking about?
"No she didn't!" I yelled at him.
"She came into the house and said she was pregnant and then she went upstairs, the baby can't be mine for obvious reasons," he said. He didn't know the whole truth. I suddenly felt like I shouldn't tell him. He should suffer, thinking that Mom cheated on him. Then she wouldn't be the victim of his adultery, he would get his just desert.
I smiled a little, feeling all the compassion and forgiveness flow out of me. He deserves this, I told myself.
"You're right, she did cheat on you," I said, "And you DO deserve it,"
He just shook his head and left the room with his shoulders hunched.
Am I a terrible person? Was it really my place to lie to him? Won't Mom be mad? Those were the questions that ran through my head when I went to bed that night.
But Mom wasn't mad. I told her what I told Dad and she just smiled. She really doesn't remember how she got pregnant. She thinks she cheated on him now. Maybe that is for the best. If I can keep up the lie.
November 19th
I'm exhausted. Things have only gotten worse since I wrote last. Dad is never home. Mom's baby isn't his, so he doesn't care about it.
Mom just lies in her room and eats when I bring her food. I know she would let herself fade away if I wasn't here to take care of her. I've missed so much school. Zack brings me all my homework assignments but I never end up doing them. What is the point?
All the problems I had before seem so petty now compared to this. I fell like I'm trapped in a--- someone's yelling.
Later
If I thought it was bad before than I'm in for a huge surprise.
I went downstairs where Dad was standing at the front door with every single suitcase he owns. They were all stuffed full. Mom was standing near the wall. She had been crying.
"What's going on?" I asked. My heart was beating so hard.
"I'm leaving," Dad said.
"WHAT?" I cried, "You can't go!"
But he could and he did. Mom and I are alone now it this huge house. And Mom doesn't have a job. Even if I got ten jobs I couldn't pay for this house and go to school too. What are we going to do? This can't be happening. What did I do? TELL ME WHAT I DID TO DESERVE THIS!!!!
November 20th
I have officially dropped out of school. Mom doesn't even notice that I don't go to school.
She is sleeping right now. I have made sure she has everything she needs to stay healthy. I talked to the doctor again and asked him what I need to do. He told me she had to eat healthy and exercise.
I don't know how I'm going to get her to take a walk everyday. She barely even has enough energy to go to the bathroom.
The baby is due May 10th. Isn't that strange? Mother's Day. What kind of Mother is this baby going to have? I'm afraid, terrified actually that I will end up taking care of it. I just have to hold out hope that as the pregnancy progresses, Mom will realize how she's acting and she will decide she wants to love the baby. That has to happen, it just has to.
I'm going to go look for a couple jobs now. I also need to look for a smaller place to live. I know I'm moving really fast, but I just don't have time to wait fro Mom to snap out of it or for Dad to come crawling back. I have to take control here because my parents won't.
December 20th
It's been forever I know but I just don't have time to write like I used to. This has been my only day off in the last month. I have two jobs now. One full time days at McDonalds and the other is nights a 24-hour pizza place.
So much has happened. Mom and I have moved out of the big house. I found a small basement apartment in the house of a nice elderly lady. Her name is Wendy Duncan. I have become pretty close with her. I told her everything that has happened and she has been very nice and sympathetic. Talking to her has helped a lot.
I still have Zack of course but it's different talking to him. He comforts me and says that everything will be fine but he doesn't know that and it always ends up making me feel worse.
Mom likes living with Wendy but she still doesn't really understand why her stomach is getting bigger and she is craving certain foods. She even wakes up in the night moaning for dill pickles. I have to get her some or she won't go back to sleep. If I'm not home then she gets them herself.
I try to spend time with Zack but we don't have much in common anymore. He is in school and his life is carefree. I have two jobs and my life is anything but carefree. Not get me wrong though, I still love Zack so much and I would never want to break up with him. I'm just not sure if he feels the same way.
Sometimes I wish mom would have a miscarriage. I am an evil person. I want her to have to baby and I want it to be healthy I just don't know if I can handle this anymore.
See you next month.
November 15th
The last ten days have been an absolute nightmare. I can hardly keep my eyes open to see what I'm writing right now. I have hardly been sleeping because I've been so worried about Mom. And Dad so no help as usual.
So, I asked Mom how she was feeling and she said nauseous and tired. I told her what I thought and she said, "How could that happen? Ben hasn't slept in here for ages,"
She wouldn't listen to me when I tried to remind her how it could have happened. She has totally blocked the entire experience out of her head. I guess that would have been a good thing if this new development hadn't come to my attention. But it is true. I went to the drug store and got a pregnancy test. The only way I could get Mom to take it was to tell her I would be very hurt if she didn't.
It's true. She's pregnant. This is bad. I knew it was bad. She can't even comprehend the severity of what has happened. When I told her what the test revealed she actually smiled and she would have to tell Ben right away. But she can't tell him! He will know it's not his!
I managed to get her to keep the secret until I got her to the doctor. I told her we wouldn't want to get Dad's hopes up if it was just a false alarm.
I guess I was still hoping that the test was wrong. It had to be. Mom could NOT be pregnant. She could barely be a mother to me anymore, let alone another child.
I knew I couldn't take her to the doctor by myself so I called Zack. I was almost in hysterics as I told him the whole story over the phone. He came over right away and just stood in the front foyer holding me in his arms. After awhile I finally felt strong enough to face my mother and the truth. I don't know what I would have done without Zack.
He drove Mom and I to the doctors office. Mom seemed very confused about who he as and where we were going. I tried to explain it to her but it's as if she has regressed and is a little kid again. She doesn't understand what pregnant means it seems.
I told the doctor exactly everything that had happened. I couldn't leave anything out. I need as much help as I can get here.
Mom definitely is pregnant. Two months along. I cried for what seemed like hours. Mom kept asking me what was wrong. I thought I was going to scream when she asked me for about the twentieth time.
Zack sat in his car with me when we got home. Mom went inside to take a nap. Again.
"What am I going to do Zack?" I asked through the sobs that racked my body.
"Don't worry, I'll help you with everything," he said.
"I can't do that to you, this isn't your family," I said.
"Hannah," he said taking me hand. I turned towards him to find a small smile playing on his beautiful, soft lips.
"Yes?" I asked blinking back the tears.
"I love you, I would do anything for you," he said.
He loves me!! He LOVES me!
"I love you too," I said smiling. And I really really really really do. I didn't know it was possible to love someone as much as I love him.
For the next few minutes my problems evaporated. So much that when Zack asked if I wanted him to stay over I said no. I could handle it. I really wasn't thinking straight.
Dad was sitting at the kitchen table when I walked in. He looked sad. I didn't want to talk to him but I had a feeling. He knew. Why did Mom tell him? I told her not to. Didn't she listen to anything I said anymore?
"Hannah, come and sit down," he said.
I sat down and stared at him. He didn't seem to be angry, like most husbands would be if they knew their wives ad been raped. Maybe he really only cared about no one but himself. Maybe he was just thinking about what this meant for him.
"Dad, don't you even--" I started.
"No, don't say anything, you think I deserve it, I know," he said.
"What? What are you talking about? This has nothing to do with you," I said confused.
"My wife cheated on me!" he said loudly.
I sat back in amazement. What was he talking about?
"No she didn't!" I yelled at him.
"She came into the house and said she was pregnant and then she went upstairs, the baby can't be mine for obvious reasons," he said. He didn't know the whole truth. I suddenly felt like I shouldn't tell him. He should suffer, thinking that Mom cheated on him. Then she wouldn't be the victim of his adultery, he would get his just desert.
I smiled a little, feeling all the compassion and forgiveness flow out of me. He deserves this, I told myself.
"You're right, she did cheat on you," I said, "And you DO deserve it,"
He just shook his head and left the room with his shoulders hunched.
Am I a terrible person? Was it really my place to lie to him? Won't Mom be mad? Those were the questions that ran through my head when I went to bed that night.
But Mom wasn't mad. I told her what I told Dad and she just smiled. She really doesn't remember how she got pregnant. She thinks she cheated on him now. Maybe that is for the best. If I can keep up the lie.
November 19th
I'm exhausted. Things have only gotten worse since I wrote last. Dad is never home. Mom's baby isn't his, so he doesn't care about it.
Mom just lies in her room and eats when I bring her food. I know she would let herself fade away if I wasn't here to take care of her. I've missed so much school. Zack brings me all my homework assignments but I never end up doing them. What is the point?
All the problems I had before seem so petty now compared to this. I fell like I'm trapped in a--- someone's yelling.
Later
If I thought it was bad before than I'm in for a huge surprise.
I went downstairs where Dad was standing at the front door with every single suitcase he owns. They were all stuffed full. Mom was standing near the wall. She had been crying.
"What's going on?" I asked. My heart was beating so hard.
"I'm leaving," Dad said.
"WHAT?" I cried, "You can't go!"
But he could and he did. Mom and I are alone now it this huge house. And Mom doesn't have a job. Even if I got ten jobs I couldn't pay for this house and go to school too. What are we going to do? This can't be happening. What did I do? TELL ME WHAT I DID TO DESERVE THIS!!!!
November 20th
I have officially dropped out of school. Mom doesn't even notice that I don't go to school.
She is sleeping right now. I have made sure she has everything she needs to stay healthy. I talked to the doctor again and asked him what I need to do. He told me she had to eat healthy and exercise.
I don't know how I'm going to get her to take a walk everyday. She barely even has enough energy to go to the bathroom.
The baby is due May 10th. Isn't that strange? Mother's Day. What kind of Mother is this baby going to have? I'm afraid, terrified actually that I will end up taking care of it. I just have to hold out hope that as the pregnancy progresses, Mom will realize how she's acting and she will decide she wants to love the baby. That has to happen, it just has to.
I'm going to go look for a couple jobs now. I also need to look for a smaller place to live. I know I'm moving really fast, but I just don't have time to wait fro Mom to snap out of it or for Dad to come crawling back. I have to take control here because my parents won't.
December 20th
It's been forever I know but I just don't have time to write like I used to. This has been my only day off in the last month. I have two jobs now. One full time days at McDonalds and the other is nights a 24-hour pizza place.
So much has happened. Mom and I have moved out of the big house. I found a small basement apartment in the house of a nice elderly lady. Her name is Wendy Duncan. I have become pretty close with her. I told her everything that has happened and she has been very nice and sympathetic. Talking to her has helped a lot.
I still have Zack of course but it's different talking to him. He comforts me and says that everything will be fine but he doesn't know that and it always ends up making me feel worse.
Mom likes living with Wendy but she still doesn't really understand why her stomach is getting bigger and she is craving certain foods. She even wakes up in the night moaning for dill pickles. I have to get her some or she won't go back to sleep. If I'm not home then she gets them herself.
I try to spend time with Zack but we don't have much in common anymore. He is in school and his life is carefree. I have two jobs and my life is anything but carefree. Not get me wrong though, I still love Zack so much and I would never want to break up with him. I'm just not sure if he feels the same way.
Sometimes I wish mom would have a miscarriage. I am an evil person. I want her to have to baby and I want it to be healthy I just don't know if I can handle this anymore.
See you next month.
