Chapter Nine

June 21st

Zack is due to come back tomorrow. I don't know what to do. I haven't even shown Fred the letter yet. I don't know why I didn't. It's just so hard. I feel like I'm going crazy. I think something is wrong with me.

I play with Skye and the twins but I don't really see them. I'm in a world of my own sometimes. I daydream a lot, about the way things used to be.

I saw my father on the street the other day. He was with Olivia of course. I walked right past them and didn't say a word. He didn't call to me either. He is no longer my father.

I wish I were back in Winnipeg with my old friends and my old life. But then I wouldn't have Skye. I'm sorry Skye but without you my life would have been normal. I could be a regular teenager. I shouldn't have to take care of you. It isn't fair!

June 22nd

I showed Fred the letter last night and he freaked out. He yelled at me and wanted to know why I didn't show him before. I don't know why I didn't. I think I'm used to life being hard and now if it isn't I have to make it that way.

It took him less then five minutes to decide we were leaving. He packed my clothes for me while I sat and watched. I was in a daze, I couldn't even understand why we were leaving. I even thought that it might be easier to just marry Zack. I told Fred this and he ignored me. He wouldn't let me stay, that I could see.

I went to get Skye from the nursery where she was playing with the twins and something just came over me. I looked at Anthony and I knew I couldn't leave him. Trevor was sleeping in his crib, I don't know what would have happened if I saw him too.

I packed Anthony's and Skye's clothing and toys and left the room. Gregory and Maxine were out for dinner so they wouldn't see us leave.

"Hannah!" Fred cried when I came into the garage carrying Skye, Anthony and three suitcases.

I just stared at him.

"Put Anthony back in the house," he said.

"But no one is here to watch him," I said.

"The servants are, and if you take Anthony it is called kidnapping," he said angrily. I could tell he was beginning to get frustrated with me.

"I'm not going without him, I want him," I insisted. I don't know why he did it but he said yes. I took Anthony's car seat from Gregory's car and we left. I looked back once and said goodbye to my mother. I knew her spirit still haunted that house. She would be all alone without her daughters.

We didn't know where we were going. We just drove for as long as we could until we came to a trailer park. There was one trailer that had a for sale sing in the window so as Skye and Anthony slept, Fred went to the door and knocked. There was no answer.

Then a chubby man came lumbering out of the trailer down the road. His once white T-shirt was now gray and he had very dirty jeans on. I couldn't imagine living so near someone like that. I had always lived in nice houses in nice neighborhoods. Even when I lived with Wendy, I felt safe and clean. I don't think the same could be said for this place.

The man talked to Fred and then he handed him a key. I got out of the car once the man was gone.

"This is our new home," he said.

"How are we going to pay for it?" I asked.

"I'll pay from my trust fund," he said.

I didn't object. I knew we had no choice.

So I got the kids from the car and we went into the trailer. It smelled musty and old but it could be cleaned. There was a small kitchen and bathroom. There was a bedroom off the kitchen and two bunk beds out in the open.

My new home.

July 12th

Zack knows we are here. He sent me a package today. My heart stopped when I saw the return address. I'm afraid again that he will come and take Skye. But by the inscription on the bottom of the beautifully carved box he sent me, it looks like he has given up. The box says,

To my love, Hannah

May you always be happy, with or without me,

Zack

Does this mean he has finally decided to leave me alone? Am I free of him forever now?

He also left a picture of the two of us in the box. We look so happy. I long for that time to come back. I wish he didn't rape my mother. I wish he really were the loving, sweet man that he acted like.

But that is done now. I can't relive the past.

July 31st

I haven't written in a long time. I thought having one child to look after was hard. Well two is much harder. I don't regret taking Anthony though. I love being his mother. I love him so much. I only want him to be happy.

I have cleaned this trailer until in shines. It isn't so bad anymore. It smells like roses instead of dirt. I think I really will be happy here.

Skye and Anthony don't seem to notice the change of scenery.

They play out on the front patch of grass we have on nice days. There aren't very many children their age around here.

I have made one friend. The man who sold us our trailer was named Jack Bellows. He has two children who are around my age but they still live at home. There is Frankie who kind of creeps me out. I always feel like he is looking at me. His sister is Delilah who I have become pretty close with. We are opposite but we get along very well. She likes playing with Anthony and Skye sometimes. I have heard rumors that she sleeps around but I'm not going to let that make me lose my only friend here.

Fred found a job at the local gas station. We are doing pretty well and I'm very happy. I'm happy with my decision to leave and I don't think I will ever see Zack again.

August 25th

Everything is going great. I used to use this diary for writing about all the bad things that happened to me. But nothing like that ever happens anymore. We are all healthy and happy. I can't imagine anything bad happening.

I even think this will be my last entry for awhile. I'm so just caught up in the kids and just enjoying life.

August 25th (4 years later)

It has been so long. I can't believe everything that I wrote in this journal. I just finished reading it over, reminiscing. Now I wish I hadn't.

I have been to the doctor and I have terrible news. That's why I'm back to write again. I am incapable of having my own children. My uterus is an unfit environment for a baby.

I cried for days before I came back to my journal.

Skye was so sweet. She stayed with me and hugged me all the time asked me what was wrong and why I was crying. Anthony tried to help too. He made me a peanut butter sandwich. They are so smart for their age.

The only bright side is that I have Skye and Anthony. What would I do without them? I would have no children at all.

I don't know if Fred wants more children. He has changed so much. He isn't the sweet man he was when we lived in La Vie.

La Vie is so far from my mind right now. I have made up so many lies to tell the children and everyone who lives here. The only people who know the truth are Fred and Delilah Bellows.

I told Skye that she was born in January. I had a new birth certificate made up for her. I couldn't have anyone finding us now could I?

I told her the story of her birth but it was all a lie.

I said she is my daughter and I was pregnant with her. I told her she was named Skye because of the colour of her eyes. I told her, her father wanted to name her Tamara.

I don't know where the lies came from but they are out there. Anthony is now one whole year younger than Skye. I couldn't have them the same age could I? That wouldn't make sense.

Fred still has his job at the gas station thankfully. It is a miracle because of all the times he has been late or just not shown up at all.

I stay in bed all day sometimes. I get so depressed. I wonder if life will ever go back to how it used to be.