Chapter 10
September 19th
Skye and Anthony are in school again. Skye is in senior kindergarten and Anthony is in junior. It's so lonely here during the day.
I want a baby so bad. I NEED one. I feel so alone. Skye and Anthony like to play with their school friends a lot so the trailer is even empty in the evening. Fred gets worse and worse every day. He started drinking awhile ago but I thought it was normal, he just wanted to relieve some of the stress. But then he started missing work and staying in bed hung over.
I kept telling not to drink in front of the kids but he won't listen. He ignores everything I say about keeping the trailer clean and going grocery shopping. None of us have health insurance and every day I worry that someone will get hurt and have to go to the hospital. What will we do if that happens? We don't have to money to pay for hospital bills.
Nothing is working out the way it is supposed to. When we got here I was so happy to be away from Zack, where he could never find me but now I'm in a new kind of hell. Not the kind where I'm afraid that someone is going to jump out from the bushes and take me away. But the kind where everything feels hopeless and the kind that makes me wonder if this is what the rest of my life is going to be like.
This new hell is definitely worse.
Every day there is a new disappointment to face. Some new dilemma that I'm going to have to figure out a solution to. Fred doesn't help out with anything and he always spends the majority of his paycheck on alcohol.
I don't know how it got like this. Only ten years ago I was happy living in Winnipeg with my parents without a care in the world and now my life is like a giant sinkhole that just keeps getting worse as time goes on.
Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to stay here if things stay this way. I can't handle this monotony, I need a change and I need it now.
December 25th (3 years later)
I stuck it out and stayed for theses grueling years. I tried to leave a couple times but then I would see Fred stumbling through the door, ignoring the kids and I knew I could leave them alone with him.
Things have gotten better for me. We have a new addition to the family. Little Erin is a beautiful baby. Her chestnut brown hair is so shiny and her brown eyes tell me that this is out new beginning. She is the angel God sent to us to help. She will bring Fred away from alcohol and back to his family.
I pray for these things every chance I get. I'm happy for the distraction that Erin gives me. She lets me get away from the dirty trailer and the clothes that need to be washed. She helps me get through the bad things just so I can look forward to the good things.
Delilah is her real mother. It is hard to take a baby from their real parents, but this isn't my first time. Anthony was only the beginning fro me.
My best friend got pregnant and she has no job. She sleeps on the couch in her father's trailer. She would have no way to support the baby so I said that I would adopt her. Fred agreed to it and so that's what happened. Now I have two daughters and a son. The only thing that would make my family perfect is another son.
I told Skye and Anthony that Erin was sent y Santa Clause. I couldn't get them much for Christmas because of the lack of money. They were happy to have a little sister. Especially Skye. Anthony was a little disappointed Santa didn't bring a little brother for him but I told him maybe next year.
"I'll write a letter to Santa right now Mommy," he said happily. I smiled and watched him run off to get some paper and crayons.
"Are we having turkey tonight Mommy?" Skye asked hopefully. We haven't had turkey in four years.
"No honey," I told her sadly. I hated saying no to the kids. They were so sweet and innocent, they didn't deserve this.
"Did Daddy take the money again?" she asked her voice low.
I never told the kids what Fred did the nights he didn't come home. I didn't want them to hate their father like I hate mine. But I can't protect them forever can I? They are going to grow up and find these things out for themselves.
"He needed to buy something else honey," I told her.
"Presents for us?" she asked, looking up hopefully.
"Maybe," I said. I didn't have to heart to tell her no. I couldn't tell her that her father had taken the Christmas money and spent in on booze and probably cheap prostitutes. I wouldn't poison her mind. She would be innocent forever.
Someone needs to be punished for this. Someone needs to suffer instead of me. I didn't do anything to deserve this except trust someone. Zack is the one who deserves to suffer. He has to know what it feels like to clean all day and never feel like I'm finished. He needs to know what it's like to wonder if his spouse is coming home that night or if they are going to spend the night passed out in a bug infected motel room. Bank account wiped out and nothing to show for it.
He was going to pay for this. Someone was going to pay.
February 9th (Two years later)
Things have gotten anything but better. Thoughts of revenge consume my every thought. Whenever I think about my former life it gets cloudier and cloudier. Soon I won't be able to remember being happy at all.
This trailer is too small for our family. I have to sleep on the bunk bed under Anthony now because the bedroom smells like vomit and alcohol. It is disgusting and I refuse to clean it. If Fred wants to stew in his own waste then so be it.
But there is another baby on the way. Delilah is pregnant again. She can't keep the baby and the doctor says it is a boy. I can't let her give to anyone else or have an abortion. But taking care another child scares me.
As Macbeth said when he won the war against Norway, "So foul and fair a day I have not seen."
I'll finally have my perfect family but we won't be happy living like this. I can't live like this, but what are my choices? I made my bed and now I have to lie in it.
But WHY? I did not make this bed. Actions by other people have sealed my fate. I'm stuck with what my supposed loved ones handed me.
I'm sick of asking what I did to deserve this, because I already know what I did.
NOTHING.
October 31st
Little Tyler is such a cute boy. I love him so much but nothing is okay. My kids know there is something wrong with me but I just can't change it. I mope around the trailer thinking of ways to get Zack for what he's done to me. My life is in shambles just like this trailer.
I think about Shakespeare so often. I want to take control of my destiny the way Macbeth took control of his by killing the king. He wanted the thrown so he took it. I'm sick of sitting around and waiting for someone to save me. I need to save myself.
I have finally learned what King Duncan never did, "There's no art to find the mind's construction in the face."
I thought my father loved me but he betrayed me and Mom by leaving us to fend for ourselves. I thought Zack was a good person, he looked so perfect so handsome. But things aren't always as they seem because he betrayed me by raping my poor mother and ignoring his daughter. And now my supposed best friend here has taken advantage of me by thinking I would take all her unwanted children. She has taken advantage of my compassion and kindness.
Trust is not something I will hand out willingly anymore. I won't be like King Duncan who was killed by his trusted friend in his sleep because he was too trusting.
I have been betrayed one too many times and now it is someone else's turn.
I will leave this place tomorrow. It is Fred's turn to be a father to these kids. I'm nobody's pin cushion, not anymore.
September 19th
Skye and Anthony are in school again. Skye is in senior kindergarten and Anthony is in junior. It's so lonely here during the day.
I want a baby so bad. I NEED one. I feel so alone. Skye and Anthony like to play with their school friends a lot so the trailer is even empty in the evening. Fred gets worse and worse every day. He started drinking awhile ago but I thought it was normal, he just wanted to relieve some of the stress. But then he started missing work and staying in bed hung over.
I kept telling not to drink in front of the kids but he won't listen. He ignores everything I say about keeping the trailer clean and going grocery shopping. None of us have health insurance and every day I worry that someone will get hurt and have to go to the hospital. What will we do if that happens? We don't have to money to pay for hospital bills.
Nothing is working out the way it is supposed to. When we got here I was so happy to be away from Zack, where he could never find me but now I'm in a new kind of hell. Not the kind where I'm afraid that someone is going to jump out from the bushes and take me away. But the kind where everything feels hopeless and the kind that makes me wonder if this is what the rest of my life is going to be like.
This new hell is definitely worse.
Every day there is a new disappointment to face. Some new dilemma that I'm going to have to figure out a solution to. Fred doesn't help out with anything and he always spends the majority of his paycheck on alcohol.
I don't know how it got like this. Only ten years ago I was happy living in Winnipeg with my parents without a care in the world and now my life is like a giant sinkhole that just keeps getting worse as time goes on.
Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to stay here if things stay this way. I can't handle this monotony, I need a change and I need it now.
December 25th (3 years later)
I stuck it out and stayed for theses grueling years. I tried to leave a couple times but then I would see Fred stumbling through the door, ignoring the kids and I knew I could leave them alone with him.
Things have gotten better for me. We have a new addition to the family. Little Erin is a beautiful baby. Her chestnut brown hair is so shiny and her brown eyes tell me that this is out new beginning. She is the angel God sent to us to help. She will bring Fred away from alcohol and back to his family.
I pray for these things every chance I get. I'm happy for the distraction that Erin gives me. She lets me get away from the dirty trailer and the clothes that need to be washed. She helps me get through the bad things just so I can look forward to the good things.
Delilah is her real mother. It is hard to take a baby from their real parents, but this isn't my first time. Anthony was only the beginning fro me.
My best friend got pregnant and she has no job. She sleeps on the couch in her father's trailer. She would have no way to support the baby so I said that I would adopt her. Fred agreed to it and so that's what happened. Now I have two daughters and a son. The only thing that would make my family perfect is another son.
I told Skye and Anthony that Erin was sent y Santa Clause. I couldn't get them much for Christmas because of the lack of money. They were happy to have a little sister. Especially Skye. Anthony was a little disappointed Santa didn't bring a little brother for him but I told him maybe next year.
"I'll write a letter to Santa right now Mommy," he said happily. I smiled and watched him run off to get some paper and crayons.
"Are we having turkey tonight Mommy?" Skye asked hopefully. We haven't had turkey in four years.
"No honey," I told her sadly. I hated saying no to the kids. They were so sweet and innocent, they didn't deserve this.
"Did Daddy take the money again?" she asked her voice low.
I never told the kids what Fred did the nights he didn't come home. I didn't want them to hate their father like I hate mine. But I can't protect them forever can I? They are going to grow up and find these things out for themselves.
"He needed to buy something else honey," I told her.
"Presents for us?" she asked, looking up hopefully.
"Maybe," I said. I didn't have to heart to tell her no. I couldn't tell her that her father had taken the Christmas money and spent in on booze and probably cheap prostitutes. I wouldn't poison her mind. She would be innocent forever.
Someone needs to be punished for this. Someone needs to suffer instead of me. I didn't do anything to deserve this except trust someone. Zack is the one who deserves to suffer. He has to know what it feels like to clean all day and never feel like I'm finished. He needs to know what it's like to wonder if his spouse is coming home that night or if they are going to spend the night passed out in a bug infected motel room. Bank account wiped out and nothing to show for it.
He was going to pay for this. Someone was going to pay.
February 9th (Two years later)
Things have gotten anything but better. Thoughts of revenge consume my every thought. Whenever I think about my former life it gets cloudier and cloudier. Soon I won't be able to remember being happy at all.
This trailer is too small for our family. I have to sleep on the bunk bed under Anthony now because the bedroom smells like vomit and alcohol. It is disgusting and I refuse to clean it. If Fred wants to stew in his own waste then so be it.
But there is another baby on the way. Delilah is pregnant again. She can't keep the baby and the doctor says it is a boy. I can't let her give to anyone else or have an abortion. But taking care another child scares me.
As Macbeth said when he won the war against Norway, "So foul and fair a day I have not seen."
I'll finally have my perfect family but we won't be happy living like this. I can't live like this, but what are my choices? I made my bed and now I have to lie in it.
But WHY? I did not make this bed. Actions by other people have sealed my fate. I'm stuck with what my supposed loved ones handed me.
I'm sick of asking what I did to deserve this, because I already know what I did.
NOTHING.
October 31st
Little Tyler is such a cute boy. I love him so much but nothing is okay. My kids know there is something wrong with me but I just can't change it. I mope around the trailer thinking of ways to get Zack for what he's done to me. My life is in shambles just like this trailer.
I think about Shakespeare so often. I want to take control of my destiny the way Macbeth took control of his by killing the king. He wanted the thrown so he took it. I'm sick of sitting around and waiting for someone to save me. I need to save myself.
I have finally learned what King Duncan never did, "There's no art to find the mind's construction in the face."
I thought my father loved me but he betrayed me and Mom by leaving us to fend for ourselves. I thought Zack was a good person, he looked so perfect so handsome. But things aren't always as they seem because he betrayed me by raping my poor mother and ignoring his daughter. And now my supposed best friend here has taken advantage of me by thinking I would take all her unwanted children. She has taken advantage of my compassion and kindness.
Trust is not something I will hand out willingly anymore. I won't be like King Duncan who was killed by his trusted friend in his sleep because he was too trusting.
I have been betrayed one too many times and now it is someone else's turn.
I will leave this place tomorrow. It is Fred's turn to be a father to these kids. I'm nobody's pin cushion, not anymore.
