Thanks: Karen a/k/a GiGI - You ARE a wonderful friend!

Disclaimers: What do you mean I don't own Grissom???

Pairings: G/S

Seems strange, I've been keeping this journal for over a year now. When Dr. Phillips suggested it, I was reluctant. Convinced I didn't need a "coping mechanism" to help me deal with the deafness. Hell, I'd lived with the possibility my whole life. He agreed, but insisted the reality would be different and I might be glad some day, to be able to look back on how far I had travelled. I still wasn't convinced. Dr. Edelman had insisted, as a condition of my release after the failed surgery, that I speak with a psychologist about the adjustments I would have to face. I was barely civil to the man, now that I look back. Luckily he didn't hold my attitude against me.

It was extremely surprising to see Brian Mobley. No one expected him to come to a farewell party for the two biggest thorns in his side, but he did.

The party was in full swing when Brian arrived. Doc, Jim and I were plastered. Sara told me I was a funny drunk. Frankly, I don't remember much. Susan Robbins says I'm forgiven for getting her husband tanked, but I'd better not do it again any time soon! I'm sure there was more to what she said, but Catherine chose only to sign what was "acceptable" in polite company. Brian took me aside and told me how much he would miss our "interactions". I took that to be a good thing. While I could never do the "politics" of the job well, it's nice to know the higher-ups thought I did the "meat" of the job well.

When I handed in my request for a Leave of Absence, he seemed genuinely sorry. Told me that we may have had our differences, but he knew the way I did my job I would never "fudge" the evidence or the truth. Said he could trust anything I ever said or did. Told me he hoped Sara and I would come back at the end of the requested time off. Don't know if we will, but it's nice to know that door isn't closed

Having to rely on others because of my deafness has been a mixed blessing. It meant I got to know more people at the crime lab, and they, me. But it made leaving a little harder. Everyone accepted my limitations and made the little (and large) accommodations without question. In a new place, I have to find my own way, and have to ask for the help I'll need. God knows I have a difficult time asking for help, even from those closest to me. How will I manage it when we move East. The University won't be the problem. It's the crime labs that will be difficult.

Oh sure, I've worked with these particular labs in the past, but mainly all they have to go on is my reputation. Someone (translate that as Sara) will have to come with me in the beginning to explain things, translate, smooth over things until I'm comfortable there. It's not something I want Sara to do, but try and tell her that! I wanted to hire a translator - she nixed that rather quickly. Funny, she didn't mind "sharing" me with Greg, but I guess habits do die hard and she isn't yet comfortable enough to have me get close to a stranger.

It isn't lack of trust - Sara knows there is no one else in the world I would ever want. It's more a case of having worked so hard to get me to open up to her, she's not willing to risk any one else enjoying that priviledge until they've proven themselves to her. Weird. She spent years trying to get "in" and now want to close the door firmly behind her!

My deafness has been quite a challenge for Sara. It made her reach out for support, for answers, for solutions. It hasn't been easy for her. She was jealous of Catherine and angry at me for closing her off from what I was dealing with. Catherine was the one to break the news to her about the failed surgery. They don't talk about that conversation - ever. I think they almost came to blows, but I'll never know for sure. Whatever happened, Sara stormed into my hospital room, Dr. Gilbert in tow, to give me a rather severe tongue lashing, regularly flashing the only sign she knew - "Asshole". I still chuckle thinking about it. She made her point. By the time I left the hospital 6 days later - complications - she had moved into my home and my heart for good.

I can only begin to imagine how difficult it was for Sara to open up to Dr. Gilbert, but she did it - for me. She learned about how being deaf can make you fear the dark - when you close your eyes, the world evaporates and all your 'monsters' come out. How it's hard to be intimate with all the lights on and impossible with all the lights off. We laugh now about buying stock in a candle manufacturing company - we must burn several dozen a week, but it solves a few problems...

Computers and TTD's are useful, but you never know who is actually "answering". My mother had an entire conversation once about an insurance matter before realizing she was talking to the switchboard operator! Sara handles most of the household communications - from the lawn service guy to the electrician and contractor who keep our old house standing.

I know this sounds like I don't actually do anything but teach and train, but I try to shoulder some of the responsiblities. I can still cook, of course I needed a special timer, and laundry isn't much of a challenge, nor is washing a floor or making a bed. Still, much of the 'adult' responsibilities fall to Sara to handle. She never complains.....OK, she complains, but it's always good-natured.

She took some time off before starting at the Richmond crime lab - time to get me settled and secure, time to start a support group for hearing spouses of deaf mates, time to get pregnant and have our son, time to be "Mommy". It's another thing she does amazingly well. She finally took the job offer when Will turned 2. By that time I had "found" my way - in the labs and classrooms, the Washington/Virginia/Maryland geographic area, and my new life.

TBC...