Title: Musings 3/? - Thinking Back

Author: Peggie

Rating: PG-13

Thanks: Karen a/k/a GiGI - You ARE a wonderful friend!

Disclaimers: What do you mean I don't own Grissom???

Pairings: G/S

Like most kids, I didn't pay much attention to the "atmosphere" in the house. If I had, I might have noticed my father getting louder and louder. But there were trees to climb and bugs to watch, bike paths that called to me and the library to nourish me. If I had paid attention, I might have noticed that my dad's trips became more frequent, and lasted longer and longer. But there was the beach to roam and shells to collect, fish to watch and crabs to chase. If I had been older, I would have noticed my mother withdrawing from interactions. She sent me to the store, the cleaners, and the market. I thought I was so cool, doing stuff that the older kids did.

By the time I realized what was coming, it was already here. My father was gone and my mother was deaf. I felt bad about the things she would miss, like music and birds singing, the ocean's roar and the crackle of fire. She didn't seem to mind, but I heard her crying one night, late. I knew then that I had to be good, be the best, to make up to her for all she had lost. Like most Catholic kids my age, I knew it was my fault. God punishing my mom for all the things I messed up.

Father Tim tried to help me see that God doesn't work that way, but I just knew it was my fault. I knew, then, that no matter what happened, I couldn't let anyone else go deaf because of me. Couldn't risk being hurt by someone leaving me because I was going to go deaf some day too.

Of course, I'm an adult now. I know that isn't true. But, somehow, as my own hearing deteriorated, I tried to "negotiate" with God. It is, apparently, a common phenomenon. People faced with difficulties try to bargain them away even as they come to terms with the problem. Meg told me once (Meg is my current therapist) she spent the drives to and from therapy for her young son, negotiating with God that he be anything but retarded. But, when the time came to "face facts", she was ready for the diagnosis. I guess I was too.

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Leaving Las Vegas was hard. We had really good friends there, but I couldn't continue to hold Sara or Catherine back. We've been back many times since, for Catherine and Warrick's wedding, Nick and Michelle's wedding, Lindsey's High School graduation and Doc's retirement. (I got him tanked again - this time Sara translated Susan's tirade, and she didn't 'soften' it, either! I didn't know either woman knew those words! She did forgive me, but it took a dozen roses and the promise to house their middle daughter for a semester.)

Of course, they've visited us too. Greg liked it here so much, he moved here to join me teaching at Gallaudet. He met Heidi here and we wound up with a houseful for their wedding.

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When we moved East eight years ago, Sara found Meg to take over where Dr. Gilbert had left off ~ mentoring Sara though the landmines of life in the deaf community. Over time, Meg mentored me too. Didn't realize I'd needed it, but was so grateful when she stepped in. She was a godsend when Katie was born 6 week early. Sara was too ill to consult with the doctors and I was too worried to pay attention. Thanks to Meg, we got through and Katie, now getting ready to celebrate her first birthday, is fine, although she does wear a hearing aide. Her big brother is so jealous. We have to keep an eye on him - he tries to stick a lego block in his ear to pretend he has a hearing aide too! He may need one in the distant future, but that's a long way off yet. If his hearing goes at about age 40, as it seems to in my family, I won't be here to help him as my mother was for me. But he won't be alone. Sara will make sure of that!

I hate that my mother lives so far away, but she's happy. She gets to see her grandchildren several times a year, but I wish it was more. She and Sara have a wonderful relationship. I think I'm a little jealous of it. Sara tells me that Mom has a 'gentleman friend'. I don't believe it, but Sara just smiles and nods. Tells me I'm "in denial" and to just "get over it!" She's right as usual.