Please see author's note at beginning of story

Partial Truths-Chapter Four

TWO WEEKS LATER



Rain fell hard against the ground as lightning lit up the night sky in rapid secession. Thunder rumbled loudly, making the walls tremble with quiet vibrations. Leaning against the windowsill, sipping a cup of hot tea, Kathryn was oblivious to the hot tears rolling down her cheeks as quickly as the rain. Another night interrupted. Another night filled with nightmares. She'd had them off and on since she'd met Neha. It wasn't her fault though. She didn't blame Neha for the reoccurrence of her dreams. She blamed herself. Her mind had been filled with worry about how and what to tell Chakotay. She knew that talking about the nightmares would make them go away. But that was easier said than done. He'd been so patient, questioning, but backing off when she didn't want to talk about it. She never wanted to talk about it. Ever.

Kathryn sighed heavily. She was being so unfair to him. He would understand, he would, she kept telling herself. She'd tried to tell him so many times over the couple of weeks. Then when she thought she could finally tell him, fear gripped her so tightly she almost couldn't breath. Then the doubts would start. What if he didn't understand? What if he couldn't see himself loving someone whom had been with a Cardassian? What if he stayed with her for the sake of the baby, but saw her differently? Could she live with that? No, no she couldn't. She needed Chakotay's love like she needed air. He was her life. She wouldn't know what to do without him.

Her throat tightened and the tea did nothing to ease the chills from her body. Her mind took her to places she never wanted to visit. Lonely places, places without Chakotay. She never noticed the shadow illuminated by the lightning. She didn't hear the footsteps come up to stand right behind her.

Chakotay sighed softly. It tore him apart to see her like this. Whenever he started to get close, she pulled away. Not tonight, he thought as he watched her shudder with each agonizing sob that ripped through her. Not tonight. Gripping her shoulders, he pulled her back against his broad chest. She cried harder when his hands slid down her arms and wrapped around her waist pulling her closer. Soothing words were mumbled into her ear as soft, gentle kisses where placed on her temple and neck.

Soon her sobs became quiet hiccups and he led her away from the window. Kathryn wasn't aware that he'd even taken the cup of tea out of her hands. She sat heavily, taking comfort in Chakotay's closeness. He rose, and Kathryn let out a small protest. Sitting on the table in front of her, he took her smaller, pale hands into his larger darker ones, he kissed each finger gently before speaking.

"Kathryn, this has to stop. This isn't the first time I've found you crying in the dark. This isn't good for you and it isn't good for the baby." She opened her mouth to speak, but he put his forefinger against her lip. "And before you say its pregnancy hormones, I don't believe you. Something else is going on and I want to know what it is. Now."

"Chakotay...'

"No, Kathryn. I don't want any excuses. I want the truth. I want to know what happened the night of the reunion to make you like this. It was that night, wasn't it?"

Eyes downcast, Kathryn nodded.

"Talk to me Kathryn. You know that you can tell me anything. Whatever it is we'll get through it."

"I want so badly to believe that."

"Why don't you?" he asked softly. "Have I done something to make you doubt me?"

"No, Chakotay, nothing like that."

"Then tell me. Please."

Kathryn opened her mouth to speak, but the familiar fear gripped her, making her heart pound heavily in her chest. She felt panic rise inside and closed her eyes trying to push down the unwanted emotions. She could do this; she needed to tell him. Searching inside herself for some kind of control she swallowed hard. Maneuvering their hands so that she now held his, she looked up at him. The love in his eyes, and the concern gave her the confidence she needed.

"Do you remember," she began quietly, "when I told you about Owen and I being kidnapped by the Cardassians?

He nodded.

Kathryn took a deep breath. "Everything I told you about that time is the truth. Except..."

He watched as she struggled with her words. She looked up at him and Chakotay nearly gasped out loud at the fear in her eyes. "Kathryn?" he prodded gently.

Tears gathered in her eyes as Kathryn forced herself to continue. "E-except when I t-told you th-that they didn't h-hurt me. I-I lied about that." Kathryn focused her gaze somewhere beyond Chakotay's shoulder. Memories slammed into her mind and a coldness spread through her that made her shiver. Chakotay wrapped his hand around the one that was clinging to his own.

"I was raped," she said and was surprised at how calm her voice sounded. "They made me listen to Owens screams over and over and then," she stopped. "And then I was taken to a room and told to undress. I wouldn't, so they beat me and did it for me. I was terrified but I tried not to show it. I tried to be the Starfleet officer Owen thought I could be. But they held me down and I couldn't escape. I couldn't fight them off." Tears streamed down her face as she remembered screaming at the pain, begging them to stop. One right after another, it seemed like they were never going to get enough.

"They didn't care that I wasn't prepared for them. They didn't care that I was bleeding so badly. They didn't care that I was in so much pain. I passed out eventually. They threw a bucket of water on me to wake me up when they were finished. I felt so...dirty," she shivered but refused to look at Chakotay. "When we were finally rescued I was in shock. I couldn't talk, I felt so ashamed and disgusting. I wouldn't let anyone touch me, not even the Doctors. I began to feel nauseous all the time and was sick a lot. Finally my mother forced me to go." Kathryn closed her eyes briefly, still refusing to look at Chakotay.

"There was a lot of damage. The doctors were surprised that I didn't come in sooner with the amount of pain I should have been feeling," she chuckled humorlessly, "they didn't understand that I had stopped feeling anything the day it happened. They were also surprise to learn something else that they thought should have been impossible with the amount of damage I had." She stopped and sniffed, tears filling her eyes once again.

"What did they find, Kathryn?" he asked when she fell silent.

"They discovered that I was pregnant, Chakotay. I was pregnant by one of those SOB's. I couldn't even tell you which one. And to make a long story short, I had her. I had my baby and gave her up for adoption."

Chakotay stared at her for a moment. "Spirits, Kathryn, why are you just now telling me this?"

"I wanted to, really I did. But Chakotay you hate the Cardassians. How was I supposed to tell you I had a child with one?"

"Kathryn, you make it sound like you had a choice in this. You were raped. You had no choice."

"But I could have terminated, I could have..." the rest was lost in a wave of sobs.

"Kathryn, listen to me. I know you. I know how you feel about all life. You wouldn't have terminated and I don't blame you. The child was innocent. Sweetheart, I'm just amazed at your strength. After everything you went through, you still had the courage to deliver this child and give her up for adoption, hoping that she'd have a good life. I've always been proud of you, Kathryn, and you keep showing me reasons why I am."

Kathryn looked at Chakotay. "You understand? You don't hate me, aren't disgusted by me?"

Flabbergasted her stared at her. Then he turned angry "Dammit Kathryn, what kind of man do you think I am? Of course I'm don't hate you. And you most definitely do not disgust me. You're my wife for goodness sake, the woman who I plan on spending the rest of my life with. The mother of my child. You are everything to me. How could you even ask me something like that?"

"I don't know," she answered meekly. "I'm sorry Chakotay. I should have told you this when I told you the rest. I just...I just didn't know...I mean...I was afraid you...you wouldn't want me the same after you knew. I didn't want you to leave me."

"Kathryn." he admonished. "You can't honestly believe that I would desert you?



"I know, I know. It sounds silly now that I say it, but..." she shrugged.

Chakotay cupped her face so that he could look into her eyes. "Listen to me," he demanded softly. "After everything you and I have been through there is no way in hell I'm walking away from you. You are stuck with me Kathryn Janeway, whether you like it or not. I love you. I love everything about you. Knowing what they did to you makes me angry as hell. I wish I could hunt them down myself. I blame them, Kathryn. Not you, never you. Are you listening to me? Do you understand?"

Kathryn smiled through her tears. "Yes, I hear you and I understand."

"Good," he said as he gathered her close. His lips covered her and Kathryn clung desperately to him, returning the kiss with a hunger that stunned her. She whimpered slightly when he broke the kiss and took her in his arms, holding her closely. Kathryn let herself be held for a moment, needing the reassurance his closeness provided. After a while she pulled back.

"There's something more, Chakotay."

He looked at her knowingly. "Does this part have something to do with the woman in the garden? The one that upset you so?"

Kathryn nodded. "She didn't mean to. She wanted to meet me. She thought that I was avoiding her and figured she'd get to me another way. Somehow she got into the party and decided that was the best place to...talk to me."

"Who was she Kathryn?"

Licking her lips nervously, she rose and walked back over to the window. The thunder had quieted to a distant rumble and the rain had lessened. Looking back toward Chakotay, she hesitated. She was still getting use to the idea that she had a grown daughter out there.

"Her name is Neha. She's the child I gave up for adoption."

"What?"

Kathryn rung her hands together. "She wanted to meet me, get to know me, and give me an opportunity to know her. Apparently she went through a lot to reach me. When I left she said she wouldn't bother me again. That the next move had to be mine. She wanted to give me time to...tell you." Shame filled Kathryn. The fear that had her terrified to confide in her husband was non-existent now. She'd put herself through hell the last two weeks, when all she had to do was trust him. "She also knew that I needed time to adjust to the news that she was my daughter," she continued.

"How did she find you? Does she know what happened?" asked Chakotay.

Kathryn sighed. "She doesn't know the details. From what I gathered her adoptive father never wanted her to know she was adopted, let alone, the product of r...rape." She breathed in deeply. "Her mother disagreed but went along with him. They had corrective and cosmetic surgery done on Neha as soon as she was old enough to withstand the procedures." Kathryn smiled slightly. "She looks entirely human."

"So how did she find out about you?" Chakotay repeated.

Kathryn began to pace. "Her father died before her mother and a couple of months ago her mother passed away. Among the possessions she left Neha was a journal that told her everything about her adoption. From what she let on, her mother told her only what she needed to know, nothing about...how she came to be. It didn't take much for her to figure it out though." Kathryn shuddered. One day she would be able to think about that time and have no reaction at all. Or at least not such a strong one.

She stopped pacing and turned to face Chakotay. Walking up to him, she grabbed his hands and held them tightly in her own. Chakotay could sense the struggle going on inside of her. When she looked up at him her eyes were intense with just a hint of something else. Determination, maybe. He remained quiet. He knew that something else was on her mind, so he waited for her to speak.

Finally Kathryn swallowed. Straightening her shoulders she looked Chakotay in the eye. "I want to find her Chakotay. I want to get to know my daughter."

Chakotay's eyes searched her face. Concern poured from him. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," she said firmly.

Chakotay remained quiet, his expression unreadable. Kathryn met his steady gaze head on, steeling herself for whatever objections he chose to voice. But his next words whispered to her were like a soothing balm.

"Then we'll find her Kathryn. We'll find her together."

Kathryn felt a relief beyond words. Tension left her body and it felt as if a gigantic weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She knew that Chakotay would help her in any way he could, yet still she had been afraid.

"I'm truly am sorry Chakotay. I feel so ashamed. I know better than this. I should have come to you sooner," she said quietly.



"I can't say I understand Kathryn, because I don't. I thought we put all our issues out on the table and for you to agonize over this, doubting how I felt about you...it hurts me. You don't know how helpless I felt when you wouldn't let me in." He gathered her close. "I know now Kathryn and I'll help you all that I can. But I need you to promise me that if you every have any doubts about my feelings, or anything, you'll come to me immediately. I don't want you putting yourself through this again. Promise me, Kathryn."

She turned her face up to gaze into his eyes. "I promise, Chakotay. I promise."

He smiled and hugged her closer to him. "Good. Now let's go to bed."

The End.

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