Title: Starting Over

Author: Luisa

Email: leyjd@hotmail.com

Pairing: B/G

Rating: PG-13

Distribution: Dword, Kattie, Dee, TL... all my usual archives. Anyone else, who wants it, just let me know where!

Summary: Giles and Buffy finally catch up properly after the events of Grave S6. Truths, tears and smoochies proceed...

Spoilers: All of S6 - specifically Bargaining, Seeing Red and Grave

Disclaimer: not mine although I wish they were. All I own is an overactive imagination. Buffy, Giles and anything else from the BuffyVerse belongs to Joss.

Feedback: As always... DEFINITELY!

Notes: *Emphasis* [Thoughts]

Notes 2: Gail reckoned this needed a major Kleenex warning... so prepare yourself...

Thanks: I really cannot thank my beta - Gail - enough for all your help. To say you polished the fic would be an understatement. Your encouragement, patience and inspiration perfected it. And thanks too, to Angela for your thought on the initial outline. And I can't forget Dword - for fixing 1 little oops, lol. You guys are wonderful people to know. :)

Dedication: To all the B/G fans disappointed [okay, maybe that's an understatement] with 'The Spike Show'... umm... I mean Season Seven... this is for you all. Let's imagine this is how Grave ended and create our own S7 imaginings from this, shall we? At the same time, hopefully it explains a lot about Season Sux... I mean... Six... and why Buffy did what she did... now, on with the fic...

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Part 1

Long after the sun had set on what had been an emotional roller coaster of a day, he came to her.

After all the tears and tantrums had dissipated, after the rage and anguish had settled, he found her sitting subdued on the top step of her porch. The soft glow of light filtering through the kitchen blinds illuminated the tracks on her cheeks where tears had silently flowed only moments before.

Despite the battle wounds still hindering his usually strong stride, the Watcher trod softly through the long grass toward her, feeling his heart breaking softly at her pitiful appearance. How he longed to hold her! How he desired to enfold her in his arms and whisper words of love and comfort. Yet over the years, she'd made it abundantly clear that he was only welcome as a friend. The few embraces they had shared and whatever they may share in the future, he realised, would only be in friendship or duty. Intimacy would never be a part of their relationship. She was out of reach... no matter how many different angles he looked at it from; he was forced to admit it to himself. Without realising it, he let out a soft sigh of disappointment.

She looked up then, her enhanced hearing picking up the soft whisper of his breath. Her eyes widened as she realised who her visitor was.

"Giles..." She spoke his name as if it were a prayer.

Her gentle tone tugged at something within him, and he again struggled to keep himself at arm's length, feeling fresh love rising to the surface. Pushing the emotions down, he took a small step forward. "Buffy..." He felt that familiar feeling creep back into his heart, and before he could stop himself, he'd blurted, "whatever's the matter?"

She gave the tiniest of smiles and shook her head slightly, dismissing his concern. His presence alone was already making her feel a little better and she didn't want to burden him with silly, pointless worries. "It's just... well, I'm exhausted, I guess. This is me in recovery mode." The smile stayed put, but didn't quite reach her eyes.

He smiled slightly, himself, deciding if something truly was wrong, she'd tell him when she was ready. "I can understand that. It's been a long day." He took another small step closer and leaned on the stair rail, still smiling tenderly at her.

"I..." She almost explained otherwise, but that the last moment Buffy faltered - her voice catching in her throat - suddenly afraid to confess the truth, [I thought I was going to lose you...]. Fresh tears spilled from her eyes unexpectedly at the memory and embarrassed, she quickly swiped them away. [Time for a change of subject,] she decided, [before I say something I regret. I can't let him know how I feel]. Composing herself, she tried another smile. "So, what brings you here, Giles?"

A brief expression of hurt flashed in his eyes at the subject change, but was gone before she could question it. [I lost the right to demand she explain herself when I walked out on her]. He knew that he'd been wrong to leave her when he did, yet nothing could turn back the clock. He felt sadness well up inside him - threatening to choke him - but fought it down [What's done is done]. Sighing again, he quieted his emotions before answering. "We...uh... we need to talk."

Matching sadness flickered in the Slayer's already over-bright eyes as the recollection of a similar conversation in the training room a year ago tugged at her mind. The conversation where he told her he was returning to England. She felt something in her stomach turn over even after the sense of déja vu had passed and within moments she lost any remaining bravado, her voice quiet and trembling as she asked the inevitable. "Are you leaving again?" It suddenly felt painful to swallow as she braced herself for his answer.

Giles looked back at her with a lump in his own throat, feeling his chest tighten as he realised the soft, defeated way she asked and the way her shoulders slumped. He could swear he felt his heart break for her, just before a wave of guilt washed over him. Had he done this to her? She used to be so strong - the warrior she was born to be, but now she appeared only to be... [A girl,] his mind whispered, [Just an ordinary girl]. Was this broken child - young woman, he absently corrected himself - a result of his absence in her hour of need? [More than likely], his mind taunted him, [She always *was* so dependent on you]. The Watcher swallowed past the lump in his throat and tried to ignore the voice. He desperately wanted to console her: to undo the pain of the last year, to wrap his arms around her... to be whatever she needed, whenever she needed it. He vowed he would start right now... by promising to be there for her.

"I'm not intending to lea..." at the last moment Giles hesitated, suddenly aware that his current status as far as living conditions were concerned was still undecided. How could he say he would stay, if in all likelihood he would be leaving once things returned to Sunnydale's version of 'normal'? He shrugged his shoulders simply. "Uh... I... um... I don't... I really don't know Buffy."

"Oh." One word. As she felt her insides tighten in despair, Buffy could only manage to force out that one tiny word. She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping to stop the sudden tears from springing out. Why couldn't everything go back to how it used to be? Why couldn't things be the way they were before... before she died? Or before the previous year, even? All of a sudden she realised just how much she missed the days when it was just her, Will, Xand and Giles. Despite a lone tear sneaking out the corner of her eye, she fought to maintain the little composure she had left. "So, what *did* you want to talk about?" A small hiccup of sarcastic laughter escaped her. "The weather?" A sigh of defeat escaped her as comprehension dawned. "Oh, wait, I get it. Willow."

Despite her assumption being wrong, Giles gave no response. He could only silently watch her - feeling his heart give a sickening lurch at her distress - and wish there was some way he could show her just how much he regretted his former actions.

Unaware of his internal reaction, she hunched over her knees again, wrapping her arms around her legs as if she could protect herself that way - shut out the truth and escape the pain. "Everyone wants to talk about Willow. 'Cause she's the worst Wicca ever... tried to end the world... yada, yada. No one *cares* that *I* wanted someone to talk to for the last year - she's the only person that matters. But then, I didn't kill a human, so I'm obviously not worth anybody's time. No one gave a damn about me when Faith went all evil, and now that Will's joined the 'Hit Squad', too, I'm even *more* insignificant." Bitterness filled her voice as she turned her attention back to the man who'd deserted her. "So, what're you gonna do about her? Are you gonna take her back to England with you this time? Are you going to give her the attention she so obviously needs, but won't ask for? Will you be there for her, like you weren't for me? Huh?"

He could only stand silently watching her, guilt flooding through him in deeper measure at her accusatory tone as he became yet more aware of just how much damage he'd done.

"Giles? Are you gonna answer me sometime?" He was surprised to see a fresh pool of tears well up in the Slayer's eyes.

"Buffy, I... *someone* needs to sort Willow out. Just because she didn't end the world today doesn't mean that she's not in danger of losing control again. We need to take care of her, reign in her power. She needs so be taught how to be..." he struggled to find the word, "whole again."

"But what about me, Giles?" The tears spilt out suddenly, cascading down her cheeks. "What about *me* being whole? I was ripped out of heaven. Do you know what that feels like? Do you even care? Do you?"

"You know I care. Tell me," Giles softly commanded, his tone and distant gaze only just succeeding in masking the hurt he felt inside at her harsh words.

Surprised at his calm reaction, Buffy hesitated for a moment, before finally, truly opening her heart for the first time in a year. "It's like hell." At his raised eyebrows, she tried again. "Not heaven. Earth, I mean... well, this life, anyway. 'Cause after something that's so pure, so perfect... anything else is hell: the pain, the suffering, disease and death. Surely you can understand that?" At his quiet nod, she continued, the anger subsiding into melancholy. "I never once thought in my life that I would *ever* go to heaven. I mean, our family was never religious, and even after fighting demons and stuff that aren't meant to exist, I guess I... I never thought it really existed." She barked out a short laugh at the irony. "So, I gotta say... it was one helluva shock to wake up in this white and wonderful place, and to be told by some... spirit... that I'd received my reward... that all the good I'd done had been worth it. And in itself, heaven was..." Her eyes took on a faraway look at the memory, despite the tears still streaming."...It was so beautiful... and everyone was so happy, so peaceful. And you know how they say people are watching over you? Well, I don't think they are - I mean, I couldn't see any of you guys - and besides what would be the point of heaven being a happy place if we see how sad you all are? It would only make us sad, and that's kinda not allowed."

"So, coming back and seeing how bad it had become in your absence was quite a shock, I imagine." He spoke so softly, Buffy would have missed the comment, had she normal hearing. But as it was, she just nodded in agreement.

"And then... when I came back... I found myself in a place of flames and torture, demons and destruction. I stumbled my way through Sunnydale and saw myself... the Buffybot... getting pulled to pieces. Can you imagine what that did to me? I thought the Powers That Be had decided they'd made a mistake, and were rejecting me from heaven into hell. After all, that's what we all imagine hell to look like, isn't it? Fire and torture and destruction... and seeing your own death play out in front of your eyes. It just got worse when I realised that this isn't hell, it's real-life. My life." She added as a painful afterthought.

"Buffy..." Giles' voice was anguished as he wished he could shut out the painful truths he was hearing, making him hate his previous actions even more. How could his judgement have been so misplaced?

"No, Giles, don't 'Buffy' me. Don't you think you lost that right when you abandoned me when I needed you the most?"

"I know." Tears sprang to his own eyes and he missed the startled expression on her face as he gave himself over to self-punishment. "I shouldn't have left you. I was wrong. I should have been here for you." He finished his sentence in a whisper, leaning heavily on the rail for support and she looked up at him in wonder at the unexpected confession.

The sudden rage diminished to a small ball of uncertainty within her as she considered his admission. As she calmed, she attempted to make amends for her outburst. "Really? Gee, I thought you were never wrong. I guess there really is a first time for everything." She smiled gently, to let him know she didn't mean it in a nasty way.

Silence fell between them once more as each contemplated the other's words.

"I needed you," Buffy finally spoke up, the aching knot of emotion inside suddenly becoming too much to bear. Giles remained silent as he looked at her with pained eyes. She tried to ignore the expression, needing to say this one thing, no matter how much it might hurt them both. The knot in her stomach pulled a little tighter and she dropped her legs, wrapping her arms about herself protectively instead, hoping to ease the ache. "I needed you more than I ever had before. I needed your support... your encouragement... everything you ever gave me before, I found myself needing in much larger doses. And I *know* that's the whole reason you left, but you never understood...you never gave me a chance to explain *how* I needed you. 'Cause you were wrong in what you thought I wanted and needed."

"So tell me now." Giles struggled to keep his voice even, despite the agony tearing him apart inside with every word she said; every truth she unearthed unintentionally reminding him of just how much this was his fault.

"I..." she halted suddenly, wondering for a long moment if it was such a great idea to tell him this. As she watched his features become even more distressed, she realised she had no choice. "I needed a friend."

"But you have..."

"No, Giles." She cut him off, inwardly trying to deny the fact that his words came out on a hiccupy sob of confusion. She knew she was hurting him with what she was saying, but she also knew it needed to be said. "I have friends, sure. But they were the ones responsible for my being here. There's no way I could talk to them... not like I can talk to *you*. I needed a friend who wouldn't start feeling guilty when I started explaining that I felt like I was living in hell. And what's more, I needed someone who would just be there without questioning my every move and motive, someone I could confide in, someone who I would feel safe with. I needed someone who would see me through whatever came my way - not just because I can't stand on my own two feet, but because they would see that I have issues that needed to be faced before I could even *think* about handling other people's demons - either literal or physical. See, Giles... I need *you*. *Just you*...'cause you were all of these things and more to me for so long. I can't believe I never realised it until you were gone, but I *did* need you for more than just your research. I needed you to be... there... 'cause you're the one thing that's held my life together over the last six or seven years. I only..."

"I'm sorry, Buffy." Interrupting with a choked whisper, Giles at last sank down onto the seat beside her. There was no point in distancing himself now that his heart had so obviously revealed itself to her. "I didn't know..."

The Slayer fought to repress a fresh wave of anger. "How could you? You never asked. You didn't *care* about what I wanted or needed."

"Of course I cared! I was just wrong in my interpretation. I thought you needed a... well, everything I could never be to you."

"And who gets to decide what that is?" Her eyes searched his, demanding an answer. "Did you even stop to think that all I want you to be is... you?" That brought him up short, and he just sat, goggling at her. A humourless chuckle escaped her at the expression on his face. "Don't look so surprised, Giles."

"But... but..."

"What did you think I needed, Giles?" She ignored his impression of a codfish. "A father? I have one of those... somewhere. A Watcher? I don't think so. I'd just come back from the dead - for the second time, I'll add - so, I'm not exactly gonna be running around looking for my next mission. Or did you think I wanted you to be nothing more than a cash machine for the next time the house got wrecked? I don't think so... if I was desperate, I would have gone grovelling to my father for money if I'd ever found him. I definitely couldn't keep on taking your money... you're better than that. Whatever you thought I wanted, Giles, you got it wrong. All I wanted was you. You, Rupert Giles; my best friend in the whole world and the most important man in my life; the guy who always makes me feel safe... even... even when I'm going out to die."

"God, Buffy." The words came out on a combination of tears and a long ragged breath and the Watcher couldn't help but draw the petite blonde into his arms. Her gentle words had been no comfort, only enhancing his guilty conscience, exaggerating his torment. It felt as if everything inside had been ripped apart, his soul shattered into fragments of its former self. This was his fault. He'd assumed too much, and instead of helping her, it had broken her. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..." He held her tightly to him; breathing heavily into her neck, trying to control the silent sobs internally wracking his body.

After a beat, she wrapped her arms around him in return and buried her face in his shoulder, at last letting go of her own pain, too. She cried quietly as she released the past, finally beginning to feel both her physical and emotional wounds heal as he held her steadfastly. Gradually, Buffy's tears subsided and Giles' breathing calmed and eventually they reluctantly drew back, each aware of the healing power of the embrace they'd shared. Unprepared to let go of each other, they both stopped suddenly, faces mere inches apart. Wordlessly, Giles brought a hand up to his Slayer's face, his heart thumping loudly in his ears, his insides tying themselves into tiny knots of anticipation at the contact. Tenderly, he brushed a thumb across her cheek, smiling gently at her sharp intake of air at his touch. Moving ever so slightly forward, he tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear and brought his other hand up to tilt her chin up to his slightly. He drew a sudden breath of his own at the look in her eyes, a look of hope tinted with fear; tears chased away by an altogether different kind of emotion. Giles moved closer still, and a small shiver graced Buffy's spine as she felt his breath on her face.

"I never wanted to be your father, Buffy."

Another shiver ran through her at his low voice, leaving her nerve endings tingling like they were on fire as she realised the implications of his words and his nearness. "No?" Her breathing had become so erratic she wasn't aware of her question until he answered it huskily.

"No."

He closed the remaining distance between them, his eyes drifting shut as he covered her soft lips with his own.