Title: Starting Over
Author: Luisa
Email: leyjd@hotmail.com
Pairing: B/G
Rating: PG-13
Notes/Disclaimer/thanks: As in Part 1
Part 2
It took only a second for Buffy to recover from her initial shock before she reacted, wrapping both arms around his broad shoulders and returning the tender kiss. As he gently massaged her lips with his, she tightened her hold on him, fire igniting every part of her soul. For the first time since her resurrection she felt alive - felt like she *belonged*. She sighed happily into his mouth as his lips parted and his tongue brushed across her lips invitingly. Keenly complying, she opened her mouth to him, swept along on the gentle tide of desire the loving kiss had stirred within her. She didn't even know it was possible for something so gentle and loving to be so... thrilling and passionate.
Giles moaned deep in his throat as she opened for him, her tongue responding to his. A soft buzz of electricity tingled along the ends of his nerves as she explored the hotness of his mouth. Moving a hand to tangle it into his Slayer's blonde hair, he gently pressed her head to his; encouraging the kiss to deepen further as he revelled in the sensations it produced.
Suddenly - unexpectedly - the light surrounding them went out, leaving the couple bathed only in moonlight. Both opened their eyes reluctantly in automatic response, each hesitant to end the intimate moment, yet at the same time curious as to the source of the intrusion. The realisation that Dawn must have switched off the kitchen light hit both Buffy and Giles in the same instant. Eyes widening in shock at their actions, each could only stare at the other in disbelief. Within moments, the beautiful atmosphere between Watcher and Slayer faded from one of passion into that of discomfort and uncertainty. The awareness that he was the guilty party who initiated the kiss, resulted in Giles suddenly wearing a deep blush of embarrassment. He pulled back abruptly, as if scalded, his eyes darting nervously around as he tried to compose himself.
"I... Buffy, I..."
Balancing on the step, Buffy wrapped her arms about herself, feeling cold and lost without him holding her. Her eyes watered with confusion at the apparent change of heart in this man who was usually so resolute in his decisions. "Giles...?"
"I... I'm so sorry, Buffy." Appalled at his actions, he turned away, unable to even look at her.
"What... why? I-I-I don't understand." Buffy's voice trembled as the tears started to fall.
"I... I don't know what possessed me, Buffy... I should never have taken advantage of you." Still he faced the garden as he spoke, his voice filled with sorrow. "I... I would never... intentionally..." The sentence died on his lips, as she interrupted, desperate to reclaim the moment.
"I know you wouldn't... but... but..." she gave a small sigh of defeat, "It - it wasn't like that. I... I wanted it, too."
He turned to face her then, his expression unreadable. "No, you didn't, Buffy."
"Huh?" She paused mid-button, blinking. "What do you mean?"
Giles dropped his head, simultaneously removing his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. He spoke quietly to his lap as he struggled to both control and explain himself. "You... didn't... *don't*... want me. Why would you? I abandoned you. A-and I understand that you must hate me for it. But please..." His voice choked up slightly, "Please don't say that you want me... in that way... don't you realise that's the worst punishment you could offer? Offering empty words that mean so little to you, yet so much to me? No. Just... please... please, don't say it." His last request was no more than a whisper.
Buffy didn't even realise that she was crying - again - until his features became blurred. "But... but I *do*," she insisted. She reached for him, her heart tightening in despair as he backed away from her as much as possible.
"No, Buffy. You've had a traumatic year, and you don't know what... or *who* you want."
"But... I love you." Now whispering herself, her throat constricted when he again shook his head in disagreement.
"You don't." He could feel his heart splintering as he denied her. She wouldn't love him. Ever.
"I do." The knot of tension and fear returned twice as large as fresh tears cascaded over her cheeks. "Why won't you believe me?"
Slowly, Giles replaced his glasses, looking out over the lawn again. "Because you love Spike." There, he'd said it. Those words tasting like poison at last escaped and Rupert Giles was forced to face the truth. He was barely aware of her reaction; so confident was he that he was right.
Buffy blinked at him in disbelief, the tears temporarily pausing as she processed his statement. "I... what?"
"Be honest with me, Buffy. I may not deserve much, but surely I deserve your honesty. Admit it."
"What? That I love him?" Her voice rose in pitch as she spoke, clearly unable to believe he was assuming such an absurd notion.
"Precisely," he mumbled, suddenly wishing he were deaf, wishing in vain that he could turn back the clock and *not* hear her last words.
"Where the hell did you get such a ridiculous idea? Spike and me...? Uh... *no*. I do *not* love that... that..." She flustered, unable to find a word that would describe *exactly* what she thought of the vampire.
"But you..." Giles interrupted in a dry whisper, hating to hear the forthcoming words, yet needing to force the truth from his Slayer, "You slept with him. You must love him... surely?" When her shocked silence became too much to bear, he at last turned back to face her, clutching the banister behind him like it was his lifeline. "Not that it matters now, but that's what I came to talk to you about, anyway."
Still trying to process his interpretation of the situation, the Slayer's eyes widened at his latest announcement. "Spike? What about him?"
"Not Spike. You. Well... all of, of... *this*. You see... I'm rather confused." When she just stared blankly back at him, he dropped his hands to his lap, fidgeting a little. "I-I-I don't understand how you could... love... *him*. Why you..." he forced the words past the sudden lump, "why you would... sleep with him..." The quiet hurt in his voice held a trace of anger barely being kept in check. "Why? After all I said - all I *did* to protect you from him on so many occasions. I need to know what it is that continually draws you to the vampires you're supposed to kill. I can't understand where I went wrong."
Had they not just shared something so preciously intimate, she would have yelled at him; told him to mind his own business, blamed it all on his leaving. But despite the strong urge raging inside her, she just couldn't do it. Amends needed to be made; bridges needed building. Again she reached for him, and with no place to retreat to, he could only freeze as her small hand sought out his larger one. "*You* didn't, Giles. I'm the one who went wrong. When... when I came back... I felt like I didn't fit in. I was just... I don't know how to explain it. I'd been in Heaven, you know? And now... I was an outcast... from Heaven... and from earth. I think something got left behind when I came back, Giles... and Spike... well, he'd been there. Not heaven," she added with a small smile, "He just... well, have you ever been dead? Has Will or Xand, or any of the others? Exactly," she supplied when he shook his head, realisation dawning. "I died twice, Giles. No one I know has been dead... none of my so-called friends have experienced both heaven *and* hell. But at least Angel and Spike have been dead... they've been to hell and back. So they... they understood." She heaved a deep sigh at the admission she was about to make not only to her ex-Watcher but also to herself.
"And, do you know what, Giles? I think that if the Master had never killed me, I would have out-grown my infatuation with Angel. But... but..." She stumbled over the words as silent tears caught in her throat, "Instead, a little piece of me never came back when I died and I sought it in Angel... this person... vampire... who knew what I was going through. But even after sleeping with him, I still never felt whole. Not properly. So you see? It always *was* my fault that Jenny died."
Giles' hand finally responded to hers as she spoke and now clutched it firmly. "Not your fault," he whispered, his eyes and face full of pain for both himself and his Slayer.
She shook her head, ignoring his comment. "And Spike... he was the same... I lost even more when I came back this year... I was looking for someone to understand..."
"But... why him?" Giles' voice grew even more anguished. "After I spent so long telling him that there was no way to you? Why destroy the barricade I had spent so long building for you?"
"Because a: he was an outcast too; and b: he was dead." Buffy fixed her gaze on their joined hands, feeling a soft glow of hope flare up within her heart. "He could give me what Angel gave me. He could... complete me... maybe somehow make me feel normal or whole. But it didn't work. I never cared for him... and I never felt whole. But... just now, Giles... when we... I *did* feel whole. I felt alive."
"Buffy... don't..."
"Giles..." Ready to protest, Buffy interrupted herself as a fresh realisation hit her. "How come you suddenly care about whether I love Spike or not, anyway? Not so long ago, you just laughed when I told you that I'd slept with him. I don't understand why it all matters now... or why you can't accept that he means nothing to me... especially compared to you. I *love* you."
He could only raise his eyebrows at her determined efforts to persuade him that it was he she loved and not the vampire. He cleared his throat, trying to collect his thoughts - already her admissions had pierced him deeper than he imagined possible, yet he just couldn't work past the fact that she'd slept with Spike. He tried to ignore the churning in his gut, certain that if he forced the issue she would have to confess her feelings, instead of hiding behind the lie that she loved *him*, Rupert Giles.
"Buffy..." Again he cleared his throat, hating himself for doing this, for pressuring her into saying something that would pain him so. [But,] he reminded himself [my feelings don't matter... I must bear the consequences of my actions. What is by far the most important, is that she is honest with herself. And I must bring her to that place, no matter how much it may grieve me.] He broke from his thoughts long enough to level his sad gaze with her still astounded one. "Firstly, you may need reminding that the end of the world was nigh. I take it you *do* remember?" He barely acknowledged her curt nod and lips parting in self-defence, instead continuing with his lecture in a dry voice. "Personally, I consider such a thing to be just slightly more important than your love-life, or lust-life... or whatever it is that you claim you and Spike... shared." The Watcher heaved a deep sigh. "What did you expect me to do? Sit you down for a five-point lecture on responsibility and duty? Or, perhaps try and understand why you continue to flout the laws set out regarding Slayer/Vampire relations? We simply didn't have *time* and I, therefore, had no other option but to dismiss it as I did." By now his voice was more strained than dry, his heart heavy from the repercussions of this visit. He opted to return to the original point, hoping that it would be over soon - that he might forget the pain in a glass of scotch. "So that is why I am here now. It is why I came to discuss this matter with you, to try and understand your actions... actions that have betrayed everything I ever did for you. Yet, you can offer no sound reason for your behaviour... no love... no anything, except for a need to feel accepted into the world. And so I ask again, *why* him? You knew how he felt about you... it wouldn't have been fair to play on his so-called emotions. You *must* have cared for him, to..."
"Giles." She at last succeeded in cutting him off, a strong note of determination rising in her voice, before she quietened. "He tried to rape me."
"P-pardon?"
"Spike. I-I told him it was over. Told him I was using him. But he thought that... I mean, he didn't... didn't believe me. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I should have made it... clearer, somehow... 'cause next thing I know he's there again... in my house; in my bathroom... I don't think he even realised he was there... don't think he cared. He just... wanted to be with me, I guess. God, what is it with me and vamps, huh?" She swallowed down a hiccuppy sob that threatened to erupt; needing to finish what she'd started - hoping that it would be the beginning of the end to her painful memories. "He kept telling me we were meant to be together, that I was like him... he thought I was playing hard to get, I guess... but I wasn't. It really *was* over... at least *I* thought it was. But he... he didn't get it. He tried..." A larger sob rose in her throat at the memory, "He tried to rape me. Well, he tried to get me back the only way he knew how... but I didn't want it, and things kinda went... from there and he tried to force me..." the sob broke freely into her speech, tears pouring from her eyes.
Ashen faced and speechless, Giles could only gather the weeping Slayer into his arms. Silently, he cradled her to him, gently and steadily rocking her as she let go of the emotion that she'd been holding ever since the incident. Years of experience had taught him that in such circumstances, just to be here was all Buffy needed... especially given their recent history. Biting his tongue from commenting on his already heated feelings about her attacker, Giles simply allowed himself to be the anchor that Buffy needed him to be. Long after her sobs had quietened he continued to hold her steadfastly, lost in his thoughts and content to just hold her - grateful to be allowed that privilege after everything he had put her through. It wasn't everything his earlier fantasies had conjured - he wasn't whispering words of love, comfort or devotion - but still, he felt a forgiving peace settle over his heart as Buffy returned the embrace, snuggling closer into him.
The steady beat of his heart comforted her more than she thought possible. [It's been so long since a man... a *real* man held me this way] She held him a little tighter, permitting herself a subtle sniff of his manliness - his humanness. A small smile crept over her lips as she realised he had as little intention of letting her go as she had, him. They stayed like that - holding one another - for many long moments, aware only of the moonlight encircling them and of each other's steady breathing.
Eventually, Giles drew back slightly and found himself lost once more in her deep grey-blue eyes. "I *am* sorry, Buffy. I know it's my fault... for if I had never left you, then perhaps you would have confided in me instead..." His voice, already hushed, now trailed off as he realised what he was saying. "I... I'm sorry." He drew a soft sigh. It seemed to him that he'd done nothing but apologise all evening. "Truly, I am. I... I have no right to assume..."
"Shhh, Giles." Buffy's voice was almost as soft as his sigh, her gaze still fixed on his, her drying eyes studying the oceans of sadness in his. He gave a gentle shudder as she lifted a hand to place a finger tenderly against his lips to shush him. "It's not your fault... well, okay... maybe... maybe I did blame you for it all... initially... but I think it might have happened, even if you *were* here. I mean... *can* you relate to my... 'post-death' experience?" He didn't move, all too aware of the way his skin was tingling underneath her touch - yet she read his response in his eyes; the way that incredible sadness seemed to deepen. She could feel her heart ache for him, although she wasn't quite sure why. Repressing the sensation, she continued, "That's my whole point, Giles. You can't. No one can. Even if you *had* been here, I probably still would have turned to Spike. I think the only thing that would have stopped me doing that, would have been Angel...and we both know that would have led to a world of badness."
He swallowed hard, and tried to stop his internal reaction from showing in his eyes. "So nothing I could have done...?"
She gave a small, understanding smile as she completed his question, "...Would have stopped me? No. Nothing." She gently rubbed her finger along his velvet lips in reassurance, before lowering her hand to wrap her arm around him again. "But right now, there's lots you can do."
He lifted a hand, gently running it through her fine strands of hair. "I would move heaven and earth for you, Buffy, if I could. Just tell me what you need and I'll do it."
Her voice was suddenly full of unshed tears as she answered. "Hold me," she whispered. As he obliged, pulling her into his embrace once more, she buried her face again in his sweater. "And, could you...maybe... love me?" Her plea was barely heard, muffled into him as he held her and as the silence stretched out she wondered if he'd heard her.
Eventually he responded, his eyes closed against the night as he felt his heart clench in his chest. "I... I already *do* love you," he reluctantly admitted with a sigh. "A-and, somehow, the more you tell me that you love me too, the more I believe it. I just..." Again he sighed, this time hugging her closer to him, "I'm afraid that I don't know what to do with that knowledge."
Author: Luisa
Email: leyjd@hotmail.com
Pairing: B/G
Rating: PG-13
Notes/Disclaimer/thanks: As in Part 1
Part 2
It took only a second for Buffy to recover from her initial shock before she reacted, wrapping both arms around his broad shoulders and returning the tender kiss. As he gently massaged her lips with his, she tightened her hold on him, fire igniting every part of her soul. For the first time since her resurrection she felt alive - felt like she *belonged*. She sighed happily into his mouth as his lips parted and his tongue brushed across her lips invitingly. Keenly complying, she opened her mouth to him, swept along on the gentle tide of desire the loving kiss had stirred within her. She didn't even know it was possible for something so gentle and loving to be so... thrilling and passionate.
Giles moaned deep in his throat as she opened for him, her tongue responding to his. A soft buzz of electricity tingled along the ends of his nerves as she explored the hotness of his mouth. Moving a hand to tangle it into his Slayer's blonde hair, he gently pressed her head to his; encouraging the kiss to deepen further as he revelled in the sensations it produced.
Suddenly - unexpectedly - the light surrounding them went out, leaving the couple bathed only in moonlight. Both opened their eyes reluctantly in automatic response, each hesitant to end the intimate moment, yet at the same time curious as to the source of the intrusion. The realisation that Dawn must have switched off the kitchen light hit both Buffy and Giles in the same instant. Eyes widening in shock at their actions, each could only stare at the other in disbelief. Within moments, the beautiful atmosphere between Watcher and Slayer faded from one of passion into that of discomfort and uncertainty. The awareness that he was the guilty party who initiated the kiss, resulted in Giles suddenly wearing a deep blush of embarrassment. He pulled back abruptly, as if scalded, his eyes darting nervously around as he tried to compose himself.
"I... Buffy, I..."
Balancing on the step, Buffy wrapped her arms about herself, feeling cold and lost without him holding her. Her eyes watered with confusion at the apparent change of heart in this man who was usually so resolute in his decisions. "Giles...?"
"I... I'm so sorry, Buffy." Appalled at his actions, he turned away, unable to even look at her.
"What... why? I-I-I don't understand." Buffy's voice trembled as the tears started to fall.
"I... I don't know what possessed me, Buffy... I should never have taken advantage of you." Still he faced the garden as he spoke, his voice filled with sorrow. "I... I would never... intentionally..." The sentence died on his lips, as she interrupted, desperate to reclaim the moment.
"I know you wouldn't... but... but..." she gave a small sigh of defeat, "It - it wasn't like that. I... I wanted it, too."
He turned to face her then, his expression unreadable. "No, you didn't, Buffy."
"Huh?" She paused mid-button, blinking. "What do you mean?"
Giles dropped his head, simultaneously removing his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. He spoke quietly to his lap as he struggled to both control and explain himself. "You... didn't... *don't*... want me. Why would you? I abandoned you. A-and I understand that you must hate me for it. But please..." His voice choked up slightly, "Please don't say that you want me... in that way... don't you realise that's the worst punishment you could offer? Offering empty words that mean so little to you, yet so much to me? No. Just... please... please, don't say it." His last request was no more than a whisper.
Buffy didn't even realise that she was crying - again - until his features became blurred. "But... but I *do*," she insisted. She reached for him, her heart tightening in despair as he backed away from her as much as possible.
"No, Buffy. You've had a traumatic year, and you don't know what... or *who* you want."
"But... I love you." Now whispering herself, her throat constricted when he again shook his head in disagreement.
"You don't." He could feel his heart splintering as he denied her. She wouldn't love him. Ever.
"I do." The knot of tension and fear returned twice as large as fresh tears cascaded over her cheeks. "Why won't you believe me?"
Slowly, Giles replaced his glasses, looking out over the lawn again. "Because you love Spike." There, he'd said it. Those words tasting like poison at last escaped and Rupert Giles was forced to face the truth. He was barely aware of her reaction; so confident was he that he was right.
Buffy blinked at him in disbelief, the tears temporarily pausing as she processed his statement. "I... what?"
"Be honest with me, Buffy. I may not deserve much, but surely I deserve your honesty. Admit it."
"What? That I love him?" Her voice rose in pitch as she spoke, clearly unable to believe he was assuming such an absurd notion.
"Precisely," he mumbled, suddenly wishing he were deaf, wishing in vain that he could turn back the clock and *not* hear her last words.
"Where the hell did you get such a ridiculous idea? Spike and me...? Uh... *no*. I do *not* love that... that..." She flustered, unable to find a word that would describe *exactly* what she thought of the vampire.
"But you..." Giles interrupted in a dry whisper, hating to hear the forthcoming words, yet needing to force the truth from his Slayer, "You slept with him. You must love him... surely?" When her shocked silence became too much to bear, he at last turned back to face her, clutching the banister behind him like it was his lifeline. "Not that it matters now, but that's what I came to talk to you about, anyway."
Still trying to process his interpretation of the situation, the Slayer's eyes widened at his latest announcement. "Spike? What about him?"
"Not Spike. You. Well... all of, of... *this*. You see... I'm rather confused." When she just stared blankly back at him, he dropped his hands to his lap, fidgeting a little. "I-I-I don't understand how you could... love... *him*. Why you..." he forced the words past the sudden lump, "why you would... sleep with him..." The quiet hurt in his voice held a trace of anger barely being kept in check. "Why? After all I said - all I *did* to protect you from him on so many occasions. I need to know what it is that continually draws you to the vampires you're supposed to kill. I can't understand where I went wrong."
Had they not just shared something so preciously intimate, she would have yelled at him; told him to mind his own business, blamed it all on his leaving. But despite the strong urge raging inside her, she just couldn't do it. Amends needed to be made; bridges needed building. Again she reached for him, and with no place to retreat to, he could only freeze as her small hand sought out his larger one. "*You* didn't, Giles. I'm the one who went wrong. When... when I came back... I felt like I didn't fit in. I was just... I don't know how to explain it. I'd been in Heaven, you know? And now... I was an outcast... from Heaven... and from earth. I think something got left behind when I came back, Giles... and Spike... well, he'd been there. Not heaven," she added with a small smile, "He just... well, have you ever been dead? Has Will or Xand, or any of the others? Exactly," she supplied when he shook his head, realisation dawning. "I died twice, Giles. No one I know has been dead... none of my so-called friends have experienced both heaven *and* hell. But at least Angel and Spike have been dead... they've been to hell and back. So they... they understood." She heaved a deep sigh at the admission she was about to make not only to her ex-Watcher but also to herself.
"And, do you know what, Giles? I think that if the Master had never killed me, I would have out-grown my infatuation with Angel. But... but..." She stumbled over the words as silent tears caught in her throat, "Instead, a little piece of me never came back when I died and I sought it in Angel... this person... vampire... who knew what I was going through. But even after sleeping with him, I still never felt whole. Not properly. So you see? It always *was* my fault that Jenny died."
Giles' hand finally responded to hers as she spoke and now clutched it firmly. "Not your fault," he whispered, his eyes and face full of pain for both himself and his Slayer.
She shook her head, ignoring his comment. "And Spike... he was the same... I lost even more when I came back this year... I was looking for someone to understand..."
"But... why him?" Giles' voice grew even more anguished. "After I spent so long telling him that there was no way to you? Why destroy the barricade I had spent so long building for you?"
"Because a: he was an outcast too; and b: he was dead." Buffy fixed her gaze on their joined hands, feeling a soft glow of hope flare up within her heart. "He could give me what Angel gave me. He could... complete me... maybe somehow make me feel normal or whole. But it didn't work. I never cared for him... and I never felt whole. But... just now, Giles... when we... I *did* feel whole. I felt alive."
"Buffy... don't..."
"Giles..." Ready to protest, Buffy interrupted herself as a fresh realisation hit her. "How come you suddenly care about whether I love Spike or not, anyway? Not so long ago, you just laughed when I told you that I'd slept with him. I don't understand why it all matters now... or why you can't accept that he means nothing to me... especially compared to you. I *love* you."
He could only raise his eyebrows at her determined efforts to persuade him that it was he she loved and not the vampire. He cleared his throat, trying to collect his thoughts - already her admissions had pierced him deeper than he imagined possible, yet he just couldn't work past the fact that she'd slept with Spike. He tried to ignore the churning in his gut, certain that if he forced the issue she would have to confess her feelings, instead of hiding behind the lie that she loved *him*, Rupert Giles.
"Buffy..." Again he cleared his throat, hating himself for doing this, for pressuring her into saying something that would pain him so. [But,] he reminded himself [my feelings don't matter... I must bear the consequences of my actions. What is by far the most important, is that she is honest with herself. And I must bring her to that place, no matter how much it may grieve me.] He broke from his thoughts long enough to level his sad gaze with her still astounded one. "Firstly, you may need reminding that the end of the world was nigh. I take it you *do* remember?" He barely acknowledged her curt nod and lips parting in self-defence, instead continuing with his lecture in a dry voice. "Personally, I consider such a thing to be just slightly more important than your love-life, or lust-life... or whatever it is that you claim you and Spike... shared." The Watcher heaved a deep sigh. "What did you expect me to do? Sit you down for a five-point lecture on responsibility and duty? Or, perhaps try and understand why you continue to flout the laws set out regarding Slayer/Vampire relations? We simply didn't have *time* and I, therefore, had no other option but to dismiss it as I did." By now his voice was more strained than dry, his heart heavy from the repercussions of this visit. He opted to return to the original point, hoping that it would be over soon - that he might forget the pain in a glass of scotch. "So that is why I am here now. It is why I came to discuss this matter with you, to try and understand your actions... actions that have betrayed everything I ever did for you. Yet, you can offer no sound reason for your behaviour... no love... no anything, except for a need to feel accepted into the world. And so I ask again, *why* him? You knew how he felt about you... it wouldn't have been fair to play on his so-called emotions. You *must* have cared for him, to..."
"Giles." She at last succeeded in cutting him off, a strong note of determination rising in her voice, before she quietened. "He tried to rape me."
"P-pardon?"
"Spike. I-I told him it was over. Told him I was using him. But he thought that... I mean, he didn't... didn't believe me. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I should have made it... clearer, somehow... 'cause next thing I know he's there again... in my house; in my bathroom... I don't think he even realised he was there... don't think he cared. He just... wanted to be with me, I guess. God, what is it with me and vamps, huh?" She swallowed down a hiccuppy sob that threatened to erupt; needing to finish what she'd started - hoping that it would be the beginning of the end to her painful memories. "He kept telling me we were meant to be together, that I was like him... he thought I was playing hard to get, I guess... but I wasn't. It really *was* over... at least *I* thought it was. But he... he didn't get it. He tried..." A larger sob rose in her throat at the memory, "He tried to rape me. Well, he tried to get me back the only way he knew how... but I didn't want it, and things kinda went... from there and he tried to force me..." the sob broke freely into her speech, tears pouring from her eyes.
Ashen faced and speechless, Giles could only gather the weeping Slayer into his arms. Silently, he cradled her to him, gently and steadily rocking her as she let go of the emotion that she'd been holding ever since the incident. Years of experience had taught him that in such circumstances, just to be here was all Buffy needed... especially given their recent history. Biting his tongue from commenting on his already heated feelings about her attacker, Giles simply allowed himself to be the anchor that Buffy needed him to be. Long after her sobs had quietened he continued to hold her steadfastly, lost in his thoughts and content to just hold her - grateful to be allowed that privilege after everything he had put her through. It wasn't everything his earlier fantasies had conjured - he wasn't whispering words of love, comfort or devotion - but still, he felt a forgiving peace settle over his heart as Buffy returned the embrace, snuggling closer into him.
The steady beat of his heart comforted her more than she thought possible. [It's been so long since a man... a *real* man held me this way] She held him a little tighter, permitting herself a subtle sniff of his manliness - his humanness. A small smile crept over her lips as she realised he had as little intention of letting her go as she had, him. They stayed like that - holding one another - for many long moments, aware only of the moonlight encircling them and of each other's steady breathing.
Eventually, Giles drew back slightly and found himself lost once more in her deep grey-blue eyes. "I *am* sorry, Buffy. I know it's my fault... for if I had never left you, then perhaps you would have confided in me instead..." His voice, already hushed, now trailed off as he realised what he was saying. "I... I'm sorry." He drew a soft sigh. It seemed to him that he'd done nothing but apologise all evening. "Truly, I am. I... I have no right to assume..."
"Shhh, Giles." Buffy's voice was almost as soft as his sigh, her gaze still fixed on his, her drying eyes studying the oceans of sadness in his. He gave a gentle shudder as she lifted a hand to place a finger tenderly against his lips to shush him. "It's not your fault... well, okay... maybe... maybe I did blame you for it all... initially... but I think it might have happened, even if you *were* here. I mean... *can* you relate to my... 'post-death' experience?" He didn't move, all too aware of the way his skin was tingling underneath her touch - yet she read his response in his eyes; the way that incredible sadness seemed to deepen. She could feel her heart ache for him, although she wasn't quite sure why. Repressing the sensation, she continued, "That's my whole point, Giles. You can't. No one can. Even if you *had* been here, I probably still would have turned to Spike. I think the only thing that would have stopped me doing that, would have been Angel...and we both know that would have led to a world of badness."
He swallowed hard, and tried to stop his internal reaction from showing in his eyes. "So nothing I could have done...?"
She gave a small, understanding smile as she completed his question, "...Would have stopped me? No. Nothing." She gently rubbed her finger along his velvet lips in reassurance, before lowering her hand to wrap her arm around him again. "But right now, there's lots you can do."
He lifted a hand, gently running it through her fine strands of hair. "I would move heaven and earth for you, Buffy, if I could. Just tell me what you need and I'll do it."
Her voice was suddenly full of unshed tears as she answered. "Hold me," she whispered. As he obliged, pulling her into his embrace once more, she buried her face again in his sweater. "And, could you...maybe... love me?" Her plea was barely heard, muffled into him as he held her and as the silence stretched out she wondered if he'd heard her.
Eventually he responded, his eyes closed against the night as he felt his heart clench in his chest. "I... I already *do* love you," he reluctantly admitted with a sigh. "A-and, somehow, the more you tell me that you love me too, the more I believe it. I just..." Again he sighed, this time hugging her closer to him, "I'm afraid that I don't know what to do with that knowledge."
