"I NO LONGER LOVE HER, THAT'S CERTAIN, BUT MAYBE I LOVE HER… LOVE IS SO SHORT, FORGETTING IS SO LONG."

I forgot where that quote came from. I just ran out of opening phrases so I sort of put that instead.

Anyway, school started this week for me. So far, I don't like the professors. And because of that, I might start putting updates once every week only. But as I said, the story will be finished soon because HP5 is coming out soon. I know you'd all be busy by then.

And another thing, sorry for not being able to put up an update last weekend. I had been watching this TV series, "Meteor Garden" and I kind of got hooked on it. It's about these four guys in a school and a girl that the leader (of the four) liked. Doesn't sound so good coming from me, does it? Anyway, that's the reason. I've been struggling to keep it off my head lately especially when I'm writing or else my characters would start sounding like them characters in the series.

Okay, that's it. By the way, thanks for the reviews. :)

Lilia

Lili Flynn

Bambie

Anarane

SarahPeach

Mooky

Little House Girl

Sayo

SpiritedPhoenix

oobergoober: oh well, if James did that, a slap on the face (even on both cheeks) wouldn't be enough. ^_^

lilybird

moozy: I'm not sure about the search engine. All I know is that it says that it takes about 24 hours before updates are completed. So, I guess that's it.

Treeling11

Lamina Court

mutsumi: wala lang akong masabi. Ah, sana lang e yung 'decent bading' e misinterpreted lang about HIM.

oRe0

Stunned

hpfan21

Frankie

angkat14: don't worry. This story wouldn't even reach chapter thirty.

LadyLily316

east of the shore

DanniBannani

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry Potter. Others belong to me.

sorry didn't mean to call you but i couldn't fight it... i guess i was weak, couldn't even hide it... and so i surrendered, just to hear your voice... -- son by four, "purest of pain"

~*~*~*~

CHAPTER TWENTY THREE: Welcome Back to Reality…

James went home.

Smashed.

Shattered.

Broken.

He didn't bother to find her in the train anymore.

Didn't bother to try to apologize for the millionth time.

Didn't bother to try and make her believe…

All of it was true.

But by the time he stepped into his room… he shook his head. He wasn't thinking of giving up, either.

* * * * *

He started sending her letters since the night he reached home. Everyday, he owled her. Every night, he sat by his desk next to the window waiting for some reply. And every night, he would fall asleep waiting. But no reply came. Not a single one.

Until a couple of days before classes would begin again, he did his routine. Because a couple of days before classes would begin again, he decided to stop. One night, he just lay in his bed. The only option remaining was to shrug and tell himself to forget. To resign. And give up.

Or maybe not…

James' thoughts were distracted when he heard a tapping on his window. An owl. Who would be owling in this time of the night? Well…

He suddenly sat up. Lily?

Without wasting another breath, he got up and opened his window – while almost tripping and falling down to the floor as he hurried on.

Yeah, James. Dream on, he sighed as he let the noisy, tapping owl inside his room and recognized Sirius, er, the owl as belonging to Sirius.

He didn't really have the strength or the interest, at that, to read the letter that his friend just sent him. Anyway, he knew what was written there. Some kind of 'cheer up' or 'get off your bum' sort of letter. He chuckled to himself picturing how Sirius would look like if he were right there saying those words. Just like the other day when he woke up, quite shaken – Sirius was jumping violently on his bed.

"James, my dahling! Wake up!" Sirius hollered at the top of his lungs as he tried to jump higher.

"What? What?" James tried to sit up, as he focused his vision while almost being thrown out of his own bed. Then, he recognized Sirius practically trying to reach the ceiling while Remus was standing beside his bed with Peter sitting on a stool next to him – as both were delightfully watching the commotion.

When Sirius realized that James was finally awake, he stopped bouncing on the bed and then sat beside his friend, who was still quite lightheaded from all the shaking of the bed. "So, what's new?" he asked with a wide grin flashed across his face.

James turned to the table beside him and looked at the time. Eight in the morning. Eight in the morning?! For crying out loud, it was eight in the morning! James threw Sirius a stabbing look. "Go away," he muttered, as he lay back down and covered himself with his blanket.

"I told you."

"Told what?" James asked from under his blanket. Although his eyes were wide shut, he recognized Remus' voice talking to Sirius and Peter.

"Yeah," James heard Sirius say. "Bad case. Tsk tsk tsk."

"What bad case?" James asked again. But he was nowhere near opening his eyes and getting out from under his cover.

"This is just astonishing," came Peter's voice.

James groaned and emerged from under his blanket. Apparently, his friends were talking about him like he wasn't there. "Okay, stop. Told what bad case to whom that is just astonishing?" he questioned, not really knowing if he just made sense.

And obviously, James didn't. His friends all looked at him with knitted brows and he looked back at them with a 'what's so unclear about my question' face.

Sirius moved closer to James. "Lily Evans," he whispered in his friend's ear like it was some secret code used to program him. It wasn't an answer to any question. It was just something Sirius and his friends would usually do to James those days.

"Ooh… get out," James groaned as he went back under his blanket.

But before James could even cover his face, Sirius pulled the blanket away and yelled, "No! Get up! Get up!"

And as if on cue, Remus and Peter grabbed James and pulled him out of his bed.

That morning, James' friends dragged him to Diagon Alley. He smiled remembering it. But then, the next day would be very different.

* * * * *

James entered Platform nine and three-quarters not really knowing what to expect. He was hoping for something – or someone. Okay, he was hoping to see her. He knew he didn't get any reply for his letters. But he was at least hoping that she had read them. All of them.

However, he never saw Lily at the station. There was a time when most of the students came in and they just crowded the platform. Maybe Lily was one of those in the crowd. Sad thing was, he just didn't see her.

When the train arrived in Hogsmeade station, James expected the same thing – to not even catch sight of her. He didn't look; he just kept walking toward the exit.

As he sauntered listlessly along the platform, he watched as students greet each other like they hadn't seen one another in two years. Even some of the girls ran out of the train and shrieked with delight as they spotted those they knew.

He watched every door as he passed by. Students coming out. Students greeting each other. Some were with their friends. Some were on their way to meet their friends. Some were blocking his way, actually. And some were…

He froze. As much as he wanted to keep walking, his feet suddenly stopped. His heart suddenly leapt. And his mouth suddenly went dry.

He watched as Lily get off the train. What was he supposed to do? Was he supposed to say something? Or wave? Or smile? Or, or just stay standing where he was as he looked at her… looking back at him.

And they looked at each other. Awkward. There was that air that felt like they had millions of things to say to each other. But none of those millions of things ever came out. And three seconds later…

She went on.

He went on.

Just like they weren't there. Just like nothing happened.

* * * * *

But it happened again.

It happened again during dinner that night in the Great Hall.

It happened again in the common room.

It happened in classes.

It happened when they chanced upon each other in the hallways.

It happened.

Again.

And again.

And again.

For the next two months.

Again and again.

There was nothing much to describe. Nothing much to tell. Everything went like normal. Lily hung out with her friends. James hung out with his. Except maybe, James-and-Lily 'normal' wasn't as it used to be. Because it kept happening – the thing that always ended up 'just like nothing happened.'

* * * * *

"That was just terrible," James mumbled, as he threw his broom aside. "What is wrong with you, people?!" he blurted, as he breathed out a sigh of extreme frustration.

Gryffindor had just finished a Quidditch match against Slytherin and the team retreated back to the stands after the game. And as James had described it, it was terrible. But why?

"What's your problem?" Jessica, the team's Keeper, demanded. She couldn't see the point. "We won."

A chorus of agreement floated within the group.

James snorted. His team was sounding ridiculous. "Yeah! By twenty points!" he yelled.

Okay, so that was the point.

Silence hung in the air as the team waited for the continuation of his lecture. "If I hadn't caught the Snitch, we would've lost by more than that," he said, matter-of-factly. He looked at his team and realized that he just burst everyone's bubble.

Yay. Great going, James.

He tried to calm down and picked up his broom while the team waited anxiously. He was going to say something more and they knew it. "First thing tomorrow morning. I want you all in the field."

"What?"

"Are you kidding?"

All came the team's complaints and groans. But he wasn't listening. He just turned around and walked.

"That's insane!" Toni blurted out. That was it. She was getting tired of him being so grumpy all the time. Every time they got practice, he was impatient. Every time after a game, he was still irritable. Every single freakin' time! It was driving everyone mad.

James halted and turned around. Okay… someone was standing up to him.

"Do you know why we almost lost, James?" Toni demanded. "Because we're tired. That's why."

"Well, I'm tired too," James retaliated. "But you don't see me failing to do my job." And he left.

* * * * *

Sirius walked just outside where the Gryffindor team was gathered so he could wait for Toni. He was just halfway when he saw James marching out of the stands looking like he was told that he was going to die in the next ten minutes.

James was looking down on the ground with a scowl. He just passed by Sirius and he wasn't even aware of it. However, fortunately, Sirius understood why James was being so dismal lately. Sometimes, he was even pathetic. But then again, the whole school practically knew why he looked dejected a lot of times. A lot of times since school resumed.

Sirius looked as James walked past him. He shook his head as he watched his friend walk back to the castle, dragging his broom with him. Then, Sirius turned back to his destination where, now, he saw everyone else in the Gryffindor team walking back to the castle all looking like they just lost the will to live. Even Toni was one of them.

Toni saw Sirius and walked to him. Although she felt lighter that he was there, her expression that looked like she just lost millions worth of money couldn't be wiped off of her face.

Sirius looked confused. From what he heard when he was watching the game, Gryffindor won. But, why those faces? And why that face on his girlfriend, too? "For someone who just won the game," he called Toni's attention and she turned to him with a pout. "You don't…" he trailed as he looked at the other Gryffindor players passing by. "I may be mistaken," he said and scratched his head, "but you don't look happy."

Oh, wasn't that a bit obvious?

Toni didn't say anything. But out of frustration, she reached out and punched Sirius on the left shoulder. It was a light, girly punch – but coming from Toni… well, it still sting if only a little.

"Heeey…" Sirius moaned, quite surprised as he touched his 'hurt' shoulder.

Toni still kept quiet. All she did afterwards was to groan out all her exasperation. And then, she reached for him and wrapped her arms around his right arm needing all the comfort she could probably get from him. "He is driving us crazy!" she finally let out the words ringing in her head.

"He's that bad, huh?" Sirius commented as they themselves started walking back to the castle. He knew that Toni was talking about James. She had been complaining to him about their team captain since they got back from their Christmas break.

Toni snorted. Bad? Bad?! "Bad isn't the word to describe him," Toni replied, with a shake of her head. No. Not bad. "He's awful!" she exclaimed as she looked at Sirius like saying 'you should do something about it like, right now!' "He's getting worse everyday," she added as a matter of fact, looking straight into his eyes.

Oh, yes. He was getting worse every day.

* * * * *

After the game, Sirius knew that James would be hungry. But then again, James was almost always hungry. And so, after the never ending grumbling and moaning of his girlfriend – who decided to retreat back to her dormitory – he rushed into the Great Hall with Remus and Peter.

They found James sitting in his usual place as he was eating a whole bunch of food laid down before him.

Remus rolled his eyes. "He's sulking again. I can't believe this," he mumbled under his breath as they stood by the door watching their friend slouched down in his seat while eating his food in silence.

Sirius put an arm around Remus' shoulders and looked at his friend. "That's why we're here," he said, with a tone of determination.

And like men with a mission, they walked their way to James who was completely unaware that he was being watched.

In truth, they had no idea what they were going to do. But anything at that time was worth a try.

Sirius sat beside James while Remus and Peter sat across the table from them.

No reaction.

Alright… since the food looked delicious anyway…

When James took a piece of chicken and was about to bite from it, Sirius suddenly grabbed it and started eating. "Hmmm… good," Sirius remarked, nodding.

James stayed his position for a moment – elbow on the table with his hand raised to his mouth. Then, he rolled his eyes and looked at Remus and Peter in front of him to acknowledge their presence. And then, he turned to Sirius and looked at him with knitted brows and a 'hey, that's my chicken!' face.

Sirius smiled at James ever so widely as he chewed the big bite he just took from the food in his hand. While Remus and Peter were looking at them crazy as they tried to hide their grinning faces.

James sighed. In another time, he would've grabbed back his food and push Sirius to a safe distance away from his chicken. But at that time, all he could muster up was a lousy sigh.

Sirius rolled his eyes. A sigh? A sigh?! Even a dumb little kid could do better than a sigh! "Hey," he called James' attention. "I just realized, we haven't been taking 'midnight strolls' for quite a while and…"

"Yeah," Peter agreed. "I mean, we've lay low for some time now."

Remus nodded. Then, he turned to James and said, "So, do you want us to turn some blond git into a toad or something like a talking pig?"

James smiled. Ah, a smile. He had forgotten how ridiculous his friends could be.

"With blond hair?" Peter joked in.

"With blond hair," Remus nodded in agreement.

Sirius pursed his lips as he pictured that idea. "A toad with blond hair. That's totally disgusting and funny at the same time," he said. "What do you think?" he asked James.

They waited for James to say something more than a smile. Anything. Say anything!

"Or maybe you prefer a talking pig?" Sirius uttered finding it hard to squeeze out any word from that friend of his.

And when all James did was a smile halfway across his face before he continued eating, Sirius groaned loudly.

Sirius ran a hand of frustration across his face straight down and banged his hand on the table, making the silverwares rattle. "James!" he exclaimed sending some students' gaze toward his way. Even James' attention! Good one. "James. You're just not fun lately," he said so dramatically like he had just escaped from a soap opera, complete with downcast eyes and a pout and a disappointed shaking of the head.

James snorted at the sight of his friend. "Fine," he agreed to engage in a prank fest with his friends that night. Then, he turned to Sirius and shook his head violently. "Don't do that again, okay?" he pleaded referring to his friend being melodramatic. "You're bad in acting. And give me that," he said as he grabbed the piece of chicken that Sirius just took again.

* * * * *

So it was done. They really didn't care if they turned out to pull mindless pranks. They were there to get James' mind off overtiring his Quidditch team the next day and himself from thinking too much about a certain girl… who he hadn't the nerve to sit down with and talk to for the past many many weeks.

It wasn't at all that funny – itching powders, multicolored robes, and spiders in bed – but it was keeping James busy. That was except maybe from the fact that James had been turning everything and everyone red… and sometimes green.

"Okay, what is that?" Sirius demanded as he whispered loudly. They were in one of the Slytherins' boys' dormitories and… "You just turned everybody's hair in that room red," he stated like it wasn't obvious enough, when the four of them finally got out and reached the corridors.

James shrugged. "It's funny," he said but his tone sounded like he didn't mean it the least. Then, he walked ahead up the hallway.

Sirius watched his friend march along, kind of disappointed with the way James was acting that night. They just did their first prank fest since Christmas break and they ended up with everyone's hair turned into red. Who in the world would find that funny?! "What? It's funny?" he blurted out the moment he shook himself out of his thoughts.

Remus chuckled as he stared at Sirius who was looking like he was on the verge of pulling out his hair. "It's the curse of having too much of the redhead in his mind lately," Remus whispered in Sirius' ear.

James turned around and looked at his friends like he knew that they were just talking about him. "Okay, I'm going to bed. I have Quidditch practice tomorrow," he declared before he continued walking up the hall away from them.

"No…" Sirius groaned. He scratched his head and ran after James who seemed to be paying no attention to him. "Where are you going? Do you know what's the plan?" he asked when he finally caught up with his friend.

"Uh… Pranks then sleep then Quidditch."

"No. It's pranks all night. Then sleep all day."

"It's Friday tomorrow. Oh, actually, that's today already. You can't sleep all day."

Okay… now Sirius was almost pulling his hair. Only, he was still awake enough to not even touch his precious crowning glory. "It's an expression!" he exclaimed, forgetting that he was supposed to be whispering.

"Who's there?!" It was Filch.

All of them suddenly turned to the direction of the voice. And then looked at each other.

"You needed to shout it out, didn't you?" Peter remarked sarcastically as he rolled his eyes at Sirius.

Sirius breathed out a sigh. "Well…" he trailed, not really knowing what to say for himself. "Yeah," was what he ended up saying.

After which, all of them turned to Remus who only looked back at them with a 'what are you looking at me for? I didn't do it' expression. Then, realizing that he was holding the Marauders' Map, he said, "Oh," and quickly browsed through the map for somewhere to hide.

"Hurry now," Peter whined as Remus turned the parchment upside down and pointed at the map.

Remus walked toward a statue on the wall while his friends followed him. Then, he knocked his wand on the wall behind the statue and a low secret door opened up that they had to bend down slightly in order not to hit their heads.

One by one, they entered the passageway, without much of a hurry. Peter went in first, then Remus. But when they heard Filch's footsteps just behind them, Sirius started to panic.

"Go. Go," Sirius commanded as he pushed all his friends into the passageway in such a hurry that James bumped his head on the low structure.

"Aw! Hey!" James groaned, with his hand on his head while looking at his best friend with wide eyes and a face that was saying, 'what was that for?' before he continued to creep into the door.

Sirius quickly closed the door after he got in.

"I know someone's here. Come out now," they all heard Filch's voice. Well, the four of them squeezed themselves by the door to listen to his footsteps on the other side, how could they not?

And when they finally heard Filch's steps fade, Sirius rubbed his hands together and turned to his friends. "Alright, now let's go."

"Yeah," James replied as he tapped the door again with his wand for it to open. "I have to get some sleep."

My my. The Black convincing power just wasn't quite enough that night.

* * * * *

Maybe Sirius wasn't triumphant in keeping James in the halls late at night but because of his nonstop yammering that night in their dormitory, he was able to keep his best friend awake until three in the morning.

As a result, James slept in until it after breakfast.

"You didn't wake me up!" James blurted out, as he suddenly sat up in his bed. He was in the process of slowly opening his eyes when the bright light of the sun swiftly traveled into his mind sending the message that he was late for something. Or, he wasn't able to do something.

Sirius flashed a wide grin across his face that seemed like he could probably rip out his mouth even wider. "Good morning, you grumpy man," he greeted James. He was carrying a plate of food he gathered from the Great Hall as he sat at the foot of James' bed.

"What time is it?" James asked, together with a yawn. He was about to get up in order to hurry to the Quidditch field. But when he looked around, everyone else in the room were not there anymore. And when he finally decided to focus on the person sitting by the foot of his bed… that person was already in uniform. And that only meant one thing. In conclusion, classes would be starting soon and he wouldn't have time to practice Quidditch. He leaned back on his bed and looked gloomily at Sirius.

"Why is it that you're the only one in the Gryffindor team who isn't glad to have that extra time of sleep? Because when I told them that you're probably going to sleep in until the earth starts to split in half, they were pretty happy. And by the way, in case you're wondering – in which case you are not – it was glowing red in the Great Hall this morning," Sirius uttered in a hundred words per second, as he extended the plate of food toward his friend.

James hesitated for a moment. He looked at Sirius suspiciously like there was poison in the food.

"I'm not gonna kill you. You… paranoid, you," Sirius muttered, grabbing a piece of food from the plate himself.

* * * * *

So, the point was Sirius was able to keep James off the field in the morning. He got a little kiss from a certain girl because of that, by the way.

However, he definitely couldn't do anything about James commanding the Gryffindor team into the field right after classes had finished. And unfortunately, James wasn't any better.

"You're too slow!" James yelled at Richard, one of the Chasers. "Even a snail can ride faster than you!" That was probably the most impatient he got that afternoon. Actually, it was already getting dark but it seemed like he wasn't quite aware of it. And added to that, blankets of clouds were forming in the sky, signaling the coming of rain.

Richard landed on the ground with a scowl on his face. "I'm doing the best I could, alright?!" he exclaimed, raising his voice just like James did.

"Well, it's not good enough!" James roared irately. "Okay, we'll do it one more time!" he declared just when the rain started dripping.

But, instead of getting the team's cooperation, the players started complaining. What was he thinking? It was starting to rain and they were going to be soaked. And he wanted them to still stay outside?

"We've been practicing all afternoon," Jessica spoke up, stepping forward to their team captain. "We're tired," she added as a matter of apparent fact.

James looked at her. No. No. She couldn't say that to him. "I'm the team captain," he uttered ever so proudly. "I'll say when it's finished," he said with much conclusion in his voice. After that, he expected everyone to follow him. But then again, someone always had to stand up with persistence.

"James, it's raining," Toni stated calmly, trying to reason out with him effectively.

"A match isn't cancelled because of rain."

"Everyone's tired."

"No," James snorted like what Toni just said was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard. "We'll go one more time," he insisted, as the rain was getting heavier by the minute.

"No, James. We're starting to soak," Toni uttered, looking at James with an expression of 'unbelievable' as she shook her head. Then, she turned around to her other teammates and said, "Alright, we'll practice again tomorrow."

And with that, everyone started to leave.

"Where are you going?" James demanded, talking to his teammates' backs.

"We're going back to the castle and we're going to get some rest," Toni replied.

What did she just say?

James marched forward and blocked Toni's way. "Who made you team captain? Just because you're dating my best friend doesn't mean you can overpower my authority here."

Toni stopped and looked at him like he just lost his mind. James wasn't like that. He was never like that. He never pushed too far. Heck, he never pushed anybody. Period. "James, this is crazy!" Toni had to yell because the rain was now pouring so heavily. "We both know why you've been so stern lately." No only both of them. All of them in the team knew why. And it was the most unreasonable reason to vent out his frustrations on them. "Look at you. You're not like this."

If it weren't raining hard, James would've turned away from Toni's gaze. But since he couldn't clearly see her amidst the downpour, he was able to keep a straight face and say, "I only want to win."

No. No. Toni shook her head. "No, James. That's not it," she said matter-of-factly. That definitely wasn't it. "James, it's been TWO MONTHS!" she was practically yelling so hard that maybe everything would be able to sink in his head.

At the said of that, James looked away. Maybe he was just waiting for someone to finally tell him that. Waiting for someone to tell him to wake up and do what he never wanted to do…

"Two months, James," Toni muttered, realizing that she just pulled some string in that recently-so-stubborn man standing before her. "Let it go." And she left him there.

Let it go.

It echoed in his mind over and over again.

He couldn't say anything more. He just watched Toni walk away as he stayed where he was standing. Suddenly, the rain on his face felt good on him. Felt good as cold rain ran down his face. Because with that, he couldn't feel the warm water starting to brush down his cheeks.

Let it go.

Let her go.

~*~*~*~

if i give up on you... i give up on me... -- the calling, "stigmatized"

Argh… it's been raining incessantly for the past four days. I don't like rain and school at the same time. Well, I don't like summer and school at the same time, either.

Anyway, I'd probably put up the next chapter this weekend. That's because it's a little short. I think. So, see ya!