ONCE AGAIN, I'M HERE…
Very hard chapter to write. Lily's gonna go through some sort of Karma. I hope you read it anyway. *Sigh* it's my second to the last chapter. I'll definitely miss getting reviews from you…
Okay, enough of that. About the question of possibly writing a sequel… hmmm… I'm definitely getting some ideas for that but I have to read HP5 first. And then, I'll probably need a month or less to finish the story before I can start uploading chapters again.
So… school will start possibly this coming week for everyone here and I'm sure the incessant traffic jam will come again – or worse. I don't like traffic and rain and school at the same time. They are the worst combination of all.
And just a little explanation about this chapter. Lily is going to be thinking a lot here. The italicized sentences are her thoughts. I hope you don't get confused.
Alright then, time to thank those who reviewed!
Alex'z Death Chic
SpiritedPhoenix
mutsumi: may poll na naman sa groups. Tsk tsk tsk.
angkat14: though I told you half of the chapter, hope you still read this.
Kitty
moozy: hi, pinay! I mentioned something about some sort of sequel earlier… but I'm still not too certain about it.
Alia
strwbrryspice: thanks for spending time to read my story. And well, I just thought Peter had to be close to them some time before…
Little House Girl
bumble-bee
Anarane Anwamane
Hermione101888
hinkypunk!: hope you received my mail. and I hope works better this time. ^_^
Merenwen Luinwel
someone: I hope you won't be hating Lily that much in this chapter. Yup, she's gonna pay.
LadyLily316: more of Lily's POV here. And basically, she will realize how 'stupid' she had been.
blackdragonofdeath13
Sara
Dimantrien: Oh, well, I never got to watch MG on TV anyways, so I guess I won't be missing a lot. I've spent my summer in an accounting firm doing my OJT and well, I've spent a week at home (the only time I actually got to watch it on TV) and then went back to school in the last week of May. So, I guess my only consolation is having a whole lot of Chinese classmates who are more than willing to share their knowledge and *ahem* resources. ^_^
And I just discovered some of those who put me in their favorite authors category. Thanks.
and if you ever fall in love again... you must be sure that the lady is a friend... and if you ever fall in love so true... you must be sure that she feels the same way too... -- east seventeen, "if you ever"
~*~*~*~
CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE: Letters
Like a flash of lightning, Lily hurried into the Gryffindor tower. She wanted to believe what she just heard. She knew it was real. All of it. Although, her head was dictating her that she needed something more than overhearing James and Madam Prenny's conversation before she would completely succumb to the indubitable fact.
What now? What am I going to do? She was thinking it over and over again as she let her feet take her to wherever they would lead her to. Everything else was a blur. She passed by classrooms and halls and even bumped into some of the students but her concentration was somewhere else.
I've been so stupid! she ended up thinking as she slapped her hand lightly on her forehead.
She stopped. She realized that she was already standing in the middle of the common room amidst all the students busily doing their own business. Some were playing wizard's chess; some were doing homework, while others were merely talking. She was so lost in thought that she couldn't even recall that she had given out the password to the lady in the portrait outside the common room.
For a while she just stared at the people around the room – unable to think of the next step she was supposed to do. She blinked to get out of her trance and then smiled at a group of first years that were waving at her. Then, she hurried toward the stairs leading to the girls' dormitories. But she slowed down halfway through.
No. Not there.
She turned around and ran upstairs to the boys' dormitories. Sirius!
* * * * *
"Whoa!" Sirius exclaimed as he grabbed his blanket to cover up his almost naked self. He just woke up from a very relaxing sleep and was in the middle of stretching when someone came barging in the door; while the only thing he was wearing were his boxers. He didn't mind, actually – until he realized that it was a girl standing in the middle of the room. "What are you doing here?"
"I need to ask you something," Lily replied in a tone mixed with panic and confusion, as she took steps forward toward Sirius, looking straight to his eyes.
"Okay. Stooooooop…" Sirius said, raising a hand signal for Lily to stop on her tracks. "Couldn't you at least wait till I'm clothed?" he muttered as he still struggled with his blanket.
Lily stopped walking. But she wasn't going anywhere until her questions were answered. "Well, I don't have time to wait," she answered, oblivious that Sirius was just a tad bit uncomfortable with her around while he was trying to get some clothes on him. "I don't know what to do anymore."
"Why? What happened?"
"Sirius, you're James' best friend, right?"
"Yeah…" Sirius replied, as he continually searched for a pair of pants, which only location could be the floor – somewhere in the room.
"So, you know him more than anyone else in this school?"
Before answering Lily's question, Sirius grabbed a pair of pants that he managed to dig up from the multitude of clothes laying on the floor. "Pretty much," he said with a nod. Actually, he didn't know where the conversation was leading to but by the mention of the name, James, he had a pretty good idea.
"Tell me, does he…" Lily trailed, thinking twice if the best person to go to about such a thing was James' best friend. Does he really love me? "Does he really feel about me the way he thinks he knows he feels about me?"
Sirius paused, stood up straight, and looked at Lily blankly. Clearly, both of them were confused on what in the world she just meant. "Uh…" he began, trying to decipher what she just said, as he was finally able to put on his pants. He opened his mouth to answer but apparently, he needed more time. "Are you… asking me about… how he feels about you?" he asked, instead.
Lily nodded and slowly said, "Yes." Actually, I meant does he really love me but—
"He loves you, Lily," Sirius replied with a slight chuckle and a shrug. "Everybody knows that."
Lily opened her mouth to speak but no sound came out. Her face looked like she was shocked… but how could she be? So, everything in the letters was true. "What do you mean… everybody knows that?"
Sirius smiled at Lily's expression. Then, he was finally able to let go of his blanket and grab a shirt from his trunk. "Why do you think James hasn't gone out with anyone? He didn't even go out for Valentine's," he began, glancing at Lily who suddenly had to sit down. "And why do you think guys pretty much only want to stay as friends with you?" He sat across her and looked at her in the eyes. "They just don't say it. But everybody knows James Potter loves Lily Evans."
"I have to go," Lily suddenly uttered, not taking another glance at Sirius. She just stood up and went for the door.
* * * * *
But everything's too late now. He wants to forget me. He doesn't even know how I feel and now he wants to forget me.
"Hey!"
Lily's thoughts were interrupted when Toni greeted her as she stepped into their dormitory. She looked up and smiled weakly. "Hey…" she replied, as she continued to walk into the room. She sat by the windowsill and slouched.
"Kiara and Vince just went ahead to Hogsmeade. Sirius and I are about to go."
"Yeah. He's just… about ready."
Toni paused and looked at Lily. There was a sudden change in her friend's mood compared to that when she saw her in the morning. "Hey, are you alright?" she asked in a comforting tone. She walked to Lily and sat beside her.
"I'm… fine," Lily answered and gave a weak smile.
Toni nodded. Yup, there was something going on. Then, she suddenly remembered about asking Lily to talk to a certain specific someone who just happened to be stuck in the Hospital Wing at that time. "So… how… you talked to—"
"No. He was kind of busy."
But that didn't explain why Lily looked like the end of the world was nearing.
Toni sighed and caught her friend's gaze. "You know, I can always ditch Sirius today. I mean, Remus and Peter can just rub his tummy and he'd be pretty much preoccupied," she said smiling widely, referring to Sirius' ability to turn into a dog.
Lily's eyes twinkled with laughter. "That's awful," she said quite frankly, scrunching up her nose.
"Yeah… But don't tell him I said that."
Lily snorted. "Don't worry I won't," she reassured. "But, I'm fine," she insisted.
But instead of leaving her friend to apparently mope by the window all day, Toni pulled Lily's hand and said, "Well, then, c'mon. Let's go," and then yanked Lily out of the room.
* * * * *
After so much hesitation, Lily finally gave in to Toni's plea and went with them to Hogsmeade. She wasn't really in the mood walking along the streets of a wizarding village – or anywhere for that matter. She was contented sitting in her room, thinking about… basically what she was still thinking even if she was supposed to be leisurely walking along Hogsmeade.
Great. Now, I'm even more confused than ever, she thought to herself as she slowed down. Now, she was walking behind Toni and Sirius. Until her surroundings just escaped her mind and she retreated back into her own thoughts. She was looking down on the ground so low, she didn't realize that she was already watching her feet seem to walk by themselves. I can't talk to him right now. He obviously doesn't want to talk to me, she concluded – or maybe, she convinced herself.
Just then, Remus and Peter came running from out of nowhere like little children at large in a playground. The sound of their incessant laughter meant one thing alone – somebody had just been a victim of a prank.
"Hey, Lily!" Remus called, when he saw her.
Lily looked up to see who it was. She saw Remus running to her while Peter was following just behind. Their expressions were so intriguing that even Toni and Sirius stopped and looked at them.
"We have something to show you," Peter joined in, when they reached her.
After which, Remus took her hand and Lily looked questioningly at them like they just lost their minds. And then turned to Toni and Sirius as if asking for some sort of saving act – especially at Sirius, with wide eyes like asking 'what did you do now?'
Sirius looked back at Lily and then to the two persons who just couldn't seem to wipe their wide smiles off their faces. "I have nothing to do with that," he said with a shrug. Well, true, since he was asleep until that time when Lily barged into their dormitory. But, then he wouldn't want to miss whatever happened, either. So, excitedly, he turned to Remus and Peter and asked, "But what have you got?"
"It's cute," Remus chuckled with sarcasm. "In a funny sort of way," he said and then pulled Lily to come with him.
And since even Toni decided to come with them, Lily let herself be towed along by Remus.
"What's going on?" Lily asked Remus when she saw a crowd of people forming around someone who was screaming in panic.
"You'll see," Remus replied. Then, still tugging Lily along with him, he squeezed into the crowd until they reached the middle.
With knitted brows, Lily looked at Narcissa, who was all frantic. She looked closely and saw a little canary bird standing on the bench next to Narcissa.
"You!" Narcissa shrieked when she saw Remus, Peter and Sirius come out of the crowd. "What have you done?!"
"Nothing really," Peter replied with a mocking expression on his face.
"Is that…?" Sirius began, realizing what the heck that canary bird was doing in the middle of the crowd. "Is that peroxide boy?" he chuckled, asking Narcissa if it was, who else, Malfoy.
Narcissa screamed with annoyance. "Change Lucius back right now!" she demanded, glaring at the three pranksters calmly standing before her.
Remus glanced at Lily and smiled mischievously. "What did you do?" Lily whispered to him, not being able to hide the smile on her face.
Then, from out of nowhere – actually, from the little canary bird standing on the bench, a voice tweaked. "Change me back you piece of low life!" the bird said, trying to sound menacing. But his fine-tune voice, which sounded like that of Tweety bird, wasn't exactly threatening.
The crowd laughed.
"Hey, look how cute you are," Sirius taunted Malfoy even more. "You almost look like you deserve to exist."
"You think you're funny, Black?" Malfoy squeaked again. And again, the thought of him sounding like one of the chipmunks escaped his mind as he flapped his wings and jumped closer to his three nemesis.
"No. But you are!" Sirius exclaimed joyously.
"Have you learned nothing from messing with me?"
The crowd laughed again. Then, Sirius and Remus sat on each side of the bench, with Malfoy in between them, while Peter stood next to Sirius.
"Yeah…" Sirius replied with a nod. His forehead was furrowed as if he was thinking what a point Malfoy just made. "And it caused you a lot of trouble, didn't it?" he said, smiling widely down at the bird.
"You're going to pay for this, Black!" Malfoy uttered again – this time with more arrogance. But, unfortunately, no matter how much arrogance he tried to squeeze into his tone, the pitch of his voice just wouldn't do.
"Yeah, I know, but whatever," Sirius replied in between sniggers. "But, actually, it's kudos to Remus and Peter for making you look like that." Then, he turned to Remus and asked, "Is that forever?"
"What?!" Narcissa suddenly exclaimed. "Change him back you morons!" she screamed, practically into Remus' ear.
But Remus just ignored her and looked at Sirius. He replied by pursing his lips into a pathetic frown appearing like he wasn't exactly sure.
Sirius laughed menacingly and turned back to Malfoy. "Too bad. I will miss you," he said, shaking his head in mock disappointment. "Now, admit it. You're an incomprehensible jerk," he uttered flatly, looking straight at Malfoy.
"You're the jerks!" Narcissa shrieked once again. "Change him back." This time, she was so irritated that she hit Remus on the shoulder.
But, all Remus did was say, "I'm afraid I don't have any counter curse."
"Tell your boyfriend to watch what he eats – especially when he knows that the food on the table wasn't what he ordered for," Peter joined in.
"Aargh….!" Malfoy exclaimed in anger. He would've narrowed his eyes at them but then, he wasn't even sure if he could do it with his newfound canary bird eyes. "When I change back, I'm going to get you!" he screamed, this time not caring if he was still sounding ridiculous. Well, then, a small head meant a small brain so… "I'm going to get you!" he screamed even louder and then…
Poof!
He realized he was human again when he heard his voice suddenly become lower. He stopped screaming and looked at the crowd. He was still standing on the bench with everyone looking up at him. And, in order to spare for himself some minute dignity, he quickly stepped down from the bench, straightened his clothes, and looked threateningly – because he already could – at Remus, Sirius, and Peter.
"You're back," Narcissa uttered with relief. She tried to show him some remote sign of affection but Malfoy just shrugged her off.
"Pitiful," Malfoy muttered, shaking his head as if in disappointment. "Such children," he said before he walked off, leaving Narcissa behind.
Narcissa followed him. And unfortunately, the crowd wasn't exactly moved by Malfoy's try on intimidating his three opponents. They were much more busy imagining him as a little canary bird.
After a short while, the crowd slowly diminished. Lily watched everyone go about their own business. She shook her head, not believing that Remus and Peter could do something like that without the help of Sirius or James. James. Darn it. I have to think of that again.
She sighed audibly and smiled when she turned around and saw that Remus was still sitting on the bench.
"Haven't seen you smile for quite some time," Remus began. He himself was still trying to stifle a laugh, remembering the chaos that just happened.
"Quite a show," Lily uttered, as she sat beside him. "I thought you didn't have the counter curse?"
"It's a new thing from Zonko's," Remus replied delightfully. "The effect fades by itself. And who better to try it with than everyone's favorite person," he added sarcastically.
Lily chuckled. "He sounded almost scared."
"I know," Remus nodded in agreement. "He's probably imagining how'd he spend the rest of his life as a squeaking canary bird."
They laughed for a while. Until they grew tired and decided to spend some time in silence.
Then, Remus heard Lily sigh deeply. "Is something bothering you?" he asked.
Lily glanced at Remus and smiled weakly. Then sighed again. Yes. "Nothing," she replied instead. "I'm just—" Am I the most stupid person ever to walk the face of the earth? "I went up to the Hospital Wing this morning… to talk to James and…" Am I going to ask him about the letters?
"What?" Remus asked, scratching his head. "Was he contemplating on his existence again?" he joked.
"C'mon…" Lily groaned to imply that she was being serious, as she lightly pushed Remus. How about my letter?
So, Remus shifted into a serious mode. "You talked to him?" Lily nodded. "Good. About time."
"No," Lily suddenly said. No.
"No?" Remus asked, getting confused. First she did. Now she didn't.
"I didn't. I kind of… didn't… I-I – he didn't even see me."
At the said of that, Remus leaned back and took a deep breath. He wasn't exactly sure of how the conversation was to go about so he went straight to the point. "Just talk to him, Lily."
Lily rolled her eyes. "And I'm sure you also tell him that," she said with a hint of sarcasm. Because if you did, then he might have talked to me right now.
"Yeah," Remus replied. Now, he leaned forward and looked back at her. "And he's constantly answering back that you're not exactly up to the idea of talking to him."
For a while, Lily stared at Remus, trying to register what he just said. "What?" was all she managed to say after seven long seconds. But he's the one who avoids me.
"And from the look on your face, now I understand. Both of you are thinking the same," Remus concluded. Only then he realized that James thought Lily wouldn't want to talk to him and that Lily was thinking the other way around.
"If he wanted to talk to me, he could've just done so."
"Yes," Remus replied with a nod. "But he thinks you're the one who doesn't want to speak to him. And so he doesn't. That's just how James has come to respect you."
My letter. "I have to go," Lily declared from out of nowhere, as she suddenly stood up from her seat.
Apparently Remus understood how she was too preoccupied to even digest what he had just told her. He didn't call her back anymore. He just let her go. And he knew, something was about to happen.
* * * * *
This is it. No backing out now.
Lily stepped slowly into the Hospital Wing. That was it. She took a deep breath. No backing out.
She went in carrying a pile of envelopes in her hand. It was all the letters James had sent her all through Christmas vacation. Still taking slow deep breaths, she nervously walked to the bed where James was sitting. She saw him eating something from a bowl – probably the soup that Madam Prenny made everyone eat whenever they were suffering from flu.
Her eyes never left him. But James wouldn't even look twice at her. He stopped trying to stomach the soup he was supposed to be eating and looked up to see who it was. Lily. But, all he gave her was a glance before he continued eating – or tried to pretend that he was eating.
"Uh, hi," Lily greeted. She stood by the foot of James' bed, feeling that she wasn't capable of getting too near him. It was the most uncomfortable feeling she could ever experience. She smiled weakly but then it faded just as sudden when she heard no answer. "Listen. Can I talk to you?" she tried again. Maybe if she actually said the reason why she was there, he would actually look at her. But still, no answer. "Look, I – I made a mistake," she started again. "And I realized something."
That was when James put down what he was eating and placed it on the table beside him.
Lily took this as a signal that he was listening. So, she went on. "I – I thought you were just trying to ignore me all this time because somehow, you're mad at me…" Can you just look at me, at least? "And when Sirius told me—"
"Sirius?" At last, a reaction. James suddenly looked up and straight at her when he heard the name. "What did he say?" he asked with a smirk on his face.
Now, I wish you just don't look at me, Lily thought as she suddenly looked away from James' gaze. "What… you had been telling me everyday…" she trailed, seeing that James' expression was completely blank. I don't need your indifference right now!
But that was how James was looking like. He tried to appear like he didn't care. He was tired of the charade they had been playing. Maybe, that was just the best time to start getting over her. Right then and there. "What would that be?" he uttered icily. "This is the first time we actually talked since you told me you hated me."
Lily swallowed. You really have a knack in hurting me, are you aware of that? "I cannot blame you if you don't want to see my face ever again," she said, instead. She came there to talk to him, to straight things out… and maybe, to confess… but then again, she felt that maybe she was too late. "I've been harsh and immensely stupid," she paused and although her stomach was all tied in knots, she looked at him straight in the eye. "And blind."
That definitely got James' attention.
"But just so you know," Lily muttered. Then, she put the bundle of letters, that she was clutching in her hand, on his bed and said, "These."
"What do you want me to do with that? You can always throw them away, you know."
"Yeah. But I didn't, did I?" Lily answered back. Now, maybe we can start to forget all about it. And to think I started to believe you. She wanted to yell at him. To tell him now he was the one who was being insensitive. For a moment they looked at each other with nothing to say. She was waiting for him to say something – anything. But he was too stubborn to even manage a grunt. "Maybe I just heard you wrong this morning." What?! Why did you say that? "Forget it," she abruptly said, when James looked at her suddenly with confusion. She was about to turn to leave when James spoke up.
"What's this?" James asked, referring to the letters. "You're just going to leave them here?"
"No, James," Lily answered back. Why did I ever come here for? "Maybe if you look close enough, you'd see." Then she left.
* * * * *
Lily ran hurriedly out of the Hospital Wing. She couldn't describe what she was feeling right then. Maybe that was how she made James feel during all those times when he constantly tried to reach her and she was just being such a shrew.
Her vision started to blur as she made her way down the hallways. Lily, you're such a loser. She was about to go towards the Gryffindor tower when she realized that her friends might be there. She didn't want to face them with her face all blotched with tears.
So, she went straight down the castle until the cold air of dusk brushed her cheeks. She realized she was already standing outside. She looked around and found a few students scattered around the grounds. No. I just want to be alone. Then, she remembered the lake.
She dragged her feet toward the lake. Maybe no one was there. No one was hardly there… except for Remus.
Remus looked up when he heard soft sounds of twigs, on the ground, breaking coming his way. Then, he recognized Lily beside the shadow that was starting to hover everything. He could see her frown, he could see her quivering lips, and he could see her eyes. "Are you okay?" he asked, trying not to sound like he suddenly pitied her. Because somehow, he knew that Lily didn't want to find him there. He budged aside to make room for her.
And Lily un-reluctantly sat beside him. "Tell me," she began with a sniff and followed with a hundred miles per second sentences – thinking and talking at the same time. Am I stupid? "Am I so foolish and idiotic—"
"Hey, slow down," Remus said, as he rested a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Don't – what happened?"
Am I just the most insensitive jerk on this planet? "Am I such an insensitive jerk?" She was such a wreck that her thoughts were automatically and directly translating themselves into her words.
"Lily, what's going on?" Remus looked at her and waited for a reply. Although his guts were telling him it had something to do with a certain someone named James Potter.
But Lily knew that Remus knew what happened. She didn't need to explain. She didn't want to describe everything. Because that would just make everything worse. That would make her feel worse. She just looked back at him like all hope had faded. And then, when tears started their uncontrollable run down her cheeks, she pulled closer to him and buried her face in his arms and cried.
And Remus stayed with her. They had been close for only a short while, but he had learned to be her friend and her brother at the same time. And it was also hurting him to see that things were falling into the worst places.
~*~*~*~
don't know how many times i said i'm gonna live without you... and maybe someone else is standing there beside you... but there's something, baby you need to know... that deep inside me, i feel like i'm dying... i have to see you... it's all that i'm asking... -- son by four, "purest of pain"
*Sighs* I don't know what to say… do you think Lily deserve that much?
Okay, review! Review!
