Even after Abby had showered and fed the baby, Luka was still asleep. She
smiled at the sight of his feet hanging over the edge. It was so sweet of
him to give up his bed for her and Adam, it's not like he could actually
fit the sofa, being so tall. Then she remembered how mean and accusing
she'd been the previous night. With the memories of the previous night came
the recollection of the Carter incident. She sighed heavily and went into
the kitchen to get some breakfast.
* * *
"Good morning," Luka greeted. "Did you sleep ok?" Abby looked up and smiled at him.
"Yes thanks," she replied. "Adam didn't even wake up in the night, which is the first time in ages." Adam sat on his play mat on the floor occasionally making surprised noises as he explored the different functions of this mat. Abby looked at Adam and smiled at him, but the smile didn't reach her eyes.
"Are you working today?" Luka asked.
"Yeah, just 8-11, though," Abby answered, she looked a bit ruffled at the mention of her work.
"Is Carter?"
"Yes." Abby replied immediately, as though this thought had been preying on her mind for a while now.
"Look, Abby, it's only 3 hours. If you're not ready to go in today, I could easily find someone to cover for you." Luka offered, although he expected determined Abby to decline. She looked at him and then back at Adam.
"Well, I guess someone needs to look after Adam," she admitted. There was always day-care, they both knew that. They also knew that Abby had no problem with leaving Adam at day-care, but this was just her excuse as Abby was Abby and she didn't want to appear weak. She looked up at Luka.
"Oh god, who am I kidding?" she sighed. "I'm scared Luka. I'm scared to see what state Carter is in. If he's worse, it would kill me."
"It's ok, Abby," Luka nodded. "I understand. I'll call the E.R. and say that you're ill, ok?"
"God, what would I do without you, Luka?" Abby toyed with the cornflakes that had been uneaten in her bowl since they were poured. She had crushed them with her spoon until now they were just a powdery mess. Then she realised what she'd been doing and put down the spoon.
"I'm sorry, Luka." Luka shrugged, picked up the bowl and poured the contents into the bin.
"No problem,"
"Thanks so much," Luka smiled at her, feeling slightly embarrassed.
"They're just cornflakes, Abby," he replied. Abby hugged him.
"You know what I mean," she muttered into his shirt.
* * *
Carter was in the doctor's lounge staring at a blank wall. Luka said nothing when he came in. Carter looked up.
"Have you seen Abby?" he asked.
"She's ill," Luka answered, instantly. Carter's eyes narrowed.
"How do you know?" Then he realised. "Oh Christ, she went to yours didn't she?" This was worse than he thought. Not only had he sent Abby and his son away, he sent them straight to Luka.
"Carter, you can't be angry at anyone but yourself," Luka warned him. "All she did was turn up on my doorstep in tears and I couldn't turn her and Adam away."
"What did you do to her?" Carter asked suspiciously. Abby and Luka spent the night together. That can't have been all, they had a history together.
"I did nothing, Carter. What did you do to her?" Luka replied.
"You have to let me see her." Carter demanded. "I need to see my wife and baby."
"Why?" Luka challenged. "Why? Because Abby has the pills?" Carter looked stunned. How could Luka have possibly known that's how he felt last night? How could he have guessed the secret feeling Carter was most ashamed of?
"I haven't taken one since yesterday. Anyway, I could have got tons more here, but I haven't," Carter told him.
"Well, how do I know you're not going to go back onto them and hurt Abby again?" Luka asked him. Carter shook his head; all that Luka was saying was true. It all made sense and he wanted to prove to Luka, to himself and Abby and everyone that he could give up again.
"I don't know how." He admitted.
"I used to look up to you," Luka shook his head at Carter. "You could make Abby so happy and you had each other. I used to wish I could be like you, but now." Carter sank his head in his hands. Why was Luka doing this? Why was he confiding in him? How could he trust him like this when he didn't even trust himself?
"Look, Carter," Luka began. "If you can spend all day in the medicine store cupboard and not take anything, then you can come with me when my shift is over and see Abby. Ok? I'll do a tox screen at the end, just to make sure." Carter nodded. It seemed fair. He'd do this. He'd show them. He'd do this for Abby.
* * *
"It's two o'clock. Your shift is over, you can come out now." Luka opened the door to the drug store cupboard. Carter was sat on the floor, his back pressed up hard against the wall. He stared hard at the rows of bottles and there were beads of sweat on his forehead. This was hard for him but he had to prove to Luka in one day, that he could see Abby again.
"What time does your shift end?" Carter asked.
"Five o'clock," Luka replied. Carter tore his eyes away from the pills that he had been intent on taunting himself with as a punishment he felt he deserved.
"I'll go when you go. Then you can take me to Abby. I can do three more hours." Carter told him, firmly. Luka smiled.
"I know you can." Luka answered. Carter looked back at the pills and then looked at something in his hand. He showed it to Luka. His wallet was open on a picture of him, Abby and Adam together in the park on a bright sunny day. It was the most perfect picture Luka had ever seen, the kind of thing he had always hoped for himself.
"It's keeping me going." Carter explained. "Knowing what I have to lose."
"You're a good guy, Carter." Luka told him, despite the fact that, a year ago, he would have never said that.
"No, I'm not." Carter looked back at the picture. "You deserve Abby more than me. You were there for her when I failed her."
"You could make Abby happy." Luka shook his head. "I couldn't ever do that. She looks the happiest I have ever seen her in the picture. Carter, you deserve Abby. You're meant to be together. If you're the guy I lost Abby to, then I don't mind. I really don't mind anymore." There was a short silence.
"And Adam?" Carter asked.
"Huh?"
"Is Adam ok? Please don't say I hurt any of them. I have no idea what I was doing."
"They're ok. Abby is just shaken but Adam is fine. He was playing on his play-mat this morning on my kitchen floor." Luka told him, with a smile. Carter smiled too at the image of his baby son in his mind, but he the expression also looked sad. He could have really hurt both of them, without knowing. He looked up at the shelves of drugs again. He needed to torture and tease himself more for it. He needed to pay himself back.
* * *
"Good morning," Luka greeted. "Did you sleep ok?" Abby looked up and smiled at him.
"Yes thanks," she replied. "Adam didn't even wake up in the night, which is the first time in ages." Adam sat on his play mat on the floor occasionally making surprised noises as he explored the different functions of this mat. Abby looked at Adam and smiled at him, but the smile didn't reach her eyes.
"Are you working today?" Luka asked.
"Yeah, just 8-11, though," Abby answered, she looked a bit ruffled at the mention of her work.
"Is Carter?"
"Yes." Abby replied immediately, as though this thought had been preying on her mind for a while now.
"Look, Abby, it's only 3 hours. If you're not ready to go in today, I could easily find someone to cover for you." Luka offered, although he expected determined Abby to decline. She looked at him and then back at Adam.
"Well, I guess someone needs to look after Adam," she admitted. There was always day-care, they both knew that. They also knew that Abby had no problem with leaving Adam at day-care, but this was just her excuse as Abby was Abby and she didn't want to appear weak. She looked up at Luka.
"Oh god, who am I kidding?" she sighed. "I'm scared Luka. I'm scared to see what state Carter is in. If he's worse, it would kill me."
"It's ok, Abby," Luka nodded. "I understand. I'll call the E.R. and say that you're ill, ok?"
"God, what would I do without you, Luka?" Abby toyed with the cornflakes that had been uneaten in her bowl since they were poured. She had crushed them with her spoon until now they were just a powdery mess. Then she realised what she'd been doing and put down the spoon.
"I'm sorry, Luka." Luka shrugged, picked up the bowl and poured the contents into the bin.
"No problem,"
"Thanks so much," Luka smiled at her, feeling slightly embarrassed.
"They're just cornflakes, Abby," he replied. Abby hugged him.
"You know what I mean," she muttered into his shirt.
* * *
Carter was in the doctor's lounge staring at a blank wall. Luka said nothing when he came in. Carter looked up.
"Have you seen Abby?" he asked.
"She's ill," Luka answered, instantly. Carter's eyes narrowed.
"How do you know?" Then he realised. "Oh Christ, she went to yours didn't she?" This was worse than he thought. Not only had he sent Abby and his son away, he sent them straight to Luka.
"Carter, you can't be angry at anyone but yourself," Luka warned him. "All she did was turn up on my doorstep in tears and I couldn't turn her and Adam away."
"What did you do to her?" Carter asked suspiciously. Abby and Luka spent the night together. That can't have been all, they had a history together.
"I did nothing, Carter. What did you do to her?" Luka replied.
"You have to let me see her." Carter demanded. "I need to see my wife and baby."
"Why?" Luka challenged. "Why? Because Abby has the pills?" Carter looked stunned. How could Luka have possibly known that's how he felt last night? How could he have guessed the secret feeling Carter was most ashamed of?
"I haven't taken one since yesterday. Anyway, I could have got tons more here, but I haven't," Carter told him.
"Well, how do I know you're not going to go back onto them and hurt Abby again?" Luka asked him. Carter shook his head; all that Luka was saying was true. It all made sense and he wanted to prove to Luka, to himself and Abby and everyone that he could give up again.
"I don't know how." He admitted.
"I used to look up to you," Luka shook his head at Carter. "You could make Abby so happy and you had each other. I used to wish I could be like you, but now." Carter sank his head in his hands. Why was Luka doing this? Why was he confiding in him? How could he trust him like this when he didn't even trust himself?
"Look, Carter," Luka began. "If you can spend all day in the medicine store cupboard and not take anything, then you can come with me when my shift is over and see Abby. Ok? I'll do a tox screen at the end, just to make sure." Carter nodded. It seemed fair. He'd do this. He'd show them. He'd do this for Abby.
* * *
"It's two o'clock. Your shift is over, you can come out now." Luka opened the door to the drug store cupboard. Carter was sat on the floor, his back pressed up hard against the wall. He stared hard at the rows of bottles and there were beads of sweat on his forehead. This was hard for him but he had to prove to Luka in one day, that he could see Abby again.
"What time does your shift end?" Carter asked.
"Five o'clock," Luka replied. Carter tore his eyes away from the pills that he had been intent on taunting himself with as a punishment he felt he deserved.
"I'll go when you go. Then you can take me to Abby. I can do three more hours." Carter told him, firmly. Luka smiled.
"I know you can." Luka answered. Carter looked back at the pills and then looked at something in his hand. He showed it to Luka. His wallet was open on a picture of him, Abby and Adam together in the park on a bright sunny day. It was the most perfect picture Luka had ever seen, the kind of thing he had always hoped for himself.
"It's keeping me going." Carter explained. "Knowing what I have to lose."
"You're a good guy, Carter." Luka told him, despite the fact that, a year ago, he would have never said that.
"No, I'm not." Carter looked back at the picture. "You deserve Abby more than me. You were there for her when I failed her."
"You could make Abby happy." Luka shook his head. "I couldn't ever do that. She looks the happiest I have ever seen her in the picture. Carter, you deserve Abby. You're meant to be together. If you're the guy I lost Abby to, then I don't mind. I really don't mind anymore." There was a short silence.
"And Adam?" Carter asked.
"Huh?"
"Is Adam ok? Please don't say I hurt any of them. I have no idea what I was doing."
"They're ok. Abby is just shaken but Adam is fine. He was playing on his play-mat this morning on my kitchen floor." Luka told him, with a smile. Carter smiled too at the image of his baby son in his mind, but he the expression also looked sad. He could have really hurt both of them, without knowing. He looked up at the shelves of drugs again. He needed to torture and tease himself more for it. He needed to pay himself back.
