Title: Silent Remembrances
Author: Enchanted
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy, Willow, or any of the characters mentioned
at all.
A/N: Wow. Um...all I can say is I'm sorry for forgetting I had been writing
this story. And...thank you guys for being patient?? Even though I think you guys
forgot about this story too...**shrug** Oh well. Enjoy!

~*~
It hurt! It hurt when it wasn't supposed to!

"Oh my God," I hear myself mutter, "why didn't it work?"

Anya looks truly concerned, something I didn't expect from her. "It didn't work, Willow," she says in light, easy-going tones, "because you loved him."

"Well, yes, I know I loved him, but why does that make a difference?" I spit out through my teeth. The pain was much worse this time. Like a hammer beating in on my heart. It was strong, it was physical, and I was afraid that if I pulled down my shirt, I would see a ring of bruises around my heart.

"Willow, it was a de-lusting spell. There are only two ways to use those," she sounds so calm, so rational. "It's used to stop lust and it's used to undo a love spell."

"So?"

"When you did a de-lusting spell to help you get over your love of Oz, the potion could find nothing wrong. You weren't lusting for him and there never was a spell said to make you two fall in love," she explains, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world.
I could see how this wouldn't work. I knew I should have read the fine print.

"So instead of removing the memories from your heart, the potion will start destroying it."

"Destroying what?" Xander cut in.

"Her heart," Anya states matter-of-factly.

"WHAT?!" Buffy, Xander, and me both shriek at the same time. I suppose to an onlooker, it might have sounded funny, but at the time, this was absolute horror.

"It will start manifesting itself in a physical manner upon your heart. It can't find anything wrong in the heart. So, it assumes that the heart is the problem itself. It'll destroy it."

"Um, there's something wrong there!" I shout loudly.

"What?"

"I SORT OF NEED MY HEART TO LIVE---ow!" I gasp in pain. Not caring anymore, I yank my flannel pajamas down and away from my breast. Xander blushes crimson and turns away, but Buffy and Anya look steadily at the small red dot underneath my skin that was slowly spreading. "Is there any way to stop it?"

"Kiss the person you love. It's like an antidote," Anya's face wrinkled up into a frown, "but that would be kinda hard, cause he isn't here to kiss, is he?"

"How long do I have?" I mutter, not bothering to answer her question.

"At least two weeks. Maybe more."

"Good." Ignoring the pain, I struggle to my feet and stumble to the closet.

"Will, what are you doing?" Buffy asks with a note of anxiety in her voice.

"I'm hunting him down. I'm packing clothes in a suitcase and taking money that'll last me a month, and I'm going to find him. If I'm not back after a month..." I gasp suddenly, the clothes dropping from my hands. The pain. God, the pain!

"Willow..."

"I have to. It's the only way I can live. I need to win him back, I need to tell him I love him..." I tried to explain as I stooped down to scoop up the clothes.

"Does anyone else here feel like panicking?" Xander asked, the dumbest thing I've ever heard him say yet.
What are you doing?
Panicking

"No," I answer. "I certainly do not feel like panicking. Not now."

Anya and Buffy exchange knowing glances. "We'll help you pack," Anya offers.

"And we'll come along," Buffy adds.

"NO!" I explode, "This is something I have to do alone, ok? Let me..." the pain cuts me off again.

"Ok, ok. We'll let you do it alone, don't worry." Her voice was meant to be soothing, but instead, it chills me to the bone.

"How are you going to find him?" Anya asks.

"And how are you going to drive? I mean, with the pain..."

"There's a ton of spells that can locate a person," I answer briefly.

"And there's a potion that I know of that can dull the pain and slow the effects of the de-lusting spell. I'll have to remember it..." Anya walks away, her forehead creased up as she tries to bring the words back up to the surface, leaving Buffy to help me pack. She does most of it, since all I can do is lean against the bed and gasp.

"Find him," she says as she glances at me, worry in her eyes.
"I will," I promise.

~*~

Willow threw the suitcase in the back of her Honda and faced her closest friends, her breath coming in short gasps.

Willow pivoted to face Anya. "Anya. Thank you. For being so understanding even when you kind of could care less."

"What do you mean?" Anya tilted her head to the side in a quizzical way.
"You're a demon, and well...never mind."

"Oh, but I do understand!" Anya chirped "You want Oz back so you can have wild monkey sex!"

"That's part of it..." Willow faltered as uncomfortable looks were exchanged.

Xander didn't say anything. Instead, he smiled down at her and embraced her tightly, as if he didn't want to let her go.

"Just bring Oz back. It's hard being the only man here."

Willow snorted. "You fit in well with the rest of the girls, Xander..."

"Hey!"

Unnoticed, Willow turned to Buffy, who still couldn't believe she was leaving.

"Buffy, I...just wanna thank you for...well, everything. If I hadn't met you...I'd still be this geeky girl who wouldn't know what her niche is in life."

Buffy raised her head and tried in vain to stop her eyes from watering. "Can't you just stay here and conjure him to you or something like that? Willow, it's dangerous heading out alone..."

"I'm a big girl now. Don't worry. I'll be back before you can say goodbye."

Buffy nodded, her face crumpling. "I understand. But I don't. It's not like you to be this unpredictable."

Ok, I like that. You're unpredictable.
Willow reached over and gave her a sisterly hug, squeezing her arm when they finally pulled apart. She, too, was in tears. Sniffing, she swept Buffy's hair out of her face and laid her hands on the girl's shoulders. Searching her eyes with her green ones, Willow smiled. "I'll always be watching your back. I love you."

Buffy nodded again, still crying. "Me too."

The others didn't notice as Willow stepped around to the driver's side of her Honda and slipped in until she started the engine and drove away over the hill. And then, they all stopped silent and waved, trying to put on happy faces for Willow's sake. Acting like they knew she would come back, maybe the next day, maybe the next week or so. But if she didn't find him...they might as well never see her again.

Xander could hear Anya whispering something under her breath.
"What?" he leaned in to hear her.

"It's a charm. A charm to grant her good luck in her quest."

Buffy spun to Anya. "Teach me the words," she begged, brushing away the tears that had gathered on her cheeks, just below her eyes. "I'm gonna say it every day and...it'll be like a little prayer."

It was the closest thing to praying that Buffy had ever done.

~*~

I'm tired. So tired. When was the last time I slept fully? No, now all that mattered was the pain. Mixing the potion and reciting the words would dull the pain for hours, and I would be driving down the street, thoroughly absorbed in the road when a dagger would suddenly twist in me and I would be swerving along the highway haphazardly, muttering expletives underneath my breath.

The first time it happened, I couldn't see because of the darkness that quickly plunged in upon my eyes. The car behind me braked suddenly, its screech an exclamation point in the night.

When I pulled into a parking lot and downed the potion shakily, I had to wait for a full half-hour, inhaling and exhaling, trying to banish the lingering pain. God, how it hurt.
I did a few locating spells with a compass. What confused me though, was how it would suddenly change directions mid-spell. As if Oz had that special power to be everywhere at once.

Finally, I had to bring out an old brown cloth from my suitcase, with the directions of the compass scrawled on it. I pulled out a long piece of string with a miniature silver arrow tied to it. Then, I muttered the spell underneath my breath, swinging the arrow counter-clockwise around the circle. I stopped when the arrow suddenly veered off the right. Right. That was to the...east. This would prove to be burdensome, I finally thought, if I had to stop every mile to find out where my Oz was. In a flash , my rare genius popped up. I could tie the string to my dashboard mirror and just swerve in the general direction of the arrow. Made sense.

I don't know how long it took or how many speeding tickets I managed to avoid by throwing a cloaking spell over my vehicle from the police, but one day the arrow changed direction from its never-ending indication to the east. It was minute, but I caught it, and I was glad that I was finally getting somewhere. I veered to the south, muttered a, "Please, please, please," and was gratified when the arrow continued pointing to the direction I was speeding towards.

One haphazard glance in the mirror verified what I thought I looked like: red hair in clumps and eyes with bags under them. I didn't even resemble the Willow I was a month ago.

All because of this. All because of a love that would threaten to destroy me if I didn't find the cure.
Isn't she cute when she's proud?
She's always cute...

Stop, I tell myself. Not while we're on the road. But my mind slips away again, and I cannot control my thoughts as I speed away into the night, into the direction of the moon, leering over the horizon at me like a great big lighthouse steering me to safety.

Wait for me, Oz, I think. Don't give up on me the way I did on you.

~*~