I ought to say this before I begin to ramble on and waste more space with
these before-chapter notices: To all of you who have been affected in any
way at all by this fic, I urge you to read 'The Tale Of One Bad Rat' by
Bryan Talbot (my, that's a lot of capitals...). It may help you to
understand some of the things I portray in this fic. Yes, it's about
someone - a girl - who has suffered from abuse at the hands of her father
and yes, it did help inspire this story. I loved it, and I'm sure that
you'll love it too.
To previous readers, not the last two who reviewed, I mean, Chapters 11 and 12 have been edited. I know I did warn you before that I'll take a little while uploading a new chapter, but even this is much later than I expected. After two days of planning - writer's block came in. So I knew what to write, just didn't know how.
Damn.
Ermmm... oh yeah, why did Dumbledore start abusing Severus? All I can say now is that it was *not* an extended moment of insanity. That's right, I still want you people guessing so that you people will still read my story *snorts* Mwahahahaha! You're my pawns! All of you!
Well... not really... just... some of the time.
*sinister cackle*
PS I don't care what you say, Remus has Belgian blood in him *cackles*.
~
Chapter 14: Toxicity (I'm a sucker for System of a Down)
Unlike the last time he had stayed at Hogwarts, Remus did not have to teach. It was lucky, then, because he overslept the next morning. Not even by a few hours. He didn't even wake up any time in the morning. It was late afternoon when he opened his eyes.
Because he had woken up so very late, Remus didn't even bother in hurrying up. He took a shower because it made him feel good; he took his time dressing because he rarely reflected on mornings when he ususally got dressed as it was (and now was a good excuse to contemplate on the orange sky); he lay on his bed, reading, because he barely got the chance to read and fictional works of literature these days.
He strolled down the staircases leisurely and took time to gaze at the paintings: he had never before had he been able to truly appreciate the talents of the artists.
**Next time, I ought to bring my sketchpad with me**
Walking down the stairs, it dawned on him that despite the fact that he had been at Hogwarts since October - and it was early April now - he hadn't gone to visit Hogsmeade at all.
**See? Something to do after all...**
Before he got to the Entrance Hall, he heard quick footsteps behind him. Turning slightly, he saw that it was Hermione.
"I haven't seen you all day!" She started, a bit out of breath. "What on earth happened to you?"
"I overslept," he explained charmingly.
Hermione almost laughed. "I take it you're going to Hogsmeade..." the werewolf nodded. "Oh, that's perfect... do you mind if I come with you?"
"Not at all," he dipped his head. "It'll prove for interesting conversation at any rate."
"I'm afraid I might disappoint you, there..." she chuckled, but pulled on her robe and smiled anyway.
They walked together down the pathway, past the lake and eventually, into Hogsmeade. Hermione was talking to Remus about a cousin of hers who was doing an Art and Psychology degree and who hoped to continued further in Art Therapy. Remus was genuinely interested, especially when Hermione began to talk about the period of time her cousin would be staying in a youth hostel/youth therapy unit.
"He always says," Hermione started as a small family noisily went passed them, "that it's a mistake to think you can understand the children or cure them as if it's a disease. What you have to do is find some common ground with them. Whether it's huge things like... oh, say you both came from equally disruptive homes, but maybe disruptive for different reasons... or... that feeling of inadequacy you get," she looked up at the sky as two magpies glided their way around. "Or feeling that you need someone.... anyone... whether it's to talk and listen... or just to be by you... that sort of common ground."
They paused for a bit after that. Remus simply let the words sink in, stored in some recess of his memory from which he could pick it up in an instant at any time of need.
"Oooh... I do need some Potions ingredients," Hermione said absently, though her voice was eager. Turning to Remus as if slightly surprised that he was there - which made the werewolf smile broadly - ahe added, "Do you have anything in particular you'd want to get here? You can accompany me if you like." The twinkle in her eye assured Remus that she wasn't flirting: he himself wasn't too sure if she knew that he was gay, although Harry did, so maybe he'd told her himself.
"Of course I'll accompany you," he said graciously.
And he did.
Hogsmeade, being a relatively small village - more of an over-sized hamlet than anything - had an apothecary that was especially selective and expensive, most likely because of the wizarding tourists. Despite the drawbacks, you found most of the rare plants and ingredients here, including the mostly illegal Dragon's drops, purified dragon's saliva. They would only sell these to you if you had a liscence from the Ministry or from Dumbledore: it was one of the advantages of being a Potions Master in Hogwarts, Remus mused to himself.
Another thing that set Hogsmeade's apothecary apart was that it sold seeds and roots; it was these that Hermione was most interested in getting.
It took him back to the days as a younger boy when his parents would take him to the Floating market and ask him to help them buy fresh produce. Although he was frankly absolute bull at Potions and especially when he tried to cook, he had a sensitive touch when it came to plants, especially roots and such of the like. He could tell that Hermione much appreciated his help as he contributed to her decision of what pygmy mandrake in root form she should buy.
It wasn't long before they had to return to Hogwarts: this time, they were joined by a multitude of students who were going back to the school.
He didn't see Harry or Ron.
"What's happened to Ron, may I ask?" Remus turned to her
She snorted. "The Beauxbatons exchange students left yesterday. Dumbledore said that a few of us could go down with them to the coast. Ron was one of them. He should be back in three or four days or so."
"What about Harry?"
"Tch. Quidditch practise."
**Of course**
Hogwarts was much warmer than the outside, although it wasn't exactly cold. Remus shuddred gently at the pleasure from the warmth, said goodby to Hermione and headed for the Great Hall to take his place at the staff table.
Neither Lira nor Sirius were present, but a number of the usual staff - some still looking rather bleary eyed - were seated. Sinistra was talking to Flitwick who would usually talk to Snape. Seeing this, Remus scanned the table swiftly for the Potions Master.
The man had both hands clasped, elbows propped up on the table, chin resting on balled up hands and shoulder length hair drawn over his face. He appeared to be in deep thought.
Knowing that he'd had an opportunity to dig beneath the surface - albeit he hadn't made very much of it, seeing as he had been absolutely pissed - made the man all the more attractive to him. It was the comforting knowledge that Snape was after all human; that his enigma could at least be partly uncovered... it all contributed to the werewolf's keener desire for him.
**Desire...?**
He didn't like to think of it like that, though in truth, desire held a part in the whole charade.
Snape rose his head slowly, staring at the empty wall, black eyes cold and shut off from the outside world as he contemplated whatever he was. He blinked and Remus coloured slightly when the man's gaze landed on him.
**Jesus**
They held eyes for a few moments - Snape's gaze was detatched, Remus' mildly enquiring - before Lupin looked back down at his food.
He noticed that his heart was beating at a quicker pace than was usual.
*
Roger had surprised Severus with his patience. He always told him that he understood; he had been just as hesitant if not more so, with his first serious partner. He had never forced Snape into doing anything that he didn't want to, unlike his experiences with Dumbledore of sex, something that remained connected with sex in Snape's mind ever since his second year.
He had been so gentle towards him: he had showed Severus a new way of getting control of himself. It was his relationship with Roger that prompted him to leave the Death Eaters in the first place: it was the death of the man he so loved that had left him only a little better than he had been before.
The funeral had taken place in November. November the eleventh, five days after Roger's death in a road accident.
As they lowered the coffin into the grave, browned leaves already fallen onto the coffin lid, and as dirt was piled in on top of it, Severus was sure that with his lovers body, a bit of him, too, was buried on that day.
Question was, would it ever arise?
*
They were both as bad as each other.
Continually, throughout the whole course of the meal, Remus could feel his attention drift towards Severus just as Snape's eyes seemed to constantly flicker in his direction.
Despite the complete mess that had been Harry's third year and Remus' most recent teaching experience, he remembered that, even then, he noticed how Snape would distance himself from the ordinary population of Hogwarts, staff and student alike. He was the quiet shadow at the dinner table, sneering at pupils passing through the corridors, seemingly bullying those 'weaker' than him. It made Remus begin to wonder: he seemed such a man of contrasts; usually, the man'd give no sign that much could annoy him, he barely gave any reaction, if not mild disdain. But when he *did* react, it was to such an extreme intensity that it was downright frightening.
**He needs companionship**
Remus carefully chewed his forkful of cheesecake.
**He needs to know that he shares some common ground with someone**
Smiling slightly to himself, Remus began to take up his strawberry cheesecake with more earnest than he'd started off with.
It wouldn't be such a bad thing, he concluded from his cheesecake meditation, if the Order of the Phoenix were to have an amiable meeting, not anything business like or to do much with the war, just a time when they could simply talk to each other.
He began to smile a his own folly: What were the possibilities that Snape would even bother to attend? He would have to find another way of talking to him.
*
"You always say that," Dumbledore murmured, blue eyes shining. "Come here, Severus..."
"I-I don't want to!"
Dumbledore wrapped his arms around the boy's waist.
"No! Please!...."
Severus knew that he'd have to go if one of the teachers told him that Dumbledore wanted to talk to him again. The last time he hadn't, Slytherin had lost quite a few valuable house points: one could imagine the reactory feelings of the Slytherins towards him. Bearing this in mind, maybe if he really struggled, Dumbledore would finally leave him alone.
Dumbledore began to touch him.
"Just stop it!"
"Hush, you always say that--"
"Yes, because..." Snape found his arms flailing, Dumbledore was being so persistent. "Because I don't want--"
"Nonsense!" Dumbledore tightened his grip. Snape felt tears come to his eyes. "Why else would you look at me, the way you do?"
"I don't--"
Dumbledore had succeeded - and this made the student freeze as always - in placing his hand down Severus' trousers.
"Shh... unh... come for me.."
"No! Get off me!"
"Hm... oh yess... unh... touch me *please*--"
"No--"
"Come on..."
"Get off--!"
"Yess..."
"I SAID GET OFF ME!" Severus had managed to trun round and scratch at Dumbledore's face. The man instantly jerked backwards, half stiff penis evident from the folds of his robes. "Get away from me!" He pulled up his robes as they were sliding off his shoulders: between them, they had succeeded in ripping a bit of the seams. "Stay away," he carried on, voice shaking. His scratches were a painfil looking red on Dumbledore's wrinkled skin. "I'm warning you..."
*
It hit Remus - and this only because he really began to think of it - that without Lira and Sirius, there weren't too many others he could talk to. McGonagall would always be Professor McGonagall, and Filius, being of the kindly nature he was, more often than not was talking to some of the other professors.
He thought for a bit more.
Deciding to wander off to the Astronomy Tower - classes wouldn't start for another two hours - he contemplated what tonight's sunset would be like.
Then he realised he was wondering what the *sunset* would be like.
**Good thing no one's around to read my mind**
And it took a huge amount of self-control to top himself from laughing at what he must have sounded like.
*&*
Hmmm.... This will not be updated - again - for a while. Much of the previous chapters have to be edited. Keep an eye out for any more fics, though.
To previous readers, not the last two who reviewed, I mean, Chapters 11 and 12 have been edited. I know I did warn you before that I'll take a little while uploading a new chapter, but even this is much later than I expected. After two days of planning - writer's block came in. So I knew what to write, just didn't know how.
Damn.
Ermmm... oh yeah, why did Dumbledore start abusing Severus? All I can say now is that it was *not* an extended moment of insanity. That's right, I still want you people guessing so that you people will still read my story *snorts* Mwahahahaha! You're my pawns! All of you!
Well... not really... just... some of the time.
*sinister cackle*
PS I don't care what you say, Remus has Belgian blood in him *cackles*.
~
Chapter 14: Toxicity (I'm a sucker for System of a Down)
Unlike the last time he had stayed at Hogwarts, Remus did not have to teach. It was lucky, then, because he overslept the next morning. Not even by a few hours. He didn't even wake up any time in the morning. It was late afternoon when he opened his eyes.
Because he had woken up so very late, Remus didn't even bother in hurrying up. He took a shower because it made him feel good; he took his time dressing because he rarely reflected on mornings when he ususally got dressed as it was (and now was a good excuse to contemplate on the orange sky); he lay on his bed, reading, because he barely got the chance to read and fictional works of literature these days.
He strolled down the staircases leisurely and took time to gaze at the paintings: he had never before had he been able to truly appreciate the talents of the artists.
**Next time, I ought to bring my sketchpad with me**
Walking down the stairs, it dawned on him that despite the fact that he had been at Hogwarts since October - and it was early April now - he hadn't gone to visit Hogsmeade at all.
**See? Something to do after all...**
Before he got to the Entrance Hall, he heard quick footsteps behind him. Turning slightly, he saw that it was Hermione.
"I haven't seen you all day!" She started, a bit out of breath. "What on earth happened to you?"
"I overslept," he explained charmingly.
Hermione almost laughed. "I take it you're going to Hogsmeade..." the werewolf nodded. "Oh, that's perfect... do you mind if I come with you?"
"Not at all," he dipped his head. "It'll prove for interesting conversation at any rate."
"I'm afraid I might disappoint you, there..." she chuckled, but pulled on her robe and smiled anyway.
They walked together down the pathway, past the lake and eventually, into Hogsmeade. Hermione was talking to Remus about a cousin of hers who was doing an Art and Psychology degree and who hoped to continued further in Art Therapy. Remus was genuinely interested, especially when Hermione began to talk about the period of time her cousin would be staying in a youth hostel/youth therapy unit.
"He always says," Hermione started as a small family noisily went passed them, "that it's a mistake to think you can understand the children or cure them as if it's a disease. What you have to do is find some common ground with them. Whether it's huge things like... oh, say you both came from equally disruptive homes, but maybe disruptive for different reasons... or... that feeling of inadequacy you get," she looked up at the sky as two magpies glided their way around. "Or feeling that you need someone.... anyone... whether it's to talk and listen... or just to be by you... that sort of common ground."
They paused for a bit after that. Remus simply let the words sink in, stored in some recess of his memory from which he could pick it up in an instant at any time of need.
"Oooh... I do need some Potions ingredients," Hermione said absently, though her voice was eager. Turning to Remus as if slightly surprised that he was there - which made the werewolf smile broadly - ahe added, "Do you have anything in particular you'd want to get here? You can accompany me if you like." The twinkle in her eye assured Remus that she wasn't flirting: he himself wasn't too sure if she knew that he was gay, although Harry did, so maybe he'd told her himself.
"Of course I'll accompany you," he said graciously.
And he did.
Hogsmeade, being a relatively small village - more of an over-sized hamlet than anything - had an apothecary that was especially selective and expensive, most likely because of the wizarding tourists. Despite the drawbacks, you found most of the rare plants and ingredients here, including the mostly illegal Dragon's drops, purified dragon's saliva. They would only sell these to you if you had a liscence from the Ministry or from Dumbledore: it was one of the advantages of being a Potions Master in Hogwarts, Remus mused to himself.
Another thing that set Hogsmeade's apothecary apart was that it sold seeds and roots; it was these that Hermione was most interested in getting.
It took him back to the days as a younger boy when his parents would take him to the Floating market and ask him to help them buy fresh produce. Although he was frankly absolute bull at Potions and especially when he tried to cook, he had a sensitive touch when it came to plants, especially roots and such of the like. He could tell that Hermione much appreciated his help as he contributed to her decision of what pygmy mandrake in root form she should buy.
It wasn't long before they had to return to Hogwarts: this time, they were joined by a multitude of students who were going back to the school.
He didn't see Harry or Ron.
"What's happened to Ron, may I ask?" Remus turned to her
She snorted. "The Beauxbatons exchange students left yesterday. Dumbledore said that a few of us could go down with them to the coast. Ron was one of them. He should be back in three or four days or so."
"What about Harry?"
"Tch. Quidditch practise."
**Of course**
Hogwarts was much warmer than the outside, although it wasn't exactly cold. Remus shuddred gently at the pleasure from the warmth, said goodby to Hermione and headed for the Great Hall to take his place at the staff table.
Neither Lira nor Sirius were present, but a number of the usual staff - some still looking rather bleary eyed - were seated. Sinistra was talking to Flitwick who would usually talk to Snape. Seeing this, Remus scanned the table swiftly for the Potions Master.
The man had both hands clasped, elbows propped up on the table, chin resting on balled up hands and shoulder length hair drawn over his face. He appeared to be in deep thought.
Knowing that he'd had an opportunity to dig beneath the surface - albeit he hadn't made very much of it, seeing as he had been absolutely pissed - made the man all the more attractive to him. It was the comforting knowledge that Snape was after all human; that his enigma could at least be partly uncovered... it all contributed to the werewolf's keener desire for him.
**Desire...?**
He didn't like to think of it like that, though in truth, desire held a part in the whole charade.
Snape rose his head slowly, staring at the empty wall, black eyes cold and shut off from the outside world as he contemplated whatever he was. He blinked and Remus coloured slightly when the man's gaze landed on him.
**Jesus**
They held eyes for a few moments - Snape's gaze was detatched, Remus' mildly enquiring - before Lupin looked back down at his food.
He noticed that his heart was beating at a quicker pace than was usual.
*
Roger had surprised Severus with his patience. He always told him that he understood; he had been just as hesitant if not more so, with his first serious partner. He had never forced Snape into doing anything that he didn't want to, unlike his experiences with Dumbledore of sex, something that remained connected with sex in Snape's mind ever since his second year.
He had been so gentle towards him: he had showed Severus a new way of getting control of himself. It was his relationship with Roger that prompted him to leave the Death Eaters in the first place: it was the death of the man he so loved that had left him only a little better than he had been before.
The funeral had taken place in November. November the eleventh, five days after Roger's death in a road accident.
As they lowered the coffin into the grave, browned leaves already fallen onto the coffin lid, and as dirt was piled in on top of it, Severus was sure that with his lovers body, a bit of him, too, was buried on that day.
Question was, would it ever arise?
*
They were both as bad as each other.
Continually, throughout the whole course of the meal, Remus could feel his attention drift towards Severus just as Snape's eyes seemed to constantly flicker in his direction.
Despite the complete mess that had been Harry's third year and Remus' most recent teaching experience, he remembered that, even then, he noticed how Snape would distance himself from the ordinary population of Hogwarts, staff and student alike. He was the quiet shadow at the dinner table, sneering at pupils passing through the corridors, seemingly bullying those 'weaker' than him. It made Remus begin to wonder: he seemed such a man of contrasts; usually, the man'd give no sign that much could annoy him, he barely gave any reaction, if not mild disdain. But when he *did* react, it was to such an extreme intensity that it was downright frightening.
**He needs companionship**
Remus carefully chewed his forkful of cheesecake.
**He needs to know that he shares some common ground with someone**
Smiling slightly to himself, Remus began to take up his strawberry cheesecake with more earnest than he'd started off with.
It wouldn't be such a bad thing, he concluded from his cheesecake meditation, if the Order of the Phoenix were to have an amiable meeting, not anything business like or to do much with the war, just a time when they could simply talk to each other.
He began to smile a his own folly: What were the possibilities that Snape would even bother to attend? He would have to find another way of talking to him.
*
"You always say that," Dumbledore murmured, blue eyes shining. "Come here, Severus..."
"I-I don't want to!"
Dumbledore wrapped his arms around the boy's waist.
"No! Please!...."
Severus knew that he'd have to go if one of the teachers told him that Dumbledore wanted to talk to him again. The last time he hadn't, Slytherin had lost quite a few valuable house points: one could imagine the reactory feelings of the Slytherins towards him. Bearing this in mind, maybe if he really struggled, Dumbledore would finally leave him alone.
Dumbledore began to touch him.
"Just stop it!"
"Hush, you always say that--"
"Yes, because..." Snape found his arms flailing, Dumbledore was being so persistent. "Because I don't want--"
"Nonsense!" Dumbledore tightened his grip. Snape felt tears come to his eyes. "Why else would you look at me, the way you do?"
"I don't--"
Dumbledore had succeeded - and this made the student freeze as always - in placing his hand down Severus' trousers.
"Shh... unh... come for me.."
"No! Get off me!"
"Hm... oh yess... unh... touch me *please*--"
"No--"
"Come on..."
"Get off--!"
"Yess..."
"I SAID GET OFF ME!" Severus had managed to trun round and scratch at Dumbledore's face. The man instantly jerked backwards, half stiff penis evident from the folds of his robes. "Get away from me!" He pulled up his robes as they were sliding off his shoulders: between them, they had succeeded in ripping a bit of the seams. "Stay away," he carried on, voice shaking. His scratches were a painfil looking red on Dumbledore's wrinkled skin. "I'm warning you..."
*
It hit Remus - and this only because he really began to think of it - that without Lira and Sirius, there weren't too many others he could talk to. McGonagall would always be Professor McGonagall, and Filius, being of the kindly nature he was, more often than not was talking to some of the other professors.
He thought for a bit more.
Deciding to wander off to the Astronomy Tower - classes wouldn't start for another two hours - he contemplated what tonight's sunset would be like.
Then he realised he was wondering what the *sunset* would be like.
**Good thing no one's around to read my mind**
And it took a huge amount of self-control to top himself from laughing at what he must have sounded like.
*&*
Hmmm.... This will not be updated - again - for a while. Much of the previous chapters have to be edited. Keep an eye out for any more fics, though.
