A Jewish Snape... I've done three fics so far - including this one - with
him being Jewish... I am writing another - 'A True Romance' - with him as
Portugese. I think I like Jewish Snape best. Probably because I love the
culture so much. When I was young, I used to be really depressed because my
mother wasn't Jewish which meant that I couldn't be. So I tried to stock up
on Jewish culture... but that didn't work because I only got the *really*
old bits of Hebrew... not *Hebrew* as such, either... just one of the many
ancient ancient languages they would have spoken... I know how to say
'little sister'... 'Ahatti'...
Sorry, I'm rambling again.
Christ, was the last chapter long. I'm amazed at it's length, the longest one I've ever put up so far. Doubt any of us will ever see the like of it again.
Aaaaaaaaaaaand, can you believe it! I've gotten past the CENTURY mark! 106 reviews! No.. wait... 109! Dammit, no... 112.. oh forget it... (lol) Thank you all! It really does mean so much to me!
So, therefore, I will dedicate this chapter which is going to be VERY special, to the following:
Arafel,
Lunatic,
zippy zany,
dovielr,
madee,
@_@,
Piri Lupin-Snape,
Kouryou Sanomi,
frizzy,
Snape coolgirl,
Vulcaine 7,
Yuta - who doesn't really review as much, but reads and checks up on me every week *sniffs* -
and, of course, to Ivory Tower.
To all you others, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! I know I'm sounding all Oscar winner-ish, but, it really is much appreciated.
Another point to make. Rat doesn't actually talk as in, opens his mouth and out come words. It's more of a mental thing. Seriously, I've seen people who talk to their pets this way and they are NOT crazy *breathes* and their pets seem far more intelligent than your standard animal. I've tried it with cats, too. But not with rats. Funnily enough, I've never actually seen a rat. Dammit.
Saw a dead one, though, on the road. *Huge* I think it was a sewer rat. But Rat is your average lab rat. Rather small.
Ok... *deep breath*
*
Chapter 18: The Fasting
It wasn't the fact that he had kissed Snape, that made him miserable. That would have been just plain ridiculous. Neither was it the fact that Snape had pushed him away. He wasn't really that sort of person.
What made him miserable was that now he could quite literally sense the wall that Snape had now built up around himself.
And he had been the cause for it.
No amount of glances could even begin to tear it down: Snape wasn't even paying any attention to the outside world. Remus noticed, however, that if really pressed, he would snap back aggressively. It saddened him to think that he had only made matters worse.
**What was it they say? Things get worse before they get better?**
For most of the day, Remus had journeyed out to London with a relatively cheerful Lira, shopping for various articles of clothing for her and unisex basics for the coming baby (she had somehow managed to get him to let her buy a few bits and pieces for him as well).
They ended up having lunch at Starbucks, that is, if you could call several slices of cheesecake, three muffins and two glasses of Frappacino, lunch.
As they returned to Hogwarts, neither spoke much, but words weren't necessary: their silence spoke measures to each other. Remus knew just how worried Lira was and how the beginnings of depression were filtering their way through (a state not good for any pregnant woman) and Lira knew that something - although, what, she wasn't sure of - was bothering her husband's best-friend.
"Sirius is getting really worried over you," she said at one point, voice gentle.
"I know," he replied. "And I'm sorry... but things are getting a little... tense for me right now."
"What things?" She asked.
He shook his head. "It doesn't matter."
"Yes it does. I swear, I won't tell Sirius if that's what you're worried about," her eyes were filled with a sudden, desparate glint. "Really, I won't. But it matters to me because you're his best friend... you're the only one he's got left, and I need to reassure him somewhat..."
"It's nothing to do with him--"
"Yes?"
Remus was silent. "I'm just... worried about someone."
Lira leaned back in her seat. "Ah... well, I certainly won't betray your trust, in that case. You don't have to tell me."
"Actually," Remus started again, eyes grim. "It might do well if I did."
She looked at him, but he didn't notice it.
A strange, thoughtful silence came up again. Lira was looking at the man with a darkly wondering look, the sort she wore when exceedingly curious but trying to conceal it.
"It's Severus." Lira raised an eyebrow. "No," he added quickly. "No, not like that. You'll have to believe me when I say that it was completely unintentional. Just a random one-night stand... we were both incredibly drunk, I'm sure you'll be able to recall."
"Yes," she began to smile.
"Ever since then ... we've developed a... a friendship of sorts..."
"Oh?"
"Hmmm..." he paused for a bit before shrugging slightly. "But recently..."
Lira gave him another speculative look. "Are you attracted to him at all?"
He looked up at her sharply, and it was her turn to shrug. "I was just wondering. Sirius told me that you were gay. At first, he even thought that someone had broken your heart or something." Here, Remus couldn't help but chuckle. "Oh, don't laugh. He's worried for you, that's all."
"I know, it's just... I can't... quite picture Sirius saying something like that."
Lira grinned. "I know. I sat there laughing for a good ten minutes myself when he first said it."
"Hypocrite."
"Yes, well..." She sighed. "So are you attracted to him? He does seem like the sort you'd be interested in."
"Why, what sort do you think I'm into?"
Lira shrugged again. "Someone quiet, mildly sarcastic... doesn't butt into things and isn't impulsive. Someone in control."
Remembering the Shrieking Shack incident, Remus snorted. "I'd hardly say that he's in control."
"Well.... has the appearance of being in control, then." She fiddled with her wedding ring.
After some time, he said, "Yes... I think I am attracted to him."
"You *think*?"
He gave a seemingly irritable sigh. "Fine. I *am* attracted to him."
She grinned wearily. "That's better." She gave a cough, then went on, "So, what did he do?"
"It's more like what did *I* do," he sighed again and leaned back against the padded back of his seat. "I kissed him."
"Oh?"
"And he didn't seem to like it."
"Imagine that." He gave her a sharp look and she in return gave an apologetic one. "Sorry, I didn't mean to be so harsh. Why don't you think he liked it?"
"He pushed me away." Lira was silent. "It wasn't just that, either. He always seemed to distance himself whenever he felt we were getting too close. McGonagall says that he does that to everyone these days. I doubt he's ever done it to you, though."
"No," she admitted. "But he I've noticed that he *is* quiet and he separates himself from everybody."
There was another long pause.
"Is he gay?" She asked, finally.
"I'm not really sure... I think so..."
"How can you be sure, then?"
He shrugged. "There was something that happened between us in school. Me, Sirius and James, Peter and him. The usual swapping of insults."
"Ah." She stopped. Lira had a very quick mind. "But his reaction could have been the same as Sirius' if anyone ever called *him* gay."
"I doubt," Lupin said. "Someone did, once, but he just laughed it off and twisted the insult around back to the poor kid who'd given it to him."
"I see."
"And someone like Snape... if he were straight, he would have sorted that out after the one-night stand, wouldn't he?"
"I suppose..."
"Lira..."
"Hey! I wouldn't know!"
They got out of the carriage and walked down the pathway.
Remus had barely noticed that they had walked through the entrance hall and were now progressing up the stairs. Lira was leaning gently against the banister as she made her way up the long staircases. At several occasions, Lupin would lean over to help support her. The bulge on her stomach was now particularly noticeable. "Maybe he's just worried."
"Of what?"
"He might think that you'd be taking advantage of him... I mean, you were hardly the best of friends in school, now, where you?"
That had never truly occurred to Remus. He had thought they had managed to jump over that particular little barrier.
"So if you're really so worried about him," Lira was continuing, "don't stop reaching out for him. By doing so, you'd be proving the point that you're not really interested in having him as a friend, if not a serious, maybe long-term lover, but just in the sex." She yawned. "You can hardly blame him, though."
"I guess," Remus answered.
She gave a sympathetic smile and kissed his cheek. "Now then, my good fellow, you must take me to that library of yours. I'm looking for a few books on Phoenixes."
**Phoenixes?**
~
Lira had banned all but Snape from hers and Sirius' chambers when her husband had returned, apparently shaken and drained, but most definitely alive. Taking the initiative, Remus waited outside their rooms, waiting for an opportunity to speak to Snape. He had to wait for almost an hour before a tried looking Potions Master came out of the room.
"Severus," he got hold of the man's arm in a gentle grip. "Severus, we need to talk."
Snape gave Lupin's hand a fathomless gaze, then looked up into Remus' eyes. Snape's own, however, narrowed slightly.
"What do you want?" Despite the fact that his hold was gentle - yet firm - Lupin noted that the muscles in Snape's arm had tensed.
"I told you; I want to talk to you."
He let go of Snape's arm. "Could we go into the dungeons, please? We might actually be able to do something worthwhile as we have our little conversation."
Snape gave the smallest of nods and accompanied the werewolf down to the dungeons. When they got there, rather than turn and walk into one of the larger dungeons, where students would be taught and most of the equipment would be held, Snape went into a much smaller one. Inside it were two long benches on raised platforms, facing a large blackboard.
"I've never been here before," Remus remarked slowly.
"Understandably." Snape closed the door behind them. "Now, what is it that you want?"
"About last night."
Snape didn't respond.
"I know it was most definitely rather stupid of me. I hadn't actually meant for it to happen... I... I was wondering if we could - if you wanted to, I mean - go back to... well... the friendship... of sorts."
Still, the other man was looking at the floor, arms crossed, apparently deep in thought.
"I just wanted to make sure that you knew that you could trust me."
Snape sighed. "I suppose I do. In a way."
"Oh?"
"Hm..."
"The way you reacted when I... when I kissed you..." Snape was about to say something but Remus ploughed on, "And the way you act whenever I'm near you... as if I've got some sort of disease... it's as if you just don't like being--" he drifted off and sensed his gaze avert as Snape looked up at him, a small frown on his face.
"Lupin," Snape took a deep breath. "It's nothing to do with you," he said quietly. "I just..."
"What?"
The Potions Master screwed his eyes shut and his grip on his own arms tightened. "I just... don't like to be touched... You've been, *nice* I suppose, in your way, but, I just don't feel comfortable--"
That empty, haunted look came up again in his eyes. An idea suddenly went through the werewolf's mind.
Whilst Snape was in his daze, Remus went closer to him, and clasped Snape's hands in his. "Severus," he whispered. When the Potions Master jerked back to life, he began to stiffen in the shoulders. "Severus, I'm not going to hurt you..." Gingerly, Remus prised the crossed arms away and brought his cheek closer to Snapes. He realised that maybe this wasn't the best way to get through to Snape, but he'd already gone much too far and his heart was pumping on at full speed, or so it seemed. The adrenaline rushing through his veins prompted a swifter course of action.
He took his cheek away, and they shared a stare. Grey into Black. Resisting a smile, Remus noted with a feeling of triumph, that Snape's resolve was slowly - oh, so slowly, but surely - falling away. He lowered his gaze to the floor and Remus laid his lips upon Snape's brow, bringing them together and slowly kneading the skin between them.
When Snape stiffened again, Lupin massaged his arms with small circles with his thumbs. "Ssshh..." he said. "I promise that I won't hurt you."
At this, Snape raised his head, only to be met with a swift kiss. As Lupin sensed that he would, he tried to resist at first, but when the werewolf finally dared to let his tongue glide into Snape's mouth, the Potions Master gradually let himself fall into Remus' embrace.
He drew himself away and gave Snape an appraising look. "That wasn't too bad, now, was it?"
Snape had his eyes closed. "No further..." he murmured.
"Why not?" Lupin gestured as if to pull Snape closer, but Snape pushed away.
"Y-you wouldn't ... you wouldn't like it... if not now, then sometime later on. Believe me. People like you don't get involved with people like me..."
What was he going on about?
"I don't know what you mean, Severus..."
Snape looked at him incredulously.
"Really, I don't." Remus gave him a surprisingly shy glance. "You'll still let me kiss you, though, won't you?"
"Tch."
"What?"
There was a slight smile on Severus' lips. "Go away, Lupin. Leave me be, for once."
Eyes still on Snape, Remus walked to the door. When his hand was on the doorknob, he turned round to ask, "And how is Sirius, may I ask?"
"Yes and he's fine. Just very tired, but he'll live."
Before Snape could raise any objections, Lupin kissed him thoroughly on the lips. "Night, Severus," he whispered against the man's neck.
Snape hesitated then, much to Lupin's surprise, he gave him a small kiss on his neck. "Good-night, Lupin."
*
There you go. Everything seems to happening rather quickly, doesn't it? (lol) ; )
Sorry, I'm rambling again.
Christ, was the last chapter long. I'm amazed at it's length, the longest one I've ever put up so far. Doubt any of us will ever see the like of it again.
Aaaaaaaaaaaand, can you believe it! I've gotten past the CENTURY mark! 106 reviews! No.. wait... 109! Dammit, no... 112.. oh forget it... (lol) Thank you all! It really does mean so much to me!
So, therefore, I will dedicate this chapter which is going to be VERY special, to the following:
Arafel,
Lunatic,
zippy zany,
dovielr,
madee,
@_@,
Piri Lupin-Snape,
Kouryou Sanomi,
frizzy,
Snape coolgirl,
Vulcaine 7,
Yuta - who doesn't really review as much, but reads and checks up on me every week *sniffs* -
and, of course, to Ivory Tower.
To all you others, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! I know I'm sounding all Oscar winner-ish, but, it really is much appreciated.
Another point to make. Rat doesn't actually talk as in, opens his mouth and out come words. It's more of a mental thing. Seriously, I've seen people who talk to their pets this way and they are NOT crazy *breathes* and their pets seem far more intelligent than your standard animal. I've tried it with cats, too. But not with rats. Funnily enough, I've never actually seen a rat. Dammit.
Saw a dead one, though, on the road. *Huge* I think it was a sewer rat. But Rat is your average lab rat. Rather small.
Ok... *deep breath*
*
Chapter 18: The Fasting
It wasn't the fact that he had kissed Snape, that made him miserable. That would have been just plain ridiculous. Neither was it the fact that Snape had pushed him away. He wasn't really that sort of person.
What made him miserable was that now he could quite literally sense the wall that Snape had now built up around himself.
And he had been the cause for it.
No amount of glances could even begin to tear it down: Snape wasn't even paying any attention to the outside world. Remus noticed, however, that if really pressed, he would snap back aggressively. It saddened him to think that he had only made matters worse.
**What was it they say? Things get worse before they get better?**
For most of the day, Remus had journeyed out to London with a relatively cheerful Lira, shopping for various articles of clothing for her and unisex basics for the coming baby (she had somehow managed to get him to let her buy a few bits and pieces for him as well).
They ended up having lunch at Starbucks, that is, if you could call several slices of cheesecake, three muffins and two glasses of Frappacino, lunch.
As they returned to Hogwarts, neither spoke much, but words weren't necessary: their silence spoke measures to each other. Remus knew just how worried Lira was and how the beginnings of depression were filtering their way through (a state not good for any pregnant woman) and Lira knew that something - although, what, she wasn't sure of - was bothering her husband's best-friend.
"Sirius is getting really worried over you," she said at one point, voice gentle.
"I know," he replied. "And I'm sorry... but things are getting a little... tense for me right now."
"What things?" She asked.
He shook his head. "It doesn't matter."
"Yes it does. I swear, I won't tell Sirius if that's what you're worried about," her eyes were filled with a sudden, desparate glint. "Really, I won't. But it matters to me because you're his best friend... you're the only one he's got left, and I need to reassure him somewhat..."
"It's nothing to do with him--"
"Yes?"
Remus was silent. "I'm just... worried about someone."
Lira leaned back in her seat. "Ah... well, I certainly won't betray your trust, in that case. You don't have to tell me."
"Actually," Remus started again, eyes grim. "It might do well if I did."
She looked at him, but he didn't notice it.
A strange, thoughtful silence came up again. Lira was looking at the man with a darkly wondering look, the sort she wore when exceedingly curious but trying to conceal it.
"It's Severus." Lira raised an eyebrow. "No," he added quickly. "No, not like that. You'll have to believe me when I say that it was completely unintentional. Just a random one-night stand... we were both incredibly drunk, I'm sure you'll be able to recall."
"Yes," she began to smile.
"Ever since then ... we've developed a... a friendship of sorts..."
"Oh?"
"Hmmm..." he paused for a bit before shrugging slightly. "But recently..."
Lira gave him another speculative look. "Are you attracted to him at all?"
He looked up at her sharply, and it was her turn to shrug. "I was just wondering. Sirius told me that you were gay. At first, he even thought that someone had broken your heart or something." Here, Remus couldn't help but chuckle. "Oh, don't laugh. He's worried for you, that's all."
"I know, it's just... I can't... quite picture Sirius saying something like that."
Lira grinned. "I know. I sat there laughing for a good ten minutes myself when he first said it."
"Hypocrite."
"Yes, well..." She sighed. "So are you attracted to him? He does seem like the sort you'd be interested in."
"Why, what sort do you think I'm into?"
Lira shrugged again. "Someone quiet, mildly sarcastic... doesn't butt into things and isn't impulsive. Someone in control."
Remembering the Shrieking Shack incident, Remus snorted. "I'd hardly say that he's in control."
"Well.... has the appearance of being in control, then." She fiddled with her wedding ring.
After some time, he said, "Yes... I think I am attracted to him."
"You *think*?"
He gave a seemingly irritable sigh. "Fine. I *am* attracted to him."
She grinned wearily. "That's better." She gave a cough, then went on, "So, what did he do?"
"It's more like what did *I* do," he sighed again and leaned back against the padded back of his seat. "I kissed him."
"Oh?"
"And he didn't seem to like it."
"Imagine that." He gave her a sharp look and she in return gave an apologetic one. "Sorry, I didn't mean to be so harsh. Why don't you think he liked it?"
"He pushed me away." Lira was silent. "It wasn't just that, either. He always seemed to distance himself whenever he felt we were getting too close. McGonagall says that he does that to everyone these days. I doubt he's ever done it to you, though."
"No," she admitted. "But he I've noticed that he *is* quiet and he separates himself from everybody."
There was another long pause.
"Is he gay?" She asked, finally.
"I'm not really sure... I think so..."
"How can you be sure, then?"
He shrugged. "There was something that happened between us in school. Me, Sirius and James, Peter and him. The usual swapping of insults."
"Ah." She stopped. Lira had a very quick mind. "But his reaction could have been the same as Sirius' if anyone ever called *him* gay."
"I doubt," Lupin said. "Someone did, once, but he just laughed it off and twisted the insult around back to the poor kid who'd given it to him."
"I see."
"And someone like Snape... if he were straight, he would have sorted that out after the one-night stand, wouldn't he?"
"I suppose..."
"Lira..."
"Hey! I wouldn't know!"
They got out of the carriage and walked down the pathway.
Remus had barely noticed that they had walked through the entrance hall and were now progressing up the stairs. Lira was leaning gently against the banister as she made her way up the long staircases. At several occasions, Lupin would lean over to help support her. The bulge on her stomach was now particularly noticeable. "Maybe he's just worried."
"Of what?"
"He might think that you'd be taking advantage of him... I mean, you were hardly the best of friends in school, now, where you?"
That had never truly occurred to Remus. He had thought they had managed to jump over that particular little barrier.
"So if you're really so worried about him," Lira was continuing, "don't stop reaching out for him. By doing so, you'd be proving the point that you're not really interested in having him as a friend, if not a serious, maybe long-term lover, but just in the sex." She yawned. "You can hardly blame him, though."
"I guess," Remus answered.
She gave a sympathetic smile and kissed his cheek. "Now then, my good fellow, you must take me to that library of yours. I'm looking for a few books on Phoenixes."
**Phoenixes?**
~
Lira had banned all but Snape from hers and Sirius' chambers when her husband had returned, apparently shaken and drained, but most definitely alive. Taking the initiative, Remus waited outside their rooms, waiting for an opportunity to speak to Snape. He had to wait for almost an hour before a tried looking Potions Master came out of the room.
"Severus," he got hold of the man's arm in a gentle grip. "Severus, we need to talk."
Snape gave Lupin's hand a fathomless gaze, then looked up into Remus' eyes. Snape's own, however, narrowed slightly.
"What do you want?" Despite the fact that his hold was gentle - yet firm - Lupin noted that the muscles in Snape's arm had tensed.
"I told you; I want to talk to you."
He let go of Snape's arm. "Could we go into the dungeons, please? We might actually be able to do something worthwhile as we have our little conversation."
Snape gave the smallest of nods and accompanied the werewolf down to the dungeons. When they got there, rather than turn and walk into one of the larger dungeons, where students would be taught and most of the equipment would be held, Snape went into a much smaller one. Inside it were two long benches on raised platforms, facing a large blackboard.
"I've never been here before," Remus remarked slowly.
"Understandably." Snape closed the door behind them. "Now, what is it that you want?"
"About last night."
Snape didn't respond.
"I know it was most definitely rather stupid of me. I hadn't actually meant for it to happen... I... I was wondering if we could - if you wanted to, I mean - go back to... well... the friendship... of sorts."
Still, the other man was looking at the floor, arms crossed, apparently deep in thought.
"I just wanted to make sure that you knew that you could trust me."
Snape sighed. "I suppose I do. In a way."
"Oh?"
"Hm..."
"The way you reacted when I... when I kissed you..." Snape was about to say something but Remus ploughed on, "And the way you act whenever I'm near you... as if I've got some sort of disease... it's as if you just don't like being--" he drifted off and sensed his gaze avert as Snape looked up at him, a small frown on his face.
"Lupin," Snape took a deep breath. "It's nothing to do with you," he said quietly. "I just..."
"What?"
The Potions Master screwed his eyes shut and his grip on his own arms tightened. "I just... don't like to be touched... You've been, *nice* I suppose, in your way, but, I just don't feel comfortable--"
That empty, haunted look came up again in his eyes. An idea suddenly went through the werewolf's mind.
Whilst Snape was in his daze, Remus went closer to him, and clasped Snape's hands in his. "Severus," he whispered. When the Potions Master jerked back to life, he began to stiffen in the shoulders. "Severus, I'm not going to hurt you..." Gingerly, Remus prised the crossed arms away and brought his cheek closer to Snapes. He realised that maybe this wasn't the best way to get through to Snape, but he'd already gone much too far and his heart was pumping on at full speed, or so it seemed. The adrenaline rushing through his veins prompted a swifter course of action.
He took his cheek away, and they shared a stare. Grey into Black. Resisting a smile, Remus noted with a feeling of triumph, that Snape's resolve was slowly - oh, so slowly, but surely - falling away. He lowered his gaze to the floor and Remus laid his lips upon Snape's brow, bringing them together and slowly kneading the skin between them.
When Snape stiffened again, Lupin massaged his arms with small circles with his thumbs. "Ssshh..." he said. "I promise that I won't hurt you."
At this, Snape raised his head, only to be met with a swift kiss. As Lupin sensed that he would, he tried to resist at first, but when the werewolf finally dared to let his tongue glide into Snape's mouth, the Potions Master gradually let himself fall into Remus' embrace.
He drew himself away and gave Snape an appraising look. "That wasn't too bad, now, was it?"
Snape had his eyes closed. "No further..." he murmured.
"Why not?" Lupin gestured as if to pull Snape closer, but Snape pushed away.
"Y-you wouldn't ... you wouldn't like it... if not now, then sometime later on. Believe me. People like you don't get involved with people like me..."
What was he going on about?
"I don't know what you mean, Severus..."
Snape looked at him incredulously.
"Really, I don't." Remus gave him a surprisingly shy glance. "You'll still let me kiss you, though, won't you?"
"Tch."
"What?"
There was a slight smile on Severus' lips. "Go away, Lupin. Leave me be, for once."
Eyes still on Snape, Remus walked to the door. When his hand was on the doorknob, he turned round to ask, "And how is Sirius, may I ask?"
"Yes and he's fine. Just very tired, but he'll live."
Before Snape could raise any objections, Lupin kissed him thoroughly on the lips. "Night, Severus," he whispered against the man's neck.
Snape hesitated then, much to Lupin's surprise, he gave him a small kiss on his neck. "Good-night, Lupin."
*
There you go. Everything seems to happening rather quickly, doesn't it? (lol) ; )
