One of my favourite images of an exasperated Lupin: '... he pinched the bridge of his nose...' lol am I a dork or what? I have to blame dovielr to blame for that. Seriously. I was young, and completely in awe of her as she'd written Staffroom Seduction (dovielr now thinks ArchArtist/Writer to be the saddest dork to have ever lived) ah well... the truth is out now... I'll go... hide or something...

Chapter 25: Seven for a secret, ne'er to be told

There was a feverish atmosphere in Hogwarts, the night after. Jona Snape had returned. Triumph of a sorts, seemed iminent what with only two more Links to go.

Remus didn't feel like leaving the noisy sea of students and teachers and guests alike, to attempt slumber by ignoring the feverish moans from Sirius' room. It would be much too embarassing and he would never be able to face Sirius without laughing again.

So, he headed to the Lounge, the nickname given for a just-below-moderately- luxurious room that the staff used, only for the staff, unlike the staffroom in which students could enter if only to get a chance to talk with their tutors. He was pretty sure that there would be no one else there; they'd all be guzzling wine and celebrating the latest success.

**Even someone like Snape**

When he reached the entrance, he noticed that the door was slightly ajar. So, he'd been wrong after all.

Opening it, he was briefly shocked by the lighting, expecting for the skulking loner who was in here at present, to have kept the lighting low.

**Peek-a-boo**

He entered the room.

There was no one there. There was nothing except for a rustling of paper--

**Paper? In a room without windows, paper moving?**

--And a squeak.

"Err... Rat?" Remus heard himself say, his voice husky and odd-sounding to his own ears. "Rat is that you?" **Hark, I'm talking to a rodent as if it's a real human**

Wait.

Indeed, Rat came forward, stopping casually to sniff the table legs and carpet. When he looked up at the human, his whiskers twitched and with that, the rat increased his speed to run up the werewolf's arms. Habitually, Lupin crouched and extended an arm.

"He's not with the others in that Hall, is he?"

-Well, you can't get more obvious than that-

"He was the last time..."

-He wanted to try talking to other two-leggers again. Just for a small while. He even took me-

"Where has he gone, now?"

-Guess-

Remus grinned to himself. "Give me directions, will you? And you can answer my question..."

-sigh-

"What exactly were you doing down here, alone?" Man and rat left the room, Remus remembered to turn out the lights on his way. "I usually see you near Severus, if you're not actually in his pockets." He looked both ways across the corridors. No one else was around and all was well lit.

-I was sniffing. Nothing wrong with that, is there?-

"No... no, of course not..."

* * *

He stepped inside the room. Rat sniffed in approval and reminded the werewolf to shut the door behind him. -He always gets edgy over it- the rat added, before leaping off Remus' arm onto the floor. Remus would never stop wondering how Rat managed to do that with such ease. He himself had certainly never heard of a leaping rat.

"Who is it?" Said a familiar voice from behind one of the doors. Startled, Remus found a suspicious Snape in front of him. The Potions Master's face relaxed slightly on seeing that it was Remus.

"What are you doing here?" He asked softly, black eyes glittering.

"I came as an escort for Rat." Lupin replied. "How are you?"

"Alive."

Remus snorted. "So I see." When Snape turned away, Remus laid a hand lightly on the man's shoulder; those few days had given him enough experience which had taught him to place his hand lightly enough so as not to cause Snape flinching. He moved closer. "We haven't spoken since... I was wondering if you were avoiding me."

"No more than you have." Snape turned his head slightly.

There was a pause.

"Why did you... want me to leave you...?" He asked in a hushed voice. "I thought everything was going just fine between us..."

**Yes, that's right. Admit it, there was no difference to how it was before except for the fact that you'd randomly kiss each other!**

"I thought it was, too."

"Then why...?"

"Because I wanted to." Snape turned round completely now. "Surprised? Believe me, Remus, it wasn't to do with you in particular... I just didn't feel that I was ready for it..." He winced slightly as a sign of frustration at his choice of words and turned his back to Remus again.

**My move**

"Why weren't you ready for it, then?" His chin was resting on Snape's shoulder. "Hm?"

Already, Severus was beginning to tense. Inwardly, Remus sighed. Why did Snape - unless plied with alcohol - react like this? Remus swore that the man knew he'd never do anything to hurt him intentionally. Why was it always like this?

"It didn't feel right."

"*I* didn't feel right?"

"No," Snape said, a bit of impatience in his voice. "The relationship. I'm not used to..." he trailed off.

Lupin tried to nod gently, his chin still in the crook of Snape's neck. "I understand."

"No... you don't." Snape whispered, pulling himself away from the werewolf. He laughed hollowly. "You never would..."

Remus looked down at his shoes. "Try me."

"Why?" The sallow-skinned man sneered.

"I want to know." He crossed his arms. "Severus," he went on, in a gentler tone. "We were a little more than just mere acquaintances for a while... something like a week, yes? Yet still, I knew practically nothing about you. Then you decided that you didn't want me getting any closer... you never told me why... and there were other things as well... how you'd always flinch whenever I'd touch you... even if it was just on the shoulder. I mean, can't you at least think of it as a debt just waiting to be paid?"

"Oh, now isn't that witty."

"I know... riotously so." He paused, waiting for Snape to react. He'd say nothing more, for now.

The silence lasted for quite a bit before Snape muttered, "I don't know where to start."

"The very beginning?"

"No."

Remus replied in an imitation of Snape's voice. "Well then, where else do you propose you start?" He raised an eyebrow as Snape turned to lay a smouldering, yet cold gaze on him.

"I could just not start at all," he said in an undertone through clenched teeth. "Now that I come to think of it, I don't actually want to... I could go on for ever... and you'd...." again, he trailed off. Perhaps exaggerating his exasperation, Remus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Please stop that, Remus," Snape murmured, his voice tired and no longer edged with annoyance. "It's not easy... and..." this time, he seemed to be trying to find the right words. ".. I haven't... *trusted* many people before..." he sighed.

"All right, I'll take it easy with you," getting a chair, Remus sat on it.

"No... For God's sake, get up, Lupin... the more I feel as if I'm just a patient in line for psychiatric help, the less inclined I feel to talk." Remus could empathise with that.

"D'you think we could start with Dumbledore?" Remus asked quietly. He took a step back when Snape turned suddenly to face him, black eyes unreadable but facial muscles bunched and tense. "Don't scare me like that," he added. "I only mentioned Dumbledore because he's the one who seems to gather the most interesting reactions from you..." at the look on Snape's face, he went on hurriedly. "I'm sorry to have put it that way, but, it's true... even Sirius has noticed it. You always act so odd around him, and it's lately that it has become much more noticeable."

When Snape didn't reply immediately, Remus headed for the cabinet and pulled out a bottle of Tonic water. "May I?"

"Yes."

Another silence, this one thoughtful rather than cold.

"What do you mean by 'lately'?" Snape asked, voice deathly quiet.

"Hm? Oh-- About a month before we started... getting closer to each other. I was worried, shall we say, when I saw you flinch whenever he came near you..." Remus took a sip from his glass, eyes on Snape. He was beginning to fidget. Recovering from the momentary shock, Remus shook his head: Snape *didn't* fidget.

"I was tired... highly strung..." he murmured. "Nothing more..."

"Then what about me?"

"What about you?"

"Why did you flinch whenever--"

"I *told* you! I wasn't used to that sort of relationship!" Snape replied quietly but still rather heated. "I-I didn't expect it to go so far... I didn't know how to react... it wasn't unpleasant, it was just not..."

"Right?"

Snape looked down to the floor. Lupin took another sip at his glass.

"You didn't think it was right," Remus said finally.

"Close. But not quite," Snape muttered irritably. "After..." he stopped. "It didn't..." The werewolf could tell that Snape was getting truly annoyed with himself.

"After what?"

No reply.

"Severus, tell--"

"I don't--"

"You *do*... you have to-"

"No, I do not!"

"Yes, listen-"

"No! *You* listen--!"

"After what? Tell me! After what?!" Both men stopped; Snape looked shocked that Remus had raised his voice to such an extreme. Remus was just as shocked too.

The normally calm, detached Potions Master began to stutter, meeting Remus' eyes for a moment of two before looking away and - as if shielding himself - crossing his arms around him.

"After Dumbledore." He whispered.

The werewolf was stunned. "Wh-what do you mean?... You were lo--" He stopped. "Oh, Gods..."

"I did try to warn you..." Snape was now speaking through clenched teeth and had well and truly barricaded himself. "I told you, you wouldn't understand... I thought you knew..."

"How could I have known? Did anyone else know?"

Snape and Dumbledore, lovers? Since when? Surely, it would have been staff gossip... he would have heard...

"Since when?" He asked in a hollow voice, heart leadened.

"It was- It was in our... our second year," was the quiet reply.

**Hold on...**

"You weren't--"

**Shit--**

Snape looked up at him, puzzlement one of the many emotions visible. "He abused you... he abused you didn't he?"

"Keep your voice--"

"He abused you!" Remus took a step closer to Snape who was still refusing to meet his eyes. If he kept on going, the man'd go into the table. "He fucking abused you! Who else knew?!"

"N-no one... I think."

"No-one!"

"I didn't tell anyone, did I?" Snape hissed. "And keep quiet! Do you want everyone else to hear?"

"And that's why you despised us... That's..."

"Oh, be quiet!" Snape snapped. "No, it isn't... I simply distrusted you, that's all... That's nothing to do with it... it was only later..."

"Yes?"

"... when you began to get noticed by the teachers... Dumbledore led me on to believe... th- that he was doing the same to you," Snape's sallow complexion was beginning to pink. "I thought you enjoyed it... I'm sorry.. I didn't know, really... it's just.... I was young, I didn't have anywhere else...-"

"Why are *you* apologising?" Remus demanded. "*He's* the one--"

"Calm down! You have to listen to me! I was as bad as he! I *let* him, remember?"

"BUT YOU DIDN'T *LIKE* IT, DID YOU?" Lupin heard himself roar.

"Remus, please-"

"DID YOU?"

"No! But, I thought.. I mean, I let him... let him carry on with it..."

"Any child would... Severus..."

"It was as if I was getting a one up on everyone else... but I hated it..." Snape went on, "I hated it...I swear I-... and I got jealous... I hated it... and I thought the others he ...that they enjoyed it... I didn't know I must have been the only one... I was young... I was so confused..." he closed his eyes. "And now look at me." His gaze was hard and relentless. "Remus.... promise me, that you will *never*..."

"He deserves to fucking *die*!" To think of all the things Dumbledore had cost them...to think he had *trusted* a dirty pervert...

"...*never* repeat this..."

"Severus--"

"PROMISE ME!"

Remus gulped. "O-of course." It took several minutes for himto calm down, before he managed to say, "how do you know you must have been the only one?"

Severus shrugged. "He didn't call anyone else up... I didn't realise that at the time, but still... and I was an easy target... my father died when I was five... six-ish..."

**'Last Family Photo'... how old must he have been... six?**

"But-"

"I DON'T KNOW!" He screamed. "Now go away! Please!" Panting lightly, he controlled his voice. "Or don't. I don't care. Just whatever you do... Never... not a word of this..."

The werewolf shook his head.

"Whatever you say, love." It came out before he realised.

Snape looked at him, incredulous. "Love?" He began to laugh, somewhat hysterically. It was only enhanced by the fact that there was no actual smile upon his face.

"You don't mind, do you?" Remus said slowly.

"I left you, Remus. I left you and you call me love. I tell you things I never dreamed of telling anyone and you call me love. Please tell me it just slipped out. Please tell me that it came out before you realised. You wouldn't have any idea if I hadn't decided to tell you and I've been coping for over twenty-five years now, there is no need to overreact, because you just did... and you call me love..." He shook his head derisively.

"Does he know... how it affected you..." Remus blinked. "I mean... haven't you *confronted* him?"

"How could I?" Snape sighed. "I will... sooner or later... sooner, I think."

"How can you--?"

"There have been other things happening to me, since. I'm not as twisted as you probably think I am. Dumbledore hasn't turned me into a complete retard. And then there's the timing..." Snape gave Remus a rueful look.

"You're being so calm about all of this..." He wasn't, of course, but cnsidering how Snape could get... this wasn't the Snape he knew... Snape was a man of extremes.

"I've had more than a quarter of a century to think about it. I was content just to never get myself involved in an intimate... partnership... I can't stand to be touched, as no doubt you know... I told you myself... I coped on my own, did just fine, but then..."

"I came along," Remus whispered.

"Mmm..." Snape absent mindedly stroked his left forearm.

Suddenly outside, there were numerous thuds, all rapid and thundering. Both men stepped towards the door, mentally bracing themselves for whatever was coming through that door. When Remus stopped walking forward, Snape continued until they were close enough for the werewolf to feel his former lover's breath on his neck.

Two loud knocks on the door.

"Severus? SEVERUS?"

It was Sirius. "Severus, please... I can't find Remus and... "

"Come on," Snape murmured. "Duty calls."

*

Crowd: Oooooooooooooooooooooooh! I do feel a bit sorry for you, now. Don't worry... we are so close to the end, I think I lost control in this chapter. Any harsh critisms? I will *gladly* take them...