LAST WORDS
-8 YEARS
MADONNA:
"Where's Leo?" Kat questioned.
I glanced up at her, then out the window again. "I don't know. He's late. That's not like him, you know?"
She pressed back against the wall, crossing her arms over her chest. I glanced up as she tossed her black hair over her shoulder. "Think he's blowing you off?"
I shook my head, staring out at the city. "No, I don't. I think something's wrong."
"Don't worry about it, Madonna," she advised. "He's a big boy. He can take care of himself."
I nodded, but took very little reassurance from her words. I could feel her eyes on me. I wasn't dressed up, perse, but I was definately dressed to go out of the house. "So what was the plan for tonight?" she asked.
I shook my head. "No plan, really, just... he wanted to show me something. I don't know what."
"You're falling for him, aren't you, Madonna."
That wasn't really a question. Denial didn't even cross my mind. "Yes. I am."
She sighed deeply and turned her gaze to the world outside. "You know you can't be with him, Madonna..."
I stared down at my bare legs. The dark blue skirt ended at mid-thigh. It was my favorite. "It doesn't matter anymore, Kat," I whispered. "I love him. I'm in too deep."
"Deep enough to forsake your honor?"
Her words cut through me. I cringed at the impact, and shuddered, wrapping my arms around myself. "I don't know," I admitted quietly.
She sighed. "You've got to chose your side, Madonna," she reminded me. "Allow yourself to continue in a fantasy you always knew you couldn't have... or defend your father's honor."
I looked up, more hurt than surprised by her words. "My whole life, I've never had anything just because I wanted it," I whispered. "And now you want me to tell him to go away?"
She forced a slight smile. "I'm not trying to make your decision for you, Madonna."
Tears burned at my eyes and I blinked them back. I didn't want my makeup to run. I looked away and hugged myself tightly. "I love him, Kiara," I breathed. "I've never loved anyone before."
She shook her head slightly as she looked away. "I can't tell you how to live your life, Madonna," she sighed. "You do what you want. But don't ever forget the consequences of your actions."
LEONARDO:
I jolted awake as I felt an icy hand on the top of my head. For a moment, I was confused. Where was I and why was I on the floor beside the bed rather than in it? Then I remembered, and I knew who that hand belonged to. "Sensei?" I questioned. "{How do you feel?}"
He sighed, the breath rattling in his lungs. I felt my heart break all over again, but there were no tears left to cry. "{I am tired,}" he whispered.
I took his hand between mine and rubbed it gently, trying to coax warmth back into his extremities. "{Are you cold? Can I get you another blanket?}"
He didn't answer. I lit the candle on the bedside table and stood, still clutching his hand. I pulled the extra blanket up around his body, tucking it gently underneath him. He was so thin... His eyes opened as I sat down on the edge of the bed, still holding his hand. I wondered what time it was. I knew it was the middle of the night, but more specifically than that, I had no idea.
"Leonardo?"
I bowed my head. "Nani?"
"{Are you angry?}"
I shivered slightly as the quiet, gentle words cut through me. "Iie Sensei," I assured him.
He studied me for a long moment. I could feel his eyes on me but kept my head down. I didn't want to see the cold, frail skin of who he was. "{You are... afraid?}"
My eyes slid closed. His words were chipping away at the walls I had built around my emotions. I wasn't ready to deal with all of my emotions yet. "{Rest, Master,}" I pleaded with him. "{Save your strength.}"
I dared a glance up at him and saw a weak smile cross his face. "{My strength has been saved...}" He cut off with a deep cough that made me cringe. That sounded so bad... It took him a moment to regulate his breathing again, then he continued. "{... for this moment. There might not be another opportunity to speak with you in this way.}"
The force of those words brought tears to my eyes. Not another opportunity. The time was so short, and there was so much that needed to be said. Things I couldn't even identify yet. I'd had so little time to prepare, and yet I had no choice to accept what was happening. "Hai, Sensei," I admitted quietly. "{I'm afraid.}" A million other words came to my mind to better describe what I was feeling. I felt the walls come tumbling down around me, leaving me exposed. And at this moment, alone in the presence of the man I trusted more than anyone, I didn't care. I let myself break. I let the tears come. I was losing him, and there was nothing I could do about it. "{Afraid, and angry, and confused, and sad, and... a lot of things.}"
His free hand lifted off the bed and rested on my arm. "{Do not fear for my sake, Leonardo,}" he whispered as his icy fingers brushed my skin. "{Nor for your own. You will be strong. I know you will.}"
I nodded obediently, knowing that the words should be more of a comfort than they actually were. He'd always been there, so supportive, so confident in me. And now he was leaving me. With a responsibility that I only prayed I could fulfill. I didn't want to let him down, but I wondered if he knew just how weak I was right now.
He sighed and his hand dropped slowly. I glanced up and saw his head turn to the side and my heart jumped into my throat. Not yet... He breathed in, and I felt a wash of relief overtake the panic. "{Death... is a part of life, Leonardo,}" he reminded me, his voice quiet and hoarse. "{And I am ready to leave. Mourning is necessary and it is right. But do not forget that I am leaving content with my life, and with all that I have done.}"
I nodded slightly. "{I know.}"
He opened his eyes and our gazes met. I swallowed hard, willing tears not to fall. "{I am very proud of you, Leonardo,}" he whispered. "{And I have great faith in you.}"
He coughed deeply and moaned, turning his head away again. I bowed my head, still chafing lightly at his hand, and said nothing. For a moment, there was only the sound of his raspy breathing. Then he looked up again. "{As you assume leadership of this clan, promise me only that you will not forget my teachings.}"
I nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly. "{I will never forget all that you have taught me.}"
"{I want you to find peace, Leonardo. Remember that most of all. Happiness and peace are separate entities, and I wish both for you. But peace above all.}"
I nodded, tucking away the words. I would contemplate them later. For now, I remained silent and still, my only movements being the gentle brush against the back of his hand. "{I will miss you, Father,}" I managed.
There was a long silence, his eyes opened and met mine. "Leonardo?"
"Nani?"
"{You have spent a great deal of time away from home lately.}"
I felt my muscles tense slightly. I bowed my head instinctively. "Hai."
"{What is the reason?}"
I stared down at the floor, uneasiness sweeping over me. Why was he asking me this? Why now, of all times? "{I've... met someone. A friend. We... spend a lot of time talking.}"
"{This friend is a woman?}"
My eyes closed. God, how did he know that? But I knew he did. It wasn't really a question. He'd known before he ever spoke in the first place. "Hai," I whispered.
"{I should like very much to meet her.}"
I looked up, startled. "{You want me to bring her here?}"
He nodded slightly. "Hai," he sighed. "{In the morning, perhaps. When I have rested.}"
I could only stare at him, dumbfounded. He wanted to meet her? He'd always stood so strongly against guests to the lair, I couldn't believe he was asking me to bring her down. Finally, I found my voice. "Hai, Sensei," I agreed.
He smiled faintly and took another slow breath, then turned his head again. I watched as his breathing slowed and he slipped into what I guessed was a light sleep. Thoughts of Madonna faded as I watched him breathe, counting the times air entered and exited his lungs. Those breaths felt numbered. Each time he breathed, he was one step closer to the point where those breaths would stop. How many more breaths did he have? Three hundred? Two-hundred, ninety-nine... Two-hundred, ninety-eight... And time went by so quickly. How long before the clock reached zero hour, and he ceased to be? How long before he left us alone here?
Alone.
I was so afraid. More than I wanted him to see. My whole life, I had relied on him so heavily. Now it was as if my lifeline was being cut. My crutch was gone, and I had nothing to fall back on. If I failed, there was no one to catch me.
I leaned over and kissed his forehead, then turned from him, unable to watch the breaths any longer, and buried my face in my hands. I felt my body shudder as a silent sob wracked through me. So alone...
MICHAELANGELO:
I cracked open the door and Leonardo looked up, slowly and calmly. He hadn't been asleep, kneeling at Splinter's side. I could tell he hadn't slept at all. Or at least, he'd only napped lightly. His eyes were bloodshot, his expression tired. In a word, he looked like hell.
"You alright, Leo?" I asked quietly, not wanting to wake the sleeping figure on the bed.
His head dropped and he nodded slightly. "Fine."
I studied him for a moment in the flickering light. "You sure don't look fine," I whispered.
He sighed and looked back toward the still, sleeping figure on the bed. I approached slowly and knelt beside him. My heart was already shattered with the thought of losing Master Splinter, but Leo worried me even more. My gaze remained fixed on him as I reached up and rested a hand on his shoulder. "Why don't you go get some sleep?" I prodded. "I'll stay with him."
He shook his head. "No, I'm okay."
"Please, Leo," I begged quietly. He turned and met my stare. I forced a weak smile. "Please. Go rest. I want to stay with him."
He studied me for a moment, then his eyes closed slowly. His head bowed and he nodded submissively. I leaned forward and put my arms around his neck. He hugged me back and I heard him sigh deeply as he pulled away. "There's something... he asked me to do," he whispered. "If you'll stay with him, I'm going to go do it."
I nodded. "No problem, Leo."
He rubbed his hands over his face in an apparent effort to wake himself up. "What time is it, anyway?"
"Almost seven. In the morning."
"Who's home?"
I knew the point of that question, however subtle he was attempting to make it. "Raph's not. I haven't seen him at all since..." I hesitated, choosing my words carefully. "Since he left yesterday."
A hardened look crossed Leonardo's face. "He's probably off in a goddamn harem somewhere."
I looked away, keeping my eyes down, and didn't answer. I didn't want to get in the middle of that fight. I knew it was a lot more fierce than I was willing to face.
Leo stood slowly and retied his mask. "I'll..." he started. A quick glance at Splinter stopped his sentence. "I'll be back as fast as I can. I have to do this before he..." He choked again and his eyes hit the floor as he swallowed hard. "Leaves us. But it requires me to be gone for a while."
I nodded. "Don't worry about it, Leo. I've got it covered. And Donny's here too. I'm sure nothing will have changed by the time you get back."
He sighed deeply. "Thanks, Mikey. I'll call in when I get there and..."
"Leo?"
He looked up, seemingly surprised that I'd interrupted him. I smiled, genuinely this time. He was so worried. And I really could handle it. "Just go, dude. It'll be fine."
He stared at me for a moment, contemplating those words. Then, finally he turned away. I watched him as he slipped out of the room silently and closed the door behind him with a soft click.
SPLINTER:
"Hey." Michaelangelo's greeting was coupled with a weak smile. His hand rested lightly over mine as he sat perched on the edge of the bed. "Ohayo, Sensei."
I nodded slightly and breathed in. "Ohayo, my student."
He bowed, perhaps a little lower than he normally would have, and made sure the blanket was tucked tightly around me. "Can I get you anything?"
I took a breath of air into my lungs, then let it out slowly. "No, Michaelangelo," I whispered. "I am well."
He forced another smile. "If there's anything you need..."
I shook my head slightly. "Thank you."
The calm silence continued for a moment, then I shifted for what seemed like the first time in ages. My muscles were weak and tired, and they protested the movement. I managed to push myself up slightly, and my son sprang to attention, reaching his arm behind me and providing something to grab on to as I pulled my body into a sitting position, my back against the headboard. Michaelangelo grabbed one of the spare blankets and folded it quickly, then placed it behind me for support and stepped back, watching me for a reaction.
I sighed, my eyes closing. Sitting up made breathing a little easier, but it took more strength. "Arigatou," I thanked him weakly.
He bowed. "Do itashimashite."
I closed my eyes and relaxed for a moment before my lungs decided to rebel against the stillness. I coughed deeply, forcing fluid from them, and gasped for a moment, attempting to steady my breathing. "Where is Leonardo?" I asked, curious.
"He said he had something to do," Michaelangelo answered. "Something you requested?"
I nodded slightly, understanding. "Yes," I whispered. "Did he say when he would return?"
"As soon as he could. But he didn't give me a time or anything."
I gathered my thoughts, pulling my legs nearer to me and crossing them. "Are you sure you don't want anything?" Michaelangelo questioned. "Tea?"
I sighed. With the fluid pooling in my lungs, I had no desire to drink anymore. "No. Thank you."
His head bowed and he stared at the floor. "No offense, Master, but you're kinda making me feel useless here."
I smiled. "That is not at all my intention, Michaelangelo."
He looked up slowly and his gaze met mine. I could see the moisture glaze over his eyes. "I..." he started, blinking back the tears. "I'm gonna miss you. A lot."
I nodded slightly and reached for his hand, placing my own over the top of it. His eyes closed and his head bowed again. "Do not think of it as parting," I whispered. "Only that I am changing form."
"Into what?" he choked.
"Into a spirit," I answered quietly, "without a body, that will forever reside in your heart if you allow it."
His eyes opened, fixed on the floor, and he blinked a few times. "Sensei..." he began hesitantly. Slowly, he looked up. "Do you believe in God?"
I was a bit startled by his question. He must have sensed that, for he attempted to rephrase his concern. "I mean... or something. Do you... know what you believe? Where you're going?" He shook his head as he looked away. "I mean, I'm not tryin' to make you believe anything, I just need to know what you think. What you expect to happen when you take your last breath."
I considered his words carefully. "I have... seen the fruit of many religions..." I answered slowly, pondering each word before I spoke it. "And not one is flawless, as no person here on Earth can be flawless. But I do believe that there is something or someone in this world that can be flawless, and that is God."
He studied me for a moment, then looked away. "I don't really know what all that's supposed to mean, but I'll trust you do."
I laughed quietly, as much as I was able, then rested a hand over his. "Do not fear for me, my son," I pleaded. "I want you to remain strong in this time."
He shook his head. "I don't feel very strong right now."
I nodded. "Alone, you cannot be. Lean on your brothers for support. And be there for them. You all need each other right now."
His head bowed. "Even with them... I just feel... alone."
"Feeling and knowing are two different things," I reminded him. "You may feel alone, but know that you are not. For as long as the four of you are together, you will remain strong."
His head shook slightly. "But that's not right," he whispered. "It's not supposed to be four." He looked up and our eyes met. I could see the tears threatening to overflow. "My whole life, there's been five."
My heart softened and I smiled weakly. "Michaelangelo..."
He did not give me a chance to finish. He leaned forward and embraced me. He was very gentle, but I knew he was clinging to whatever strength in me he could find. I found myself smiling as I managed to lift my arms and return his hug. "I love you, my son."
"I know," he gasped. I could tell by the way his breathing staggered that he was crying now. He remained close for a long time, then pulled back and wiped his eyes roughly. "I'm sorry."
I shook my head as I settled back again. "Do not be sorry."
He breathed deep, his eyes sliding closed, and tried to regain his composure. "You should rest."
It was more of a plea than anything. I smiled faintly and turned my head to the side. I was not asleep, but he did not know that as he began to cry openly.
MADONNA:
I swallowed hard as he pushed the door open. He took my hand and I hesitantly stepped inside. "Oh my god," I whispered, looking around the room. It was completely furnished and looked much like a large apartment would, only without the windows. "You live here?"
"Yes," he answered. "We do."
He closed the door behind me and led me by the hand to the hallway. He stopped at a closed door and knocked gently on it before cracking it open. "Mikey?"
I couldn't see beyond him, but I assume he got an answer. "Is he awake?"
The butterflies in my stomach lurched. I was so unsure about this meeting. I knew the kind of merit Leonardo put on his sensei's words, and I didn't want to think of what might be said if he somehow knew who and what I was. Fear gripped my insides as Leonardo exchanged a few more words and the door opened. One of his brothers, almost identical except for his skin tone and the color of his bandana, stopped dead in his tracks as his gaze came to rest on me. His eyes widened beneath his orange mask.
Leo rested a hand on his shoulder. "Please," he whispered.
The unfamiliar turtle's eyes cut away from me and to Leo's, then he turned without a word and walked down the hallway. He disappeared into a room and closed the door behind him. Leo watched him, then turned to me. "Wait here."
I nodded, and realized I was biting my lip. He stepped into the room and closed the door partway. I could still see inside easily. I saw a figure in the flickering candlelight, leaning against the headboard of a twin bed. He was not a turtle, though from this distance, and the light as it was, I couldn't be sure exactly what he was.
Leonardo walked to the edge of the bed and dropped to one knee, bowing low. "Master," he greeted.
The response was too quiet to hear. I tensed up, biting my lip again and not caring. I swallowed hard and considered bolting for the door, but decided against it. I had not come all this way to back out on Leo. I missed a few lines of the conversation, and before I knew what was happening, Leonardo was pulling me through the door. I felt my breath catch and for a moment, I couldn't breathe. He was a rat, and he didn't look to be in very good health. His eyes followed me as Leo led me into the room, closing the door and trapping me here.
I felt Leo's arm circle my shoulders and come to rest over my right. He stood slightly behind me, as if he were presenting me, and leaned in to whisper into my hair. "Relax, Madonna," he pleaded. I wasn't sure if that was more for my sake, or for the fact that his sensei would be able to tell how uneasy I was.
He stopped a few steps away from the bed, but didn't hold me. I glanced back at him, then at the still figure on the bed, who seemed to smile at me in reassurance. "Come closer," he whispered.
Leo didn't move. I swallowed hard and stepped away from him, dropping to one knee beside the bed and bowing my head, my hair falling in front of my face. "My name is Splinter," he informed. "Leonardo has told me of you."
I bowed lower as I was acknowledged. I knew how this song and dance went from years of training in my father's house. "I am Madonna," I answered. "And I could say likewise."
"Please," he gestured, "relax. I would like to speak to this woman who has so interested my son, not to have her cower before me."
I felt my face flush. Good god, what had Leo told him? Surely he knew that we were only friends. I sighed to myself. Of course he did. I was the only one who seemed to have a hard time understanding that. I settled back and crossed my legs in front of me, raising my eyes to him. "It is an honor to meet you, Splinter-sama."
He studied me for a moment. "Your mother," he began hesitantly. "She was Japanese?"
I could tell as he said it that he was only guessing, not confirming something that had already been told to him. I shook my head slightly. "No, my mother was an American," I answered quietly. "She's deceased now. My father raised me, and for the most part my half sister as well, and he is Japanese."
He nodded slightly, then turned his head away as he coughed. It rang deep in his chest and I cringed at the sound of it, bowing my head to afford him privacy. "Please excuse me," he sighed as he regained his composure.
I shook my head, then looked back up at him. "Think nothing of it."
There was a long pause. I shifted nervously. I was biting my lip again, and I willed myself to stop. "You seem fearful, child."
I forced a slight smile. He had no idea... "Nervous," I admitted, managing a tense laugh.
"For what reason?" he questioned. "Have I made you uneasy?"
I exchanged brief glances with Leonardo. He smiled and nodded slightly, offering his reassurance. It allowed me to relax slightly. I was doing fine so far. "No, Splinter-sama," I answered, turning back to him. "It's just that... well, I'm not sure what to say."
"And the silence frightens you," he assumed.
I nodded, dropping my eyes to the floor. It wouldn't do me any good to lie to him. Aside from the fact that I'd never get away with it, there was no real reason to even make the attempt. "Do you like my son, Madonna?"
I tensed instantly and felt my face grow hot. I couldn't believe he'd just asked me that. I swallowed hard, not sure how to answer. Don't lie, my subconscience warned. But really, I wasn't sure how to give him the truth. I wasn't even sure I knew the truth.
I looked up, toward Leonardo. He was watching me, his expression unreadable. A million thoughts flashed through my mind all at once. The way he talked to me, the way he held me, the way I felt lying in his arms. Even now, looking into his eyes, I could feel something stir inside of me. Was it love?
The word frightened and excited me at the same time. I had never been in love before. And I had certainly never meant to fall in love with my family's enemy. But every time he touched me, no matter what the gesture, I always felt that warmth deep inside of me, and none of that seemed to matter. It didn't matter that I was not allowed to love him, and that he likely didn't even want me to. I couldn't control what I was feeling inside. And that lack of control scared me.
But somehow, that fear gave way to a much more powerful emotion as I imagined the more favorable side of what might happen if he should ever find out that I felt this way. In reality, I knew he would probably be horrified. But reality meant nothing as thoughts of being close to him swept through my mind. I felt a tingling deep inside of me as I imagined his arms around me, his lips against mine. I could almost feel the warmth of his body, sinking down into the bed, making love to me.
I found myself smiling, for the first time unashamed of such thoughts. The tension faded inside of me and I watched him for a moment longer. "Yes," I finally whispered. "Very much."
Leo studied me, his gaze unwavering. Splinter answered, but I didn't hear his words. I was lost for the time being in Leonardo's eyes. For the first time, I allowed myself to admit just how much I loved him. How much I wanted him. Even if he could never know, admitting it to myself was a huge step in the right direction for my torn and confused emotions.
I love you, Leonardo...
DONATELLO:
I heard a knock on my door and looked up. I wasn't asleep, even though I'd been trying. I breathed deep and sat up. "Yeah?"
The door cracked open and Mike poked his head inside. "Splinter wants to see you," he whispered.
I nodded, swinging my legs over the side of the bed, then stood to my feet. He stepped back, clearing the way, and I slipped into the room silently. I closed the door behind me and walked to the side of the bed, bowing. "Konnichiwa, Sensei."
"Konnichiwa, Donatello," he replied, his voice barely a whisper.
"Can I get you anything?"
He smiled faintly. "No. Please, sit."
He patted the bed beside him lightly and I lowered, bowing my head. For a long time, he didn't speak. The sound of his breathing rang in my ears, alerting me to his pain. I cringed. "You know... I could get you some painkillers," I offered.
He smiled faintly. "I am alright," he assured me.
There was another long silence. Finally, he took in a long, slow breath. "I want you to know that I am very proud of you. Of all you have accomplished and all you have become."
My head bowed. Somehow, it was very difficult to take that compliment. It took me a moment to figure out why. "And yet in all that I've done, there's nothing I can do for you."
I felt his eyes on me. "You feel you have failed me in some way?"
I looked up at him hesitantly. "I don't know," I whispered. "I honestly don't know what to feel right now."
He placed his hand over mine and smiled faintly. "My years with you and your brothers have made my life worthwhile, Donatello," he rasped.
"And you've made us worthwhile," I reminded him. "Without you... we never would have lived. We might have mutated, but we would've just..." I looked away and paused as my voice caught. "We would've died there in the sewer. Children." My eyes closed and I bowed my head low. "We owe you everything. Our lives, our training... our reason for being alive."
I felt tears sting my eyes as I looked up at him again. My vision blurred and I clenched my teeth to hold back tears as I considered just how true these words were. How hard must it have been for him to raise four sons, alone, unable to even go to the grocery store to get food. How many times had he gone hungry to give us food to eat? Been cold so we could have blankets? How many nights had he stared up at the ceiling, wondering how he could pull us through another day, knowing that he'd better sleep because the hours were so short?
"If I've never said it before, Sensei..." I choked, my voice barely a whisper. "Thank you."
He bowed his head low, formally. "You are most welcome, my son."
SPLINTER:
"She is very beautiful."
Leonardo nodded, his head bowed. "She is."
I breathed in, and exhaled. "Are you in love with her?"
He hesitated for a long time. "Yes."
I smiled. I had known that much since before I had even met her, but that he would admit it gave me some comfort. At the very least, he was not denying what he felt for her. "Have you told her that?"
He shook his head. "I can't."
"Why is that?"
He struggled for a moment to find an answer, then sighed resignedly. "I don't know. I just... I can't."
I smiled. "You should make your feelings known, Leonardo."
He sighed and his head shook back and forth slightly. "She doesn't feel the same way, Sensei."
"How can you be sure of that if you do not give her the choice to begin with?"
He tensed slightly. His eyes closed. I watched him as his mind raced over a million thoughts. I could only guess what he was thinking at this point. "I don't want..." he finally struggled. He swallowed hard before continuing. "... to leave myself exposed like that."
I nodded, understanding. Sometimes, it was very hard to trust when it involved an issue of the heart. He understood the frailty of emotions, and was careful not to provide an opportunity for those around him to cause him pain. Keeping his feelings locked away was the easiest way to avoid injury. But it would get him no closer to finding peace in himself, if his heart was filled with confusion.
"Sometimes, one must trust in order to receive," I whispered.
He nodded slightly. "I don't trust people, Sensei," he sighed. "I never have. It's hard to trust her."
"I know."
He looked up, his eyes meeting mine. "And it's not going to get any easier, is it?"
I smiled reassuringly. "Yes. It will." He studied me for a moment, his gaze unwavering. "When one is free falling, it matters very little how fast he falls as he is doing it. The only difference is in where he lands."
He considered that for a long time, then swallowed hard. "Where am I going to land, Father?"
"That is for you to decide. But I hope it will be very near to someone like yourself."
"Is she?" he pleaded.
I nodded slightly. It took all the strength I had at the moment. "I believe that she is," I whispered. I opened my eyes and studied him. "She hides a great deal of pain, Leonardo. But then, so do you."
He bowed his head submissively. "She doesn't feel like I do, Master. And she shouldn't. She deserves so much more than I could ever provide."
"You cannot say that," I reminded him. "It is her decision, and hers alone, what path she will choose for her life. You can not prevent her love, only deny her the peace that would come of living surrounded in it, unashamed."
I raised my hand to him, but could barely lift it from the bed. I wanted to touch him, but I did not have the strength to move. I felt my muscles grow tired and then die, one at a time. It took a conscious effort to breathe. "Do I have... your approval, Father?" he asked quietly, his eyes opening to stare at the bed, not high enough to reach me.
"Hai," I managed. The words took great strength to manage. My eyes slid closed, unable to function any longer. "You have... my blessing..."
I gasped air and forced myself to look at my son again. "Leonardo?"
He raised his eyes slowly to mine. "Yes?"
I breathed in, my lungs aching. "Please call for your brothers."
He stood and walked to the door. I watched as he opened it, did as he was asked, then returned to the side of the bed.
LEONARDO:
Michaelangelo had no tears left. I could see that in the tired look he offered, first to me and then to Donatello. Splinter's eyes were closed. I stepped toward him and felt my brothers follow me. "Master?"
His eyes opened and he stared at nothing for a moment, then slowly turned his head to us. "I... love you... my sons..."
I felt my breath catch. My chest tightened and my eyes stung. I could feel the walls I'd been trying so desperately to build around my emotions wash out from under me. I knew, and it scared me. I closed my eyes tightly and wished for the millionth time that this was just a dream. "We love you too, Sensei..." Michaelangelo.
I opened my eyes again and exhaled long and slow, forcing my racing emotions to keep still. "Hai, Sensei," I agreed. "We will miss you."
I swallowed hard, then reached behind me. I drew my katana and bowed, deeply and formally to my master. I owed him every bit of respect I had. To my right, I felt both of my brothers drop to one knee as well. I heard a quiet sob and remained bowed low, tears burning at my eyes. I closed them and breathed. In. Out.
I felt my sensei's spirit brush mine. I felt him try, one last time, to feed me his strength. I opened to him, and nearly collapsed under the weight of all that was suddenly placed on my shoulders. The responsibility that came with assuming leadership of this clan was almost more than I could bear. I clenched my teeth and took it all, forcing my body and emotions to accept more than I could right now. I had no choice. There was no more time.
I forced myself to look up, just in time to see his eyes close. I set my jaw, my vision blurring as the tears stung. Everything outside of this room was forgotten as I watched my master fall silent. He didn't move. He didn't breathe. My hands were shaking. I could barely resheathe my weapon. When I finally managed, I rose again and took a step toward him. I touched his wrist, feeling for a pulse. His heart beat once. Twice. Then nothing.
I couldn't breathe. A hand came to rest on my shoulder. I didn't know who it belonged to and I didn't care. Slowly, I reached up and covered it, but I didn't dare turn around. I couldn't take my eyes off the still, lifeless figure on the bed. I was struggling desperately to keep the walls inside of me in place, but they were built on sand, and that sand was being swept away by every new wave of tears that I refused to cry.
I didn't realize I'd fallen until I felt the impact of my knees on the floor. I threw my head back and screamed in pain and anger, the sound ringing from deep in my soul. I ran out of breath before I ran out of emotion. The cry died away into silence, and I knelt beside the bed, shaking violently. I suddenly realized that this moment would impact me for the rest of my life. It was never going to be the same again. Ever. It was over. We would not even be alive if not for this man. I was not sure how to go about living without him.
I felt Mike reach for me, and realized how close he was. I turned to him, and to Don. Michaelangelo's arms wrapped around my neck. He clung to me, weeping openly. I couldn't cry. I had been forcing that back for so long, I didn't think I could manage it if I'd wanted to. My emotions were in shock. It was over. It was really over.
I pulled Donatello into the huddle on the floor. I needed that contact with my brothers right now. Somehow, this all felt unreal. It all felt like a dream, where anything could happen at any given moment and the world could change in a heartbeat. And in this fostered reality, I knew I could not afford to lose them as well.
I didn't try to speak. I was quite sure I wouldn't be able to manage it if I made an attempt. I rested my head against theirs, silent, rocking slightly back and forth in a rhythm I wasn't sure how I had found. My body acted on its own. Inside, everything was numb, and yet hurting at the same time.
It was the little things that finally got through to my brain. My legs were going numb. I had a headache behind my eyes. My back hurt. Slowly, I drew back and looked around. Don pulled away and exchanged glances with me. I could see the pain behind his eyes. He wanted to be here, to be available, but he wanted to be alone even more. I could see that, and I understood it. He needed to be alone. It was who he was, and how he had always dealt with pain. I nodded to him to show that I understood.
Donatello stood and glanced at the still figure on the bed, and then at Mikey. He cringed for some unknown reason, then looked toward the bed again. I watched as he bowed once more to his sensei, then backed toward the door.
Mike looked up. His tear streaked face screamed for comfort. "Leo?"
"Yeah?" I choked, amazed that I could manage speech.
"Will you...? I think... I'm gonna... be sick."
I rested a hand on his shoulder. "I'll take care of him, Mikey."
He used my shoulders for support as he stumbled to his feet and tripped toward the door. I didn't see him again.
