ARMS OF LOVE
-8 YEARS
NC-17 chapter. View uncropped at http:// www. Angelfire. Com/ ok5/ tmnt/ beloved/ ch7.html No spaces in there. Ff.net has decided to make this difficult.
LEONARDO:
We'd buried him. That, in and of itself, hurt more than I could bear. I refused to even think of how he was buried, by the three of us with Raphael watching from a distance. I might have felt anger at that fact had it been any other time. But now, I felt only pain. I wanted to run. I wanted to curl up and hide in the shelter that I would have ordinarily looked to Master Splinter to provide. But at the moment, I didn't know where to go. Which was probably why I was here.
The door opened. I looked up. Our eyes locked. "Leo, are you okay?" Comfort. Her voice helped to soothe the pain somehow. But I was not okay. It hurt. Deep inside of me, it was tearing me apart.
I hung my head and my eyes slid closed. Silence swept through the room as she closed the door behind her and sat down on the edge of the bed beside me. I didn't have to speak. She already knew this pain. Perhaps she'd felt it herself before. She'd told me once that her mother had died. "Oh, god, I'm so sorry," she whispered.
Her hand ran lightly over my arm. The flame sparked inside of me again and I felt tears prick at my eyes. She turned toward me and pulled my head to her chest, rocking back and forth gently. Comfort. "It's okay." Her whispered voice seemed to echo in the vast expanse of darkness inside of my soul. "It's okay, baby."
I didn't even realize I was crying until the tears had already run onto her chest. I didn't hide them. I couldn't hide them anymore. I'd been doing that for far too long, trying to be strong through all this and I couldn't. I couldn't do this alone. But I didn't know where to turn now. My source of strength was gone.
I cried until the tears wouldn't come anymore, feeling her fingers brush at the back of my head and down to my neck. Even as my eyes dried, I could not bring myself to pull away from her. Her touch was so soothing, so comforting. I didn't want to move.
Finally, I did pull away. I turned my face away from her. "I'm sorry, Madonna," I managed. "But I... I didn't know where else to go." I brushed my eyes roughly, ridding my cheeks of the tears. "I didn't want to go home and..." My voice caught. She rested her hand lightly on my leg and my eyes slid closed. "And I didn't want to be alone," I finally admitted.
"It's okay," she assured me. "It's okay, Leo. You're always welcome here. You know that."
I breathed deep, willing the emotions to calm inside of me. Her hand raised to my neck and shoulders. It felt so gentle, so soothing. I felt weak and vulnerable, and I instinctively tried to hide that. But I knew I couldn't. And really, what good would it do. I wanted her healing touch. I wanted it on every part of my body and soul. And for that, I had to trust her.
Trust.
I trusted her. And I loved her. And someday, I knew I'd tell her that.
"You should make your feelings known."
I shake my head. "She doesn't feel the same way, Sensei."
"How can you be sure of that if you do not give her the choice to begin with?"
I swallow hard. "I don't want... to leave myself exposed like that."
He smiles faintly. "Sometimes, one must trust in order to receive."
There was so much I wanted from her. So much I needed right now, and I was so afraid. Rejection had never so much as phased me before, growing up a mutated freak in a world of prejudice humans. But right now, from her, I didn't think I could take it. It would be a fatal blow to my already fragile emotions.
But somehow, I trusted her.
I knew she deserved more. She deserved more than I could ever give to her. I could never be a part of the American dream, the American family. I'd spend the rest of my life in hiding, and she would spend the rest of her life alone as far as the world around her was concerned. How could I ask for that?
"It is her decision, and hers alone, what path she will choose for her life."
But she could not choose a path I didn't provide.
"You can not prevent her love, only deny her the peace that would come of living surrounded in it, unashamed."
His dying wish... for all of us to find peace.
"You're a mess," she whispered. "Why don't you go take a shower?"
I wanted to agree. I wanted to accept, to stay, to not have to go home. I wanted to stay here and tell her all the things I was so afraid to. To lay my heart on the table, and trust. But I knew I couldn't do that. I knew how dangerous it was to remain in her presence. "I..."
"Leo..." she pleaded, cutting me off. She stood and pulled me to my feet.
So close to her... Out of nowhere, the pain inside of me flared again and I looked away. "I should go," I choked.
"No," she whispered, clasping her hands over mine. "No, I want you to stay. Please stay." I glance back at her, then look down at the floor between us. "You don't want to be alone, and I don't want you to leave."
I feel her lips touch my forehead. "Go take a shower and then you can get some rest. It's late and..." I started to protest, but she silenced me with her hand over my mouth. "... and frankly, you have nothing better to do right now."
That was painfully true. Before I even realized how, she had won.
MADONNA:
I hadn't even realized I'd fallen asleep until I felt the gentle brush of his fingers on my cheek. "What are you doing?" I blinked a few times, trying to figure out where I was. "You should be in bed, not out here."
I was on the couch. The person speaking to me was Leonardo. "Oh, I..." I stammered, sitting up. Of course. I'd invited him to stay the night and here I was on the couch. How stupid of me. But I hadn't planned on falling asleep. Really, I wasn't sure how I had. I wasn't particularly tired. "I didn't mean to..."
I locked stares with him and he smiled. I felt reassurance wash over me and I reached up to touch the side of his face. He wasn't offended by my accidental intrusion. If anything, he seemed amused. "Feel better now that you're clean?" I whispered.
He nodded. "Much."
I smiled, and he returned the look. But his expression seemed to change, to deepen as I pressed my palm to his cheek. His eyes closed and he exhaled deeply, nuzzling against my palm. I felt my eyes widen, and was glad he couldn't see it. He had never done that before. Every time I had ever touched him, he'd seemed so unaffected by it. But now he encouraged me, his brow slightly furrowed as if he were in the midst of a great emotional war.
I held still and watched him as his eyes opened. I still couldn't believe what I'd just seen and felt. It was such a slight gesture. But for him, it was a huge step in the right direction. I wasn't entirely sure what to think of it. Why had he done that? Did he have some feeling for me? "Are you really so blind that you don't see how he stares at you?" Katarina's words came rushing back to me, catching me in a whirlwind of emotion. "Come on, babe, he'd take you in a heartbeat if you offered."
I swallowed hard, my hand still against the side of his face. "You...?"
But I couldn't finish. I couldn't bear the thought of the question, much less the answer. I was afraid to love him, and even more afraid to hear that he didn't love me. But he had responded. He had encouraged me. Why? My confused emotions raged inside of me as we stared at each other, neither one of us speaking. His expression was totally unreadable, and I wished more than anything that he didn't hide his emotions quite so well. I searched for any confirmation, but saw nothing in his eyes. Sighing inwardly, I pushed my own feelings aside and dropped my hand.
I stood, gathering the robe around me. The tie was missing, so I held it closed over the short, black nightgown. "Stay here tonight, Leo," I offered, glancing away. "I mean, you're welcome to stay as long as you want so..."
I considered where I could get extra blankets for the sofa and my sentence trailed off as I walked past him. I came to an abrupt halt as he grabbed my arm. My hair fell in front of my face and I froze, completely still, not brushing it away. He said nothing. I wasn't sure I wanted to look at him. Not when we were this close. Something inside of me burned for him, and I was so afraid that I would do something I would regret. I didn't want to lose our friendship on some hope that it could be more wonderful than it already was. I didn't want to scare him.
Finally, I turned. My lips were only inches away from his. I felt the familiar fire spark inside of me and I wanted to look away, just to be safe. But something held me there, locked in his gaze. He turned my body to his and I pressed into him. His hand ran down, over my arm and my wrist, finally interlocking his fingers with mine. I didn't fully realize what was happening until our lips had already touched. I gasped in a quick breath and he hesitated. The air felt cool against the heat of our breath. He had kissed me. He was kissing me. That realization shocked and thrilled me at the same time. He'd done this, not me. I had wanted it, but I'd never thought...
His lips parted slightly, hesitantly, as if he were asking permission. I opened to him, my eyes sliding closed as the shock faded and I allowed my emotions to run free for just a moment. I felt like I was flying. He pulled me closer to him and I ran my tongue over his lips, remembering to be cautious. I needed to see how far he wanted to take this before I made any sudden moves. He opened his mouth and drew me inside of him, into the first real kiss I'd ever had in my life. The first time, in all my life, that I had wanted to take part in this. Our tongues met and swirled around each other, and I felt my heart melt. Oh god...
He pulled away sooner than I would've liked, but slowly. The hand that had been embracing me raised and brushed the side of my face, the backs of his fingers brushing against my hair. I searched for words as he studied me, pleading for a reaction. I knew my face displayed shock, and I didn't at all want him to think that was a bad thing.
"I didn't..." I struggled. "I mean..." I laughed nervously. For once, I had no idea how to voice everything I was feeling. "I don't know what to say to you."
"Say yes."
The realization hit me like a tidal wave. The pleading look in his eyes, hidden beneath a wall of insecurity, fear, worry... He wanted more. His hand ran down, over the side of my neck, carressing gently. I thought I would melt under his touch. His fingers traced the collar of the robe, down to the top of the nightgown beneath it, his eyes remaining locked on mine all the while.
Suddenly, I could see the desire. Without warning, it was suddenly perfectly evident. So evident that I wondered why the hell I hadn't seen it long ago. He wanted... no, not just wanted. Loved. He loved me. I knew that. Because I knew him. And I knew that he would never willingly do anything that he would regret. If we were to make love tonight, he wouldn't regret that.
Make love. To Leonardo. Those words in and of themselves made my insides quiver as they crossed my mind. His arms around me. His hands. His lips. His breath on my face. His body locked with mine. Oh god, I wanted him more than anything.
I leaned forward and kissed him again, releasing all the painful desire that had been building for so long. A logical part of me warned that this was not wise, that it would only cause pain later. But I couldn't think about that. Not now, with his arms around me and his lips against mine.
I rolled my shoulders back and the robe fell, catching on our hands. He released my hand and let it fall to the floor, running his fingers up my arms to the thin strap on my shoulders. The gown was thin, short, revealing, but he hadn't looked at it yet. His lips remained locked with mine and he met my level of passion.
I tilted my head back and he kissed my throat as his hands came to rest on my hips. "Yes..." I pleaded, arching into him. "Yes... Leo... oh god..."
His hands moved over the sheer fabric of the gown, over my hips and my sides, drawing it up. I tipped my head forward again and rested it on his shoulder, kissing at his neck. Was this really happening? Could I really do this? It didn't matter. I was doing it anyway, whether I was supposed to or not. Whether I was allowed to or not. Whether I should or not. We were in love. For the first time in my life, I was truly in love. And I wanted nothing more than to share that with him.
For just a few hours, I wanted to forget who I was. I wanted to be his lover, and nothing more. Just the two of us in the world, and nothing more to exist. Just once, to feel what so many people the world over took for granted as they laid in the arms of their spouses, as they felt love. I wanted that. I needed that. I knew he had it. And he was offering.
"Leonardo..."
His hand found my breast and I gasped as his thumb ran back and forth over the hardened nipples. Even through the gown, it felt incredible. I wanted to feel him. I wanted to love him. I wanted to be with him tonight. But I wanted to know that he wouldn't hate me for it, and that was the hardest part. I willed my emotions to pause and pulled away slightly. "Leo..."
His hands dropped to his sides and he took a step back, cutting his eyes to the floor. "I'm sorry," he stuttered.
I stared at him for a moment, surprised by his sudden retreat and not sure what he was sorry for. It didn't really matter. I smiled and raised my hand to the side of his neck. His skin was warm beneath my palm. "I just need to know one thing," I whispered.
"Anything," he nodded, raising his eyes to mine again.
"This isn't just a reaction, is it?" I pleaded. "To Splinter?"
He studied me closely for a moment. I watched him as he seriously considered that, then shook his head. "No," he finally answered. "No, I don't think so."
"Why?" I asked. "How do you know?"
Again, he was silent for a moment. "Because if it was, I would feel guilty."
I thought about that for a moment. I could see how it fit. If he were just using this as a recovery method, I could see how he wouldn't be comfortable with that. "And you don't feel guilty?" I whispered, taking a small step toward him. Our bodies pressed together again.
"No."
I smiled and found his hands, guiding them around my waist again. "How do you feel?" I breathed.
"At peace," he managed, his eyes drawn down to the gown that is the only thing separating us.
It was as if he'd just opened the floodgates to all the emotion that had been building for months. It was okay. He was telling me it was okay. I leaned in and kissed his neck lightly, just barely brushing his skin with my lips. He shuddered slightly beneath my touch. Yes...
Finally, after months of waiting and wanting, I let my hands roam free. "Excited?" I offered, tracing down the sides of his plastron. I reached the bottom and watched his expression as I reached up and inside of him. The very tips of my fingers brushed thin, fragile skin and his eyes slid closed in quiet abandon. His lips parted and his breath came heavier as he tilted his head back, instinctively. "Incredibly excited," he admitted.
I moaned slightly as I considered what was happening, then stood on my tiptoes to bring my lips to his, kissing him lightly. "Then why are you sorry?"
