Author's Note: For those of you who haven't figured it out yet; Heero is delusional. Wufei is not being evil and neither are the medics … it's all in our Hee-chan's head.

Same Disclaimers and Warnings apply.

' Thoughts or talking in mind'

"Spoken word"

'Chapter 3 ~ Insomnia Day 3'

 
 
//Drunk on ego
Truly thought I could make it right if I
kissed you one more time to
help you face the nightmare but you're
far too poisoned for me
such a fool to think that I could wake you from your slumber
That I could actually heal you//

My heart pounded furiously against my ribs as I finally allowed my knees to give way against the cool brick of a building side. I know not how far I've run or how late the hour has become. I only know it must be night for the muted colony lights create dusky shadows across the atmosphere. Usually my inner clock keeps faultless time, however the events of the past few days have my autopilot off kilter.

I must have looked like such a fool in that hospital room. Duo? Duo why didn't you open your eyes for me?  I know I'm being selfish, but isn't a man permitted one self-seeking appeal in his lifetime?  This must be some kind of cosmic retribution for all the innocent lives I affected during the war. I took from their lives those for whom they cared, and now it's my turn. One who disregards the existence of others doesn't deserve affection.

I feel so pathetic and worthless at this moment; sting an allay way of an industrial hellhole, surrounded by garbage and discarded cigarette butts. Why did I run from the one person who needs me most at this moment?

" Because you're useless."

There's that voice again! The one from the hospital room! For fear of being followed I reach discreetly for the gun tucked in the waist of my jeans. 

"I seriously recommend you do not do that."

My hand freezes in place and I slowly raise my eyes to scan the ally way. I appear to be alone, however; my instincts suggest otherwise.

"Show yourself!" I command, my body shaking in anger and frustration. My emotions are on high, I haven't slept in three days, and I am in no mood to be fucked with.

It laughs mockingly, "I am right here; and I am very much aware of your current emotional distress. I would offer my sympathies but I doubt it would do any good."

The voice resounds off the thick walls of the surrounding buildings; it sounds almost ominous, and I cannot determine its source. It instead echoes around me, wrapping my body in a shiver. In panic I turn to bolt but falter on a lingering paint can and plummet into a greasy puddle. Struggling to stand, I can hear it laughing at me again. I pause to gaze at my own reflection only to be astonished as it is grinning wildly back at me.

"So Soldier, this is what we've come to ne? Lying wet and exhausted in a sewer."

My lips moved. That voice is coming from my mouth. I am talking to myself!

"This is insane."

"Is it?"

"What the hell is the meaning of this? Who are you?"

It's laughing again, no I'm laughing. I am laughing at my own reflection.

" I am Heero Yuy."

"That's ludicrous. I don't know what you are or where you came from but you'd better stop fucking with me right now!"

I am on all fours in a puddle howling at my reflection. Duo, I expect I can't get any lower now ne? I have irrevocably lost my wits.

"My dear Soldier, haven't you figured it out yet? I am Heero Yuy, the psyche. Whereas you are merely a fabrication, I façade created through years of training that took control under the pretense of impending war. You are the Soldier I am the person. It is simple as that. As you are fatigued, I have emerged to be of assistance."

"The war ended. Why would the 'Solider,' as you put it, still be dominant?"

"That's a question I have pondered over for quite a while, I have deduced that our anxiety over social exposure has left our automatic defense mechanism, i.e. you, in the drivers seat."

"In other words, my fear of emotional discomfort has suppressed my true self?"

"Ah yes, now you understand."

My mirror image continues to smile slyly. I am not I, is that even possible? How can two beings exist in one body? This situation sounds like a dilemma for religious dogma and as I have no connection with any deity, I am at a loss as to what to do. The only divine body I have ever known belongs to one Duo Maxwell. Oh his body felt searing pressed against mine. Cold, wet, and kneeling in a pool of sludge; look at the perfect soldier now, utterly incapacitated and useless.  

A sizable pain is forming in the back of my skull and the will to continue this argument is diminishing. I am sick of gazing on a person I recognize as myself but in reality doesn't physically exist. I grab an empty soda can within reach and forcefully hurl it into the waiting pool. Throwing my head back I reach up and seize handfuls of my untidy locks and pull until I can feel the roots pinching as they release from the tender skin. I quiver uncontrollably and a shrill scream escapes my lips. My own unrecognizable cries echo around me; the stinging wetness behind my eyes trickles down my raw cheeks. 

He's doing this. The voice inside broke down the aqueducts and caused the tears to finally flow. For the first time in my existence raging passion descended from the cobalt orbs imbedded in my cranium. The cool air combined with the soaked clothing increased the shivering movements of my body. This pain, the stinging saltiness in my eyes, this is what it means to be alive. Quite frankly, it's almost laughable. Heero Yuy, learning how to repent. I can imagine how bizarre I look at this moment.    

"Let go Soldier, you are ill equipped to deal with this situation."

"No! No I will not relinquish control! You damaged Duo! You put those marks on his chest!"

" I did nothing of the sort. I would never lay a finger on Duo Maxwell… …. … I love him."

Now that caused my movements to cease as I gazed blankly into nothingness. Love? Is a person like me even capable of knowing what such an emotion is? If one part of me loves him than I must as well, correct? Hell none of this holds any logic nor is it going to save Duo. Absurd, me save him when I let him leave and journey to his potential death; further more I ran away from him just now didn't I? I left him behind to suffer alone.

"If you want to save him, turn off the defense apparatus, disable the autopilot and go back to his side. Take off the mask Heero, let me out."

Something willed my aching legs to move and begin the trek back in the direction form whence I came. Passing eyes glared and gaped at my disheveled appearance. They must know how pathetic I have become. The tears continued regardless of my efforts to restrict their flow. The stinging in my eyes became more and more agonizing as I wandered on; it was like a wound that refused to allow a tunicate. 

'There is no shame in love Soldier, I wish you'd recognize the fact and let me free.'

"No."

No, I am not releasing whatever rests inside my chaotic mind until I am assured that my angel will endure. I cannot guarantee that 'he' is not a hazard to Duo.

'Don't even trust yourself, Heero?'

"Hn."

This psyche of mine asks so many useless questions that I suppose 'he' must already have the answers to if 'he' is in fact 'me'. I could spend the rest of infinity speculating if I have at last achieved humanity or lunacy. 

' I was always here Soldier. Before you were created, I existed. I have witnessed every atrocity you have ever committed. I looked on as so many innocent lives were consumed in the blaze of your battle. I have been here for every waking and sleeping moment. I am the part of you that remembers what mother looks like. Wouldn't you like to be able to close your eyes and remember your mother? Wouldn't you like to be capable of weeping openly in the arms of your lover? I am the part of your soul that can give you that satisfaction.'

" I don't believe you."

I am freezing and still damp from my excursion in the puddle. All I want is to be dry and clean, but a Soldier can never be clean. I will wallow in the filth of my own bloody hell until the day I depart from this world. 

'There you go again. Oh angst, angst, angst! Is that all you ever plan to do? You think the Soldier has only suffered ne? Well I have had to wait and observe powerlessly your acts of destruction and violence against the human race; not to mention watching the man I love suffer without any control.'

I was beginning to noticeably stagger like a drunken fool along the path, bumping lifelessly into other pedestrians. All my energy focused on shutting down the relentless chatter beating at the walls of my skull. For the first time in my life I missed the sweet sound of silence. But moreover, I missed the sound of Duo's chatter. My top priority must be to watch over him.

'Soldier, really exorcise some common sense. It's late, it's dark, and we're out wondering the streets with no real direction. I cannot relay on your shattered instincts at the moment.'

"I will stay by Duo's side. I wouldn't have run if you hadn't caused me to act like a mad man."

'Don't blame me soldier boy. We both saw him move. Admittedly he responds to us, however thrashing him around like that isn't going to quicken his recovery. You're too rough under stress.'

I paused briefly and fell panting against a nearby rail. This internal argument is taking quite a toll on my judgment but alas I have no means to end it. A quick glance at my surroundings brings the realization that I am not more than a block from the hospital.

"I need to be there."

'It's not time to go back to him yet.'

"Give me one damn reason why I should take anything you say into consideration!?"

'Because my main concern is also Duo Maxwell's welfare, however we are useless to him in this condition! We have much to discuss before this night is over. Perhaps we'd better find someplace less public?'

Frantically I glance around before taking notice of a hotel directly across the way from the medical facility. Arguments are proving futile and honestly my legs ache as if they are about to dislodge from the sockets. Before I could consciously decide my final course of action my extremities had begun to carry me toward the entrance. I have never paid out of pocket for a room, but I suppose there is a first time for everything.

***

After presenting the cash to a burly man behind the counter I clutched my room key an ascended the winding staircase to the fifth floor room where I would spend the rest of the evening. The space was not altogether unpleasant, although obvious it had seen many inhabitants, all the necessities had been provided. A single bulb allowed faint artificial illumination to the small space, however it was hardly warm or comforting. I moved over to the large window overlooking the hospital and attempted to open the curtains. For some reason they wouldn't move.   

"Still afraid of the dark?"

"Shut up. If you're in my head, then you should already know. "

My tone wavered as I spoke. I had completely lost the ability to maintain my composure and that irritating individual pushing at the doors of my mind was taking full advantage of my weakened state.

Further examination revealed that the drapes had no rod, but had been tacked directly into the window frame. To open them would tare the fabric and leave me with the task of replacing them once the morning came. Defeated I found a comfortable spot on the full-sized bed in the center of the room and layback awaiting the others next move.

A compact alarm clock sat on the night table ticking in tedium as the hours slipped by my mind oddly and silently idle. I cannot say weather what lays inside is providing me time alone with my own thoughts, or has been driven back into the hole from which it came. But silence, like the night, is unwelcome in my refuge. Both remind me of the losses I have and will suffer.   

I allowed my thoughts to wonder back and rest upon the moments I had shared but a few months earlier with a loud-mouthed and brash American boy. His dark amethyst orbs hunted my confused mind. Memory only amplified my uncertainty over my feelings for my braided companion. Life without him had been lonesome and frustrating; but did that constitute love? The deeper into thought I fell them more I realized that time to decide was running short.

 The bed I lay on suddenly seemed unsatisfying. I missed Duo's comforting sent that lingered on the linens of my own bed. I soon found that I could not find rest and relaxation in the sparse hotel room. Thoughts became uncomforting and I focused my lazy gaze on the ceiling above, counting the lines in the plaster.

The swinging bulb directly above the bed began to flicker slightly. Something in my throat jumped in dread. The wicked light fizzled and dimmed quickly leaving me alone in the blackness. The dark has many meanings for a Soldier. It holds all the nightmares and fears that I keep locked away within its grasp. It brings back the horrors of drifting for days on end in the black hole of space. The phantoms of victims move toward me in the dark calling out for revenge. For all the hate and malice I sought to end, I have created a private hell for myself brought on by night.  

 Panic stricken, I leapt from the bed and bolted for the window, however the memory that the curtains were unmovable stopped me from preceding any further. Fumbling through the dark, I began to frantically search the small room for a flashlight or candles, but none turned up. I ripped the drawers from their sockets hurling them in all directions seeking a mere match.

 The 'psyche' chuckled within the hollow walls of my mind and the aftershock caused my knees to give way as I clutched my throbbing ears.   

' There is no place for you to hide here, is there Perfect Soldier? The night flattens the plane of existence and opens up the floodgates to your inner most secrets. I know them all and have little interest in tormenting you with your crimes. However I had to endure them as well. I have spent years locked away in absolute darkness with no hope of finding light, and you who have been given the pleasure of basking in the ominous glow of the morning rays every day hid in the blackness? I will not allow you to play the suffering servant anymore!'

I lay on the rough carpet, struggling and moaning under a sharp pain like so many small pins in my sides. What sort of sadistic son of a bitch lived inside my mind? If this person is me and I am him, then I suppose the better question is what kind of sick son of a bitch am I? Who the hell am I and why am I fighting with myself in the dark? Duo's out there, outside that window; and I want to see him NOW.

'No use in fighting me Soldier, I love him and I will do what is necessary for his survival.'

" ……… …….. ……. I will do what is necessary …… ……. …"

My lips move in a small and hardly audible whisper. The pain slowly subsides as I use the bed as leverage to push to my feet. The darkness in the room holds me in its embrace and I do not fear it. The fear it inflicts pales in the fear of losing Duo.

'I do not fear darkness. I have thrived in darkness for countless years and yearn for the light but do not fear the dark.'

" ……….. ………… ……. I will not fear the dark ……. ……… ….."

'I will find the light Soldier. Mark my words, I will find the light.'

With all the strength that was left in my useless body, I rushed for the drapes and clawed until they ripped and tore under the strain. The dim light of the colony ' sun rise' penetrated the dark room. The dim light of the colony 'sun rise' entered the room. It illuminated the adjoining building and with much relief I fixed my eyes on the structure I knew I would find my salvation, all the while grinning like a madman.

" …………. ……….. ………. I will love him." 

 //Sleeping beauty

Poisoned and hopeless//

TBC… … …

What the hell did I just write? Grr! Ok internal struggle causes Heero to go skitzo. I dunno about this one folks! Let me know what you think and I'll try to fix this mess in the mean time!! For all those waiting on the love plot it's on its way!

 ok so there's more to come!! Thank you sooo much to all my reviewers!!

Special thanks to Elentari Endless my new beta, w/out her help this chapter wouldn't have gotten posted…

Oh and Lynne * waves hi* have to thank her too, even thought she probably won't like the way this turned out * ducks and hides*