Dear Diary,
I finally gave into Matt's whining. We had sex last night. Of course, I enjoyed it a little, but… it wasn't the same. Usually it's…erotic and beautiful, or just plain raunchy and wild, but last night it wasn't either. It was just…blah… I wanted it to be over with after the first ten minutes. Usually I'm begging him not to stop. I don't know what it is with me… maybe I'm PMSing? I don't know but I want to change… I hate seeing Matt hurt. And I hate being the one hurting him.
~ Amy
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Dear Diary,
I asked Matt to tell me exactly how he feels about me. He told me exactly this: "I love you more than anything, and I thank God everyday for blessing me with such a beautiful person. You truly mean the world to me, and I don't know what I did to deserve you… but I'm happy you're here. I don't know where I'd be without you, Red." And then he kissed me. I could've died right there. I don't know what it was. Maybe I could've died because of what he said, or how he was kissing me. Or maybe I could've died because he was kissing me and I wanted him to stop…or maybe I could've died because I'm being the only raging bitch and he's still in love with me. Or maybe… just maybe… I could've died because… I don't feel the same way about him…
~ Amy
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Dear Diary,
I've had it. Matt made no physical or social contact with me today. Every time I looked at him he was already looking at me with this depressed look on his face. Then he would look down. I wanted to kill myself. I should just break up with him. He deserves so much better than me. He deserves someone like…Stacy. Stacy who's a total airhead, but would never think the things I'm thinking. I wish I could just spill my heart out to Matt… tell him exactly how I feel. I just want him to understand…but how could he understand if I don't? I hate him and yet I love him so much. God, I'm in such emotional pain.
~ Amy
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Dear Diary,
I figured if I couldn't tell Matt the way I feel about him… I could tell someone else. I talked to Torrie. She told me she felt the same about Shannon – her off-screen beau. But she talked to him and they worked things out. I'm not sure if I can do that with Matt. I don't think I have the guts to. I hope I made the right decision in spilling my heart out to Torrie. She's a really nice and understanding person. I really don't have a best friend to tell things to. Well, not a best girlfriend. I sure wasn't going to tell any of the guys. They're Matt's best friends, as well as mine, and they would just overreact. Maybe I should've told Stephanie… or even Jacqueline. I hope Torrie doesn't say anything. She promised me she wouldn't, and she told me she never breaks a promise. I hope she's not lying.
~ Amy
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Dear Diary,
I'm not absolutely sure… but I think Adam was flirting with me. A girl should know when a guy is flirting with her, but I'm not so sure. Adam is one of my best friends… he should know better then to do so. I don't know. I find him incredibly sexy, although I would never think of taking our relationship any further than friends. Matt was there, too. He didn't even notice anything. Whatever… I'm sick of Matt already.
~ Amy
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Dear Diary,
Matt hit me today. He didn't do it on purpose, though. Matt has the tendencies to talk with his hands, and I kind of got in the way when he was in a very deep conversation with Jeff. He whacked me right in the face. Jeff found it hilarious, but it hurt like hell. Have you ever seen the size of Matt's arm? Oh, man I saw monkeys! He apologized and kissed me again and again. He hit me so hard, my eyes started tearing and he thought I was crying, so he felt like shit. I'm kind of glad this all happened… now maybe he can be depressed, too.
~ Amy
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Dear Diary,
It's been almost a month since I've written in you and I've been a very, very bad girl. I don't know what sets me off but I've been doing some fucked up shit to Matt. I 'accidentally' punctured the vein in his wrist.
I was writing something down – I forget what it was – and Matt was lying next to me. He was on the phone with Shane (Helms) and I don't know what got into me… I just took the pen and stabbed him as hard as I could. He screamed and I watched the blood flow from his wrist. He hung up with Shane and asked me what the hell was wrong with me. I put on a crying act and pretended it was all an accident. He felt bad… you know, seeing me cry and all… and he told me it was okay – no big deal. Yeah right. I'm starting to scare myself. I feel like Victoria or something.
~ Amy
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Dear Diary,
Matt's walking around with a bandage on his wrist. Every time I go to hold his hand, I make sure to squeeze his wrist first. He flinches, but I pretend not to notice and I smile at him. I like to see him hurt .
~ Amy
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Dear Diary,
It's been about a week and a half since my last entry. I've just been so busy. We're in Toronto now.
I just finished reading my last couple of pages, and I am baptizing my poor diary with my tears. I can't believe I wrote 'I like to see him hurt' in my last entry. I hate to see Matt hurt! What the hell was wrong with me? Why did I do the things I did to him? I'm such a fucking stupid bitch. I hope Matt hates me… I hate me. I love Matt so much! I love him, I love him, I love him, and I want to make everything up to him. I'll make sure I do.
~ Amy
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Dear Diary,
I treated Matt like a king today. He deserved it… I've been such an asshole to him. I hope he forgives me.
~ Amy
