Disclaimer:  Aristophanes owns the plot idea (but he's long dead so I don't think he'll mind me borrowing it for a bit), and I doubt their current owners would recognize any of these characters.

Summary: the women of the ER have had enough with the men getting all the good plots on the show – and reenact Lysistrata in order to get control back. (If you haven't read the play it's a Greek comedy about the women of Athens going on sex strike to stop a war).

Note: Er…I have no idea what possessed me to write this. Blame Kenziegal for it ever being posted at all.  It's all her fault.  Spoilers of a sort for the season finale, I guess. 

Act 1:

Scene 1: The Doctor's Lounge in the ER. An irritated Kerry Weaver is muttering to herself.

Kerry: If I had called them all together for a cocktail party you know they'd be here. Especially Susan. And Abby. And Chen.  Well, the whole lot of them. None of them can resist drinks with umbrellas.  Or drinks of any sort.

Susan and Abby peer round the door. Weaver looks happier.

Kerry: Enter.  You're the first.

Abby and Susan enter, settle down. Gradually all the women of the ER filter in, one by one, wondering what is going on. Weaver waits until everyone is there and then takes the floor.

Kerry:  I have called you all together for an important meeting.  A very important meeting; one that could affect all our futures. 

Susan: Will you be serving drinks? 

Kerry (sternly): No.  No drinks.

Susan:  I have an emergency pitcher of margaritas in my locker if you forgot to bring any.

Everyone (Abby especially):  Quick, to Susan's locker. 

Kerry (leaping in front of locker):  NO! NO! You must hear what I have to say.

Her audience looks sullen, but respects her authority and the mighty reach of her crutch enough to back off a little.

Kerry:  Have you ever noticed something odd about this place?

Chen: Just one thing?  I can think of a dozen…our missing security team for one, the amount of screen time Pratt gets for another.

Kerry: I don't mean that.  Have you ever counted the amount of times this ER has been reunited? And that it's always being reunited by a hero?  Never a heroine.  And that the guys always get better stories?  There's Carter and Luka off saving the world, while we get to sit at home and hold things together. But do we get solo episodes?  Not on your life.

Elizabeth:  But…that's just the way it is.  That's the way the stories work. And the NBC promo guy only has three things he can say: either the ER is reunited, or it's a very special ER, or it's an ER to cherish.

Kerry: Don't you want to see a change?  Wouldn't you like a plot apart from being Mark's widow and Romano's possible love interest?

Elizabeth looks interested, thinks about a new world of possibilities.

Chen:  At least she's not set dressing.  All I get to do is follow Pratt around. Abby's the only one with a plot around here.

Abby:  But the bastards saddled me with a crazy brother and mother. And an alcohol problem so I can't even drink to forget without the music of impending doom playing. I want some fun.  I want to mess around with some youthful med student instead of having to endure endless pain.

Chen: But you have a plot; what I wouldn't give for an insane family.  Everyone else has one; why not me?

Susan:  Well, they promised me an athletic, handsome type for my husband…and I got Chuck. Why? Was Antonio Banderas too expensive? What about Keanu Reeves? 

Kerry: And what about my birth mother?  And my pregnancy story? And Sandy?  I haven't seen her for months.

Everyone mutters a little. 

Susan: But what can we do about it?  We're just women.  Against the powers that rule this universe we are powerless, cogs in the wheel of fate.

Kerry:  I have a plan. You might not like it, but I think it will work.

Everyone:  What is it?  Tell us, tell us, tell us!  We want plots.

Kerry (pauses for effect):  We must, we must, we must…have nothing to do with the men on this show until we get what we want. Decent plots that don't involve us being feeble, power-hungry, saddled with loopy families, or formerly sexually harassing bosses.

Abby (raises hand):  By nothing, do you mean nothing at all?  No contact of any sort? No sex?

Kerry: Yes.

Abby: I was afraid of that.

Susan: What are you worried about?  It's not like you're getting any at the moment. Carter's several thousand miles away and so is Luka.

Chen: Can we have sex if it means nothing and we're not emotionally involved?

Kerry:  No!  The idea is to drive the story to a complete standstill; no more pairings of any sort.  Once they realize we won't co-operate with their nefarious scheming, they'll have to give us better stories.

A moment's silence falls over the room.  Then Susan stands up.

Susan: I'll do it. And so will Abby.

Abby: I will? 

Susan: You will.  Otherwise no more lesbian experimentation for you.  (Kerry looks interested at this and decides to take part in the next girls' night out).

Abby (rolls eyes, pouts):  Okay.

Chen (and everyone else): Me too.  I want a story.

Kerry (solemnly):  You must all swear to this.  (She reaches into her pocket, takes out small picture of Gloria Steinem).  Swear on this icon, this holy image.  Repeat after me:  I will have nothing to do with any man on this show, no matter how attractive, how brooding, how hot, or how cute he looks, until the writers come up with something better for us.

Everyone swears to this.  They look pleased with themselves; it's a new era dawning. They head out of the lounge clapping each other on the back.

Carter and Luka burst through the ER doors.  Both look rumpled, sweaty and slightly unshaven. They reek of righteous deeds done, people saved, manhood restored in the fires of war.

Carter: Abbeee!  I have returned. Behold my sweaty, war induced manliness.

Abby whimpers a bit, looks at the other women. 

All the other women: Be strong! Remember your oath!  Remember the sisterhood!

She approaches him and Luka tentatively.  Hesitates a little, then gains some confidence. 

Abby:  Have fun?

Carter (in strong ringing tones):  No!  I was saving the sick and defenseless of Africa.  And I didn't even get lucky once. (Looks meaningfully at Luka as he says this).  I have returned for you.  Come, let's head off to my mansion on the hill and frolic in my bedroom. 

Abby:  Returned for moi?  But you didn't even say goodbye. 

Carter:  I was in a deep depression; but I have found myself.  I now know my true destiny: to save the poor, to resist the evil lure of riches, to don the stethoscope of justice whenever Luka can spare it.

Abby comes closer, sniffs a little at him.

Abby: Why do you smell of coconut oil?

Carter: Er…it keeps the mosquitoes away?  Yes that's it; it keeps the mosquitoes away and cures Beri Beri, whatever that is.

Abby looks suspicious. 

Luka: You know if you're not that keen on Carter at the moment, I'm available.  And unlike him, I can brood.  (He broods a little to prove this. Chuny sighs in the background). And besides you owe me babies. Many babies. 

Carter:  Noooo!  I can't lose another woman. They're always leaving me on this show; my masculinity is under threat once more.  Abbeee, come with me and help me spend the Carter fortune. We can play with the fuzzy handcuffs that I have at home.

Abby:  I thought you were rejecting riches?

Carter: Not all of them.  Thought I'd keep a few million or so.

Susan (in the background):  Come on, move the plot along a little; the readers are getting bored.

Abby looks at Carter, looks at Luka.  Suddenly dives into Carter's pocket and pulls out a lei.

Abby: I thought you went to Africa?

Carter and Luka: We did, we did!

Chen:  There where did the lei come from?  Looks a lot like the ones you get in Hawaii.

Carter: Well the directions we got weren't very good…

Luka: And we didn't like to ask anyone the way…

Carter: And you know that Hawaii looks a lot like Africa when viewed under the right light.

Kerry: So, basically, the two of you spent two weeks on the beach?

Carter: It wasn't all fun and games.  Luka got a nasty sunburn and I got bitten by a crab. And, more importantly, look at us!  We're all nicely rumpled and sweaty and so very manly that no woman could resist us.

Abby: That's what you think. (She scurries back to the other women).  Back, back, I say.  I'm having nothing to do with either one of you until I get a happy story of my own.

The women cheer.

Luka (broods a bit more):  Susan?  What about you?  I always thought we could have something together. 

Susan:  Back off mister.  And no brooding at me.  I'm immune. And besides, Abby, Chen, and I are considering changing teams. This show could do with more lesbians anyway. I bet the ratings would shoot up. It worked for Buffy.

At this point Romano and Pratt sweep into the ER just in time to hear this last statement.

Pratt: Chen, say it ain't so. Say you can't resist my confident charms!  I'm so very smooth and cocky that no one can resist me.

Chen:  Want to bet?  I'm just ready for a story of my own.  And besides I prefer Gallant anyway.

Romano:  I knew it, I knew it, I just knew women weren't to be trusted. Apart from my own dear Lizzie that is…Lizzie come to me in my hour of need. Mop my brow, comfort me as I endure the agony of career failure.

Elizabeth:  It's bloody Elizabeth, Elizabeth.  How many times do I have to tell you that?  And I'm still getting over the passionless disaster that was my marriage with Mark.  I think I'm joining Susan, Abby and Chen.

All the men: The horror, the horror.