A/N: deSevera - genius? 20 points to Slytherin!

Ariana - All questions will eventually be answered. :D

Bobbi - glad to see that you're hanging in there with us!

Jig - you can always come to Maine to see it with me.

Lauren - thank you and welcome to the chapter of major angst!



Quote of the week, in honor of CoS opening this weekend:

"D'you think we've got nothing better to do in Potions than listen to Snape?" - Ron to Hermione in Chamber of Secrets.







Confessions of a Death Eater ~*~





'She's uncertain if she likes him, but she knows she really loves him....' - D. Bowie





Snape was in his rooms that evening, contemplating his relationship that was evolving with Lorien, and he knew that she would be here soon to spend the remainder of the evening with him. It wasn't that he didn't look forward to her visit, he certainly did, but he frowned to himself for just a moment as he thought of the problems that were nagging at him.

Lorien and he had yet to discuss his past in any great detail, but he knew ultimately it was a conversation that they were going to have. He dreaded the thought of telling her about it, and he worried that she might not feel the same way about him once she knew the entire truth. Not, of course, that he'd blame her.

The other problem involved Halloween. Lorien and he had not spoken much about what had happened that night on the Ministry roof, and he knew it was inevitable that they were going to have to discuss the fact that Ian Fincastle was dead.

Well, not so much that Fincastle was dead, but more the fact that Snape had killed him.





It was obvious to Snape that Lorien was in a good mood as she came to his rooms that night and greeted him warmly.

"Good evening, Severus." She said cheerfully, and she wrapped her arms around his neck.

He put his arms around her. "What, may I ask, has put you in such a good frame of mind tonight?"

Lorien suddenly realized that telling him the reason she was in a good mood was because of the progress she was making with Harry Potter did not seem like a good idea. "Oh, I just had a really good day." She replied casually.

"I see." He bent and started kissing her neck. "And what is it that you suddenly decided that you were not going to share with me?" He asked with a hint of suspicion.

"Stop that." She said without meaning it.

"Stop? I don't recall hearing that from you before." He mused as he continued. "Is there some great secret?" He persisted.

Lorien sighed. "No. You just wouldn't like my answer."

Snape could tell by the tone of her voice that she was serious, and he held her at arms length to look at her. "What?" He asked, suspicious that this could have something to do with Remus Lupin.

"It's about Harry Potter." She said quietly, knowing how he was going to react already.

Wrong Gryffindor, but still annoying as hell. Something in his eyes darkened as he spoke. "Potter? What does Potter have to do with anything?"

Lorien knew that this might get ugly. "He's shown a great potential for doing wandless magic, and I....."

"You couldn't resist the chance to step in and play mentor, could you?" Snape cut her off with his question. "How typical of a Ravenclaw." He sneered at her.

She tried to hold her ground. "He needs guidance, Severus. I've been trying....."

He cut her off again sharply. "What he needs, Lorien, is for you to stop treating him like a prima donna, and realize how arrogant and reckless he can be."

"Stop it!" Lorien was frustrated. "Severus, I know you don't like Harry, and I don't care. I don't care that you don't like Remus or Sirius or Harry's father, or any of that, but I do care when you try to influence what I think."

He wasn't going to back down from her. "Well, while we're on the subject of annoying and arrogant Gryffindors, and we're being so candid, I might as well tell you that I don't care for you spending time with those two either." He snarled at her and let go.

She held her temper in check with an effort and tried to speak evenly. She knew what a touchy subject they had just stumbled onto. "I know you don't like it, but Remus and Sirius are good friends, and nothing is going to change that. There's no reason why I can't feel the way I do about you and not still maintain my friendship with them."

She moved closer again and spoke more softly, choosing a different tactic. "I chose to be with you because of how strongly I feel about you, Severus." She said gently, but then her voice took on a pained quality. "Please don't make me choose between you again."

Snape was ready with another caustic remark as she had started speaking, but when she declared her feelings openly it left him speechless.

'Say something you idiot!' He thought to himself. 'Apologize to her. Tell her how you feel.' He said nothing.

Lorien could tell he was struggling with something and she placed her hands on his. "Did you hear what I said?" She asked.

"Yes." His voice wavered as he answered.

She looked into the ebony eyes and saw something there she had never seen in him before. It flickered across for only a fleeting moment and then it was gone, but she had glimpsed enough of it to know what it was. It was fear.

Lorien moved to put her arms around him. "It's alright." She said as she embraced him, and laid her head on his chest. She felt him hesitantly put his arms back around her. "I do love you, Severus." She said softly.

"Lorien..." He could only manage her name.

"Does that scare you?" She asked as she held him.

"Yes." He admitted. Terrified him was more like it. He wasn't familiar with being the object of such strong attachment.

"I understand." She said quietly, listening to the quickened pace of the heart beneath the black robes.

He finally raised the courage to say something to her. "Do you want to know what scares me even more?" His voice was barely more than a whisper.

She tightened her embrace. "Yes. Tell me."

He rested his cheek against her head a little before he answered her. Merlin's beard! He was actually going to say this. "The thought of losing you." He replied.

"Why would you lose me, Severus? I don't have plans to go anywhere." Lorien said reassuringly.

Snape hesitated and then finally spoke again. "I'm more concerned that I'll scare you away. There are things that you still don't know...." He trailed off, losing a little of his nerve.

Lorien felt a familiar but unwelcome feeling of dread creeping up on her, and it reminded her of the night she found out he was a Death Eater. She knew that this must have to do with that same topic as well. They'd never discussed it and she knew they needed to.

"We need to talk, don't we?" She asked stepping back and looking up at him.

He only nodded, and his eyes flicked in the direction of the fireplace, indicating that they should sit.

Lorien took her chair and moved it closer to his and then sat down. They sat in silence together for a few moments, and she drew a deep breath and then released it. "Do you want to tell me or should I ask?"

Snape answered as he looked into the fire. "It would be best if you asked what you feel you need to know." He didn't want to volunteer any more detail than was absolutely necessary.

Lorien drew her legs up underneath her and sat curled up in the chair for several long minutes, toying with a ring and deciding where to begin. This was not going to be easy for either one of them. She watched Severus staring into the fire for a moment and decided to get it over with.

"Severus?"

"Yes?" He answered without looking at her.

"How long were you a Death Eater?" She began with the easiest question for both of them to deal with.

He answered in a detached manner, still gazing into the fire. "Almost three years."

Lorien nodded. That made sense. He'd probably joined their ranks when he left Hogwarts, and she knew that he'd already defected back to the other side by the time Voldemort fell. "But, part of that time you were a spy for Dumbledore?" She asked.

"Not long enough." He said hoarsely.

Lorien braced herself for the next question. She tried to word it delicately. "Did you ever hurt anyone?" She ventured.

His eyes went to her briefly and then back to the fire. Damn. They should have opened a bottle of wine. No, something stronger. Something mind-numbingly strong that would have made telling her the truth easier. "Hurt?" He asked. "Do you mean rape, torture, kill? Be specific, Lorien." He said somewhat bitterly.

Fine, she'd be specific. She swallowed hard and went on. Where did you start with something like this? "Have you ever raped anyone, Severus?" Her voice sounded weak and unsteady.

"Huh." He snorted. "No." Was all he said.

'Okay, that's at least something.' Lorien thought to herself. "Have you tortured anyone?" She asked next, surprised that the next question came out so easily. She might as well have been asking his favorite color. It was a ridiculous question anyway...

"Yes." He replied without looking at her still.

Lorien felt herself cringe with the single word answer. It was his first admission in front of her and it brought the reality of the situation home to roost. Lorien's heart rate quickened and she tried to keep her voice steady without much success. "Why?" She asked. It was the first thing she now needed to know.

He ran a hand back through his hair. "I was instructed to. We often had need of information that certain captives of ours had, and it seems that I developed a talent for...extracting it."

She pressed her fingers to her temples for a moment, trying to deal with this answer, before going on. How bad was this going to get? She knew that he'd probably done some awful things, after all, what Death Eater hadn't? Still, hearing the answers coming from the man she had become so attached to was thoroughly upsetting. She braced herself and spoke. "You used the Cruciatus curse?" She asked, hearing the voice in her head repeatedly begging 'no, no...say no.'

"Rarely."

Not what she'd hoped for.

She knew that her face dropped when he answered. She was doing her best to discuss this rationally, but the thought that they weren't speaking of someone else, that they were actually speaking of what the man sitting before her had done, was starting to unnerve her.

Snape continued, briefly. "Mostly it was used by others for sport." He spat the last word. "It really is quite useless when it comes to intelligence gathering. It often leaves the victim too incapacitated to be...useful." He knew from experience what the curse was like.

"I see." She said, very quietly. "Did you..." Merlin, she hated to ask this. No, she DREADED asking this. "Did you enjoy it?" She heard the words leave her lips before she was ready for the answer, but then again, when would that ever be?

"Interrogating aurors?" He laughed a little without mirth. "I guess you could say it wasn't so much that I enjoyed it as I took great satisfaction in a job well done." He sneered as he spoke, and Lorien could tell by his eyes that it was mostly at himself.

Lorien nodded, feeling her throat tighten, and she had to compose herself before going to the next question. This was getting worse and worse, and she didn't have the nerve to ask for the details that he obviously wasn't volunteering. Maybe that was best for now. It was already rattling her that Severus had been capable of such things. It was now becoming painfully apparent that the man she found so intriguing, so brilliant, so seductive...the man she had come to trust, to confide in, to love..had been a monster.

Lorien scolded herself bitterly as she sat there. 'But you should have known. You should have known exactly what that Mark meant the first night you saw it.' Had she been in denial about the possibility? Or was it that she knew he was now someone different from the person that had done those terrible things?

Was he?

Lorien frightened herself even more with that thought. Was he still capable of such things? She didn't have the answer, and there was another question she needed to have the answer to first.

When she looked at him again she could see that he was watching her with wary eyes. He knew what she was going to ask. Her eyes met his, and she steeled herself. She had to know. They had to deal with this. "Did you kill anyone?" She asked, her voice rising barely above a choked whisper.

He didn't avert his gaze, but looked at her steadily, almost defying her to accept his answer. "Yes."

Lorien suddenly felt ill and her hand gripped the arm of the chair. She'd already known what his answer probably was going to be, but it was different now that he had actually admitted it. She closed her eyes when she spoke, and continued their morbid game of twenty questions. "How many, Severus?" She whispered.

"Probably dozens." He said evenly. It was easier to answer her now that she knew.

Lorien's eyes opened and she looked at him with horror. "Probably?" You mean you don't know?" She felt herself getting angry. "How could you not know? It wasn't important enough to keep track of?" She snarled.

He had no trouble dealing with her reaction. It was exactly what he'd expected. "I have no way of knowing, Lorien." He said quietly.

"Why not?" She asked, as she felt her hands shaking with anger and gripped the chair tighter.

"I wasn't there when they died. The executions and assassinations were carried out by others. I merely contributed the means in many cases." He replied calmly.

Lorien frowned. "I...I don't understand." She said, wrapping her arms around herself. The dungeon felt very cold at that moment.

He spoke again softly. "Lorien, in addition to my.....interrogation skills, my greatest talents at that time as well included potion brewing. There were many horrible things that I created upon demand, and not least among them were deadly poisons. I never had the predisposition for murder. It was a way that I served the dark lord but was able to remain...detached."

Lorien sat there struggling with what he had told her. She hung her head and buried her face in her hands for several long minutes. She now knew for certain that her lover had been a killer. She spoke again when she looked up, and there were tears in her eyes. "And what about now? Do you still feel detached from it all? From all those people that died?"

Snape shook his head. "No, Lorien. I haven't for almost fifteen years. It's taken me that long to feel that I have been able to earn some small measure of redemption. Now you understand why I had to take the chance of returning to Voldemort in the fall."

He watched her warily now, expecting her to finally react to the magnitude of what he had told her. She was horrified, he knew, and he fully expected that that horror would evolve into loathing. He sat waiting anxiously for her reaction, daring to hope that she might not end up hating him.

Lorien, was now distraught. Part of her wanted desperately to stay by his side and show him that she could still accept him - that she still wanted him, but the remainder of her was reeling with what she'd learned. The cold hard truth had just been slammed down on the table in front of her, and she was having trouble with what she'd decided. The tears came more freely now, and as she realized that the man who's arms she had been in just moments before, had been a heartless, detached killer, she came undone.

Still tearful, Lorien leaped to her feet and ran towards the door, wanting to put as much distance as possible between herself and the dungeon. She would have made it if Snape hadn't been anticipating her response. He was out of his chair and at the door before she could pull it open, and he threw his arms around her and dragged her against him.

"No!" She cried, trying unsuccessfully to pull away from him. He was too strong for her. "Let go." She sobbed, but he held onto her doggedly.

"Lorien." He spoke her name softly as she pushed against his chest, trying to free herself. He tightened his grip. He wasn't letting go. He knew that if she left, there was a good possibility she wouldn't come back. "Lorien!" He repeated more urgently, nearly crushing her against him.

She finally relented, and still crying, leaned against him weakly and let him support her.

He said nothing for several long minutes, and then he spoke in a harsh whisper. "Don't go." He couldn't let her. It was selfish, he knew, but he didn't care. He wasn't going to stand by and do nothing this time, and he sure as hell was going to fight for one of the few good things that had happened in his life. Maybe he didn't deserve her, but that was just too damn bad.

Lorien still wanted to leave, but her emotions had gotten the better of her, and as upset as she was, if Snape let go of her at that moment, she knew she might not stay on her feet. She stayed where she was, sobbing against him, tears wetting the black robes where she had her face buried against his chest.

Snape knew that they were at a critical juncture, and that what he said to her in the next few minutes would determine if she stayed or if she went. He had to get her to stay. He couldn't lose her now, not after things had just started to feel...right.

"Lorien," he began, very gently. "I know how terrible all of this must be for you, but I ask only that you listen to me for a moment longer." He said. "Hear me out, and if you still want to leave after what I have to say, I'll let you go."

"Alright." Came the reply from her through her tears. She wouldn't look at him.

He held her there quietly, and then choosing his words carefully, he began. "I have no excuses for what I did," he said, "only explanations. I suppose the best way to explain things is to tell you that I took no responsibility for anything that I did in those early days." She remained quiescent, and so he continued.

"I was very young, again not that that's an excuse, but coupled with the fact that I was reckless and arrogant, it led to a lot of things that never should have happened. It was easy to shrug the responsibility for what I did onto someone else's shoulders, especially when I didn't have to see the consequences. It made what I did seem so much less tangible, so much less real, that it was easier to continue."

Snape took a deep unsteady breath and went on. "I think that even at the beginning, Voldemort sensed that I would balk at continuing with what I'd started if I had a chance to witness the consequences, and so he was very careful to keep me in the shadows to do his bidding, and not to let me see the...results. All the while he played to my very young and very foolish ego, constantly praising me for my work, telling me how talented, how strong, how clever I was. It was all true, but unfortunately I reveled in the fact that I had become so important, and I used my talents tirelessly to please the dark lord."

He could tell that Lorien had stopped crying as much, and was listening to him carefully. "Things went on that way for a while, but gradually as he became even more powerful, Voldemort became more terrible, and more cruel, even to his most devoted followers. It wasn't long before it didn't matter how clever or talented I was. If I incurred his displeasure, I paid the price, and fear became another way of keeping me where he needed me." Snape became quiet again at the unpleasant memories.

"Go on." Lorien said very quietly after a moment.

Snape took a breath and blew it out sharply, and then went on. "There came a day where it finally became apparent to me exactly what the consequences of what I had been doing were. The details would take some time to tell, and ultimately they really aren't important. Suffice it to say that I was devastated, and utterly horrified by the magnitude of what I'd contributed to." His voice dropped a little. "I was overwhelmed with guilt, and I very nearly took my own life."

Lorien suddenly looked up at him. "Did you?" She asked, apparently surprised by the thought.

Snape nodded. "It would have been easy, really. There are some very simple, painless poisons..." He trailed off.

"What stopped you?" She asked very quietly.

"More guilt. It would have been an easy way out of things for me, and I was determined not to give myself that luxury." He said flatly. "I changed alliances after that, and it was easy in those days to face the risk of spying because I just didn't care if I lived or not, and I needed to do anything that I could to try to make up for what I'd done."

"But Severus," she said, "what about October? You took the most dangerous risk fifteen years later?"

He nodded solemnly. "How long do you think it takes to atone for the types of things I've done?" He asked her coldly.

"I don't know." She answered softly, not looking at him again.

"Neither do I. I'll let you know if I ever reach that point." He said, a trace of bitter sarcasm creeping into his words.

Lorien was quiet for a moment and then looked up at him again. "How long did it take you to care about living again?"

His voice was ice when he answered her. "You're making the assumption that I do."

Lorien didn't know what to say.

He saw the look on her face, and softened his tone. "There hasn't been a day that goes by that the thought doesn't cross my mind, Lorien. I'd be lying to you if I said otherwise."

She had tears in her eyes again. "Surely you must want to live? Surely by now you have enough reasons not to...." She couldn't say it.

He nodded slowly. "It used to be a struggle each and every day to decide whether or not to go on, but at this point it's usually just a passing thought that I dismiss quickly enough. Especially..." He stopped and finally let go of her, standing there silently for a long moment. "You are free to go if you wish, Lorien." Was all he said as he turned away.

"Especially what, Severus?" She asked, speaking to him after he turned his back to her.

"Nothing." He hissed quietly, and she heard the waiver in his usually controlled voice.

"Tell me." She said, taking a step forward and placing a hand on his arm.

He didn't face her, but he didn't pull away either. "Especially since I met you." He said quietly.

Lorien was still horrified at what Snape had told her he had done, but it was becoming clear just how profoundly remorseful and full of regret he was. It was also becoming clear just how much he cared about her, and how much he feared losing her. He was probably expecting her to turn and run from him as she almost had.

Almost.

Lorien spoke quietly. "You're someone different now, aren't you?"

"Yes." He spoke the single syllable softly.

She thought for a minute. He had never given her any reason to doubt that the heartless killer he'd been was long gone for many years. Was it really time for her to lose faith in him? Dumbledore obviously never had, why should she?

"Severus." She spoke his name and tugged on his elbow a little to get him to face her. He turned to look at her warily.

She looked into the midnight eyes and spoke the words that he needed to hear and that she needed to say. "I won't leave you."

The look of relief in his eyes nearly broke her heart, and she went straight to his arms. He reacted quickly and pulled her against him, hugging her close as she buried her head under his chin. "Lorien...I...." He hesitated.

"I won't leave you." She repeated, tightening her grip on him. She knew that there was one more thing she needed to ask him about, but she'd already made up her mind. She needed to stay.

Finally she was ready for a last question. "Severus, what about Ian Fincastle?" She asked, and blue eyes looked up into black ones.

Snape cringed despite the fact that she had her arms around him. So there it was. The unavoidable question. He had told her he hadn't directly murdered anyone, and prayed that simple technicality would be enough to preserve some fraction of her affection for him, but now she had confronted him with murder he had indeed committed. And, it was a murder she'd been witness to.

"I had to, Lorien. It was the only way." He said quietly, and the rest of the confession spilled from his lips unchecked. "I couldn't stand the thought of him threatening you. It was awful for me to lose Ursa all those years ago, but the thought of him possibly killing... you, was too much for me to bear. I had to kill him."

Snape looked away. "If it makes any difference in anything I've told you.....in anything you feel about me," he began in a voice choked with uncharacteristic emotion, "it's the only time I have ever spoken the words 'avada kedavra'."

Lorien didn't know exactly why, with all the things he had told her, but for some reason this made a great deal of difference for her. "Is this the truth?" She asked, reaching up to turn his face back to her.

His eyes met hers. "I swear it." He whispered.

She was close to tears but gave him a tiny smile. "I believe you, Severus."

He looked down at the floor and shook his head.

"Severus, I said I believe you." She repeated, seeing his disbelief.

"No, it's not that." He said, with a bitter laugh.

"Then what?" She asked, confused at his reaction.

When he looked up at her his hair was still hanging in his face and she reached up to smooth it back. He closed his eyes and was grateful for the reassuring gesture. "It just occurred to me that the most emotional moment I have ever experienced with a woman was just now when I told her I cared about her enough to kill for her."

Lorien touched his face and he opened his eyes again. "You don't see me laughing do you?" She said and drew him closer.

He held her as they stood there together for several long minutes in silence, both emotionally drained and exhausted. Finally he held her away at arm's length to look at her. "You would stay after everything I've told you?"

She gave him a small smile. "Yes, Severus." She said in a tired but reassuring voice.

He nodded once. "Then, I believe I owe you one more confession," he said in a soft but determined voice.

"What?" She asked, worried about what else he could possibly tell her.

He placed his fingers under her chin, and looked into her eyes for a long moment before he spoke. "I love you, Lorien." He said, and then he kissed her tenderly, folding her into the soft black robes as he wrapped his arms around her.









A/N: Just my take on a glimpse of what Snape's past was like. I won't apologize for a rare show of emotion from the man in front of the woman he loves, but I will tell you not to expect too much of it. He's still Snape, after all. Things lighten up considerably the next two or three chapters. I mean, it IS mid-February at Hogwarts after all. *winks*

Challenge Update! Antinua has thrown her hat into the ring with the first chapter of "Of Apricots and Fragile Dreams." http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1066144 A brief glimpse into Snape's mysterious past, and then onto adventure in the desert! Pop on over and read it!