A/N: This is a bit long with several mood changes. Hope you don't mind.
Mija - Thanks and welcome
EL - Thanks also, and welcome.
Ignominia, my friend. This is a chapter full of good solid werewolf angst, just for you.
Confessions of a Werewolf ~*~
Marlina looked at Remus for a bit without saying anything, and she could tell that he was worried that she was angry. She finally broke the silence in the classroom. "I had a bit of a talk with Noah." She said, walking closer slowly as she spoke.
"Did you?" Remus asked, watching her warily.
"Yes." She replied, stopping for a minute and casually examining a book left behind by a student on a desk before placing it back down.
Remus assumed it was about the hug in the hallway. "Look, Marlina, I didn't know that he was going to do that. I didn't intend to go near him, he just...."
She silenced him by holding up a hand. "I realize that." She said simply.
"Oh." Remus wondered what she could be there for in that case.
"No, I'm not here to discuss him hugging you." She continued. "I'm here because yesterday he told me what you were."
Remus looked decidedly confused. "I don't follow you."
Marlina carefully explained. "I sat Noah down to tell him about your condition yesterday, but I think he provided me with a clearer understanding than I gave him about things."
"And how did he do that?" Remus asked, still watching her cautiously.
"My son was pleased to hear that the WCU would not be after you, and quickly made the assumption it was because you're not a bad werewolf." Marlina said, coming to stand directly in front of Remus. "As a matter of fact, he was very quick to point out that he was convinced that you were a good werewolf."
Remus gripped the edge of the desk he was leaning on tightly, as he felt a wave of affection for the boy surge through him. Noah knew and didn't fear him. That was something, anyway. He looked at Marlina as she spoke again.
"Remus, I think that Noah has had a much better perspective on things than I have. My judgment was obviously clouded by my own past experience, and I've been blind to some very simple truths. I owe you my deepest apology, and I hope that you'll be able to forgive me at some point."
Remus spoke quietly. "For trying to kill the wolf?" He asked.
She frowned. "Yes, I'm sorry I tried to shoot you Remus. I thought that....."
"No." He said, interrupting her. "You didn't try to kill me. In your mind you were trying to kill the beast, and I understand why. I know that you've had a terrible time of things because of a werewolf, Marlina. I can understand why you reacted the way you did."
Marlina could feel her emotions beginning to come unraveled. She didn't deserve for Remus to be so understanding. She shook her head. "Remus I should have seen it sooner. The wolf that killed my husband was a second time rogue that had a horrible time of things and was completely unstable. I never should have concerned myself that you could even be remotely like that."
"I could if I didn't take the wolfsbane potion." Remus said simply.
Marlina shook her head again. "No, that's not what I meant. I mean the rest of the time." She said, clearly becoming more upset. "It's who you are the rest of the time that should matter."
"Marlina....." Remus spoke her name.
She finally lost it and started to cry. "Oh, Remus! I almost killed you! I never thought I could do it, but I was so scared." She sobbed. "I was afraid for Noah, and myself, and when I saw you standing that close to Lorien in the forest....... Remus, I didn't know about the wolfsbane potion." She buried her face in her hands, unable to face him.
Remus wasn't sure what to do at that point, but the red haired witch was so obviously distraught at what she'd done, he couldn't help but want her to stop hurting. He put his hands on her arms. "Marlina, it's ok." He said.
She continued to cry, and he tried again. "Marlie? Really. It's alright." He said, feeling the way she was shaking. He couldn't help himself as he watched her and he suddenly drew her to him and wrapped his arms around her protectively.
Marlina buried her face against his chest and let him support her while she cried. "How can you be so understanding?" She cried after a moment, trying to pull away, feeling that she didn't deserve to be comforted by him, of all people.
Remus wouldn't let go and held onto her gently, and spoke in a firm but kind voice. "Do you think that this is the first time that I've had to deal with this sort of thing?" He asked.
Marlina sniffled once and looked back at him.
Remus spoke again. "When you've been a werewolf as long as I have, you get to deal with a lot of people that are eager to see the lot of us done away with. You wouldn't be the only one that's tried to .......well..." He left it at that.
Marlina had stopped crying a little and decided she was brave enough to delve deeper into his past. "How long have you been a werewolf, Remus?"
"About thirty years." He stated it simply, as if someone had asked how long he'd been married.
Marlina looked shocked. "That long?" She gasped. "No wonder you're so...." she searched for a way to put it delicately.
"What? Well-adjusted?" He said with a wan smile. "Isn't that what the Registry calls it?"
She nodded but wasn't able to return the smile just yet. "Remus, I need to ask you something that I probably don't have any right to ask you."
"Ask." He said, still holding onto her arms. He knew what her question would be, and Snape's advice echoed in his mind. 'Come clean when you're ready to talk to her. You have nothing to lose.'
Marlina looked away as she spoke. "Remus, have you ever hurt anyone?"
Remus looked at her steadily. "Care to be more specific?"
She didn't but she knew she had to. "Have you ever bitten anyone, Remus?"
"No, Marlie. I never have." He saw the look of relief start to wash over her and as much as he would have liked to leave things there, he knew he couldn't. "Marlina, I don't want to give you the impression that I've been as......controlled for three decades as I am at present. You would probably be horrified to hear some of the VERY close calls that happened when I was younger."
He watched her reactions carefully as he continued. "When I was a student, Sirius and my friends James and Peter all learned to become animagi so that we could roam together the night of the full moon. Most occasions the dog and the stag were enough to keep the wolf in check, but there were several times, near Hogsmeade.....Merlin! I don't know what we were ever thinking sometimes."
Marlina answered softly. "You were young. All teenagers make the same reckless mistakes."
"Not all teenagers make mistakes as a rampaging werewolf, Marlie." Remus said bitterly. "When I look back on how reckless I was at the time, it makes me shudder. Someone could have easily been injured, bitten or killed." Remus stared at the floor as he continued. "I never could have lived with myself if I'd ever bitten anyone." He said quietly. "I would have found execution a welcomed alternative to living with the guilt of killing someone or creating another......"
"But you never have." Marlina said, trying to sound reassuring.
Both of them were silent for a few moments, and then she asked another question that caused Remus to cringe.
"What's it like, Remus?" She asked after gathering enough courage. "What's it like when the wolf takes over?" She asked as gently as possible. She didn't know how he would react to such an invasive question, but she needed to know what it was like for him.
Remus sighed and leaned back against the desk again. "You know, you'd think after thirty years that I'd be used to it, but you never really quite get over the fear. It lessens with time, but it's always there at that first moment when the moon rises. When it begins." He said distantly.
Marlina remained silent to let him continue.
"It's not the transformation so much," he continued. "The pain is temporary, and I guess you could say that I'm used to dealing with that. The migraines before and after are awful, but...." He shrugged and then looked distant again, as if plagued by unpleasant memories. "What really gets to me, and gets to most of us, is the lack of control." He looked into her eyes at last. "You have no idea what it's like to be wrenched out of your own identity, your own form, and then brutally shoved into another involuntarily. Especially when you know that the other is out of control. A beast, a monster...." His voice trailed off.
"You're not a monster." Marlina said in a choked whisper.
Remus smiled the tiniest bit. "I know. But you have no idea how long it took me to be able to feel that way."
He cleared his throat and went on. "It starts with the moon and then the fear comes. And then the pleading and the bargaining. You plead to whatever forces that be that you won't hurt anyone this time. You PRAY to whatever gods there are that you'll harm no one." Remus closed his eyes. "It's the same every month, year after year. You beg that nothing will happen because you know. You know once it happens that the wolf doesn't care, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it once the wolf comes."
Marlina had tears in her eyes again as she listened. She had never heard the point of view she was hearing now, and had only speculated on how terrible being a werewolf might be, along with other members of the WCU. It was obviously worse than she, or any of them had ever thought.
Remus remained there with his hands gripping her arms tightly and his eyes closed. "The last thing you remember is the worst." He said hoarsely. "That's when the desire comes - the desire for blood, the craving for human flesh. You hate them now. Loathe them. Want to hurt them. Want to hunt them." He sneered, and tears were in his own eyes as well when he opened them again. "And then the only relief comes." He murmured. "You lose your mind. I know that sounds terrible but it's a blessing at that point really. The wolf takes over completely and you remember nothing. Thank Merlin, you remember nothing...."
Remus couldn't go on any further and Marlina could feel the slight tremble in the gentle hands on her arms. She moved closer and put her arms around him and held him for a long time, just wishing he could feel better. Wishing she could make it all go away for him. But she couldn't. Nothing could, well except that potion in a small way.
"Tell me about the wolfsbane potion." She said, trying to steer him in a more positive direction.
He didn't let go or move away, but spoke softly next to her. "It's incredible." He answered. "It makes it all so much more bearable. Hell, it's almost easy to go through once you know that you'll still be there on the other side. Once you know that you're safe - that is that everyone else is safe."
Marlina spoke quietly again. "I never knew about the wolfsbane potion, Remus."
"Why would you?" He asked, matter-of-factly.
"Remus can you ever forgive me?" She asked, not meeting his eyes.
"I already have." He said quietly near her ear.
Marlina drew back and looked at him for a long moment, and then flung her arms tighter around his neck.
Remus held her close and nestled his cheek down against her hair. He had indeed forgiven her. How could he not? Especially with the way he felt about her. He finally pushed her away very gently so that he could look at her again and smiled. "So, I have a question for you, Marlina Chase Perkins. Have you ever kissed a werewolf?" He wanted to lighten the situation, and his question echoed the game they'd played on Valentine's Day.
She smiled back through her tears. "Been there, done that." She said with a dismissive waive of her hand. "But," she added. "I didn't know it at the time. Perhaps it's different if you knowingly kiss one?" She teased, and sniffled one last time.
"Completely." Remus answered, pulling her back in and finally allowing himself to dare to feel better, knowing that they had made it through some of the worst things that they might have to overcome.
"Well, let me be the judge of that." Marlina replied, and kissed Remus soundly on the mouth. "It is different," she said, unbelievably relieved that things had worked out the way they had. "It's much, much better." She smiled in earnest, and kissed him again, and again....
Kaneene was smiling to herself all the way to Remus's rooms. She was about to knock on his door, when she realized that she was hearing someone whistling. The tune was coming from inside Lupin's chambers and she wondered if it was actually Remus. She knocked, and the whistling stopped. The door pulled open, and Remus stood in the doorway and smiled. "Why, Miss Moody, what a pleasure. To what do I owe the honor?" He asked cheerfully, allowing her to step into his rooms.
Kaneene looked at him suspiciously. "What did the house elves put in your pumpkin juice, Lupin?" She asked. "And where can I get some?"
"Pumpkin juice?" He asked.
"You seen awfully chipper today." She said, and then it dawned on her. "You've made up with Marlina, haven't you?"
"What would make you say that?" Remus asked, wearing a large grin.
"Remus, I'm so glad." The auror said, giving him a quick hug.
"Me too." He replied earnestly. "So, what can I do for you, Kaneene?"
She smiled mischievously. "I have a gift for Sirius, and I need your help with it."
"Really." Remus gave her his own devilish smile. "I'm intrigued. What is it?"
Kaneene held up a T-shirt and Remus looked a little puzzled at the black outline of a Doberman pinscher until she explained what she wanted, and then he laughed out loud. "So this is for the party he's planning?" Remus asked.
Kaneene smiled and nodded.
"Ok. I think I know just the spell." Remus put the article of muggle clothing on the table and the two of them went to work.
A short time later, Remus stood back and surveyed their handiwork with satisfaction as Kaneene displayed the altered writing. On the back of the shirt it said 'Hogwarts Security' in large letters, but it was the front of the shirt that had them smiling now.
"I've got to see you give this to him." Remus said.
"Shall we go now?" Kaneene asked.
Remus and Kaneene walked across the hall and knocked on Black's door, entering when they heard him answer.
Sirius looked up from his desk. "Well, if it isn't the werewolf Romeo and the loveliest auror in all of Britain." He quipped. "What are you two up to? I don't think I like the looks you're wearing."
Kaneene put on a look of mock distress. "Now is that any way to treat friends? Especially when we've brought you a gift?"
"Gift?" Sirius eyed them suspiciously.
"Just a little something for your party." Answered Remus.
"We made it ourselves." Kaneene added, and handed him the shirt.
Sirius took it warily and then read the back, smiling.
"Turn it around." Kaneene prodded.
Sirius did so and then started laughing along with the two friends standing before him.
In place of the black silhouette of the Doberman that had originally been there, was a silhouette of a large shaggy black dog that looked suspiciously like Padfoot. The caption now read "I can make it to the gate in 10 seconds. Can you?"
Sirius looked up at them and grinned. "Actually, it only takes me eight."
The three of them laughed even harder.
Everyone at Hogwarts was looking forward to the party on Friday night, and Remus decided to venture to Marlina's rooms earlier in the week to see if he could find out what she was wearing.
Noah was overjoyed to see Remus and ran to give him a hug that he returned with just as much enthusiasm. Noah looked back at his mother, and spoke in a pleading voice. "Mom, do I still have to go to bed? Remus is here."
Marlina nodded. "It's already past your time. You'll see Remus later."
Noah pouted, standing there in his pajamas.
"Here Noah. I'll make you a deal." Remus said. "You go to bed on time and I'll tell you a story," He winked at Marlina who smiled gratefully.
"Ok, Remus." Noah said, brightening at the thought. He walked with Remus toward his bedroom as Remus began weaving a tale.
"Once upon a time, there was a devastatingly handsome prince named Moony, and he lived in the far off land of Wolfsbane." He could see Marlina rolling her eyes as he continued. "Now in the land of Wolfsbane, there were two witches....."
Noah frowned. "Prince? Witches? This isn't going to be a kissing story, is it?"
Remus gave him a mock glare. "Hey, do you want to hear the story or not?"
"Yeah." Noah replied.
Remus continued. "Ahem. Well, as I was saying, there were two witches. One of them was an evil blonde witch that could turn herself into a dragon whenever she wanted. The other was a beautiful and kind witch with red hair that Prince Moony saw one day while he was out walking his faithful dog, Padfoot."
Noah frowned again. "Prince Moony is going to kiss the witch with red hair, isn't he?"
"Yes. At some point in the story he might kiss her." Remus said, amused at the boy's frustration.
"Ick! Why?"
"Because he likes her." Remus said.
"'Cause she's a beautiful witch?" Noah asked, rolling his eyes.
"I'll have you know that Prince Moony likes her because she happens to be a great dragon hunter." Remus said.
Noah brightened. "Cool. Does she kill the witch that turns into a dragon?"
"Who's telling this story, anyway?" Remus asked, hands on hips.
Noah relented. "You are."
"Ok. Come on and get in bed and I'll tell you what happens." Noah and Remus disappeared into the next room. "One day, Prince Moony was out in the woods near his castle....." His voice trailed off, and Marlina couldn't hear any more of the tale.
Twenty minutes later, Remus emerged smiling.
"Did you finish your story?" Marlina asked.
"Well, the first chapter, anyway. It's to be continued at another bedtime." Remus replied.
"Thanks for doing that." Marlina said, patting the couch next to her.
Remus sat down and sighed. "It's really good to see him again. I missed him these past weeks."
"And did you miss his mother?" Marlina asked, slyly.
Remus scrunched up his face and shook his head. "Nuh uh. The nasty Slytherin witch tried to shoot my ass!"
"Remus!" Marlina's mouth dropped open as she watched Remus laugh, and then she couldn't help but smile herself. "Speaking of which.....did you ever find out how the explosion started?"
"No. I think Snape has got the composition worked out, but we don't know how it got in my rooms yet." Remus answered.
Marlina snuggled up against him for a few minutes.
"So, have you decided what you're wearing to the party? Remus asked, changing to a more pleasant subject.
"Yes, and that's all I'm telling you." She said with an air of finality.
Remus and Sirius finished most of the preparations for the party in the great hall on Thursday night. They'd have a few last minute things to do tomorrow afternoon, but at this point the decorations and the sound system were in place and ready to go.
Sirius grinned at Remus. "We need to test this, at least once."
"You think we should?" Remus asked.
"Definitely." Sirius picked up one of the flat silver disks that Hermione had shown him how to use, as Remus leaned over his shoulder.
"What's that?" Remus asked.
"90's Mix." Sirius replied, looking at the writing scrawled on the disk. "Odd name for a band." He popped the CD in place and spoke the charms that energized the sound system. Green LED lights now shone in the front of the CD player. "Ready?"
Remus nodded, and Sirius hit the play button.
Harry, Ron and Hermione were walking back to the common room from the library where they'd been working on their homework for history of magic together.
Ron was confused. "I still don't get it. I thought Binns said that The Red Witch was responsible for helping defeat the followers of Grindelwald."
"Yeah, so?" Hermione asked.
"Well, it doesn't seem likely that she'd be that much help against dark wizards if she was a just a student." Ron went on.
Hermione shook her head. "Ron, don't you ever pay attention?"
"As a matter of fact, I do." Said Ron, irritated. "Binns said that she was attending Hogwarts at the time, and I just didn't think...."
Hermione cut him off. "You just didn't think, period." She sighed. "Binns said she was AT Hogwarts at the time, not attending Hogwarts."
"What's the difference?" Ron asked.
Hermione adopted a slightly condescending attitude. "If you had finished reading the chapter, you would have realized that The Red Witch was teaching at Hogwarts at the time, Ron. Potions, I believe."
"Shhhh!" Harry said, trying to shush his two friends. "Listen."
Loud music could be heard coming from the direction of the great hall, and Harry grinned when he heard the first song. "Hey! They actually got it working." He said, turning and heading toward the music.
The other two looked at each other for a minute, and then decided that they needed to investigate as well.
When the trio of Gryffindors opened the doors, they found Lupin and Black hovering over the CD player, frantically trying to remember which button or knob turned the bloody volume down. They looked grateful when Harry appeared next to them and turned the appropriate knob from 11 to 5.
"Thanks." They both said, thankful that half of the castle was no longer listening, and Harry schooled them once more in the basics of muggle sound equipment, as Hermione found herself caught up in the beat and starting to move a bit in time to the music.
Sirius saw her out of the corner of his eye, and turned to her, grinning. "Miss Granger, would you?"
He offered her his hand, and after tipping her head and studying him for a minute, she decided he was serious and accepted his invitation. 'This should be good,' she thought skeptically, but that changed almost immediately as he led her a few steps away and started to move. Really move.
Hermione Granger had learned at least one interesting thing every day that she had been at Hogwarts, and today's lesson was that Sirius Black, her best friend's godfather, head of security, and former fugitive from justice, could actually dance.
Hermione found herself laughing as Ron and Harry went wide-eyed where they stood next to Lupin, and threw herself into the music along with Sirius.
"I never would have believed it," Harry said to Ron, grinning now from ear to ear. He and Ron laughed along with Hermione as Sirius wrapped her up in his arms and then dipped her. He set her right, then twirled her around, and sent her spinning a few paces away to Remus, who caught her up and dipped her himself as she screamed lightly, and then joined her and Sirius as the music continued.
"I can't even believe I'm seeing this." Said Ron, watching the two men and Hermione cut loose on the dance floor together.
"What?" Asked Remus. "Just because we're old, we can't know how to dance?"
"You're not old." Harry said, still laughing a bit.
"And don't you forget it." Said Sirius. He looked at Harry with a mock glare, and then brightened. "Come on, Harry, Ron." He beckoned them to join himself and the other two.
"Um, no." Harry said, immediately declining. Ron shook his head vigorously next to Harry.
"Oh, come ON." Sirius said, suddenly stopping. "Have a little fun, will you?"
"Not my idea of fun." Harry said sheepishly.
"Those two can't dance." Hermione said from where she was still dancing with Remus, who suddenly stopped and looked at Sirius.
"What?" Sirius asked incredulously. "James Potter's son not dance?" He huffed in disbelief. "Well, we'll just have to see about that."
Harry didn't think he liked where this was going. "My....my father could dance?" He asked, glancing sideways at a horrified-where-this-is-going- because-they'll make-me-do-it-too Ron.
"You bet." Said Remus. "Loved nothing better at a celebration after a Quidditch victory." He said with a chuckle. "At least after Lily made him learn." He was now wearing what looked like the same sadistic grin that Hermione and Sirius were wearing.
With Hermione's insistent prodding, and Sirius's intense stubbornness, Harry and Ron found themselves spending the next hour, like it or not, learning to dance.
"That's much better you two." Sirius commented when it had finally gotten to the point that the boys weren't embarrassed anymore and were now just having fun. "Now, you'll be cool fifth years at the party tomorrow."
"Is that when you two became cool?" Harry asked Sirius and Remus slyly.
"Sorry?" Asked Remus. He looked at Sirius. "Do you know what he's talking about?"
"No idea." Muttered Sirius.
"When you were fifth years! Is that when you two finally started to be cool?" Ron asked, trying to clarify the question.
"I believe that we ARRIVED cool." Said Sirius with a grin as Remus nodded and laughed. "Well," he added with a sly grin, "at least one of us anyway."
Hermione giggled at Remus who was standing behind Sirius pointing to himself and winking at Ron and Harry.
The music changed again, and a slinky bassline with a funky backbeat started up. "One more?" Asked Sirius, and the three students laughed as the five of them held their own small party for one more song.
Harry was at the point of not caring if he looked silly, and was thankful for being able to see his godfather and best friend actually have the chance to cut up and have a little fun. It was good for them, and it gave him a glimpse into what things must have been like to pal around with his parents.
He watched Ron laughing with Hermione, and deciding that he liked the funky, sexy jazz they were dancing to, lost himself on the dance floor with all of his best friends for a few more minutes.
When the three younger Gryffindors had thanked their instructors for the evening with large silly grins, and had gone off to bed, Sirius pulled the disc out and undid the charm on the CD player. He turned to Remus as he reached for the case for the silver disk. "Well, that was fun."
Remus smiled at him. "Remind you of old times?"
"Yeah." Sirius admitted, sliding the disk in the case. His expression suddenly became very sober. "I miss them, Moony."
"I know." Remus said softly. "I miss them, too."
Neither said anything for a couple of minutes and then Remus spoke up again. "Come on, Padfoot. It's late." He jerked his head a little toward the door.
"Let me just put this away." Sirius glanced down at the plastic case as he headed for the table where the rest of the CD's sat, and stopped in his tracks as he read it.
"What?" Remus asked, coming to his side to look over his shoulder.
"Last song." Sirius said softly.
Remus read the name, and after a few seconds looked up at Sirius and smiled sadly. "I don't doubt it." He said, placing a hand on Sirius's arm. "Come on." He said softly.
Sirius turned to leave with Remus after glancing once more at the writing on the jewel case, thinking how appropriate it was that all of them could have been together without a care in the world for a few minutes, dancing to a song called "Lily was here."
A/N: 'Lily was here' is a real piece of music that I was listening to one day, and it inspired the dance lesson with Remus and Sirius. Even if you didn't know what it was called, you've probably heard it before. It's by David A. Stewart and Candy Dulfer.
And of course, the bedtime story was my small salute to The Princess Bride for my sister, Karen.
Next chapter - PARTY AT HOGWARTS!!!
Mija - Thanks and welcome
EL - Thanks also, and welcome.
Ignominia, my friend. This is a chapter full of good solid werewolf angst, just for you.
Confessions of a Werewolf ~*~
Marlina looked at Remus for a bit without saying anything, and she could tell that he was worried that she was angry. She finally broke the silence in the classroom. "I had a bit of a talk with Noah." She said, walking closer slowly as she spoke.
"Did you?" Remus asked, watching her warily.
"Yes." She replied, stopping for a minute and casually examining a book left behind by a student on a desk before placing it back down.
Remus assumed it was about the hug in the hallway. "Look, Marlina, I didn't know that he was going to do that. I didn't intend to go near him, he just...."
She silenced him by holding up a hand. "I realize that." She said simply.
"Oh." Remus wondered what she could be there for in that case.
"No, I'm not here to discuss him hugging you." She continued. "I'm here because yesterday he told me what you were."
Remus looked decidedly confused. "I don't follow you."
Marlina carefully explained. "I sat Noah down to tell him about your condition yesterday, but I think he provided me with a clearer understanding than I gave him about things."
"And how did he do that?" Remus asked, still watching her cautiously.
"My son was pleased to hear that the WCU would not be after you, and quickly made the assumption it was because you're not a bad werewolf." Marlina said, coming to stand directly in front of Remus. "As a matter of fact, he was very quick to point out that he was convinced that you were a good werewolf."
Remus gripped the edge of the desk he was leaning on tightly, as he felt a wave of affection for the boy surge through him. Noah knew and didn't fear him. That was something, anyway. He looked at Marlina as she spoke again.
"Remus, I think that Noah has had a much better perspective on things than I have. My judgment was obviously clouded by my own past experience, and I've been blind to some very simple truths. I owe you my deepest apology, and I hope that you'll be able to forgive me at some point."
Remus spoke quietly. "For trying to kill the wolf?" He asked.
She frowned. "Yes, I'm sorry I tried to shoot you Remus. I thought that....."
"No." He said, interrupting her. "You didn't try to kill me. In your mind you were trying to kill the beast, and I understand why. I know that you've had a terrible time of things because of a werewolf, Marlina. I can understand why you reacted the way you did."
Marlina could feel her emotions beginning to come unraveled. She didn't deserve for Remus to be so understanding. She shook her head. "Remus I should have seen it sooner. The wolf that killed my husband was a second time rogue that had a horrible time of things and was completely unstable. I never should have concerned myself that you could even be remotely like that."
"I could if I didn't take the wolfsbane potion." Remus said simply.
Marlina shook her head again. "No, that's not what I meant. I mean the rest of the time." She said, clearly becoming more upset. "It's who you are the rest of the time that should matter."
"Marlina....." Remus spoke her name.
She finally lost it and started to cry. "Oh, Remus! I almost killed you! I never thought I could do it, but I was so scared." She sobbed. "I was afraid for Noah, and myself, and when I saw you standing that close to Lorien in the forest....... Remus, I didn't know about the wolfsbane potion." She buried her face in her hands, unable to face him.
Remus wasn't sure what to do at that point, but the red haired witch was so obviously distraught at what she'd done, he couldn't help but want her to stop hurting. He put his hands on her arms. "Marlina, it's ok." He said.
She continued to cry, and he tried again. "Marlie? Really. It's alright." He said, feeling the way she was shaking. He couldn't help himself as he watched her and he suddenly drew her to him and wrapped his arms around her protectively.
Marlina buried her face against his chest and let him support her while she cried. "How can you be so understanding?" She cried after a moment, trying to pull away, feeling that she didn't deserve to be comforted by him, of all people.
Remus wouldn't let go and held onto her gently, and spoke in a firm but kind voice. "Do you think that this is the first time that I've had to deal with this sort of thing?" He asked.
Marlina sniffled once and looked back at him.
Remus spoke again. "When you've been a werewolf as long as I have, you get to deal with a lot of people that are eager to see the lot of us done away with. You wouldn't be the only one that's tried to .......well..." He left it at that.
Marlina had stopped crying a little and decided she was brave enough to delve deeper into his past. "How long have you been a werewolf, Remus?"
"About thirty years." He stated it simply, as if someone had asked how long he'd been married.
Marlina looked shocked. "That long?" She gasped. "No wonder you're so...." she searched for a way to put it delicately.
"What? Well-adjusted?" He said with a wan smile. "Isn't that what the Registry calls it?"
She nodded but wasn't able to return the smile just yet. "Remus, I need to ask you something that I probably don't have any right to ask you."
"Ask." He said, still holding onto her arms. He knew what her question would be, and Snape's advice echoed in his mind. 'Come clean when you're ready to talk to her. You have nothing to lose.'
Marlina looked away as she spoke. "Remus, have you ever hurt anyone?"
Remus looked at her steadily. "Care to be more specific?"
She didn't but she knew she had to. "Have you ever bitten anyone, Remus?"
"No, Marlie. I never have." He saw the look of relief start to wash over her and as much as he would have liked to leave things there, he knew he couldn't. "Marlina, I don't want to give you the impression that I've been as......controlled for three decades as I am at present. You would probably be horrified to hear some of the VERY close calls that happened when I was younger."
He watched her reactions carefully as he continued. "When I was a student, Sirius and my friends James and Peter all learned to become animagi so that we could roam together the night of the full moon. Most occasions the dog and the stag were enough to keep the wolf in check, but there were several times, near Hogsmeade.....Merlin! I don't know what we were ever thinking sometimes."
Marlina answered softly. "You were young. All teenagers make the same reckless mistakes."
"Not all teenagers make mistakes as a rampaging werewolf, Marlie." Remus said bitterly. "When I look back on how reckless I was at the time, it makes me shudder. Someone could have easily been injured, bitten or killed." Remus stared at the floor as he continued. "I never could have lived with myself if I'd ever bitten anyone." He said quietly. "I would have found execution a welcomed alternative to living with the guilt of killing someone or creating another......"
"But you never have." Marlina said, trying to sound reassuring.
Both of them were silent for a few moments, and then she asked another question that caused Remus to cringe.
"What's it like, Remus?" She asked after gathering enough courage. "What's it like when the wolf takes over?" She asked as gently as possible. She didn't know how he would react to such an invasive question, but she needed to know what it was like for him.
Remus sighed and leaned back against the desk again. "You know, you'd think after thirty years that I'd be used to it, but you never really quite get over the fear. It lessens with time, but it's always there at that first moment when the moon rises. When it begins." He said distantly.
Marlina remained silent to let him continue.
"It's not the transformation so much," he continued. "The pain is temporary, and I guess you could say that I'm used to dealing with that. The migraines before and after are awful, but...." He shrugged and then looked distant again, as if plagued by unpleasant memories. "What really gets to me, and gets to most of us, is the lack of control." He looked into her eyes at last. "You have no idea what it's like to be wrenched out of your own identity, your own form, and then brutally shoved into another involuntarily. Especially when you know that the other is out of control. A beast, a monster...." His voice trailed off.
"You're not a monster." Marlina said in a choked whisper.
Remus smiled the tiniest bit. "I know. But you have no idea how long it took me to be able to feel that way."
He cleared his throat and went on. "It starts with the moon and then the fear comes. And then the pleading and the bargaining. You plead to whatever forces that be that you won't hurt anyone this time. You PRAY to whatever gods there are that you'll harm no one." Remus closed his eyes. "It's the same every month, year after year. You beg that nothing will happen because you know. You know once it happens that the wolf doesn't care, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it once the wolf comes."
Marlina had tears in her eyes again as she listened. She had never heard the point of view she was hearing now, and had only speculated on how terrible being a werewolf might be, along with other members of the WCU. It was obviously worse than she, or any of them had ever thought.
Remus remained there with his hands gripping her arms tightly and his eyes closed. "The last thing you remember is the worst." He said hoarsely. "That's when the desire comes - the desire for blood, the craving for human flesh. You hate them now. Loathe them. Want to hurt them. Want to hunt them." He sneered, and tears were in his own eyes as well when he opened them again. "And then the only relief comes." He murmured. "You lose your mind. I know that sounds terrible but it's a blessing at that point really. The wolf takes over completely and you remember nothing. Thank Merlin, you remember nothing...."
Remus couldn't go on any further and Marlina could feel the slight tremble in the gentle hands on her arms. She moved closer and put her arms around him and held him for a long time, just wishing he could feel better. Wishing she could make it all go away for him. But she couldn't. Nothing could, well except that potion in a small way.
"Tell me about the wolfsbane potion." She said, trying to steer him in a more positive direction.
He didn't let go or move away, but spoke softly next to her. "It's incredible." He answered. "It makes it all so much more bearable. Hell, it's almost easy to go through once you know that you'll still be there on the other side. Once you know that you're safe - that is that everyone else is safe."
Marlina spoke quietly again. "I never knew about the wolfsbane potion, Remus."
"Why would you?" He asked, matter-of-factly.
"Remus can you ever forgive me?" She asked, not meeting his eyes.
"I already have." He said quietly near her ear.
Marlina drew back and looked at him for a long moment, and then flung her arms tighter around his neck.
Remus held her close and nestled his cheek down against her hair. He had indeed forgiven her. How could he not? Especially with the way he felt about her. He finally pushed her away very gently so that he could look at her again and smiled. "So, I have a question for you, Marlina Chase Perkins. Have you ever kissed a werewolf?" He wanted to lighten the situation, and his question echoed the game they'd played on Valentine's Day.
She smiled back through her tears. "Been there, done that." She said with a dismissive waive of her hand. "But," she added. "I didn't know it at the time. Perhaps it's different if you knowingly kiss one?" She teased, and sniffled one last time.
"Completely." Remus answered, pulling her back in and finally allowing himself to dare to feel better, knowing that they had made it through some of the worst things that they might have to overcome.
"Well, let me be the judge of that." Marlina replied, and kissed Remus soundly on the mouth. "It is different," she said, unbelievably relieved that things had worked out the way they had. "It's much, much better." She smiled in earnest, and kissed him again, and again....
Kaneene was smiling to herself all the way to Remus's rooms. She was about to knock on his door, when she realized that she was hearing someone whistling. The tune was coming from inside Lupin's chambers and she wondered if it was actually Remus. She knocked, and the whistling stopped. The door pulled open, and Remus stood in the doorway and smiled. "Why, Miss Moody, what a pleasure. To what do I owe the honor?" He asked cheerfully, allowing her to step into his rooms.
Kaneene looked at him suspiciously. "What did the house elves put in your pumpkin juice, Lupin?" She asked. "And where can I get some?"
"Pumpkin juice?" He asked.
"You seen awfully chipper today." She said, and then it dawned on her. "You've made up with Marlina, haven't you?"
"What would make you say that?" Remus asked, wearing a large grin.
"Remus, I'm so glad." The auror said, giving him a quick hug.
"Me too." He replied earnestly. "So, what can I do for you, Kaneene?"
She smiled mischievously. "I have a gift for Sirius, and I need your help with it."
"Really." Remus gave her his own devilish smile. "I'm intrigued. What is it?"
Kaneene held up a T-shirt and Remus looked a little puzzled at the black outline of a Doberman pinscher until she explained what she wanted, and then he laughed out loud. "So this is for the party he's planning?" Remus asked.
Kaneene smiled and nodded.
"Ok. I think I know just the spell." Remus put the article of muggle clothing on the table and the two of them went to work.
A short time later, Remus stood back and surveyed their handiwork with satisfaction as Kaneene displayed the altered writing. On the back of the shirt it said 'Hogwarts Security' in large letters, but it was the front of the shirt that had them smiling now.
"I've got to see you give this to him." Remus said.
"Shall we go now?" Kaneene asked.
Remus and Kaneene walked across the hall and knocked on Black's door, entering when they heard him answer.
Sirius looked up from his desk. "Well, if it isn't the werewolf Romeo and the loveliest auror in all of Britain." He quipped. "What are you two up to? I don't think I like the looks you're wearing."
Kaneene put on a look of mock distress. "Now is that any way to treat friends? Especially when we've brought you a gift?"
"Gift?" Sirius eyed them suspiciously.
"Just a little something for your party." Answered Remus.
"We made it ourselves." Kaneene added, and handed him the shirt.
Sirius took it warily and then read the back, smiling.
"Turn it around." Kaneene prodded.
Sirius did so and then started laughing along with the two friends standing before him.
In place of the black silhouette of the Doberman that had originally been there, was a silhouette of a large shaggy black dog that looked suspiciously like Padfoot. The caption now read "I can make it to the gate in 10 seconds. Can you?"
Sirius looked up at them and grinned. "Actually, it only takes me eight."
The three of them laughed even harder.
Everyone at Hogwarts was looking forward to the party on Friday night, and Remus decided to venture to Marlina's rooms earlier in the week to see if he could find out what she was wearing.
Noah was overjoyed to see Remus and ran to give him a hug that he returned with just as much enthusiasm. Noah looked back at his mother, and spoke in a pleading voice. "Mom, do I still have to go to bed? Remus is here."
Marlina nodded. "It's already past your time. You'll see Remus later."
Noah pouted, standing there in his pajamas.
"Here Noah. I'll make you a deal." Remus said. "You go to bed on time and I'll tell you a story," He winked at Marlina who smiled gratefully.
"Ok, Remus." Noah said, brightening at the thought. He walked with Remus toward his bedroom as Remus began weaving a tale.
"Once upon a time, there was a devastatingly handsome prince named Moony, and he lived in the far off land of Wolfsbane." He could see Marlina rolling her eyes as he continued. "Now in the land of Wolfsbane, there were two witches....."
Noah frowned. "Prince? Witches? This isn't going to be a kissing story, is it?"
Remus gave him a mock glare. "Hey, do you want to hear the story or not?"
"Yeah." Noah replied.
Remus continued. "Ahem. Well, as I was saying, there were two witches. One of them was an evil blonde witch that could turn herself into a dragon whenever she wanted. The other was a beautiful and kind witch with red hair that Prince Moony saw one day while he was out walking his faithful dog, Padfoot."
Noah frowned again. "Prince Moony is going to kiss the witch with red hair, isn't he?"
"Yes. At some point in the story he might kiss her." Remus said, amused at the boy's frustration.
"Ick! Why?"
"Because he likes her." Remus said.
"'Cause she's a beautiful witch?" Noah asked, rolling his eyes.
"I'll have you know that Prince Moony likes her because she happens to be a great dragon hunter." Remus said.
Noah brightened. "Cool. Does she kill the witch that turns into a dragon?"
"Who's telling this story, anyway?" Remus asked, hands on hips.
Noah relented. "You are."
"Ok. Come on and get in bed and I'll tell you what happens." Noah and Remus disappeared into the next room. "One day, Prince Moony was out in the woods near his castle....." His voice trailed off, and Marlina couldn't hear any more of the tale.
Twenty minutes later, Remus emerged smiling.
"Did you finish your story?" Marlina asked.
"Well, the first chapter, anyway. It's to be continued at another bedtime." Remus replied.
"Thanks for doing that." Marlina said, patting the couch next to her.
Remus sat down and sighed. "It's really good to see him again. I missed him these past weeks."
"And did you miss his mother?" Marlina asked, slyly.
Remus scrunched up his face and shook his head. "Nuh uh. The nasty Slytherin witch tried to shoot my ass!"
"Remus!" Marlina's mouth dropped open as she watched Remus laugh, and then she couldn't help but smile herself. "Speaking of which.....did you ever find out how the explosion started?"
"No. I think Snape has got the composition worked out, but we don't know how it got in my rooms yet." Remus answered.
Marlina snuggled up against him for a few minutes.
"So, have you decided what you're wearing to the party? Remus asked, changing to a more pleasant subject.
"Yes, and that's all I'm telling you." She said with an air of finality.
Remus and Sirius finished most of the preparations for the party in the great hall on Thursday night. They'd have a few last minute things to do tomorrow afternoon, but at this point the decorations and the sound system were in place and ready to go.
Sirius grinned at Remus. "We need to test this, at least once."
"You think we should?" Remus asked.
"Definitely." Sirius picked up one of the flat silver disks that Hermione had shown him how to use, as Remus leaned over his shoulder.
"What's that?" Remus asked.
"90's Mix." Sirius replied, looking at the writing scrawled on the disk. "Odd name for a band." He popped the CD in place and spoke the charms that energized the sound system. Green LED lights now shone in the front of the CD player. "Ready?"
Remus nodded, and Sirius hit the play button.
Harry, Ron and Hermione were walking back to the common room from the library where they'd been working on their homework for history of magic together.
Ron was confused. "I still don't get it. I thought Binns said that The Red Witch was responsible for helping defeat the followers of Grindelwald."
"Yeah, so?" Hermione asked.
"Well, it doesn't seem likely that she'd be that much help against dark wizards if she was a just a student." Ron went on.
Hermione shook her head. "Ron, don't you ever pay attention?"
"As a matter of fact, I do." Said Ron, irritated. "Binns said that she was attending Hogwarts at the time, and I just didn't think...."
Hermione cut him off. "You just didn't think, period." She sighed. "Binns said she was AT Hogwarts at the time, not attending Hogwarts."
"What's the difference?" Ron asked.
Hermione adopted a slightly condescending attitude. "If you had finished reading the chapter, you would have realized that The Red Witch was teaching at Hogwarts at the time, Ron. Potions, I believe."
"Shhhh!" Harry said, trying to shush his two friends. "Listen."
Loud music could be heard coming from the direction of the great hall, and Harry grinned when he heard the first song. "Hey! They actually got it working." He said, turning and heading toward the music.
The other two looked at each other for a minute, and then decided that they needed to investigate as well.
When the trio of Gryffindors opened the doors, they found Lupin and Black hovering over the CD player, frantically trying to remember which button or knob turned the bloody volume down. They looked grateful when Harry appeared next to them and turned the appropriate knob from 11 to 5.
"Thanks." They both said, thankful that half of the castle was no longer listening, and Harry schooled them once more in the basics of muggle sound equipment, as Hermione found herself caught up in the beat and starting to move a bit in time to the music.
Sirius saw her out of the corner of his eye, and turned to her, grinning. "Miss Granger, would you?"
He offered her his hand, and after tipping her head and studying him for a minute, she decided he was serious and accepted his invitation. 'This should be good,' she thought skeptically, but that changed almost immediately as he led her a few steps away and started to move. Really move.
Hermione Granger had learned at least one interesting thing every day that she had been at Hogwarts, and today's lesson was that Sirius Black, her best friend's godfather, head of security, and former fugitive from justice, could actually dance.
Hermione found herself laughing as Ron and Harry went wide-eyed where they stood next to Lupin, and threw herself into the music along with Sirius.
"I never would have believed it," Harry said to Ron, grinning now from ear to ear. He and Ron laughed along with Hermione as Sirius wrapped her up in his arms and then dipped her. He set her right, then twirled her around, and sent her spinning a few paces away to Remus, who caught her up and dipped her himself as she screamed lightly, and then joined her and Sirius as the music continued.
"I can't even believe I'm seeing this." Said Ron, watching the two men and Hermione cut loose on the dance floor together.
"What?" Asked Remus. "Just because we're old, we can't know how to dance?"
"You're not old." Harry said, still laughing a bit.
"And don't you forget it." Said Sirius. He looked at Harry with a mock glare, and then brightened. "Come on, Harry, Ron." He beckoned them to join himself and the other two.
"Um, no." Harry said, immediately declining. Ron shook his head vigorously next to Harry.
"Oh, come ON." Sirius said, suddenly stopping. "Have a little fun, will you?"
"Not my idea of fun." Harry said sheepishly.
"Those two can't dance." Hermione said from where she was still dancing with Remus, who suddenly stopped and looked at Sirius.
"What?" Sirius asked incredulously. "James Potter's son not dance?" He huffed in disbelief. "Well, we'll just have to see about that."
Harry didn't think he liked where this was going. "My....my father could dance?" He asked, glancing sideways at a horrified-where-this-is-going- because-they'll make-me-do-it-too Ron.
"You bet." Said Remus. "Loved nothing better at a celebration after a Quidditch victory." He said with a chuckle. "At least after Lily made him learn." He was now wearing what looked like the same sadistic grin that Hermione and Sirius were wearing.
With Hermione's insistent prodding, and Sirius's intense stubbornness, Harry and Ron found themselves spending the next hour, like it or not, learning to dance.
"That's much better you two." Sirius commented when it had finally gotten to the point that the boys weren't embarrassed anymore and were now just having fun. "Now, you'll be cool fifth years at the party tomorrow."
"Is that when you two became cool?" Harry asked Sirius and Remus slyly.
"Sorry?" Asked Remus. He looked at Sirius. "Do you know what he's talking about?"
"No idea." Muttered Sirius.
"When you were fifth years! Is that when you two finally started to be cool?" Ron asked, trying to clarify the question.
"I believe that we ARRIVED cool." Said Sirius with a grin as Remus nodded and laughed. "Well," he added with a sly grin, "at least one of us anyway."
Hermione giggled at Remus who was standing behind Sirius pointing to himself and winking at Ron and Harry.
The music changed again, and a slinky bassline with a funky backbeat started up. "One more?" Asked Sirius, and the three students laughed as the five of them held their own small party for one more song.
Harry was at the point of not caring if he looked silly, and was thankful for being able to see his godfather and best friend actually have the chance to cut up and have a little fun. It was good for them, and it gave him a glimpse into what things must have been like to pal around with his parents.
He watched Ron laughing with Hermione, and deciding that he liked the funky, sexy jazz they were dancing to, lost himself on the dance floor with all of his best friends for a few more minutes.
When the three younger Gryffindors had thanked their instructors for the evening with large silly grins, and had gone off to bed, Sirius pulled the disc out and undid the charm on the CD player. He turned to Remus as he reached for the case for the silver disk. "Well, that was fun."
Remus smiled at him. "Remind you of old times?"
"Yeah." Sirius admitted, sliding the disk in the case. His expression suddenly became very sober. "I miss them, Moony."
"I know." Remus said softly. "I miss them, too."
Neither said anything for a couple of minutes and then Remus spoke up again. "Come on, Padfoot. It's late." He jerked his head a little toward the door.
"Let me just put this away." Sirius glanced down at the plastic case as he headed for the table where the rest of the CD's sat, and stopped in his tracks as he read it.
"What?" Remus asked, coming to his side to look over his shoulder.
"Last song." Sirius said softly.
Remus read the name, and after a few seconds looked up at Sirius and smiled sadly. "I don't doubt it." He said, placing a hand on Sirius's arm. "Come on." He said softly.
Sirius turned to leave with Remus after glancing once more at the writing on the jewel case, thinking how appropriate it was that all of them could have been together without a care in the world for a few minutes, dancing to a song called "Lily was here."
A/N: 'Lily was here' is a real piece of music that I was listening to one day, and it inspired the dance lesson with Remus and Sirius. Even if you didn't know what it was called, you've probably heard it before. It's by David A. Stewart and Candy Dulfer.
And of course, the bedtime story was my small salute to The Princess Bride for my sister, Karen.
Next chapter - PARTY AT HOGWARTS!!!
