Disclaimer: Now let's think about this kids, if I owned GG would Jess be leaving? No. Would Tristan have ever left? No. See the list could go on to prove I don't own it. All I own is the plot. Lyrics are Lifehouse.
A/N: *Sigh* you guys are just wonderful. Thank you so much for the reviews, I really appreciate the time you take to comment. So big thank-yous and coffee wishes to hlf 2002, Priya, Nate, Gracie, Deeta, JavaKamp, Chris, Ellie, and Chevie Jane. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, don't kill me when you get to the end. This is not the end of the story…and that's all I'm saying ;)
Dedication: To my fabulous beta reader Ellie who is trying to help me work with my aversion to commas. And to the darling Priya for taking the time to help me sort out where I wanted this chapter to go. You girls rock!
Chapter Four:
I've tried to find myself in approval
I've already been there already done that
It got me nowhereIt brought me nothing but a good place to hide in
No one to confide in now
She looked at her left hand, specifically at the ring that now graced her slender finger, a diamond ring—an engagement ring. It was beautiful of course, as if she would accept anything less, a square cut diamond from Tiffany's. It weighed heavy on her hand as she twisted it back and forth, but it weighed more on her heart and her mind. She was getting married. Now all she had to do was tell him.
But how, she didn't know. It wasn't something you could casually drop into conversation, 'Hi, nice weather we're having and oh I'm getting married'; she wished it could be that simple. She honestly had no idea how he would react. He knew that she was seeing Beau and that it was kind of serious, well as serious as Louise could get into any kind of relationship, but that didn't mean she had stopped sleeping with him. Jess had become apart of her life, a huge part of it; he was her friend as well as her lover. Her best friend. They never acknowledge how close they were but it lingered just beneath the surface. Feelings left unspoken are sometimes the loudest of all. But that doesn't change what was happening. She was getting married to Beauregard Lowell the Third. And she had to tell Jess.
He sauntered into the designated restaurant ten minutes late. Wearing a pair of old jeans and an older t-shirt he looked like a street kid with a five o'clock shadow. He also looked exhausted but at the same time exuberant.
Louise smiled ruefully, she had given up trying to make him look presentable, that had been like talking to a brick wall—pointless and frustrating.
"Hey." He said, greeting her as he took a seat across from her.
"Hey." She echoed. "Have you even looked in a mirror today?"
He raised his eyebrows and ran his hand through his hair. "Why?"
"Jess have you even gotten any sleep?"
He gave a huge smile, something rare for him indeed. "Nope. I was up all night writing. Everything is coming together."
She rolled her eyes but she was happy for him. The publishers had given him an advance for his manuscript and since then he had quit his odd jobs and just focused on finishing his novel. Working so much so that he lost track of everything else outside his fictional universe. It drove her a little crazy, but she was proud of him. So incredibly proud of him.
He ordered a cup of coffee and something to eat and then looked expectantly at Louise. "So what's going on?"
She cleared her throat trying to think of how to say it, but nothing came to mind—she had no words to tell him. Well, as they say a picture is worth a thousand words. So she lifted her left hand in front of his face. The diamond ring refracting the sunlight to form little rainbows that danced on the table.
Jess felt his breath lodge in his throat as the meaning of that ring and it's position on her finger sunk in. Shit. She was getting married.
"You're getting married?" he phrased it as a question, hoping that she would respond no, and that it was some sort of crazy mix up.
"Yes." She answered softly, destroying his hope of a mistake, she looked down- unable to meet his eyes again.
"To that Beau guy?"
"Yes, to Beau."
"Why the hell would you do that? You don't love him!" he said accusingly. He didn't understand why he was so mad about this, but he was. He just couldn't get his head around it.
"That's not the point." She replied, trying to maintain her calm façade.
"I'm sorry, I thought the point of marriage was joining with someone you loved—not someone you tolerate."
"Stop being so snide." She retorted, "I have my reasons for this. I like Beau and we get along very well. His family are the Lowells of the Boston Lowells. And my family agrees that this is a great match."
"A great match." He mocked. "Nice pedigree. Sounds like you're breeding dogs not being joined together in wedded bliss."
"I didn't expect you to understand but…"
"But what?"
"I thought you should know, it doesn't have to change things."
Jess raked his hand through his hair once again. His fingers itched for a cigarette. How did she not get this? "Of course this changes things."
"It doesn't—"
"Louise" he said, for the first time using her full name. "You're getting married. We can't continue to see each other. It wouldn't be right."
"Since when did you become Mr. Morality?" she demanded indignantly.
"Look, a have a few principles and I don't sleep with married women."
"And I'm getting married."
"Guess this is over then." It came out a little more bitter than he expected.
"I don't want it to be."
"Too bad Blondie, looks like you'll have to find someone else to go slumming with. You could always just take up with one of the servants, the pool boy maybe. Isn't that what you rich bitches do when you get bored of the Hubby?"
She gasped, she couldn't believe he had just said that to her. "What the fuck is your problem?" she screamed, for once not caring about the spectacle they were causing.
"I don't have a problem. You're the one who's getting married to some guy with the right last name and nice bank account. I guess you are more fucked up than I am. And I thought you were smarter than that."
That hurt, that hurt her a lot. She gathered up her dignity along with her purse, she stood up ready to leave.
"It's not like I have a reason not to get married." She said coolly as she began to walk towards the door. She was hoping desperately that he would say something, anything, to give her a reason to say no to this marriage. That maybe this fling hadn't really been a fling. Instead all he said was,
"Guess you don't."
And just like that it was over.
She turned slowly to the left and then the right, admiring her reflection in the mirror; the Vera Wang gown was simply exquisite.
It was her third and final fitting before the wedding, only minor adjustments were required now, which was a good thing as the wedding was only a week away.
"Louise you look stunning." Madeline, her maid of honor, gushed. She gazed at her friend in the mirrors and it was true. The gown was simple and elegant and Louise looked like the perfect bride except… "What's wrong honey?" Madeline asked.
"Nothing." Louise muttered as she stepped down from the stool, shooing away the two seamstresses. "I just need a freaking cigarette."
"I thought Beau asked you to quit."
"He did. And I said I'd try to placate him. So I'm trying and failing." She said, stepping out of her dress and carelessly handing it to another one of the attendants. She quickly got dressed into her street clothes, and grabbed her purse, and went outside for a smoke. Madeline followed her, brow furrowed not only in confusion, but also in worry.
"Okay this is the last time I'm asking. What is going on with you? And don't even pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm not as dumb as I act." Madeline said firmly.
"I don't know what—" when Maddy just glared at her, Louise felt herself cave just a little. Maybe it would be a good idea to get a little perspective.
"Do you believe in the one? Like that there's one guy only one guy only that you're meant to be with?"
Madeline blinked in shock, this wasn't what she had expected, but she recovered quickly. "Yes. I do. Maybe I'm sappy and naïve, or maybe I've been way too influenced by Disney movies. But yes, I do believe in the one. I guess the real question is do you?"
Louise shrugged as she dropped her cigarette butt to the ground and crushed it with her heel. "I didn't use to. I thought it was all bullshit and propaganda. But now I'm not as sure."
"Who is he?"
"Who is who?"
Madeline smiled triumphantly. "The guy who made you question this. Cause it's obviously not Beau."
"There's no one it's just hypothetical."
"Yeah right. You're talking to the former WB Teen Queen, I know the scent of drama, and darling, you reek of it."
Louise scrunched up her nose. "Thanks. I love be compared to the melodrama that used to be Dawson's Creek."
"Who is he?" Madeline repeated.
"Wrong verb tense."
"Fine." She huffed, starting to get annoyed. "Who was he? And how come I don't already know!?"
"He wasn't the type I brought to parties."
"Slumming huh?"
"No." she replied vehemently. She had come to hate that word and all of its implications. "He was just different. I don't even know how to describe the relationship."
"That's easy, start at the beginning." Madeline said with unerring logic.
And so she did.
"Remember that party I threw after graduation…"
"What is with you?"
"What are you talking about?" Jess retorted as he tore apart what was once his old room above the dinner.
Rory just put her hands on her hips and gave him the dreaded Gilmore glare. Jess may be her step-cousin/ex-boyfriend but first and foremost he was her friend. And for the past few months he had been acting even more broody than normal. And she was determined to find out why.
"For the past three months you've been brooding and extra moody and avoidy."
"Avoidy? Glad to know that your Ivy League education really paid off."
"Shut up. You know what I mean. Plus blame Lorelai she's had me living on Buffy re-runs for the past week."
"So you're blaming Buffy the Vampire Slayer for your slaughter of the English language?"
"Yes. And stop trying to change the subject. Jess what's wrong? Tell Dr. Rory, is it girl trouble?" she asked in faintly mocking tone.
When she saw the almost imperceptible tightening of his features she knew that she had hit the nail on the head.
"It is, isn't it? Who's the girl?"
"I'm not having this conversation with you." He said, shifting boxes full of books aside.
"Would you rather have it with Luke? Or how about my mother? I'm sure Mom would love to have a chance to play Dr. Phil or at least Dr. Drew with your love life."
"It's not my love life." He said testily.
"Fine your sex life then."
He shot her a dirty look.
She just smiled and gave her best innocent wide-eyed look. "What? I'm not supposed to mention sex? Am I supposed to pretend I know nothing on the subject because I could tell you some stories involving a—"
"Jesus Rory. Stop it. I don't like to think of you that way."
"Funny, 'cause I remember a point in time when you thought of nothing but me, and getting into my pants."
He kicked a nearby box and turned to her, exasperated. "You really are a dirty little girl. You know that right?"
"I am my mother's daughter."
He sat down on the couch. "That you are."
She sat next to him, and becoming serious, said, "Really, Jess…you know you can tell me anything."
"I know. I just don't think it will help."
"Let me be the judge of that. So start at the beginning."
He sighed and figured what the hell. It couldn't hurt, and maybe it would give him some peace.
"Actually it's all your fault. Remember that party you went to…"
"Wow." Madeline said as her friend finished the story. "I can't believe you've been seeing this guy for years and you never told me."
"It's not like it was a secret exactly, it's just---"
"Oh don't bother with explanations now. I'm over it. Do you have any pictures? 'Cause he sounds wickedly delicious."
Louise rolled her eyes, only Maddy would think of pictures now, she loved her friend but sometimes she missed the point completely.
"No, I don't have any pictures. At least none I can remember. But getting back to the whole point of my retelling of this sordid history, what do you think? Especially given the words exchanged the last time Jess and I saw each other?"
Madeline cupped her chin in her hand, thinking it all over, "Honestly, I'm not sure. But my instinct tells me he's just as afraid of his feelings as you are. Maybe you should call him…"
Louise's eyes sparked with anger. "I'm not calling him. It's his move. I'm not apologizing."
Now it was Madeline's turn to roll her eyes. Louise could be so stubborn.
"Anyway," Louise continued. "I'm getting married."
Madeline sighed and echoed. "Yep, you're getting married.
"Louise? As in Louise Grant?" Rory sputtered after hearing Jess's story.
"Yes."
"The Louise Grant I went to high school with?" she asked again, clearly still trying to wrap her mind around the thought of Louise and Jess hooking up.
"Yes!"
Rory narrowed her eyes. "No need to get testy. I'm just surprised. And somewhat miffed that you never told me."
Jess ran his hand through his hair again. Maybe telling Rory had been a bad idea. "What was I supposed to say Rory?! By the way, I've been sleeping with one of your ex-classmates for years. How's school going?"
Rory sighed. "I guess not. It's just you and Louise it's just—Wow. And years, Jess, it's been years."
"I know."
"Meaningless flings don't last for years."
"Says who?" he retorted grumpily.
"You're really stubborn you know that! Okay, since you're obviously regretting telling me this. I'm just going to say this. You've never been afraid of going after what you wanted before. Don't start now. Because it may be the only chance you'll have."
"Rory…"
"That's it. Lecture over. And now I need some coffee to help digest all of this."
Jess laughed, some things never changed. But maybe some things could.
This was it. It was the 'Big Day'…her wedding day. Louise stood calmly in front of the mirror. She was putting the finishing touches on her makeup in the back room of the church. Madeline stood beside her in the caramel colored satin maid-of-honor gown; she was fussing with the veil, and chattering nonsensically in the background.
Louise barely heard a word as she fiddled with her pearl earring in her left ear. She looked beautiful and untouchable in her Vera Wang gown. Untouchable and perfect.
"And I explained to the caterer that they could not serve those canapés as they clashed with the flower arrangements. And the French guy got all snappy but I—" Madeline prattled on.
Louise smiled at her friend and took one last look in the antique mirror. But her smile faded as her eyes met someone else's. In the doorway, dressed in a tuxedo, was Jess.
For a moment she could have sworn her heart stopped. But she forced a calm expression and turned to him.
"What are you doing here?" she asked in neural voice, interrupting Maddy.
"Well I did receive an invitation." He answered drolly, holding up the expensive piece of parchment.
Damn her perverse nature. She had forgotten about that little bit of spitefulness.
"Well I hope you enjoy yourself." She said, trying to keep the anger out of her voice.
"Damn it Lou!" Jess said, frustrated already. Maybe this was just a bad idea.
"You must be Jess." Madeline said, breaking into the conversation. "I'm Madeline and I'll be leaving right now. Nice to meet you." She exited, and Jess entered further into the room.
"I'll repeat: What are you doing here?"
"You look beautiful." Was his response.
Her heart gave that familiar tug and all she wanted to do was melt on the spot when he looked at her like that. But she couldn't.
"Thank you. But things haven't changed. Have they?"
"Not if you're getting married to a man you don't love."
"God, do we have to do this again?"
"Yes. I won't be the other man. I watched my parent's marriage break up from adultery. And I won't be party to that."
"Fine. I respect that but I don't know what you want from me!"
"I want the truth."
"What truth?"
"Do you want to throw all this away?"
"No! But I just—"
"We can't just be friends. You know that. We were lovers before we were ever friends. I can't be with you and not want to be with you. Tell me it's not the same for you."
"Yes! It's the same. Jesus, Jess! I'm getting married in fifteen minutes! Why did you have to do this now?"
"Because I have to know."
"Know what?"
"Louise!"
She tried to keep the tears from running down her face and ruining her mascara. She was sick and tired of dancing around the issue. It was her freaking wedding day!
"I have feelings for you. Is that what you want to know? I care about you! More than I've ever cared about anyone else in my life! And I'm getting married today! I can't do this." She raged as she went towards the doorway.
"You can't just say something like that and go!"
"I have to Jess! All it would have taken from you was one word. One word! But you never said anything. And now I have to go."
Lou walked out of the room and Jess felt his heart break. And he finally found his voice.
"Don't. Don't go."
But she never heard him.
